Advice Needed.

[jfpl]

Hello everyone, new member here. I've looked through various threads but can't find an issue similar to mine, apologies if i've missed it.

I was in a relationship with a woman since 2000, her daughter was 3 at the time. Over time she started calling me 'dad' and I thought of her as my own and loved her, and her mum, with all my heart.

In December 2011 my now 15 year-old daughter accused me of raping her when she was 9. This is completely untrue and needless to say led to the break up of myself and my partner (daughter's mum).

I haven't spoken to the girl since then, although I have spoken to her mum on a number of occasions, who said she doesn't know what to believe, however the fact that she still actually talks to me implies (in my mind at least) that she doesn't believe the allegations, but that's just me guessing.

I took an overdose a couple of days after the accusations were made and ended up in a mental health unit for 4 weeks, I have since found a place to live a few miles away and am trying to start again, with some difficulty. I was already suffering from depression and anxiety at the time so although the accusations were a catalyst for the suicide attempt my mood was already low to begin with.

I told my mother about the allegations and she is 100% in my corner, as is one of my oldest and closest friends. The rest of the family however, believe that this is true, which in a way I can understand, simply because the society we live in teaches us that kids would never make things like this up. To be honest it's not the fact they don't believe me, it's the fact that none of them bothered to look me in the eye and ask me, they just decided straight away that I am guilty.

The girl and her mum haven't gone to the police, and I don't know if they will do.

My point (finally I hear you cry!), is what do you think I should do now? Should I go to the police myself? Bearing in mind I would then be putting my daughter through a ,what I would imagine, would be a very unpleasant experience for her, as despite everything I still love her and don't want anything bad to happen to her.

Or should I just leave everything as it is? And let my daughter and her mum make the decision about going to the police?

Apologies for my rambling, I just feel a bit of background is necessary to try and get a fuller picture.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated,

Thanks.

[Casehardened]

Hi Jfbl,

Firstly welcome to the forum and I am sorry to read of the situation that brought you here.

Quite simply if the police get to hear of this allegation, they will investigate it; and as you have had a look at the forum you will be aware of what this entails. As the allegation involves a minor, your PC will be seized for forensic examination and this will inevitably lengthen the investigation.

Obviously you can do nothing to stop the girl or her mother going to the police but, whilst I can understand you wanting to bring matters to a head, I would strongly advise you not to go yourself.

As to what you should do instead, I will leave it to wiser members to advise; however were I in your situation, my instinct would be not to approach the girl directly for fear of inflaming the situation but asking her mother as to her opinion as to why she has brought this false allegation (obviously it is anger against yourself but why?)

[Faith]

The mother of this girl must have SERIOUS doubts if she has not reported this to the police.
Most parents would not even think twice about doing that; so she must have a gut instinct that this is not true.
As CH says, if you walk into a police station and raise it, then you will be arrested immediately and a long investigation will begin. The 'victim;' might find themselves under pressure/feeling trapped and will make a statement against you when if you hadn't gone along there, there had been no intention of doing so in the first place.

This is a scary situation for you to be in. I'd try and limit contact as far as possible with everyone in this situation, unless the mother What you need to do, is make some preparations in case this is ever raised. Perhaps you can get some sort of evidence that the mum doesn't believe such as by recording a phone call or saving any texts or emails. Build a timeline so that if you ever are arrested, you are prepared with the facts. if there is any evidence on your computer that may be useul, make a copy of it and store it somewhere else as, like CH says, the plod would likely confiscate your computer and things that may have helped will be unobtainable or even lost

[largactyl1]

Oh, this must be awful. You are trapped between a rock and a hard place here and I totally feel for you.

In a perfect world, I would go to the police myself in order for the situation to be sorted out and put away for good. HOWEVER, we do NOT live in a perfect world and so you cannot go to the plod without going through a terrible investigation which may well go badly for you despite youmakning the initail concerns.

This leaves you in limbo, and I really empathise that you have the sword of damocles hanging over your head.

Take note of the experienced members here.

Best Wishes
Jen

[Boys don't cry]

I would be extremely carefull.
If it was my case I wouldn't report to the police because it could turn against you.
I would keep low profile and try her mother to give you as many information as possible.
But don't push for them,I would just wait.
Don't be angry,keep calm.
I know it is easy to say but don't be a firestarter.
So many years after,if the mother really believesdher daughter you would have already been to to police station.
Keep faith and keep posting.

[Denise]

Hi and welcome
Before my son was falsely accused and back in my innocent and naive days, I would've advised you to tell the police as it proves you are innocent

But not anymore, you don't know what type of officer you will be dealing with

I really feel for you :-(
Xx

[lawlessone2009]

The mother would go to the Police whether this was true or not if she believed there was a chance it was. Clearly as she hasn't she doesn't believe it.

She may be simply satisfying her daughter by implying that she does believe her but obviously failing to act in a formal manner as she knows it's untrue.

I would also find it odd that, if you have family that think you're guilty, nobody has went to the Police.

Are you 'feeling' that they think you are guilty or have some of them actually came out and said it? Be careful if ONE person is talking for many as they may have an agenda and want to hurt you/alienate you from family.

If others are not talking directly to you about things then why don't you bring it up with them and get them involved in a conversation?

I wouldn't recommend going to the Police. I would actively encourage the mother to act or have the child act. You will know better than me what the girls intentions are, money/breaking you and mum up/attention, and should act as you see fit. If you truly believe the girl WILL go through with a false allegation then I wouldn't put pressure on the situation however if you believe she is plainly lying for whatever vindictive reason then I would challenge it! Lay your grounds out with her mum and then have her make the move, don't approach either of them directly and of course, wherever possible, record calls and log emails etc.

[J&PVTHW]

Hi JFPL

Sorry you have found yourself here, we are all naive when joining but very quickly learn the 'truth' about our fabulous British Justice System.

My son's accuser also informed us of an 'allegation' prior to informing the police. What baffles me is how a mother waits 4 days to inform the police IF she believes her daughter has been raped ??
My husband and I also stated to the accuser's father that if they did not inform the police then we would ourselves BUT were advised not to do this but to gather evidence from the very beginning to disprove this awful lie.

I also felt like people were judging me and my family from the very beginning and felt like i wanted to prove to the world that my son was innocent. I think it is a familiar feeling most have experienced and it does get easier with time. I have learnt to adapt my life around this dreadful time, I'm not going to lie to you I have good days and bad but i have surrounded myself with a few really good friends who know 'everything' about my son's case and who are a pillar of support to me.

Keep coming back to the site, i have received some tremendous support and info from lots of great people.

Sending you hugs and strength x

[jfpl]

First of all many apologies for not responding to all your replies sooner.

Secondly thank you all for your help, it means more to me than you will ever know.

As of this moment things are as they were when I first posted. I have spoken to my ex dozens of times in this period and we are still comfortable speaking to each other ie no awkwardness etc, so I really feel she does not believe the allegations.

No mention has been made of going to the police, but I don't know if this will change in the future.

To give an example of how much my ex and I are getting on, I volunteered to house sit for them when they go on holiday and she doesn't have a problem with that. Indeed she asked my daughter if she had any objections and she said no, but doesn't want to see me.

Thanks again for all your help

[Faith]

Pfffffffffffffffff

Rather you than me.
Getting involved again is just ASKING for trouble.

[RFLH]

not a wise move at all.

[Boys don't cry]

You volunteered to house sit while they will be on holidays.
The next accusation will be robbery,stealing,vandalism,...you have the choice.

[Faith]

I would imagine the accusations will be worse than that...all it will take will be for him to be alone with daughter once...

[wunderland]

I would be very VERY carefull to stay as far away from the girl as possible because your situation sounds like your in the ocean with a great white shark.You got to be carefull (WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T GO THE POLICE) I can't advise you but i would be scared of the girl becoming older and going to the police or her mother I don't know what to tell you besides yes be prepared it sounds very serious

[traumatisedrose]

housesitting for them?!?! whoa!!!! i would SO NOT go there mate...its asking for trouble!!!