Relationships after False Accusation

[largactyl1]

Hi There, it has been 18 months since Tony's NFA and 22 months since he was Falsely Accused. I'm wondering how other people have found relationships after FA. Tony has been single for 22 months and despite being happy enough on his own he is wondering if he will ever be able to have a physical relationship again because of his anxiety about being FAed again. How have others found this?
Love
Jen

[lawlessone2009]

All I can say is that even looking at a female makes me feel ill.

I'm 'in' a relationship and have been throughout my ordeal and have found it virtually impossible to be physical in any manner. I suppose the 'urge' to be physical may still be there but it is being massively thwarted by my mind. My partner seems to be VERY understanding although what she actually understands is beyond me as I really can't explain what's happened to me....

I'm assuming that 'after false accusation' also includes those waiting to see what happens. Maybe others that have actually been NFA's or found innocent can share their experiences. Hopefully some of them will be single guys that can give an insight into how it's truly affected them.

[wunderland]

OMG me to from loving woman before being falsely accused by a snake i to, now I can barely go on a date I never want to get married I have seen the dark side of love don't want children WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW I DUNNO it could take decades for me to ever get in another relationship it would have to be my absolute soul mate and the evil false accuser has killed so much of my faith I met the slut and on the very first day the **** came over to my house she ruined 2 years of my life stole 10 years of health at least NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK THERE IS WAY to much trauma to start dating again it's like she has sucked all the love out of my heart the only woman i love are my sisters and mother and blood relative besides them I JUST CAN'T TRUST AGAIN NO MATTER HOW SHE LOOKS SCREW IT THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE SAME OR UNDERSTAND THE PAIN?

[Boys don't cry]

If you see a smiley it is because of stress.
I can't even find words...
I am now fighting for the divorce and still against false accusations.
Only one person will make me happy at the moment,he is my son.
More than a year after I cannot think about going into a relationship.
22 months seem nothing for me (Sorry about this).
Sometimes women look at me and I feel awkward.
I was already quite shy but this time my confidence level is below zero.
I just wish that there is a genuine woman out there (I am sure that there are some)but if I ever meet another one ...
I just need a friendship.
I am so scared.
KEEP FAITH Tony,you know this Modjo.

[lawlessone2009]

I don't actually believe you ever get over it. It's one sick sick thing to happen in life and it revolts me that the state are happily accepting things the way they are and supporting apparent victims whilst slaughtering those that they choose to accuse.

I have not had one bit of external support (except here and family...) from anyone. Not one little piece of information from the state, nothing. They could at the very least produce a 'Now you've been accused what happens next...' booklet which would have far more value than the other rubbish they happily print off and hand out willy nilly...

Relationships are a major major no no. If I wasn't already in one I sure as hell wouldn't be attempting that mean feat anytime in the distant future. I really honestly cannot believe what is going on in this country and how it's allowed to happen.

I'm really lucky that I wasn't suffering from violent tendencies before this charge or I could've been facing murder charges. I just despair so much these days. I'm lucky in a certain sense, I'm nearing 30 and already have a partner/child. I really feel for the younger people (16-20 odds) who get tangled up in false accusations and are actually that damaged by it that they will never have a normal relationship. Least I have experience of 'normal'(ish) to fall back on.

[Faith]

I was NFA'd back in February and was in the fortunate position that I had a fiancee beforehand who stuck by me throughout and is still here now. We have had our problems and still do as a result of the allegation. I am still fighting a battle with my work months later and the strain of this has a nasty effect on our relationship.

Sometimes the paranoia I have of females stretches to my fiancee...what if we ever fall out and she gets her revenge by making an allegation. In normal frame of mind, I know this is ludicrous. But when that dark feeling hits you (which it does fairly regularly even post NFA) your mind can be muster up truly nasty thoughts and possibilities.

If I had been single, the thought of building a new relationship with an unknown female to me would be absolutely terrifying and I can safely assume that I just would not do it, at least in the near future. I remain awkward even building friendships with females. Counselling has helped to an extent.

It's something that I imagine will always be there but similarly, will get gradually easier. It's just it takes a lot of time and work. Thinking of Tony, it's not easy and once you are wounded by a false allegation, the scars never truly heal.

[largactyl1]

Thankyou for feelings about this. Keep the opinions coming everyone! Lv Jen x

[largactyl1]

Tony is finding people's experiences and feelings about relationships really helpful. It would be great to have some more if possible. Thankyou so much. Jen

[Casehardened]

Like some who have replied, I was extremely fortunate in having a supportive wife/partner to help me through and, as is often mentioned on the forum, the ordeal has strengthened our relationship immensely.

However if I was to find myself suddenly single again, I am not sure as to whether I would be able enter into another relationship again. I am still careful not to allow myself to be alone with a female of any age, also, should anything develop despite this, then one runs across the dilemma do you tell or not?

If one is honest about the accusation, a new partner is inevitably going to wonder, especially if it was related to a minor (unless she is clued up about false accusations)

If one doesn't tell, and the fact somehow happens to come out later, there may as well be a guilty stamp on your forehead

[Saffron]

Mr Saffron was also in a long term relationship at the time of his conviction (with me, incase anyone wondered!). He became withdrawn, aggressive and suffered horrible mood-swings, some of which were scary. He smashed up the bannisters in our house one night. He self-harmed and then told me it was my fault. He became so vile that it was hard to love him any more.
I'm not quite sure how we managed to come out the other side. That whole time has taken on a nightmarish-dream-like quality; so much so that I can't even remember the precise dates of the trial (I know it was in May 2004) or sentencing (June 2004).

I remember silly things though. I remember that we were waiting at the station the day before the trial, getting the train up to Birmingham, and I kept on catching sight of single magpies. "One for Sorrrow". I remember telling myself that it was nesting season, so of course I would only see one magpie at a time, because the other one was sitting on their eggs, keeping them warm. I remember being glad that I had packed my own hairdryer, because the one in the hotel was rubbish.
I remember my Dad driving us back to their house after the Guilty verdict. 2 and a half hours in complete silence in the car. I remember when we got there, my mum was at the door with a glass of whisky in each hand, which she just wordlessly passed to me and Mr Saffron. I felt like someone had died.

In a way, someone does die when these things happen, whether it's an NFA or a verdicdt, be it Guilty or Not Guilty. Things are never the same again.

Sorry, getting all maudlin!

[NotSoHappy]

My relationship with the father of my children has taken such a beating since my false allegation erupted in march. It's both of us. I can't bare him to touch me at times. Even though I've done nothing wrong I almost feel dirty. He feels rejected, confused and angry. We argue about silly things. Im on anti-deps and my moods are levelling but I fear he has sank into depression but won't face upto it. My ball date is drawing closer, it's not getting any easier. I love him dearly and he supports me 100%- he knows I haven't done this but the effects and the shame you feel for even being accused probably won't ever go away.x

[RFLH]

I don't think that there is a standard one answer fits all, to this question.

I assumed that sticking by my man throughout it all and losing everything would get us through anything. Apparently not - he went off with 'a younger version of you' in his words - double kick in the teeth!!

I'm sure that when the right person comes along then no matter what has happened in the past it won't matter a damn.

[lifesnotfair]

Long time no hear

Hello there. I logged in today after a long absence. Some of you who have commented on this thread may well remember me from a couple of months back. I asked for advice on my relationship after b/f had the charges dropped against him. If you remember rightly, our relationship had suffered for some months. You will also remember that despite much struggling to keep our relationship going and much soul searching that I ended the relationship.

I have to say that he was extremely angry when I ended it and did nothing to try and salvage it, which actually made me think if the decline was anything to do with the allegation at all. He hasn't spoken to me since and blocked me on facebook. A couple of days later, I had to text him because he has my lawnmower. We entered into an exchange by text and he accused me of being selfish and how it was only ever all about me, me, me. That hurt me very much after I had stood by him all that time (he was arrested in January 2011, charged in May 2011 and charges were dropped in March 2012). At one point I even told him that even if the worst happened and he went to prison, I would wait for him and even help him out financially when he came out. How this can be viewed as selfish, I will never understand. So, in the end, I felt that I had served my purpose.

As for starting a new relationship, two days after it ended, I found out from a friend that he had joined an online dating site! That was extremely painful. So, I guess I agree with the point of view that people react to these things differently. The end of that relationship absolutely broke my heart but I'm pleased to say I have some great friends without whom I would not have gotten through the last couple of months.

What I would say is, if you have been falsely accused and your partner stands by you, hold on to them with everything you've got. Keep talking about all those plans, hopes and dreams that you have, they will help you to realise that life will go on even if the worst happens.

Much Love x

[fighter]

Hi Lifesnotfair,

nice to see you on here again. sorry to hear you have ended the relationship and sending you lots of strength and courage vibes. You went through a lot for him and I hope you move on easily. I know you have been hurt, but if he didnt fight for your relationship and didnt appreciate you standing by him, then you probably made the best decision ever although it would have hurt so much. Hugs to you!!

[Faith]

Thanks for sharing this. I'm so sorry to read of your ex's behaviour towards you after the way you selflessly stood by him.
Glad to hear that you are beginning to piece your life back together. If you continue to need support, please keep coming back. After all, your life was destroyed by a false allegation just as much as your ex's, if not arguably more.