Falsely accused of rape by my wife of 12 weeks

[just married]

Wundeland, Boys don't Cry and Faith, thanks for your comments.
yes, I'm aware my ordeal was very short compared with your 2 year wait, wunderland. I know I've been lucky in a way, but I had myself resigned for the worst, and was reading the excellent 'HMP Survival Guide'. However, even in the bleakest times, there could always be worse.....

You may have noticed that nowhere in my thread did I show any disrespect, anger, or hatred for my beautiful estranged wife. At least, I don't think so.
Maybe that anger and combativeness is what would cause a woman to use false accusation as a weapon.
Having secured no conviction though, I wonder what she can do next.
Nothing that I can help her with, of that there is no doubt.

And no, I've no intention of any future contact. I'm still needing a family lawyer to mediate and deal with divorce, possible from January 2013.
Yes, lucky no children were involved...

Immediately after my arrest I noticed weight loss, and have been concentrating on eating little since. I've lost 6 or 7 kilos.... my body is something I have some control over. I'm smoking as much as ever though. Yes, I think many of us 'self harm' to some degree.

I eventually retrieved my mobile phone from the police. During my research, I had found a company called 'Longmereuk.com'. They claim to be able to recover up to 500 deleted texts from the memory of a mobile phone. Two interrogations of the phone, one of the sim card, apparently quite easy and common, and the other, more rigorous, and after which the phone will no longer work, of the phone's internal memory. If I invest in this procedure, to save more evidence for myself, I'll post the results.

My long held philosophy that there could always be worse, doesn't, by the way, extend to victims of 'waterboarding' torture. Man's, (and woman's) callous inhumanity to man (and woman) leaves me wanting to basically stay indoors (alone).
I've been lucky to have a network of good friends around me, but I think at the end of the day, we're all alone.

[just married]

I think at the end of the day, we're all alone.

Damn. Probably not a very helpful note to end on. Sorry.
BDC, yes, I too spend my most logical thinking time trying to figure out 'WHY?' ... - I can't believe just evil... Misguided, melodramatic, devious, selfish, callous, afraid?, vengeful... sure.

[Rights Fighter]

Perfectly understandable JM

[Faith]

Very thoughtful post and I must say I thoroughly sympathise with you.
In many respects I was a 'lucky one' too as I was NFA'd and the allegation against me was at the lower end of the spectrum of sexual assaults (although I was also accused of having indecent images on my computer which is serious) so it could have been much worse.

But I don't invest in the belief that this makes it easy to move on. Months and months later I am still experiencing what you are describing.
Thank you for considering the feelings of others in what you post. Just so you know, as considerate as that is, you don't feel you have to hide your true feelings here. We are all here to support eachother, even when we are feeling ****!

You have a long recovery process ahead but it is possible. I have received your PM regarding the other issue, thanks for keeping me in the loop.

[Boys don't cry]

Wundeland, Boys don't Cry and Faith, thanks for your comments.


You may have noticed that nowhere in my thread did I show any disrespect, anger, or hatred for my beautiful estranged wife. At least, I don't think so.
Maybe that anger and combativeness is what would cause a woman to use false accusation as a weapon.
Having secured no conviction though, I wonder what she can do next.
Nothing that I can help her with, of that there is no doubt.

Yes, I think many of us 'self harm' to some degree.

IMy long held philosophy that there could always be worse, doesn't, by the way, extend to victims of 'waterboarding' torture. Man's, (and woman's) callous inhumanity to man (and woman) leaves me wanting to basically stay indoors (alone).
I've been lucky to have a network of good friends around me, but I think at the end of the day, we're all alone.

That is a very nice post Justmarried and I feel for you.
If you have a bit of spare time try to read:

Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity
from Marie-France Hirigoyen.
She is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and psychotherapist specialising in mobbing, a form of bullying. Her interest in stress led her in the mid-1980s into victimology, a branch of criminology. She later turned her attention to workplace stress generated by mobbing behaviour.

Then you and some of the members who might read it as well could understand how some people can falsely accuse.
When I said that she wanted me to commit suicide,some believe me now,so I am not surprised she planned all this,called the police and still try to blackmail me.

About self harming by a way or another and I think about Wunderland as well,it is true it is a way of coping.
I did it in the past,I did it last year,I still do somehow but this is normal (or for me).
I should create a thread about this as well but for the only purpose to reassure the others or someone else might do it in the future?

About feeling alone or being alone,this is the part I wish you all the best.
It is because we have been fooled and victim of treason.
All the time we will wonder "Why,why,why?"or "Why me,why me,why me?"
Maybe you know why?,I do but will never understand and believe why.
Respect and reassurance are what most of us will need after being falsely accused.

If you need any help from me you are always welcome.

[Boys don't cry]

@bdc that's a redback spider they are deadly

It was

[wunderland]

@bdc very nice photo is that romeo?
@just married I agree the healing process will take many years I think just being falsley accused of rape the horror we feel would that day take a huge amount of time to recover from If you cut down on the smokes ill stop stuffing myself lol !

[Boys don't cry]

@ Wunderland

My avatar is from a painting of Gustave Courbet (1819-1877) called "Portrait de l'artiste" or "Le Désespéré" ("Portrait of the artist" or "The Desperated Man").
I obviously like the picture as well and it is self-describing.
I felt the same and sometimes still do feel like pulling my hair wondering "Why?"

Romeo is dead

[Rights Fighter]

The person who got me into this mess(!) who was put into prison by his daughter in 2000 and released on appeal in 2001 is still suffering mentally - 11 years later.

He cannot get it out of his head and it's got to the point now that I will not pick up the phone when he calls because it will be just the hour or so long 'same old same old' accompanied by effing and blinding.

[Boys don't cry]

@ RF

Did this man had counselling and does it really help?
Did he meet someone else since?

Thank you.

[wunderland]

I wish I had more hair never pull it out because when you do that it won't grow back another thing my false accuser has taken my hair from stress !

[Rights Fighter]

I found him counselling via an online group. Unfortunately he has a tendency to wallow and refuses to move on so it didn't work for him. Basically it's his every day conversation. If a person wants counselling to work they will do all they possibly can make it work. It's your choice - hard work but it DOES work but only if you want it to.

Yes he has a partner. I am sure he drives her mad poor love.

[Saffron]

Just Married, I wanted to say that I completely agree with you about the not eating thing. When Mr Saffron was away at Her Maj's Hotel I lost two stone, dropping to about 7st (98lbs) which is far too little for my 5'7" height. However it became like a competition for me - my life was so insane that the only thing I could control was what I ate. At one point I would only allow myself to eat one grape a day, plus a bottle of wine. It was the alocohol that gave me the calories I needed to function.
I would cook proper homemade food for my son but nothing for myself. It was only when I almost fainted at work that I realised I had to eat to stay alive. And that I had to stay alive for my son.
My eating habits are vastly improved now. It's taken 8 years, but I am back at the sensible 9st weight I was previously.

[the advocate]

Just Married

I was in the same situation as you a couple of years ago, and was accused of multiple counts of rape by my now ex-wife. I'm convinced that she wanted the kids, the house, and all the money, and went for the slam dunk. So after a major battle lasting 18 months, and minor battles which are still ongoing, I've got the kids, the house, and she's got a bit of the money to keep her company on the long winter nights.

I'm sorry to have just seen your thread, and also sorry to the others on here that I don't have as much time as I'd like to visit the forums here.

Depending upon what your wife is trying to achieve, she can still use the police as a weapon. Virtually anything can be considered harassment these days, and my ex wife was fond of running to the police if she had sent me an email and didn't like that I hadn't agreed to do what she said. During the civil proceedings, I got a court order against the police to disclose all the documents in their possession relating to the allegations against me, and beside the rape allegations I also saw the police CRIS reports of her harassment allegations. These documents talked about issuing me with a first level harassment warning, based on her say-so, and there was a very interesting change of tone after the police spoke to me about her harassment allegations. I was given the 'you've been sending her emails' to which my response was 'yes, in response to hers. Has she shown you these yet?' to which the police response was 'no'. So they were prepared to - for want of a better word - do me for harassment, without having seen the supposedly offending correspondence.

On another occasion my ex wife breached a court undertaking, and kept a large amount of my possessions which she had agreed to give me as part of a settlement. I tried to report her for breach of the undertaking and theft, and I was told to go away by the police. I took back my car, which had been given to her as part of the same settlement, and which had a value of about a third of what she had kept. The police then mounted an investigation of theft against me, which rumbled on for a further 2 months.

So in my experience, the police are strongly biased in favour of the woman in a woman v man situation, and I have the evidence from the police's own records of the prejudicial assumptions which they make. So beware of further complaints being made against you.

I would certainly advise speaking to a family law solicitor as soon as possible, and making sure that your **** deflectors are well and truly in place. I've seen enough 'bonkers judges' as one barrister described them to me, who will take completely uncorroborated allegations in a woman's civil statements as having the certainty of Holy Writ. You will win, but it takes time, money and emotional energy, so its easier prevent problems before they occur. I also live in south london, and know a very good family law solicitor who was an absolute saviour during my ordeal.

And lastly, I did get my MP to assist in having my arrest records, DNA and the rest removed from the police national computer. As far as I can see, there are about 1.45m arrests annually in England & Wales, and about 300 successful removals from police databases. If you're interested, let me know and I'll see if we have the same MP. it would be no bad thing for him to be aware of the large number of false accusations which go on.

[Rights Fighter]

At one point I would only allow myself to eat one grape a day, plus a bottle of wine. It was the alocohol that gave me the calories I needed to function.

In my case although it gives the calories needed to 'function' it also gave me hangovers, sickness and often diarrhea. But then I did sometimes go over the one bottle. I was quite famous for it but I rarely drink now. Long may that continue......