confused and scared

[mark1982]

Hi

I have just been for my interview at the police station. I was arrested for suspicion of rape, assault and child neglect.

Me and my wife have been having problems, they came to a head yesterday. She ran away with cut wrists, i tried to hug her and stop her from leaving but she has now accused me of assault. I was worried for her and was scared she would kill herself. She was picked up by the police and then decided to bring up the alleged rape. We had discussed this a month ago when it happened, she said she understood I only had good intentions and knew i would never have had sex with her knowing she did not want to. We have been trying to repair things since. I told her last night I was struggling and needed some time appart. She now seems hell bent on destroying my life.

I cant see my kids, i cant go to my house. I cant stop paying the mortgage as my children need somewhere to live My wife has pushed all her familly and friends away so has no one to support her, I still love her and cant destroy her life like she has mine.

I need some advice, solicitors in norwich/norfolk area. I have contaced Mary Monson, does anyone have any experience of them. Cost is not an issue, I have the support of my family.

[RFLH]

so did you have sex with her when she was asleep and stop when she asked you to?

[mark1982]

so did you have sex with her when she was asleep and stop when she asked you to?

No we went up stairs, she was a little reluctant, but that is the usual for us, I am then supposed to get her in the mood (she told me thats what i need to do after a discussion about the lack of sex in our relationship). We then had sex. *Edited as too much information* Some hours later when |I noticed she was being off I asked her what the problem was, it was then she accused me of rape. We decided to work on our relationship and she finally went to the police yesterday after I told her I needed some time away.

She stated that she was crying, she had her face in the pillow (again a normal thing) so I cannot verify if this was true, it sounded like the normal noises she makes. She did not try to push me off (she has before and I quickly stopped) she says she told me no but I am adamant she did not, I have been brought up to respect women and would not force myself on anyone.

Sorry if its too graphic.

[mark1982]

can this be moved to correct place, sorry I hadnt realised it was in the wrong forum

[Faith]

You don't sound too sure of yourself regarding the alleged rape...
Either sex was consensual or was not. You need to search your soul honestly and find the answer...and then act accordingly.
If it was not rape, contact a solicitor and defend yourself. If it was, then admit it.

[Rights Fighter]

You don't sound too sure of yourself regarding the alleged rape...
Either sex was consensual or was not. You need to search your soul honestly and find the answer...and then act accordingly.
If it was not rape, contact a solicitor and defend yourself. If it was, then admit it.

Good reply

I have to ask, why would her face be in the pillow? If this was (I'll be delicate) 'entry from behind' then her face would not be on the pillow as she would need to breathe.......so resting on her hands/forearms to the side. If she was in this position then she would be unable to push you off in any event.

If her face was in the pillow then she would be unable to signal her consent in any event as she wouldn't be able to talk - or breathe. Very odd.....

You will know if this consensual or not. You do not need us to tell you. We weren't there. We cannot know.

[mark1982]

Because some of the post was removed its hard to get what I was trying to say. I perfomed an act involving my face area first. She had every opportunity to stop me. I am not voilent at all and am very gentle,I always put her pleasure first if you get what I mean? She was then on her side with me on my side next to her, she could have just got up and walked off if she had wanted. I was not holding her at all, just stroking her hair. Her face was in the pillow to muffle the noise, she does this often to make sure the kids didnt hear. we have alot of pillows so it is easy to get lost in them.

I have never done anything to hurt her (physically) so I am struggling to come to terms with the fact I have been accused. I have attempted suicide once, and constantly feel like doing it again but im fighting it. Problem is its not getting any easier. I did not rape her, I was loving and gentle, I thought we were making love. The problem im having is, she made the allegation, was it rape in her mind? Did I read the situation wrong? Is she doing it to punish me for giving up when things got tought in our marriage? I keep going over and over in my mind and I still feel I did not rape her.

Its so hard because I love her so much, I cant understand why she would do this to me? Even after all this I would still glady have her back, I loved my life and I enjoyed our time together. I just want it back. It hurts so much.

[Rights Fighter]

Thank you for the clarification.

Is it possible she consented to the first bits (thank you for not being explicit) but possibly took issue with being taken from behind and couldn't consent to tell you she didn't want this because her face was in the pillow?

[mark1982]

No, she is a very headstrong person. When we have had arguments in the past and I try to hug her and say sorry, she would always push me away if she was still angry for instance. She likes that position, she doesnt like me on top as I am 14 stone and she is only 7. I would not put myself in a position that would restrict her which is why that is our most common position.

[Rights Fighter]

Maybe I am missing something: are you saying that she was 'on top?' If so, how does her face end up in the pillow?

[RFLH]

Her face was in the pillow to muffle the noise, she does this often to make sure the kids didnt hear. we have alot of pillows so it is easy to get lost in them.

[Rights Fighter]

Yes - but if she is on top how did her face end up in the pillow???? I asked 'how' not 'why'.

[mark1982]

Yes - but if she is on top how did her face end up in the pillow???? I asked 'how' not 'why'.

No we were side be side "spooning" she was in the middle of the 2 sets of pillows sort of like this, the O being her head and the = being the pillows =O= as they are feather they rise up at each end and you get lost in them.

[lawlessone2009]

Her face was in the pillow to muffle the noise, she does this often to make sure the kids didnt hear. we have alot of pillows so it is easy to get lost in them.

Blooming ell... You've got lots of pillows just like Mark?

I completely understand the 'head in pillows' thing. It can be in virtually any position and isn't a sexual fetish or similarly strange thing but more simply to make sure the kids don't hear moans and screams (like orgasm noises). I'd imagine it is relatively common where the walls are thin/kids are easily woken up. Last thing you want is the kids running in..........

I can also kinda see your relationship circumstances. The problem you have is that your wife brought up the 'rape' (accusation!) a while ago but she hasn't forgotten about it. Although you guys discussed things maybe she did not quite get the closure that you feel she did. She could very well genuinely believe that you did rape her. It could be that or it could be the very fact she knows that her bringing it up hurt you deeply and now that you guys have had a big argument she's decided to hurt you some more without actually realising the ramifications of her accusation.

She is treading into dangerous waters. She may have a chance in the short term to withdraw the accusation and explain her reasons but 'if' things progress and she changes her mind later she could very well end up in prison. If she steam rolls ahead YOU could very well end up in prison. Domestic abuse and similar 'in house' matters are treated with the utmost seriousness by the Police. Not only does it give them access to your property but also to the private lives of everyone within. Social services could become involved and before you know it the BBC is round your door asking if you wish to be on The Scheme Part 2.

Ok, the last little bit was supposed to give you a little laugh. I was trying to end a serious paragraph on a lighter note.

Don't consider suicide. Well, consider it and let the fantasy play on your mind. Look at some bridges or whatever it is that you're drawn towards and then think about your kids. Think about their precious little lives and how you would completely destroy them. Suicide is a selfish thing to be doing. I've thought about it, I've wandered along the river bank, looked up at the bridges and REALLY thought about it and hell I got low and angry but I realised that the allegation against me does not entitle me to be a selfish self serving ass. Nice easy route out for me and to hell with everyone else... I'm still here and by god am I happy I moved on from that dirty dark place in my life.

The initial stages of the Police investigation, especially the initial interview, leave you numb and raw. You'll feel over-powered and out gunned with little chance of ever getting your life back to what you believe it should be. The Police make you feel that way, as if you should just admit your sins and get it all out the way. It's a clever interview technique but it's left you confused. You needn't be! Read through some of the posts on here and realise that you're not on a one way street to oblivion.

Where your relationship goes from here is anyones guess. Don't go breaking ANY of your bail conditions!!! Your wife could be 'ill' to some degree and playing a 'victim' card. She may not be. Just do not give the Police or anyone else any reason to deprive you of your liberty. Bail conditions are in place to protect YOU as much as anyone else involved. They must be followed and obeyed.

I am sorry that I cannot recommend a solicitor in your area. Others will help you no doubt. Keep positive, get active and READ. Knowledge is power and all that Jazz...

[Rights Fighter]

Thanks for the explanation, so pleased we got that cleared up! The feathers in my pillows don't fluff out as you describe but attack me with the pointy ends of the feather sticking through in the dead of the night!

I do not recommend Mary Monson sols at all - I have yet to hear a good report about them. Which area of the UK are you?

Please note the solicitor in my signature and check out his website.