False rape claim made on child custody claim

[uklad]

Hi

I am after some urgent advice as I am in a right panic at the moment.
The following is related to a false rape claim but I need to tell you the current situation first:
Me and my partner lived together for 5yrs, and we have a 3yr old daughter.
On tuesday she told me the relationship was over and I ended up stopping at my mums with my daughter tuesday and wednesday night as my ex partner has a long history of depression and I felt more comfortable with my daughter being with me.

During this time I contacted a legal help team about what rights I had with regards to my daughter and I was told that because I am on the birth certificate that I had equal rights and that I could keep my daughter with me until it goes to courts unless my daughters welfare was at stake.
And then this afternoon (thursday) I got a knock on the door from a courts official serving me papers and saying I had to hand my daughter over immediately. I was completely devastated and heartbroken.
When I had said my goodbyes I read the court order and she had done a 7 page statement basically making out I was abusive in our relationship, that I constantly argued with her in front of our daughter and mostly worryingly she has said that I raped her 2 years ago.
Now my ex suffers from a long history of mental health problems before and after i met her including attempted suicides, self harm, aggression, physical abuse towards me which I have photos of bruises, I even had to call police on her once as she started trashing our flat. Also she has cheated on me in past.

My question is, I received this order with her statement in of false rape this afternoon and its now 1am and I have had no police knock on my door. Does this mean that she wont have pressed charges? also the fact that she mentioned to a custody judge that I apparently raped her as a way of just using it as more evidence towards her custody case for our daughter would the courts take the case up themselves even if she hasn't pressed charges?

And lastly the rape apparently happened 2 years ago but yet 2 years ago we was a happy couple with a baby and since the alleged rape took place we have since had a healthy sex life, we got engaged, she has put numerous facebook statuses saying how I am her loving man and best daddy in the world etc, we have been planning a wedding and most importantly she is quite happy for me on my own to look after our daughter whilst shes at college during week - now does this sound like the actions of someone who had been raped by their partner 2 years previous?
Now I know my ex and I know she is making all this up to get custody of our daughter, so you think I should stop worrying and concentrate on the custody case that I have to go to court for next week or is there a chance I could get there and be charged for this?
Also she told me at the start if the relationship that she had been raped in the past by one of her mothers ex bfs but she has never told anyone about it!

Any help would be greatly appreciated
Thanks

[Casehardened]

Hi Uklad & welcome to the forum,

Probably not the reply you wanted to hear but sadly several members of the forum have been in a similar situation of wives/partners using a rape allegation as a weapon in a custody battle for the children (so much so that I wonder if there is a forum somewhere out there that offers women advice on to how to successfully win custody cases!)

Hopefully someone who has already been in your situation will be along to offer advice as to how they coped; however to answer your specific question:

also the fact that she mentioned to a custody judge that I apparently raped her as a way of just using it as more evidence towards her custody case for our daughter would the courts take the case up themselves even if she hasn't pressed charges?

The family court judge wouldn't and couldn't pass a judgement on the rape allegation; however if it is presented as evidence in the paperwork he will certainly query as to whether it has been investigated by the police before taking it into account in making his judgement in the custody issue.

What your partner will say or do then I've really no idea......however if she then takes the allegation to the police it is likely that the custody case won't be determined until the outcome of the rape case is known (for the obvious reason that, in the worst outcome, you won't be around to take care of your daughter)


I'm sorry to to not be able to put a better spin on this, but my personal opinion is that you wound your partner up by taking her daughter away from her (never underestimate the bond between mother and child) and she is fighting back in any way possible to get her back. Obviously, should the rape allegation go to trial you can then use this a a motive for her making the false allegation.

[worriedandconcerned]

Hi casehardened

Probably not pc to say but although we should not underestimate the bond between mother and child it should also be recognised the bond that fathers can have with there child and are often more capable of meeting that childs needs than the mother.

Sorry just had to say that !!

[Casehardened]

Hi casehardened

Probably not pc to say but although we should not underestimate the bond between mother and child it should also be recognised the bond that fathers can have with there child and are often more capable of meeting that childs needs than the mother.

Sorry just had to say that !!

Yes I do completely agree with you in that fathers can and should bond with their children, but the point I was making is that mothers will feel that their children are literally a part of them and if taken away it is like a part of them has been removed.

Obviously it would be better if a mum was to say this as really I can have no idea of actually how strong this emotional bond is

[worriedandconcerned]

Yes I do completely agree with you in that fathers can and should bond with their children, but the point I was making is that mothers will feel that their children are literally a part of them and if taken away it is like a part of them has been removed.

Obviously it would be better if a mum was to say this as really I can have no idea of actually how strong this emotional bond is

Yes sorry if i came across a bit wrong and to be honest i was just pointing out that uklad may or may not be more capable of meeting his childs needs and any mother would rightly feel that a child is literally part of them because they are but they are just as much part of the father and thats a fact.
For his ex wife to falsely accuse him of rape just to keep custody of a child would confirm that he did the right thing as she is clearly not the kind of person to bring up a well balanced child.

[Casehardened]

[QUOTE=worriedandconcerned;26829

For his ex wife to falsely accuse him of rape just to keep custody of a child would confirm that he did the right thing as she is clearly not the kind of person to bring up a well balanced child.

[/QUOTE]

Yes of course, and also from Uklad's description of his ex's previous behavioral in his op you are quite correct.

Of course, in the family court, both sides of the story will be heard, and hopefully the child's welfare will be paramount in any decision that is reached.

[Faith]

(so much so that I wonder if there is a forum somewhere out there that offers women advice on to how to successfully win custody cases!)

No!! Agh, never give me that URL!!

For his ex wife to falsely accuse him of rape just to keep custody of a child would confirm that he did the right thing as she is clearly not the kind of person to bring up a well balanced child.

I agree with this and, if this gets into police hands, then it will have to be taken into account, as CH says, her motives for raising the allegation and previous similar behaviour.

What I would be doing if I were you, is trawling back through emails, Facebook and texts and screenshotting/saving anything from around the time of the alleged rape that shows that your relationship was on healthy ground. Do not give this to the police as they will show her this and all she then has to do is change the date of the alleged rape, just keep them for yourself, should you ever need them.

Always best to be prepared for the worst outcome. For all we know, it may well not get to police. However, if she passes this on to a counsellor or something, often the counsellor will feel duty bound to pass the concerns on themselves or at least encourage the person to contact the police.
Similarly, the judge is likely to take her claim more seriously if it had been reported and, when your ex realises this, she may feel she has to report it out of fear that those at the custody hearing may not believe her otherwise.

Try not to worry. We will be here to support you each tricky step so please keep coming back.

[Rights Fighter]

The OP needs to instruct a family law solicitor who is used to dealing with false allegations of sexual abuse within a family law case.

This is very much typical of the beginning of an abuse case. It could get worse. If her allegations do not succeed with a family court judge she might decide to include your daughter into the allegations.

I cannot stress how important it is that you instruct a family law sol who is used to dealing with this sort of case where allegations escalate as the mother loses ground.

[lawlessone2009]

This is really serious and really bad.

You've gotten yourself here nice and early, thankfully!

I could add:

1. Any info you do save/screenshot must be saved on external media and kept with a friend or relative outwith your abode.

2. If the Police get a hold of your mobile/computer then they will keep them until their investigations are over (although another poster indicated lately that they got their phone back after 6 hours.... To be confirmed if this is becoming standard practice!).

3. Do not attend any Police interviews without a solicitor present. The duty solicitor may be sufficient if your means are limited but ensure you get their name and practice details in case you need info from them later.

4. Restrict communications with your ex. If you are to meet with her in any capacity then ensure that someone else is present. It is for your own safety and something that SHE has forced you to now do.

5. If the allegation of rape has not been put before a court then it is unsubstantiated and should not be used in a custody battle. The family courts are more than aware of what one party will say about another to attempt to ensure custody. They WILL call her bluff and encourage her to involve the Police. If she does then you will be interviewed and bailed/charged. If she doesn't then the courts will get a snippet of her mentality.

6. Custody battles are nasty and destructive. You will need to get a good family solicitor onboard that is capable of putting together a response to her allegations in a manner which is fair and compassionate, focusing clearly on your daughter, whilst also discounting her draconian allegations and highlighting your concerns for your daughters well being under the supervision of a mentally unstable woman.


Welcome to the Aladdins cave of information about things you never believed you needed to know. The above points are merely little additions to the fantastic info already handed out. We will all be here for you every step of the way! Some people specialise in certain areas/share certain experiences where as others (Rights Fighter for instance) are simply gods that get their teeth into everything and always have the proper and concise answers. Casehardened never seems to stop with the wisdom and knowledge! I just like to rant about the injustices in the world whilst attempting to help...

There are many many others that are fantastic but I'd be here all night running the honours list...

Here's to an informed future of freedom with your daughter being the biggest part of it.

[Faith]

To answer you lawlessone regarding the holding of equipment, it would be quite rare to receive something back in 6 hours.

if there is something on the equipment that will be used as evidence, it is likely that the police will retain it until the investigation is closed.

Similarly, if a computer or phone needs a forensic examination (for recovery of old text messages or to search a hard drive for example) then this can take many months. I've heard of cases just short of a year.

So, in short, it isn't becoming the norm for these things to be returned. Which is why your advice of keeping anything safe and secure at alternative premises is seriously important.

[RFLH]

good post Lawless, thank you.

[lawlessone2009]

I try...

It was merely another post, Faith, where this was mentioned. It could be the result of some super new software/evidential requirement or it could just be that someone was lucky in their case.

I can't discount that it is possible. I don't believe that it is but until time has passed sufficiently I won't know for definite. Others may appear in the not too distant future with similar experiences...

Evolution of legal process may have jumped to the same light speed as inflation and government spending...

Backing up everything and holding at a different address is currently still the only recommended option for those that are able too.

[uklad]

thanks for all your replies guys

this last few days have just be hell, i am missing my daughter so much.
I saw a solicitor and he thinks we have a good case, he said the court case is only county and not criminal and is scheduled for only 20mins so he thinks that obviously they are wanting to hear my side, he also has stated that there is alot of things documented during the 2 yrs since the alleged claim (like the fact we booked a holiday only a few months ago, the fact that we recently was planning to get married, her doing fb statuses about "her wonderful man" and most importantly the fact she leaves our daughter with me whilst she is at college during the week) that show her actions and behavior since aren't of someone who had been put threw a terrible ordeal.

[Rights Fighter]

.............................

5. If the allegation of rape has not been put before a court then it is unsubstantiated and should not be used in a custody battle. The family courts are more than aware of what one party will say about another to attempt to ensure custody. They WILL call her bluff and encourage her to involve the Police. If she does then you will be interviewed and bailed/charged. If she doesn't then the courts will get a snippet of her mentality.

Unfortunately this is not true. Unsubstantiated allegations are used every day by feckless men and women to get what they want in a divorce/custody battle. Often they go no further than family court.

You are right in saying '.....and should not be used in a custody battle'. Unsubstantiated allegations should not be used - but they often are. It's allowed. It's acceptable (to the courts) and it's oh so wrong.....

[lawlessone2009]

Okay.

My personal experience here and it is second-hand.

My brother has been fighting for simple 'access' to his boy for nearly two years. My brother works abroad and earns very good money so he is forking out thousands but this really was not necessary. If he wasn't such a selfish barsteward things would've been sorted out sooner. Luckily his ex-fiancée isn't crying rape, yet......

The initial 'hearing' in court is simply process. The case calls, names are taken and paperwork lodged. It could be a case of an interim agreement to see if things work without the court getting involved.

Let your ex run ragged at this stage. Let her unleash her venom and show her dark side. If she has a solicitor acting then this most likely won't happen though. Over time her solicitor will realise her motives and selfishness and allow her to make an ass of herself. For now it will be a quick hearing with little result.

Long term you need to ensure that you put your differences with your ex aside and focus entirely on your little lady. Everything that you do you are doing for her, do not get involved in disputes and provide mature counter-arguments to anything that she puts on the table. Ensure that everything you do shows devotion to your daughter and not malice towards your ex. Show that you are willing to interact with your ex in any manner required to ensure your daughter doesn't suffer.

It's all about 'attitude'. Fail the attitude test and you will most likely end up seeing your daughter for one hour a week in a contact centre. Pass the attitude test and the courts will most likely not place many restrictions on family life at all. If your ex becomes awkward then you need to pass the details to your solicitor and NOT start arguing with her. Take the moral high ground and stick to it.

The courts are not a push over when it comes to children. They will investigate every avenue available to them as ultimately their failures can result in a child being damaged.

I would have your solicitor table 'relationship counselling' as a first avenue to explore. Have your ex refuse it, if she accepts then all the better but you need to show determination to exhaust all avenues fairly and thoroughly. Start simply and allow her to dig a hole unless she IS willing to get over any hatred for you for the sake of your daughter.

You never know, maybe she'll get over her bitterness. If things ever move towards a 'relationship' with her again then you will need to be very careful. Someone who is willing to cry wolf once will do it again.