Help needed urgent

[Izzy]

BT do a free service called privacy at home, not a lot of people seem to know about it, but if you sign up to it you get caller display free.
http://www.productsandservices.bt.co...?topicId=25504

They take malicious calls seriously and can put a trace on the line, so when you receive one you press a certain button to register it as malicious, it is quick and easy to do. They don't tell you who it is but they inform the police.

I would definately get caller display and not answer any withheld numbers, if it's important and genuine the caller will leave a message.

[diana_holbourn]

@Diana

I am sorry but I may as well need some of your kind help as I do not understand everything...
I am sorry but some people can be twisted to ruin someonelse's life and welcome to the real world.
When you are called from the hospital shouldn't it be a "private number".
He won't get any of the phone numbers if they withheld them and if someone was accusing me of doing this,
I would just said I rang a wrong number and you can't prove what I was talking about on the phone.
Then if you have an answering machine,you would still need my number...
And at 1am to listen that your father is in hospital,I wouldn't think about a prank,I would fly to the hospital...
If I had an answering machine after living what Tatguy lived as soon as I would hear a message,I would jump out of bed.
I wouldn't even wait for a message ,I would answer straight away without checking who rang.
When you are accused of rape,you just sleep in your dreams.
You can't sleep,you are not yourself,you think that noone understand you and they don't...
Except on this forum and bless your brother and the moderators for their precious help.
You can't concentrate,you can't think about blue sky,flowers and breathing deeply,relaxing,watching comedies,having warm baths,...
It might help you for a few minutes or hours which is better than nothing but you must keep your mind busy and concentrate on something different.
And I know I contradict myself as I wrote that you can't concentrate but you must try to.


You must be strong,...
I am not rough & tough but welcome to the jungle.

It is just hell,you feel hammered and I swear it is like having the devil's claws in your back and you must find ways to fight them.
It is my opinion.
It is just my advice and I am sure that Tatguy must be tormented by his misfortune.
If he wants he can ask his friend's daughter to have some mental "help" but I wouldn't be surprise of the outcome:
She won't say "Oh yes please!"

Once again it is just my personal view and Tatguy I am just trying to help you for you to be less stressed.
Take care of your family and yourself,keep strong and once again you must be more clever than this girl.

Perhaps what you said came across sounding a lot worse and more judgmental than you meant it. The point of my objection to what you said was that you were accusing him of making his family's life "hell". Him. That was unfair, considering he's just been through a hellish experience himself. He is not the one who made that hoax phone call. He did not know anyone was planning to do anything that bad. So when you recommended him to change his number before and he said he wouldn't, he wasn't saying no in the knowledge that something like this might happen. He had no idea it would happen. So when you said he himself is making his family's life "hell", it sounded as if you were judging him with the benefit of hind-sight. Since this has only just happened, he might well decide to change his number after all. But he's still recovering from the shock of it! It has only just happened. It changes things from the way they were before when he said he wouldn't change the number.


So yes, now, changing his number might be one option. And now things have got this serious, he might consider it after all. But there are other possible options too, if he really doesn't want to. And even if he does, as I said, it might not stop people trying to get at him; it might even make their tactics more sinister as they look for replacement ways to hassle him.


On another note, I wonder if the girl ever got decent psychiatric help when she was doing things at school that got her excluded. A psychologist could even help clear the case up, though obviously she wouldn't be recommended to see a psychologist for that purpose. Since she's only a young teenager, if a parent or authority figure said they wanted her to go to a psychologist for the problems she has had a history of for some time, she'd have to go. She wouldn't be in a position to say yes or no. But in fact, even a relative or friend of the family could help clear up the case, possibly. For example, if anyone were to ask her if she'd made the accusation up, naturally she'd deny it on reflex. But if they were to develop a good rapport with her, and then say something like, "Why did you make up that story about having a relationship with him and tell the police? He must have done something to make you really angry! What did he do?" [Remember he hasn't been accused of rape but of having a physical relationship with someone very underage], then she might assume they already know the story's made-up, and if she doesn't protest that she didn't make it up but instead starts complaining about what he did to provoke her, it'll be a sign that the accusation isn't genuine; and then the conversation might lead on to a frank admission by her that she made the accusation up.


Still, it might be difficult for tatguyuk to try to persuade anyone to talk to her like that, since perhaps he could be accused of breaching his bail conditions by trying to persuade someone to influence her to drop the charges by asking leading questions. I'm not sure where the line would be drawn.


If some equivalent of this happened in school, if it was a young girl accusing an older boy of persuading her into a physical relationship and a teacher was told instead of the police, the accusation would get nowhere near this far; a good teacher would interview both of them separately and perhaps also together, and if they began to suspect the girl of making things up, they might use the tactic I've described or something similar, she might start opening up to the teacher about what her real problems are, and the whole case might be sorted out and dropped within the hour. It's a pity that in this case, things have to go this far and be left to escalate.


There are laws against phone harassment though that the police could be reminded of: Here's a website that seems good, all about telephone harassment and what laws it's in breach of.

[diana_holbourn]

... Oh, and as for relaxation techniques and such only lasting for a few hours, BDC, yes, that's all they could be expected to last for. The point of doing them, as I said to Mark, would be to try and calm down for long enough that you can actually think straight so you're in a better position to decide what to do for the best about your situation. It might well be difficult to relax, but it would be worth a try, if it led to helping you plan better.


I wonder if Mark's still alive. Relaxation techniques could also help draw you back from the edge of suicide for long enough that you can think of alternative options. Oh well, if he went over the edge and actually committed it, it's a shame, but you can't win 'em all.

[Boys don't cry]

Than you Diana and I do apologise Tatguy.
Sometimes my english is overwhelmed by feelings and tiredness.
I want the best solution to help and sometimes you need something strong to react.

You need to react,you can't let her win,anything.
You must be stronger and wiser than this adolescent.
There are solutions against these phone calls and you can't let her and her friends harrass you.
It will drain you mentally and physically.
We can help you by giving you clues and I can't go in the ring for you.

Diana.
I talked about Mark as well with RF and told her that I lived exactly the same.
I couldn't understand that he wanted her back,I would rather not imagine the future if he did,she could have blame him for anything.
I wouldn't go anywhere near my wife.
I hope as well that he is still alive and if someone refuses someone else's help,...
It is your own choice.

Now I will do what I can to help the falsely accused.
I am not perfect and my writing is like my accent,when I write something it is only with good intention.
Sometimes you need someone to push you to react.
When I went to court I had dates to learn by heart and I was so tired .
I would have been alone I wouldn't have learnt them but someone forced me and pushed me to do it...
God bless her.

I know that to fight is extremely hard,painful,tiring but it is the only way to see the light at the end.

The cards are in your hands Tatguy...
Thank you Diana.

[RFLH]

Diana - as English isn't Boys Don't Cry's language - I think he does really well in his posts. Sometimes its as well to find things out first, before having a go.

[diana_holbourn]

Diana - as English isn't Boys Don't Cry's language - I think he does really well in his posts. Sometimes its as well to find things out first, before having a go.

Are you suggesting I ask, "Is English your first language" before responding to anything anyone I'm not familiar with says that sounds insensitive? I've seen that done on other forums and it sounds horribly patronising. Hahahaha.


I knew it already, actually, but my "go" merely consisted of me recommending him to consider what he was saying, because telling someone they are making their family's life hell just after they received a horribly scary hoax phone call from someone else sounded horribly like judging in hind-sight and being unnecessarily harsh. As such, I don't think what I said was unreasonable at all. I'm glad the matter was cleared up before tatguyuk himself read it and might have felt the same as I did. BDC, thanks for clarifying that you only had good intentions and that you were phrasing things harshly for a reason. I appreciate what you're saying. You actually do seem quite sweet-natured.


Slight off-topic diversion for a second, but while we're on the subject of coming across as overly harsh:


RFLH, you don't have to have English as a second language to come across as overly-harsh, (and if you do, it can't be assumed by default that you're unlikely to mean what you say.) I expect we've all said unintentionally harsh and insensitive things on forums at times - I'm pretty sure I have, - but maybe it's something we all ought to watch. I was seriously tempted to have a go at you the other day, but didn't, for something you said to Mark that sounded frankly heartless. You said it to a man on the verge of suicide who was talking about suffering heart-breaking emotional torment:

　

Im not having a good day today, Im supposed to be having the kids for the weekend tomorrow but Im dreading it. I dont know why but I feel like I shouldnt see them. I know they need me and I know I have all these people looking out for me but I dont know how long I can go on feeling like this. Its torture, im falling apart.



People tell me it is selfish to want to die, but isnt it selfish for people to want me to live in this much pain? They will never understand what this has done to me, they arent the ones crying themselves to sleep every night wishing someone would put me out of my misery. As stupid as it sounds I was disspointed my illness wasnt life threatening. I could have gone with my dignity and spared my family any unesessary heart ache. I am having to set myself targets to reach just to stop myself from acting on my thoughts, I tell myself at night "make a decision in the morning" then when it gets to the morning I try not to think and get straight to work. At work I can put my mind on other things but even that is now starting to get difficult. If I could I would donate my life to someone who needed it, someone who deserves it. I feel like there is no place for me here anymore but I cant do anything about it because I have people who need me. ...



The thing is everyone is different. My family were my life and I dont ever see myself getting them back. If I do get over this I am facing paying the mortgage until the kids are 18. She could have a new man and I would be paying for their home. I will never be able to start again as I dont earn a great deal, I wouldnt even be able to afford to rent somewhere. ... I keep trying to find something I can hold onto to pull myself through but I just cant see it. I want to be happy again, i want to be able to fight but I cant. I can feel the hurt right into my bones, its something I have never experienced before, ive been hurt but not like this. I dont feel sorry for myself, I just dont want to be me anymore. I just want to fade away. ...

　

I would love to be able to get angry, I know its what I need but how can I? I dont know what she wants, I dont know if she is planning on us getting counselling or if she wants me out. I cant get angry about her leaving me if I dont she that is what she intends to do... (hope that makes sense). Im not angry about the allegation, I feel sorry for her and respsonsible for her state of mind. Ive tried to be angry but I miss her so much, I still love her and I cant turn that love into anger. Which takes me back to square one again.

　

oh boy, you are your own worst enemy.

　

　　

I think she's made it perfectly clear that your marriage is over - I don't think you could live happily ever after having had this nightmare to live through.

One of a relationship's cornerstones is trust - you can't trust her not to do this again or add further accusations to the list.

　

　　

Get angry with me for telling you the truth you know it deep down, you just don't want to stare it in the face.

　

　　

If you don't, then you'll be sitting inside and then you'll be angry. She won't visit you and you won't see your children. Who knows where they'll be when

you get out? By then there may be someone else on the scene. Angry yet when you look at your future?

　　

Time to help yourself - cos nobody else will do it for you.

　

　　

Angry yet?

　

　　

Have a go at me - tell me to **** off - but do something with an emotion attached to it, other than apathy.

I don't think "apathy" was what he was experiencing right then! I was aware you were just trying to motivate him to fight the false accusation to avert the horrible danger that he'd end up in prison. But still, it sounded a bit ghastly as a response to someone in emotional torment, desperately missing his wife, and saying that to someone right on the edge of suicide is risky. It could have led him to despair rather than anger. It could have helped push him over the edge. Hopefully nothing like that happened. Perhaps it's time to resurrect his thread and ask him for an update. You did give him some friendly advice later, so hopefully that helped.


Anyway, high time we got back to discussion of what this thread's supposed to be about.

[Rights Fighter]

It is clear to most of us that English is not BDC's first language. The question does not need to be asked.

I can see where he is coming from. If members of my family or friends were being harassed by somebody who was actually attempting to target me by getting at others, then I too would feel it to be my responsibility to put a stop to it. If that meant changing my number (or doing anything else that I could) then so be it, that is what I would do.

I have heard so many people (not just on here) complaining about hoax calls yet when one suggests 'change your number' the response is 'no' followed by 'why should I let them win?'

Ermmm sorry but by allowing them to pester you (the 'you' being a generalisation - not referring to anybody in particular) then you are indeed 'letting them win'. Not only that, you are allowing the hassle to continue and subsequently your life is still being disrupted when the answer is in your own hands.

Relaxation techniques are good when one is in the right frame of mind. Sometimes though, try as one might, it is hugely difficult to actually relax when the mind is all over the place accompanied by abject terror.

Sometimes merely a talk with somebody who understands and allows you to ramble can do far more good than visualisation relaxation techniques.

[tatguyuk]

thx for your replies i tried to block withheld numbers but lost a lot of buisiness calls over it also i get called from overseas a lot and that blocks them
also im on the internet were i have to be for work ect ect so its very easy to find my new number if they wished so no matter how i do it thats the result

[diana_holbourn]

It is clear to most of us that English is not BDC's first language. The question does not need to be asked.

I can see where he is coming from. If members of my family or friends were being harassed by somebody who was actually attempting to target me by getting at others, then I too would feel it to be my responsibility to put a stop to it. If that meant changing my number (or doing anything else that I could) then so be it, that is what I would do.

I have heard so many people (not just on here) complaining about hoax calls yet when one suggests 'change your number' the response is 'no' followed by 'why should I let them win?'

Ermmm sorry but by allowing them to pester you (the 'you' being a generalisation - not referring to anybody in particular) then you are indeed 'letting them win'. Not only that, you are allowing the hassle to continue and subsequently your life is still being disrupted when the answer is in your own hands.

Relaxation techniques are good when one is in the right frame of mind. Sometimes though, try as one might, it is hugely difficult to actually relax when the mind is all over the place accompanied by abject terror.

Sometimes merely a talk with somebody who understands and allows you to ramble can do far more good than visualisation relaxation techniques.

(I know the question about BDC and English doesn't need to be asked; I was being flippant.)


I agree, tatguyuk certainly needs to do something about the hoax calls, whether that be changing his number or something else. Actually, BDC put a quote from another site on the board after he said what I objected to that sounded really useful, about different options telephone companies could provide to help people suffering abusive calls. But I think this is the first time someone else in tatguyuk's family has been the direct target of the callers rather than him. It was an unexpected escalation.


And I agree that relaxation techniques won't work for everyone or all the time. Sometimes, other options will be far better, perhaps medication as a short-term option. Sometimes sedative medication can get people in the frame of mind where they can take steps to help themselves, as you're no doubt aware. Or an intensive exercise session to calm down might be far more useful for some people than relaxation techniques. And so on.

[RFLH]

Diana - I have no intention of going into anything on someone elses thread - if you have any issues with me - please start a new one.

[diana_holbourn]

Diana - I have no intention of going into anything on someone elses thread - if you have any issues with me - please start a new one.

I merely had one point to make and I made it, thanks - (albeit with a lot of words, [most of which weren't mine]); it wasn't intended to be the start of a discussion. ... Of course, if you'd prefer it if it Was one, then You can start the thread.

[Boys don't cry]

Tatguy

I don'y know and don't want to know about your business but I respect you for working at obviously anytime.
Can't you listen to your clients messages a few hours later and leave your mobile in another room ?
If they are regulars maybe you should just get a pay as you go and email or text them them this new number.
There must be a solution for you to get in contact with them,...customer service.
Imagine you had a problem with your phone line and your mobile,you can't lose your business,
there must be a solution for this girl not to have one of your work number at least.
I remember a program where a business man was sleeping with his mobile and was constantly with it for business purpose.
I hope you are not him.

Take care,try to get some sleep and find a solution.
I am sure you want to get out of this with your family,
we'll help you as much as we can but you must help yourself first.

[Boys don't cry]

This post is out of context but I want Diana to know.
You probably read my thread so know a bit about me.
My wife accused me and I was left in the street with a motorbike and a rucksack at 11pm after being arrested in front of the children by police officers in two cars.
Only one week after I received the divorce paper with this horrendous act on it.
I didn't sign it.One week after I was rebailed and coudn't stand it and had a motorbike accident.The motorbike (675)is no more I had just some bruises.
I slept on the floor,I had to start from scratch again at 40.
I couldn't fill the (financial)divorce paper as I had just a few clothes,suddenly nearly all my belongings appeard in one container for me to collect (by foot).
Then the financial request again.
The motorbike accident,my boss telling me to fight for my 10 years old son that I haven't seen since beginning of 2011.
Starting from scratch,the divorce,the accident,the rape allegation,I forgot front page of the newspapers,the web,being a b...y foreigner.
One week before the trial my "ex wife "said to the cafcass regarding my son that I am a criminal before I went to trial because she was too sure to win.
I forgot again she said to the police that if she was talking to them about "rape" I would commit suicide ...
But it was financial and she had someone else and I managed to prove her wrong.

I am still here and still fight to see my son and the divorce.
RF saw me,the jury,the judge,one of my wife's family member came as a witness for me.
I am still quiet and shy and don't know where I get the energy from as I work full and part time job.
Yes I know,for my SON and now ,for everyone who are and will be falsely accused.
You can treat me as you like as well as my posts.
I am from where I am and most of you know now but all my advices are to help.
RF is usually blamed for being right and some of the members need this.
I will support as well RFLH for her post to Mark.
I was ready to give my private details for him,what can I do more?
You want the help or not,you want it you accept it.
You don't want,it is your choice...

Take care all of you.
(I'm late for work)

[diana_holbourn]

Gosh that's horrible! Perhaps especially being arrested in front of your children. I do sympathise with you.


I appreciate your efforts to support others here. And I hope you can see your son again.


The only reason I objected to what you said last night was because it sounded as if you were blaming one of the victims of a scary distressing phone call for it having happened. Still, I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across like that now. Everyone probably comes across in ways they didn't intend to sometimes.


(I'll resurrect Mark's thread, and any further left-over discussion there happens to be of whether RFLH was right to sound a bit harsh with him given the context of what he was saying can take place there.)

[Boys don't cry]

I am not blaming anyone,it is just my way to help.
I really appreciate your help Diana,and now when I have a few hours free I don't mind watching a film near a candle with the window open...
I really appreciate your posts but for me they would belong in "What to do afterwards,..."
I just want Tatguy,Mark, anyone to react...and it is the only way out.
If I had the knowledge, I woud help as well the feminine gender because I am sure some have been abused and this shouldn't happen.

You must trust the moderators.