confused and scared

[Faith]

No thats not it, I dont intend on killing myself

They don't know that though do they. What you have told them suggests otherwise...

[mark1982]

I HAVE NOT told the police this. I have spoken to my doctor about it. The only reason I am feeling like this is that I have lost my family, the one thing that would help I am not allowed to do.... It seems like people on here are judging me and its not helping at all. Thank you to those who have offered support. I will no longer be using these forums.

[Faith]

Mark, if you can't accept advice, then perhaps this place isn't right for you.
It would not be helpful for us to simply say what you want to hear...

Nobody is criticising the way you are feeling at all...merely pointing out POTENTIAL reasons why the police are taking their stance. We don't know your case inside out so the advice we offer can only be limited.

Also,please remember, all people who answer are doing so in their own time

[Boys don't cry]

Mark

I you want us to help you,you'll have to help yourself first.
If you still use this website I will pass on my mobile number to one of the moderators for you (just let them know).

I am sorry about your children but RF is perfectly right.
It would be too easy just to see them outside like nothing happened.

Noone can read your mind and the police are just concerned about security.
Didn't you read a few weeks ago about this russian woman who "pushed" her two children.

You read my thread and I told you it will be stressful,long...
Think about RFLH and his daughters,my son and I.

Just take care,don't do anything silly.

And if you come back here,we'll still try to help you.

[diana_holbourn]

Mark,


I hope you haven't really stopped looking at your thread.


(I've just come back here after a long absence. I used to be the owner of this forum.)


I can understand why you don't want to come here anymore, since a few of the replies you've received have seemed cold and clinical. You'll get a lot worse in the courtroom though if this goes that far, as I'm sure you realise; I appreciate your compassion in not wanting to destroy your wife's mental health by putting her through the experience; it probably won't just be hers that suffers a lot though. You seem pretty fragile yourself at the moment. Still, that could change.


In fact, if your wife's mental health improves as well soon, it is possible she could recognise the part her poor mental health played in influencing her to make the accusation against you, and she could drop the charges against you, explaining that she had a mental illness that was affecting her clarity of thought when she made them. It's possible, but naturally by no means certain. There might be something you can do to help though.


It seems to me that it would be best for you to concentrate on improving your own state of mind in the next few days before you take any further decisions about what to do about the rape allegation, since stress will be affecting your own clarity of thought.


Doing your best to eat could make you feel a whole lot better pretty quickly. The stress might make it difficult to eat, but eating in itself can help calm stress.


You could also try some relaxation techniques to take the edge off your anxiety. There are several in this article, which might be worth browsing quite a bit of because you might find other helpful information in it too: Overcoming Depression and Worry


You probably won't be interested in all the relaxation techniques in it at the moment, but you might find some of them useful. Once you're less stressed, you'll find it easier to plan.


There are some other articles in the same series you might find it helpful to browse too, and you could learn tips that could one day help your wife as wel.


This one's about strategies for dealing with severe worry. It contains a lot of stories by people who used to worry a lot but found ways of dealing with it: Stopping Worry Ruining Your Life


There's another article about worry that's got some other strategies in it you might find it useful to browse when you've got the time. It says it's for people with generalised anxiety disorder, but there are things in it that could help anyone in a stressful situation that's making them worry a lot more than usual: Calming Generalised Anxiety Disorder Or Worry


If your chest pains continue after you've begun to eat regularly again and are less stressed, it might well be worth you going back to the doctor and insisting on being given an ECG or something to test the health of your heart.


I'm not sure how easy the following suggestions would be for you to carry out under your bail conditions, since I don't know much about such things, but I'll make them anyway:


You seem to have a great advantage over a lot of people falsely accused of rape in that you have people in her own family who are supportive of you. I'm guessing this could really work to your benefit, as long as you're still allowed to talk to them under your bail conditions. If you're not, perhaps there's someone else you both know well and trust who could help? You don't have to try to get them to put any pressure on her to drop the rape charge, and I'm guessing that would violate your bail conditions anyway. If she really has made this accusation under the influence of mental illness, if her family or friends try to help her over it, she could end up dropping the charges without them discussing the accusation itself that much with her at all.


That doesn't mean it'll be easy. People with anorexia can develop an inflexible thinking style that prevents them seeing other people's points of view because they find it difficult to think past what they themselves want and think is true at any one moment, and they tend to think in extremes - for example, either they get support or Everyone must be against them, or everything's going well or their whole life's messed up.


Stress and depression and anger can tend to make people think like that too while they're under the influence of it.


If you ever get back on friendly terms with your wife, here are a couple of articles that might have a lot of information in them she might find helpful:


How Life Can Improve For People With Anorexia and Stopping Yourself Wanting to Self-Injure


They could also help her now, and you. If you browse them to see if there's information in them that could help her, and if there is, let her sister know about it or someone else she knows who could help her, then that person could discuss it with her, without necessarily saying the suggestion came from you, though she could say that. In fact, if it's allowable, talking to your wife about suggestions that you yourself put forward might melt your wife's heart towards you if they work, so she might be influenced to drop the charges, again without anyone saying much to her about them.


If the discussions between her and the person she trusts who you discuss any suggestions that might help her with result in her changing her life and finding things that improve her mental health, once it is improved, she might see your whole relationship differently and realise she was influenced to make the allegations by an overly-negative perspective on things she no longer has. So she might decide to drop them. She might not get into trouble for making a malicious allegation if she explains the mental health problems she had at the time and can verify that she had them.


It would help if she goes to the doctor as soon as possible to see if she can get professional help with her mental health problems, though it might take a while for someone to convince her she needs help and ought to go. I know you say you've lost your faith in doctors, but some are better than others, and also if she spells out very clearly that what she wants is psychiatric treatment, it might be more forthcoming. Unfortunately, in non-emergency situations, people can wait a long time before receiving the psychiatric help they need, though she could be prescribed medication such as antidepressants straightaway.


While she's waiting for professional help, or before she can be persuaded to go to the doctor to seek help, she might benefit if someone she trusts can discuss any helpful things in those articles with her.


If you ever do get back on friendly terms with her, this article might also help you plan for the future. It's written for people contemplating a divorce but it's suitable for anyone trying to improve their marriage: Saving a Marriage When a Loved One Wants Divorce


In fact, if someone your wife trusts discusses that with her as well as things about anorexia and self-harm and maybe depression and other things, then she might get some hope that your marriage could be a good one again and have more incentive to drop the charges against you and try to make it work.


This article might contain things that help you understand the way she behaved in the last few years of the marriage, since she might have been suffering from depression which would have clouded her thinking and convinced her everything was wrong and that you were entirely to blame, since again, it causes people to think in extremes, and that might partly be why she was doing it: Helping a Husband or Wife Over Depression


The article might also give you ideas for how to improve the marriage if you ever do get back together and she still isn't better.


[Each article is written as if by someone just learning self-help techniques, but that person themselves isn't real; they're just a representative of a lot of others suffering the same thing. Anecdotes they tell really have happened though, usually either to the author or to someone else known to the author.)


Naturally, all that's no guarantee she'll drop the charges or that anything will improve. You might still find yourself having to plan for a court case, and it would probably be best to make some preparations, even while hoping it won't come to that and trying to help her.

[Boys don't cry]

Maybe I am wrong but seems like a sect to me?

[diana_holbourn]

Maybe I am wrong but seems like a sect to me?

A sect? How do you mean? I'm guessing you mean it seems as if someone's trying to push their products or agenda?


No, it's nothing like that. I used to be the board owner. I wrote the articles myself. They've got a variety of self-help techniques in them, taken from books by a variety of professional psychologists. They're not pushing any one technique or any one perspective on things, and there isn't anything like religious doctrines in them. And they're certainly not advocating anyone sign up to any organisation or pay out any money for anything.


Perhaps it was the mention of relaxation techniques that first made you suspicious, since some sects put a heavy emphasis on meditation and that kind of thing? The articles have nothing to do with them. A lot of psychologists use relaxation techniques in their therapy sessions and recommend their clients do them.

[Rights Fighter]

BDC, I can vouch for Diana. If you look at her site http://broadcaster.org.uk/ you'll see there is a wealth of helpful info on there.

[Boys don't cry]

Diana and RF

Sorry to have misjudge your help but it was only a first impression.

I will have a proper look at your help techniques,they might do some good to me

Once again,no offence.

[diana_holbourn]

That's OK.


I'm actually a sister of Phil/webmoo the admin.

[Saffron]

Good to see you again Diana!

[diana_holbourn]

Good to see you again Diana!

Thank you. It's nice to know you like this place enough to have become a moderator while I was away.

[mark1982]

Thanks for the reply Diana, very informative and I will be using some of those techniques. Im hoping she will drop the charges but Im not overly confident.

As for the chest pains, I ended up in A&E this morning as I couldnt breath. After a chest x-ray, ECG and numerous blood tests they seem to think I may have pancreatitis or possibly(but less likely) pancreatic cancer. Im off for an ultrasound in the morning and then have a meeting with a pre op surgeon. Like they say, It never rains but it pours. The prognosis for pancreatitis is good so long as its not acute, if it is acute or cancer then im knackered.

[diana_holbourn]

Gosh, let us know what happens about your health problem. Hope it's easily fixable.

[mark1982]

I hope so, after a little research I have discovered it is not treatable, only the pain is managable. If I have the common variety I can live a normal life with a diet change etc. If its acute then I would be expected to die within 7 years and if it is cancer I have 7 months at the outside.

My only hope is it just inflamed due to the fact I have not been eating, the pancreas neutralises stomach acid ready for the intestines so excess acid can cause problems. Sorta sums up the last 2 weeks for me really, "hey you could go to prison for 8 years or you may even die before or during that.... Trying to find a positive thing to think about is not easy at the moment. Have my ultrasound at 8.50am so until then...