confused and scared

[diana_holbourn]

Nasty! I hope it's the least serious thing it could be then. Hopefully if it's something that can be calmed with lifestyle changes like diet, you'll be put in touch with a good dietician to give you the best advice you can have if you need that. Would it have to be a specialist diet, or just a very healthy one?

[mark1982]

From the research I have done it seems to be a low fat diet which is key. Ive already lost 1st 3 lbs since this started and am down to 13.9. Could do with getting down to 13 so its not too bad I suppose.

[diana_holbourn]

Wow, I'd hate to go on a low-fat diet, having to give up chocolate and biscuits and things. Still, there might be some gorgeous vegetable recipes out there.

[Faith]

I'm a sucker for sweet treats too. I love veggies and salads and soups too though.
Take care of your health mark, look after after yourself.

[diana_holbourn]

Yes, I love vegetables, raw ones anyway; and one great thing about them is that since they're so low-calorie, if you're in the mood to eat a lot, you can pile your plate high with them or eat them all day without worrying about putting on too much weight. The other day I bought some chantenay carrots, and they had such a nice flavour I just ate a load straight out of the box, one after the other like sweets. ... I think I over-did it a bit though; I had a bit of a stomach ache afterwards. Still, that's happened to me before when I've eaten a lot of raw carrots at once, but when I've mixed them with other raw vegetables to nibble on all day, or something else, it hasn't happened.

[Boys don't cry]

I'm please to read again from you Mark.
I wish my diet was as healthy as 5 a day.
If you need to talk you are always welcome.
Take care of yourself.

[diana_holbourn]

Hey Mark, have you let your family and those close to you in hers know about the tests you're about to have and your possible imminent demise? If news leaks out to your wife and she realises she could soon lose you for good, naturally there's no guarantee of anything, but I wonder if it would give her a different perspective on what she's doing and make her consider dropping charges.

[diana_holbourn]

I didn't mean that to sound cold and cynical BTW. Hopefully you'll have good news by the end of the morning. But if before then, news leaks out to her of the possibility of very bad news, I wonder if it would make her reassess the way she's thinking about you.

[mark1982]

Well I'm still alive, I have been diagnosed with pancreatitis, thankfully the common variety so it can be managed. I have to follow a low fat diet, which to be fair I was already. Im only managing one meal a day at the moment so its not really that bad at all. I also have a peptic ulcer which I am now taking stuff for. Have to go back to have a camera down my throat in a weeks time to see if its healing. I now have to visit the doctors once a month for blood tests to keep an eye on certain enzymes in my blood, if they are too high I have to go on anti biotics. If the pancreas gets infected I could end up with pancreatic cancer.

I finally sorted access to the children, I have confirmed with the police it is ok and had a letter from childrens services confirming this "To reiterate, childrens Services will be taking no further action and the case files on the above children will be closed." So a small win, looks like people are starting to see sense.

As for my wife, that is the bit that os getting to me. I really have no idea what is going through her mind, not being able to talk to her looks like it will kill my marriage. I have no idea if she has moved on, if she misses me or if she has already found someone else and this was her way of getting rid of me. A million what ifs going round my head and I have no way to answer any of them. I hope the officers in charge sleep well at night, how they can do this to people with no evidence is beyond me. It looks like I wont be getting my phone back either, they want to keep it as evidence, why they need the phone when they extracted the data off I do not know. It seems like they are trying to make everything as difficult as possible.

thanks for the support, it really is appreciated.

[RFLH]

Pleased to see your health problems are getting sorted and that your access is sorted now, that must be a relief.

I think its safe to conclude that your marriage is over - this wouldn't be happening if she was happy with her life. I admit that its a drastic way out thats she's chosen, but if she has MH problems then it may be all too real to her.

[diana_holbourn]

It's a relief to know your health problems aren't life-threatening, Mark. Thanks for updating us.


It is important to eat regularly though; it's especially good to eat breakfast, since not eating regularly can make people feel edgy and irritable and anxious, or a bit depressed and lethargic, and not eating breakfast can mean you're more likely to feel like that because you've had even longer without food. That doesn't mean it's important to eat big meals; just something small and healthy like a little bowl of muesli, perhaps with a bit of chopped-up fruit in it, would likely be a big enough meal.


It's also important to eat enough to get the required amount of vitamins and minerals, since health can seriously begin to suffer without them, including mental health. For instance, certain vitamin deficiencies can contribute to depression.


Here's an article I put together that might entice you to eat more regularly, since it gives a fair bit of information about the health benefits of various foods, not just what vitamins and minerals they've got in them, but also what those things do to improve health:
Some Healthy Foods, and What The Vitamins and Minerals in Them Do.


As for the reasons your wife's doing what she's doing, who knows. Sometimes people do things to others and it remains a mystery as to why forever. It's not very nice when all you can do is speculate over it.


The reason she won't drop the charges could even be that she's scared now of what you'll do in revenge if you're allowed near her again, or scared she'll be charged with wasting police time or something. There could be any number of reasons why she won't drop the charges that aren't even directly connected to her allegations. I can understand that it must be very difficult not being able to speak to her.


There will come a time when the only thing you're doing by wondering about her motives is stressing yourself out though, and it'll be best to move your focus of attention much of the time to making yourself as happy as you can while you can, regardless.


Still, thinking of possible motives for her action might help your case if you mention them to a solicitor. Would you say she was a needy controlling person who was scared she was finally losing control over you when you told her you needed time apart, for instance, so she might have wanted to do something to stop you possibly running off with someone else, or so she could keep control in some way? I suggest this because you said earlier:

　

She is borderline anorexic and has been battleing her weight for a year, i often wonder if that affects her mind.



I know we were going through a difficult Patch but I was trying so hard to put things right, I completely changed myself for her but it still wasnt enough. I just cant get my head around why she would think i would do that to her. I have given up my friends, my lifestyle, changed jobs and lost 2 stone in weight for her but it seems she cannot love me for who I am. Now she seems hell bent on destroying me. She has called me fat and ugly, she says I am selfish. Even before all this happened she had worn me down, I doubt myself all the time, I have no self confidence anymore and feel like I am merely existing.

If she does drop the charges or you're found not guilty and you want to save your marriage, (much to the wonderment of some who'd find it hard to understand why, after all that), then it sounds as if it'll be important that you lay down some firm ground rules with her about how you both want to be treated in the future, and both make it very clear that certain behaviours are unacceptable. It'll be best if you write it down so you both remember it all.


Don't just let her push you into doing things, but bargain with her, by, for instance, saying things like, "I'll do my best to change in [whatever ways you want, within reason] from now on, but in return, I'd like you to make a special effort to ... [look out for things I do that you approve of and comment on them every day, and also not to criticise me unless you think it's seriously important that I do something differently.]"


(Sometimes, very critical people can change, when instead of focusing their attention on what they're unhappy with, they look out for things they like, and realise things are actually a fair bit better than they thought.)


It's very important for the health of the marriage that one or both partners don't feel as if they're being pushed around. So since it seems that's what's been going on in yours, if the marriage can be saved, it does seem that it'll be best to have a very clear agreed plan of action as to what will and won't be acceptable in the future and what is and isn't reasonable for both partners to expect the other to do.


But that might be acceptable to both if you both feel you're getting something out of the deal.


It'll be best if rather than setting huge goals for pretty drastic behaviour change that realistically you'll both find it difficult to achieve, which might discourage you both if you don't, you think of ways the goals can be broken down into little steps so they can be achieved little by little over time, with more and more progress being made. For instance, if you'd like her to drastically change her behaviour towards you and you think through all the ways you'd like her behaviour to change and you end up with about 25 of them, you could perhaps write them down in order of importance, and just settle for the first few in the first week or so, agreeing to do things she would like in return, and aim for more things as the weeks go by, talking through with her what you both will aim to do each week.


Naturally she might refuse to do anything to change. You could try to entice her to agree to do so by explaining the attractiveness of the bargaining-type procedure, and by being absolutely firm that no longer will you settle for anything that's one-sided, since the mental health of one or both of you will just suffer that way.


That's all some way in the future though, probably. But you could possibly try planning out what a two-sided bargaining document like that might look like if you had your way, in preparation for if you ever do get to a point where it's possible; though naturally it'll be best not to get your hopes up too high that the marriage will get to the stage where it's reparable like that, since if you do, the disappointment if it doesn't happen might be quite a blow.


That being said, it is important, naturally, to do the best you can to win your court case, even if it means the risk of marriage breakdown due to ill feeling on her part. If she won't drop the charges, you'll need to think of how a conviction would hurt your children, so you need to fight for your freedom for their sakes, regardless of what it might do to her mental health to be taken to court. She's surely got enough time to think about the possible effects on it herself.


But as for you, it'll probably be best to think of issues you can raise with your solicitor that could possibly be brought up in court, such as:


"Why was it that she only made the rape allegation when I said I wanted time apart from her? Isn't that counter-intuitive on the face of it, since if she was that bothered by what I'd done, she would have been glad to get rid of me? Or she would have reported it in the month between the time it happened and me saying I wanted to leave? Why, if she was that upset by what I'd done, did she even slash her wrists after I said I was leaving for a while?"


On the face of it, those don't sound like the actions of a rape victim, and I expect that's what the court will think.

[RFLH]

blimey - I thought my laptop was playing up then - the writing went huge!

Good answer by the way.

[mark1982]

Thanks Diana, You are a really insightful person and your support is very glady received.

Im not having a good day today, Im supposed to be having the kids for the weekend tomorrow but Im dreading it. I dont know why but I feel like I shouldnt see them. I know they need me and I know I have all these people looking out for me but I dont know how long I can go on feeling like this. Its torture, im falling apart.

People tell me it is selfish to want to die, but isnt it selfish for people to want me to live in this much pain? They will never understand what this has done to me, they arent the ones crying themselves to sleep every night wishing someone would put me out of my misery. As stupid as it sounds I was disspointed my illness wasnt life threatening. I could have gone with my dignity and spared my family any unesessary heart ache. I am having to set myself targets to reach just to stop myself from acting on my thoughts, I tell myself at night "make a decision in the morning" then when it gets to the morning I try not to think and get straight to work. At work I can put my mind on other things but even that is now starting to get difficult. If I could I would donate my life to someone who needed it, someone who deserves it. I feel like there is no place for me here anymore but I cant do anything about it because I have people who need me.

Sometimes I start to feel better and make some plans but they always come crashing down and then im back where I started. Feels like im pissing against the wind in a hurricane. Those people who make it through something like this have my utmost respect. You have to be a strong person to get through it, but im not that person anymore. I dont feel like there is any way back from this and it seems nothing can change my mind. I have no drive left in me, I cant motivate myself to eat let alone to do anything else. I havent been out of my room for 2 week, only to work.

Im not sure where I go from here, I dont know what I want anymore. I know I cant bear this pain for much longer though.

[RFLH]

Being cruel to be kind here - you have to stop the self pity and start to fight back. You're giving up and giving in - you'll never prove your innocence if you go down that route.

Don't you think we've all felt what you have during this? Wallowing won't help you, it'll sap you and just make things feel so much worse.

[mark1982]

The thing is everyone is different. My family were my life and I dont ever see myself getting them back. If I do get over this I am facing paying the mortgage until the kids are 18. She could have a new man and I would be paying for their home. I will never be able to start again as I dont earn a great deal, I wouldnt even be able to afford to rent somewhere. I dont think she would allow me to sell the house and go our seperate ways, she is too attached to it. I keep trying to find something I can hold onto to pull myself through but I just cant see it. I want to be happy again, i want to be able to fight but I cant. I can feel the hurt right into my bones, its something I have never experienced before, ive been hurt but not like this. I dont feel sorry for myself, I just dont want to be me anymore. I just want to fade way.