AARRRGGGHHH Hubby wont talk to me

[NOHOPE]

how can i get my hubby to face up and talk to me about what MIGHT happen at the trial if the worse comes to the worse.
i like to plan ahead he just thinks he is innocent so he will get a not guilty, well we all know thats utter rubbish.

anybody any advice on how i can make him be ready for what might happen, im scared if he is not then it will kill him if it does happen.(it being guilty and prison)

[lawlessone2009]

He's probably far more scared than you are.

Getting him to talk will be difficult. An emotional breakdown and panic upon a guilty verdict may be the only time he opens up and then it's too late.

You could very well write him a letter detailing your concerns and attempting to approach his fears. You can detail your own thoughts and feelings about what could happen and put forward the old mantra:

Prepare for the worst and celebrate when it doesn't happen.

Last thing he really wants is to be found guilty and get carted off with no clothes etc.

Putting his head in the sand doesn't work. He needs to prepare for every eventuality, however remote.

The lack of preparedness could also hint he has the wrong attitude. A jury may pick up that he is 'smug' and find him guilty even though he's innocent. Everyone has a different way of dealing with things and you cannot blame him for his current way of acting. Try to picture how he deals with other situations in life and if they are similar to his current methods then try to relate them and show what resulted due to his lack of preparation in them.

You can only really attempt to support him. Your idea of support may differ from his. If you do anything you need to explain clearly that it is not through feelings that he is guilty but more your distrust of juries.

A jury trial is a big game with many psychological pointers and markers being thrown about. Your husband needs to ensure that not only does his legal team show him innocent but he ALSO must convey innocence. This is the part that has me bricking myself as I never show the correct emotion/stature.

Let us know how you get on but take some time to come up with the correct method of getting through to him.

[RFLH]

A letter may be the way to go - it can read as and when - and doesn't argue!!

I can see why he won't talk - it makes it real and he must be terrified.

[wunderland]

As a man falsley accused over 800 days ago and still awaiting trial I have to say I use to tell people on here off for saying they get nfa and life should go on to be honest i was very wrong being falsely accused is like your a smashed cup it will take so long to repair I have no advice for you im sorry but he does not sound like the type of guy but maybe a shrink or hos older brother an older male figure guys listen to older guys more then we listen to females unless they are our mothers :P

[Faith]

He's probably far more scared than you are.

I know what you're trying to say but it can't be underestimated just how much the partner/wife/fiancee suffers as well...after all, they're facing losing everything too and, on top of that, they have to be the strong one.

I know that's not what you meant when you said that, but I didn't want NOHOPE to think that her own pain is trivial in comparison

[NOHOPE]

thanks Faith and i think thats exactly how i feel.
i think i must carry on regardless fighting with every bit of energy i have and do my worrying on my own, dont get me wron i have some fantasic friends and family but i think its one of them things you will never completley understand untill you have been through it.
after the trial good or bad i think is when maybe my feelings and empotions will come flooding out and i think it is thwen that i start to deal with the cheating side of things, as at the moment that is the last thing on my mind.

i just wish these liars would realise what they are doing just because theyw cant face the consequences of there own actions (cheating with my hubby) in my case.

oh to run away and come back when its all over.
i need the juries decion so i can get on with my life but think we need the trial firsat ha.

[Saffron]

Hey Nohope, I have been exactly where you are, and would never belittle your pain. Being the "strong" one is exhausting. You can't just break down, stay in bed and pull the covers over your head because one of you has to try to keep things as "normal" as possible.

You do need to get some of your affairs in order before the trial. If you own the house, and it is in joint names, get it put into your name alone. Likewise the car and any major assets. If he is found guilty he may be liable for costs or compensation payments, so make sure that you "own" anything that would be used as capital. He needs to write to his bank, giving you control of his accounts, and he needs to deal with any credit cards.

Of course this is hard if he won't talk to you, and a letter can be ignored. I would suggest sitting down with him and saying something like "I am telling you this because I love you and I need you to listen to me". Be gentle but firm. Lawlessone is right - his belief that justice will prevail might come across as flippant.

Does he ever look at this forum?
Hang in there, you are doing all the right things.

[NOHOPE]

oh my god this just gets bloody worse, seriously she may ask for compensation and my house etc could be used.
thank you for telling me i will make the bugger talk if it kills me ha ha.

has this happpenend before then were compensation has had to be paid using equity etc

i wont give her the steam off my P - SS never mind anything we have worked bloody hard to build up.

sorry for the language

think i need him to read this site, oh if only

[gem]

costs and compensation from hubby's estate ???
is that true... never knew about that one..

[Faith]

I thought the compensation came from us lowly tax payers?

[lawlessone2009]

Obviously I was being pessimistic but attempting to get some seriousness across at the same time. There are many things that can be ignored in life but the loss of a partner and all of the consequences that go with it is one of the worst things that can happen. You and him are lucky as the worst that can happen is some time labouring for her majesty, others are not so fortunate. He has plenty time to prepare and get his life in order. If the worst happens, which I sincerely hope it doesn't, then he will not only be a free man but all of his affairs will be nicely sorted out.

It will provide an opportunity for the two of you to have a new start. Discuss all of your issues and then move on with life.

Preparation is everything and will produce rewards.

[Wife-of-an-innocent-man!]

My husband was found guilty and was so convinced that he would be found not guilty that he didn't even tell me. I found out when two people arrived at my house when I was expecting him home for his tea. Luckily he was then bailed and we had three weeks before sentencing. If we hadn't had this time I don't know what we would have done. Tell him that he needs to prepare for the worst just in case, not just for him but because it will help you cope. Tell him that you will feel better knowing that he was prepared if it does come to the worst and if it doesn't then fantastic.

Make a 'worst case scenario' list:

Read 'HMP Survival guide' written by an ex con - really well written with excellent tips. http://www.prisonism.info/

Put together a bills list and put together a finance document with pin numbers/bank info etc....

If he deals with Car docs etc... you'll need to know when things are due Service/MOT/Tax

Get a list of telephone numbers/names/addresses/DOB of all people he will want to call from prison - see HMP Survival guide

Go shopping for stationary / stamps / etc.... - See HMP kit list

Work out what your going to tell family / friends

Good luck, I wish you all the best - keep strong you'll get through this

[Casehardened]

The link you have provided for the HMP Survival guide is excellent; thanks so much for that.

With your permission (and if I can work out how to do it!) I'll put it at the top of the forum as a sticky.

[Wife-of-an-innocent-man!]

The guide really helped us, my husband felt more in control of what was happening and was better prepared for each step. It helped answer the questions that we all have about prison life. I also felt that I was doing something to help, making sure he had stationary, phone numbers, clothes, money, etc...

I have to say that so far my husband has been treated really well and is coping quite well in prison, we are waiting to hear if we can go ahead with an appeal. Everybody has this image of jail and I think we sometimes we watch to many American films. There is nothing scary in the guide it is more likely to make people feel more positive than scare them to death.

[largactyl1]

The guide is brilliant. Thankyou.