confused and scared

[RFLH]

you will get through this - you have no choice, you have children to care for.

You have to start fighting, you can't just roll up in a corner and hope it passes - it won't - its time to get angry about the whole thing.

Once that starts to kick in you'll be able to start seeing clearly and gird up your loins.

[mark1982]

I would love to be able to get angry, I know its what I need but how can I? I dont know what she wants, I dont know if she is planning on us getting counselling or if she wants me out. I cant get angry about her leaving me if I dont she that is what she intends to do... (hope that makes sense). Im not angry about the allegation, I feel sorry for her and respsonsible for her state of mind. Ive tried to be angry but I miss her so much, I still love her and I cant turn that love into anger. Which takes me back to square one again.

[Boys don't cry]

you will get through this - you have no choice, you have children to care for.

You have to start fighting, you can't just roll up in a corner and hope it passes - it won't - its time to get angry about the whole thing.

Once that starts to kick in you'll be able to start seeing clearly and gird up your loins.

@Mark

You must wake up.
You will see your children soon I hope they will clear your mind and kickstart you.
I know you love your wife but stop thinking about councelling or going back together at the moment.
You must have priorities and the main one is to fight against the allegation.
Concentrate on the case.
Take care.

[diana_holbourn]

Mark, the more you worry about things, the worse they'll seem. It'll be very difficult to stop worrying, naturally, but the more people worry, the more their brains get flooded with emotion till the thinking part of the brain is swamped with it so it temporarily can't function properly. So people can start feeling sure things are hopeless, because their brain's too flooded with emotion to be able to think of alternative ways of looking at things. Relaxing helps because the emotion starts to abate, leaving room for more thoughts to come in.


Why do you think your family would be better off without you? Think of the consequences for your children. What if even a decade from now, they're still emotionally scarred because their daddy killed himself? What if you kill yourself soon after you've seen them and they feel guilty for years, wondering if they had anything to do with it? What if they torment themselves with thoughts about what they could have done differently? What if they feel upset for years every time someone mentions their dad because it reminds them they don't have one anymore? True, they could be embarrassed for life if you're still around, having been convicted, and they have to think of themselves as having a dad who's a rapist; but if you kill yourself, they'll have to go on thinking that all their lives, because you won't be around to ever tell them the truth. Staying alive to vindicate your reputation means giving them peace of mind as well.


You sound depressed. Depression makes people think things are much worse than they really are, because when people are depressed, they can't see the positives in things and feel sure things are a lot worse than they really are and that things will never get better. It's just what depression does, to do with emotion flooding the brain so not so many thoughts can flow around.


You could try doing some of the simplest-sounding relaxation techniques - the ones that'll take least effort - in that article I gave you the link to: Overcoming Depression and Worry. If you can relax a bit, the depression might well ease a bit. See if things look different then. Try thinking them through some more.


A whole weekend to see your kids! That could be nice. It's bound to be awkward to some extent because they're bound to be wondering why on earth you're not living with their mum at the moment. Who knows what she's told them! So it's bound to be nerve-wracking being with them and anticipating being with them. You can't really know what to expect, and any discussion of your separation is just bound to be uncomfortable to say the least.


Still, how well the weekend goes will partly depend on what you do with them. I think making efforts to get yourself into a good frame of mind between now and then is important. It'll help if you can do things to relax and get a few good meals so you can cope with them.


After they arrive, it'll probably be best if you try to have things ready for them to do. If you sit around feeling miserable and let them do their own thing, things are far more likely to go wrong than if you make some plans before they arive and take them out and do something structured and organised with them for as much of the time as possible, where they have less time to misbehave and ask you awkward questions, and you have less time to think and work yourself up into misery. Perhaps today you could list several things you know they enjoy doing, and make plans to occupy them for as much of the time as possible. Things could still go horribly wrong, naturally, but if you do your best between now and then to relax and give yourself energy and put yourself in the frame of mind where you can put all your effort into making the weekend nice for them, you're probably more likely to get through it well than if you're unprepared. And if you make several possible plans for things to do, then if a few don't look as if they'll work, others might.


You might get a useful update on how your wife's doing from them, and they might give you clues as to her state of mind, what she wants to do next and what she wants out of life. You won't have to ask them direct questions; they're almost certain to want to talk about her in your hearing, if they're old enough.


After the weekend, try imagining the way forward. Again, you'll find it much easier to think in general if you're feeling relaxed. In that depression article I linked to, there are several different relaxation techniques you could choose the ones you like from. You could take an hour or so a day just to use them to relax at this stage; it would be at least a lot better than your thoughts going round in circles with you feeling more and more worried and hopeless.


When you're feeling quite calm, try imagining a better future. I know you think the future's hopeless at the moment and you foresee obstacles that you can't get over no matter what. But there might be possibilities you just can't think of at the moment but you might if you let your mind wander. There are a few problem-solving exercises you could try.


Here's one that might help. If it doesn't, you haven't lost anything:


When you're feeling fairly relaxed, imagine it's ten years on into the future. It's just a day-dream, so you don't have to think about how realistic any of it is. Imagine you've managed to get yourself a good job, a job of your dreams. Imagine you're earning quite a bit, your kids still love you, and you're very happy. Spend a good few minutes just imagining how that would feel. ...


Then when you have, imagine you're looking back over the past decade, remembering the awful time a decade earlier when you were facing rape charges and thought your life was over. Think of it as having happened some time in the past, with some things fading from your memory. Imagine feeling pleased and proud that you managed to get from there to where you are now. Then imagine doing a recap of your life in that decade, imagining how you got from despair to the happy person you are today. Again, it doesn't matter if what you're imagining doesn't seem that realistic at the moment, because it is only a day-dream. Imagine feeling really pleased and relieved to have come from there to where you are now. ...


Then day-dream about what happened to get you from there to happiness a decade on. You could perhaps even imagine you went to prison for a little while and it was horrible; but don't imagine it for long; move on to imagining you came out, and then partly through your own efforts and partly through help from elsewhere, you managed to set your foot on the ladder to success.


Imagine step by step how things worked out, if you can. You could imagine there were quite a few setbacks that made you feel pessimistic, but imagine thinking back over how you overcame them. Imagine in as much detail as you can how you did it.


Again, it doesn't matter if what you're imagining doesn't seem all that realistic at the moment because it is just a day-dream. But if you start engaging your imagination and get into the day-dream, you might start imagining ways of overcoming things you just haven't thought of so far.


If you do, when you've finished the day-dream, you could start thinking about the things you imagined happening, thinking about whether you can see a way to make any of them a real possibility. Since you've imagined how you managed it, it'll be easier to think of how you could for real, and you might begin to feel more optimistic.


-------


Here's another exercise you could try:


First, write down in a list everything that makes you want to commit suicide. Try breaking them down into a list of items.


Then, think about each one individually in turn, with the question in your mind: "What ways of dealing with this are there apart from suicide?"


Think of as many possibilities as you can, writing them down so you'll remember them. At this stage, don't think about how realistic any one option is; just write down what comes into your head. Some might seem unrealistic at first, but after some thought, ideas might grow from them, which is why it's best not to throw them out at the start. At this stage, just write down all the options that swim into your head.


When you truly can't think of any more, move on to the next item on the list and start again.


When you've done them all, go back to the first item on the list, look at all the options you wrote down, then think them through individually one by one. Still writing everything down to make it easy to remember, think of the pros and cons of each option in turn.


Think of as many pros and as many cons as you can for each one. Write down lists of them. You could give each pro and con from one to three stars depending on their importance.


When you've finished writing down lists of pros and cons for each option, go back to the first one for the first item on the list again. Look at all the pros and cons. Decide how good a solution the option would be to the problem, depending on how important and realistic the pros are and how significant the cons are.


When you've done that for every possible option, for every item on the list of things that currently make you want to commit suicide, you might have several good ideas on how you could try to solve the problems. Then you could choose some. If the first ones you choose fail, you'll have a ready list of other options you could try, and you might learn from what went wrong and be able to take that into account when you try something else.


I know it's not easy at the moment because there are so many unknowns, since you don't know what your wife's intentions are, and you don't know what'll happen to you. But you'll likely be able to make at least some progress. It might help you think up a way through this that you can't see at the moment.


I'm wondering what your wife's actually alleging. Does her story tie in with yours as far as her at first saying she wasn't in the mood for sex, but then giving in to your request and actually herself voluntarily climbing onto the bed with you, knowing it was going to end in you both having sex? If so, surely her allegation can only be that you didn't take the time to get her in the mood or arouse her first? Or is there something else to it? If it's only something like that, the courts aren't going to look on it in the same light as, say, someone who attacks someone out of the blue. But you'll need to discuss it with a solicitor so he/she can prepare questions to ask her to establish that.


Why are you blaming yourself for her mental state?

[RFLH]

oh boy, you are your own worst enemy.

I think she's made it perfectly clear that your marriage is over - I don't think you could live happily ever after having had this nightmare to live through. One of a relationship's cornerstones is trust - you can't trust her not to do this again or add further accusations to the list.

Get angry with me for telling you the truth you know it deep down, you just don't want to stare it in the face.

If you don't, then you'll be sitting inside and then you'll be angry. She won't visit you and you won't see your children. Who knows where they'll be when you get out? By then there may be someone else on the scene. Angry yet when you look at your future?
Time to help yourself - cos nobody else will do it for you.

Angry yet?

Have a go at me - tell me to **** off - but do something with an emotion attached to it, other than apathy.

[Boys don't cry]

Get angry with me for telling you the truth you know it deep down, you just don't want to stare it in the face.

Angry yet?

Have a go at me - tell me to **** off - but do something with an emotion attached to it, other than apathy.

@Diana:I wish you were here when I was further down the spiral.


@Moderators

Seriously,what is the best (and safest) anonymous way to give my County or mobile number or an email adress to a member?
Shall I pm or email a moderator or the person concerned?
Actually I would rather a moderator who can keep them and contact me if I can help someone in my area.

Mark,when you look in the mirror you have my reflection in it.
I swear if you need my help,I will...,I lived it remember.
Can someone tells me if you accept it?
I will do it Mark.
STOP thinking about stupid,selfish,weak,coward suicide.
THINK about your CHILDREN and YOURSELF.

I'll make sure you will have my details but if you don't contact me...
It is your choice.

I can't do more.
Take care.

[Faith]

Dont take on too much on Boys Dont Cry

Unfortunately we cant set up a facility where by we hold member's personal details and pass them out when we believe someone can help. In fact, as moderators we would actually encourage issues to be discussed on the actual boards themselves so that we can maintain a mutual and active community.

If a member insists on giving out details, it is at their own risk and should be done via PM between the two members concerned.
Bear in mind that sometimes, members can take this privelege for granted. Don't take too much on your shoulders, it is more stressful than you might imagine.
I would also ensure you know the member fairly well before giving them your personal number. Don't forget that members know your story...if things turned sour, I'd hate to see this information used against you.

It sounds paranoid...but sometimes you just don't know who you're speaking with until it is too late.

This is by no means a reflection on mark or any kind of suggestion that he is dubious in any way. It is a general warning which I would issue if the subject was raised in any thread

[Boys don't cry]

My God you are fast Faith

Maybe I want to do too much to help someone who is living my story.
I know that I don't know Mark or anyone in this forum but I can't let him drowning like this.
I know my story is still raw so maybe I shouldn't jump back in something similar in order to heal.

Thank you for your (always the best)advice Faith and all the moderators.

@Mark

Prove your children and yourself,your family,friends right,You will feel proud and stronger.
Prove your wife,the police,...wrong.

Keep strong!

[diana_holbourn]

One more thing Mark, to add to what I said earlier. I forgot to mention:


It's common for people who feel depressed to feel really unmotivated to do anything. The article Overcoming Depression and Worry talks more about it. It's apparently partly a physical thing, caused by lack of energy as a result of sleeping poorly. If instead of crying yourself to sleep every night, you make a point of doing relaxation exercises from the time you get into bed at night till you fall asleep, as well as possibly earlier in the evening, then you may well have a less troubled sleep, so you'll wake up more refreshed in the morning, with more energy so you have more fuel for motivation to do things. Being refreshed and having more energy might help you think more clearly about this whole thing.

[mark1982]

she is trying to get divorce papers to me. I cant understand how someone can throw away 8 years and not show a single emotion or shed a tear. Shes trying to take my house, everything I have from me. Ive been to doctors, got sleeping pills, anti depressants and should start councilling soon. Im just not sure I can make past this week. Im crying all day, in front of people at work, in the shops. Im shaking all the time and cant concentrate on anything. I can feel my sanity slipping away. Im thinking of having myself comitted to a mental hospital, I cant take this pain, im even going grey... im only 29 and it doesnt run in the family. Someone please tell me what to do because i cant think straight anymore. Im rapidly dying inside.

[RFLH]

take yourself off to A&E and ask for mental health care there - they may accept you - if not try - http://www.maytree.org.uk/ you can ring them and talk or you can email. I found them very understanding and compassionate.

[Boys don't cry]

Call the samaritans.

Talk to your family as much as possible.

PM me or a moderator your mobile number (if you want),

I'll help you,I've been through this,you can trust me.

I will never repeat enough :you must be strong.

You need to talk,at the moment it is the only remedy.

Look after yourself,please.

[diana_holbourn]

Mark, is there anyone in the family you could talk to about the reasons your wife wants a divorce? If you can encourage anyone to ask her to write down a list of reasons for them and then pass them to you, you'll at least have more idea of what you're dealing with, and may possibly have more chance of working out what you could do that might change her mind.


Does she really think the children would be better off without a father? Do you know if she's even taken the children's wishes and feelings into account at all? And is she absolutely sure it's what she wants herself? Has this been brewing for years, or is she prone to making impulsive decisions without thinking them through properly and regretting some of them later? These are all things that a family member of yours could perhaps be encouraged by you to discuss with her.


I hope the weekend with the kids went OK.


Sometimes people can start to feel quite a bit calmer when they've talked through their problems with someone, even if that person's just providing a listening ear. There are several organisations that offer support you could look into. For instance, Befrienders Worldwide I'm not sure about their reputation, but you could maybe try to find out a bit about them if they seem worth contacting.


And there are directories of links to online support groups for people who feel like committing suicide, like the Google directory.


Ask your GP if you can have the kind of counselling that helps you plan for the future, not just something where you talk about how upset you are but nothing gets resolved. There's a risk with some kinds of counselling that people will bring to mind all the reasons they have to be upset, and then just brood on them afterwards feeling worse and worse.


The more people worry about things, the less they can think straight. That's normal. That's why I suggested you do relaxation techniques before you try much else. When your mind's calmer, you may bee able to concentrate on things better and think of options for what to do that you can't think of now. You might not be able to do some relaxation techniques for a while because some in themselves require a bit of concentration. But some don't require that much, so I'll put some of the easiest ones here, to make it easier to find them:


*******


Exercise 1: Slow Breathing


One way of calming yourself down is by breathing in and out very slowly. Not necessarily deeply; it's taking slow breaths that's meant to be calming. Try breathing in to the slow count of six, then pausing for a second, and then breathing out to the count of nine. It's recommended people close their mouths and breathe entirely through their noses if they can, to make sure they take air in more slowly. If it makes you feel a bit dizzy at first, count up to lower numbers or count faster for a little while so your breaths aren't so deep, but you could gradually slow your breathing down and try to count till you reach the original numbers. (The numbers you count to aren't important in themselves; what is is taking some time to breathe each breath, so you slow your breathing down.)


Make sure you don't breathe in very quikcly and then just hold your breath for the rest of the count; that won't calm you, since breathing in too quickly can be what causes some problems with anxiety and stress to feel worse in the first place. Try to focus all your concentration on making sure you breathe slowly and gently.


(It'll have the added benefit that while your concentration's on your breathing, your mind won't be focusing on all the thoughts that are making you miserable. You might not want to stop thinking about them, because you might think thinking about them all the time is the best way of finding a solution to the problems; but the more panicky and miserable you feel, the less you'll be in a state of mind to think straight. So having a break from the thoughts to calm down before thinking about the issues again will mean you can think about them with more clarity afterwards.)


The first few times, sit in a comfortable chair or otherwise choose a position that's the most relaxing you can. If you find controlled breathing does relax you, then once you get used to it, it'll start being possible to take a few moments out to try it wherever you are, whether you're comfortable or not.


-----------------


Exercise 2: Focusing Entirely on your Breathing


You can try to relax still further by banishing worrying thoughts from your mind, by focusing entirely on your breathing. Again, the idea is that you breathe in and out through your nose, (or through partly closed lips if your nose is blocked or something).


When you're used to counting when you breathe in and out, you'll be used to the rhythm and won't have to focus so much of your attention on counting. Instead, think of a single phrase when you breathe in, and another when you breathe out. For instance, when you breathe in, you could slowly say to yourself, "I'm breathing in a nice, slow, cool breath", and when you breathe out, you could say to yourself, "I'm breathing out a nice, slow, steady, warm, relaxing breath".


Focus all your attention on your breathing and those words. If any other thoughts intrude, try to push them aside gently and focus entirely on the current breath you're breathing, so you don't start thinking worrying things.


Continue to breathe in and out slowly, saying something like, "I'm breathing in a nice, slow, cool breath" and "I'm breathing out a nice, slow, steady, warm, relaxing breath", thinking about your breathing for a few minutes.


--------------


Exercise 3: Mindfulness meditation


Spend about a quarter of an hour trying to focus your mind on something you can see or feel or think that will be calming. For instance, it could be a nice picture but with not too much going on. Or it could even be a particular patch on the wall, the rise and fall of your abdomen as you breathe in and out, or a word you keep saying with each breath, like "peace" or "relax", or maybe a phrase, like, "This will help me relax". Some people apparently prefer to focus on a part of their body, like the end of their nose, or the sensation of breath going in and out of the nostrils.


It'll in reality be impossible to focus on that one thing for an entire 15 minutes. But have a go. When your thoughts drift away, as they inevitably will almost all the time, don't mind, but don't get absorbed in them. Remember you're supposed to be focusing on whatever you've decided to focus your mind on, and gently pull your mind back to it, ... but not until you've acknowledged whatever thought you've been having.


That means that instead of thinking something like, "Oh no, I could be a divorcee soon with no house", you think something like, "Oh, I've just had a thought about being a divorcee next year and having no house", and then, as difficult as it may sound, you, for the time being, gently push the thought out of your mind and focus back on what you've chosen to focus on.


(The reason you focus on something is because it would be virtually impossible to keep worrying thoughts out of the mind while thinking nothing; and thinking of something that isn't doing much can still the mind.)


The way to push thoughts out of the mind is to imagine them as being like train carriages or cars, or logs in a river, that are going past you; you see them one minute, and then they're gone. Remember to acknowledge their existence before they pass; so, for instance, you might think, "Oh, a thought telling me things are hopeless has come into my mind. Bye bye thought"; and then you imagine it travelling away.


It may be that in time, you'll be able to do that while you're going about your daily business with thoughts that come to mind, so you won't have to stop and set aside time specially, but if an upsetting thought comes to mind while you're out or doing something where you'd rather not think about it for the moment, you can just think of it as if you're briefly observing it and letting it pass, rather than getting absorbed and all upset by it.


---------


Exercise 4: Imagining your Thoughts are Floating Away on Clouds


With your eyes Closed if it helps, making a bit of an effort to breathe slowly but not concentrating on it very hard, imagine you're lying on a soft carpet of long grass with little flowers like daisies in it all around you on a warm day, looking up at a clear blue sky. The goal is to try to empty your mind of all thoughts, so it becomes like the sky, clear and empty of clouds. If any thoughts that are disturbing do intrude into your mind, imagine breathing them out, and that then they form clouds that are blown away by your breath, up and across the sky like they would be on a gentle breeze, till they disappear and your mind's clear again like the sky.


------------


Exercise 5: Imagining your Thoughts are Blowing Away on Autumn Leaves


Imagine you're lying under a shady tree on a warm, sunny September day. Autumn leaves are rustling in the breeze all around you and you admire their colouring. A few birds are singing quietly. Try to empty your mind of all bad thoughts. If any negative thoughts enter your mind, imagine breathing them out, and that they land on fallen leaves and are blown away in the wind.


Imagine lying there peacefully enjoying the sights and sounds, and the feel of the soothing, cool, slightly scented breeze on your face, for a few minutes.


-------------


Exercise 6: Imagining your Thoughts are Floating Away on Leaves in a Stream


Close your eyes, and imagine you're lying by a clear little stream that's gently flowing along, on a warm, sunny Autumn day, with beautiful fruit trees all around you. Imagine watching leaves being carried down the stream on the current. Try and clear your mind of all negativity. If negative thoughts do enter your mind, imagine breathing them out and noticing them blow away and fall into the stream and being carried away on the current on the leaves. Imagine this for a few minutes.


*********


Try those exercises and see which ones are helpful. If any make you feel worse for any reason, abandon them and try others. If they're not very effective at first, try them a bit more,because sometimes people find they get more relaxing with practice.


If you find them helpful, you'll be in a better frame of mind to decide what to do about your problems. If you don't, there are others you could try that I could tell you about.


There's another technique some people find helpful also, which is setting aside half an hour or an hour or so every day, that you can call your worry half hour or worry hour, where you just spend the time worrying and worrying about all the things that might be about to go wrong; but all the rest of the time, you don't; you can try and think of what to do about the problems, but you don't worry about them; you instead put thoughts that are just worries aside for the rest of the day to worry about in your worry hour. You could write them down if you're worried you'll forget them. You could keep all the notes with your worrying thoughts on and get them out in your worry hour to worry over them. Then stop worrying, knowing you can do it all again tomorrow.


See if that helps.

[IvorBinWronged]

All good advice here above.

May I add try to not watch any films with violence in them. Go for the safe bets like National Geographic or How It's Made or something similar.

I avoided ALL things detrimental to my mental well-being until I was strong enough to cope. Now I am strong. FA is a kick below the belt that you never see coming.

Watch as much comedy as you can too.

If you can, try to run each day (with stretching prior) and do press-ups.

Good luck pal.

Next time you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras. In other words, it's the simplest explanation that is usually the right one.

[Boys don't cry]

Go for the safe bets like National Geographic or How It's Made or something similar.

Watch as much comedy as you can too.

I agree to this.