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This is my story. Forgive the length but its interesting I think in that it is a very common circumstance for many men who are falsely accused of all manner of things after family breakdown.
I have been looking at this forum for a while but was too cowardly to post while criminal proceedings were still live in case the police could put some negative slant on my posts.
I met someone in 2005. We were both 36. She became pregnant ‘accidentally’ very quickly. She refused to have a termination so my rationale at the time was ‘well you can’t have a baby with someone and not give a relationship a chance and have a go at a normal family set up’ (I realise the fault in this thinking in retrospect). I always made it clear that marriage was never on the cards and that it was a case of giving things a go.
We had a son in 2006 at the end of Feb 2006. We muddled through until 2008 with lots of incidents of her unstable nature along the way (in January 2008 I found condoms with holes pricked in them in my draw and she denied doing it, I nearly left then and there but stayed for my son).
I had no sexual desire for her whatsoever. It wasn’t her depriving me of sex but rather the other way around. She was just so bloody evil and hard I found I just didn’t want to be with her, let alone make love to her. There was no sex from pregnancy until a year after our son was born. And then I think about twice in the next 12 months.
She ramped up the pressure and I eventually capitulated and agreed to another baby in July 2008. She became pregnant with our daughter and my motives for agreeing were again misguided. Being that I didn’t want our son to be an only child, at the time I didn’t want our son to have half siblings from other fathers (again I realise in retrospect this was utterly misguided), I didn’t want to be removed from my son (who I had forged a very strong bond with). Anyway to cut a long story short my ex left me 12 weeks into the pregnancy. I went away for a weekend with friends and came back to an empty house, which she had cleared out in my absence.
I knew something was going on if I am honest and I was finally relieved it was over. Friends were supportive and the general consensus was ‘there is no way you should have put up with that for the rest of your life…’. When we finally made contact after she left her stance was I have what I want now and I just need you for money and occaisional babysitting.
Our daughter was born at the end of April 2009.
I took legal advice on the child issues immediately when the relationship finally ended in 2008. My solicitors advice was to hold off on issuing proceedings straight away and try and build up a status quo of contact with both children and then try and formalise the relationship with a court order at a later date. It was somewhat complicated as she was pregnant at the time the relationship ended and his advice was that no court was going to order the removal of our son from a pregnant mother etc etc at the time.
Anyway, she gave me good contact with my son. When my daughter was born she was very possessive of our daughter for about a year. I put this down to natural things like breast feeding and indeed this is what she said although the possessiveness was ott. She insisted I only had contact with our daughter at her house and would not even let me have her alone for an hour or so. I hated going to her house but it was a choice at the time of that or not seeing my daughter at all. There was also a time when she went skiing and was happy for the daughter to be left with a childminder (who was not breast feeding her) between 8am and 5pm while she hit the slopes but insisted I go to her for contact with my daughter.
I carried on trying to build contact with the children until February 2011 when I finally issued proceedings in court to try and formalise contact with the children. I had got fed up with the excuses, the hypocritical behaviour, cancelling contact at short notice, changing plans at short notice. I just finally lost patience and went for it.
I may have been a bit heavy handed in the application to court. I applied for joint residency and care and in my pleadings my solicitor used the phrase that she was a ‘professional victim’ (which was true) who knew what to say and how to obtain services from people.
This is where it kicks off. Her response was to say that as well as having physically abused my daughter and her with violence, that I also raped her 5 times between March and June 2008. She had been to the Freedom project and that they had urged her to go to the police which she did (this is after her repeatedly inviting me to her house to see my daughter in 2009 and allowing me overnight contact with my daughter from summer of 2010 but her still inviting me into her home to fix things and do things and have additional contact).
On the 8th April the police turned up at my door in the morning and arrested me. I was taken to the station, processed, held in a cell until they were able to interview me. I am a solicitor, albeit, a commercial one not a criminal one so I opted to not have duty representation (which was a mistake) and I was interviewed for a couple of hours and bailed. Throughout the interview I explained how my ex had lied about one thing after another, and maintained my innocence and that she had only done this to advantage herself in the child proceedings (I was not aware of the other possible motives until I started to research it afterwards and I am shocked by what goes on).
I was bailed until 13th June. During which time the investigating police woman had called me to tell me my ex had not turned up for a medical examination. The investigating officer had also taken 3 weeks annual leave. I was then repeatedly re bailed and rebailed – with varying and inconsistent accounts of why from the police – until 13th October 2011, when I was charged with 4 of 5 alleged counts of rape. So just over 6 months on police bail.
I had got representation in the meantime. The police would not tell me which 4 of the 5 alleged rapes I was charged with and did not seem at all interested in the other allegations of domestic violence and abuse of my daughter. I believe that the police were more interested in improving their detection rate states when investigating and presenting evidence to the CPS.
Anyway, in January 2012 I had a call from my solicitor who had received a fax from the CPS saying that they were discontinuing the case. My instant reaction was relief. But commonly this was followed by anger that it happened at all.
My ex had placed a massive financial burden on me. Nearly bankrupted me (that is so close I cannot say and I am still up to my eyeballs in financial difficulty), my mums health really deteriorated during the episode, it held up progress in the child contact matters, some people who believe that most rapists get away with it look at me like I am the anti Christ and someone who has luckily evaded justice… the usual stuff.
What really angers me is that the police and CPS could not have had any more evidence in Janualy 2012 when the case was discontinued than they had in April 2011. They simply wasn’t any.
Also, like many people on here I would have liked my say in court. I know this is risky and a jury could have believed her. But my account of things isn’t anywhere. Whereas my ex appended her police report to her statement in the child contact proceedings and will no doubt use it again when she wants to try and poison our children against me at a later date.
I now have a dimemna. Which is to report her to the police. I have proof that she either lied in court or lied to the police. Her police report directly contradicts written statements she made in court. My sisters would also both witness the fact that she threatened to ‘ruin me’.
Also there are some other offences she has committed. Among these are possessing and distributing indecent images of children. Although this could be a bit low level in that she forwarded some jokey round robin emails of cute pictures of children. However, among them were some more sinister pictures of children, one naked boy holding a knife to his penis, another of a naked boy with sanitary products wrapped around his penis and another of another naked boy with his genitals in some food. They are definitely technical offenses but how interested the police and cps would be I have no idea.
She also committed fraud, obtaining credit cards using my address using a postal redirection after she had moved out of my home. I can also prove that she committed an insurance fraud and some other low level stuff.
My ideal situation would be that she is jailed for making false allegations and I have residencey of the children. My family solicitor says this is unlikely and that reporting her won’t in any way help my ongoing relationship and contact with my children.
My criminal defence solicitor says the police and cps are very unlikely to charge her and take her to trial.
But I still haven’t dropped the idea. I know she will use the fact that she made a report to the police to poison my children against me. I just haven’t had my say anywhere.
Also, peace hasn’t broken out following the CPS dropping the case. She is telling everyone who will listen that just because the CPS have dropped the case it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And what next, will she be coaching my daughter to make allegations against me? I would love to cease all contact with her but I can’t. There has to be a level of contact because we have to hand over the children (the civil courts have reinstated full overnight contact with the children).
On a more positive note I did meet a fantastic woman shortly before this started kicking off. I was completely honest with her about everything and she made the informed choice to stand by me. She has been fantastic. We married on the 29th January. So I am not dwelling on things. I am getting on with life. I just don’t know what the best course of action is for my children.
The other consideration for me is that my ex is a childrens nurse, training to be a midwife. If she was only cautioned for her behaviour it may have an impact on her advanced CRB check and prejudice her chances of employment. 1. It may be better for me if she is disctracted with a professional job, and 2. It would be better for my children if she has a professional job that pays a reasonable salary.
Conversely, the children have not suffered (in terms of being fed and having material needs cared for) while she hasn’t worked for the last few years and she didn’t care that she has prejudiced my career and almost put me away for 8 years minimum when she made the allegations. My new wife is a physiotherapist and also needs advanced CRB checks. Any new allegations by my ex against her could prejudice her career.
What do I do next? If I report her I do it now before the evidence becomes too aged. And if I don’t I simply don’t do it at all.
I have been looking at this forum for a while but was too cowardly to post while criminal proceedings were still live in case the police could put some negative slant on my posts.
I met someone in 2005. We were both 36. She became pregnant ‘accidentally’ very quickly. She refused to have a termination so my rationale at the time was ‘well you can’t have a baby with someone and not give a relationship a chance and have a go at a normal family set up’ (I realise the fault in this thinking in retrospect). I always made it clear that marriage was never on the cards and that it was a case of giving things a go.
We had a son in 2006 at the end of Feb 2006. We muddled through until 2008 with lots of incidents of her unstable nature along the way (in January 2008 I found condoms with holes pricked in them in my draw and she denied doing it, I nearly left then and there but stayed for my son).
I had no sexual desire for her whatsoever. It wasn’t her depriving me of sex but rather the other way around. She was just so bloody evil and hard I found I just didn’t want to be with her, let alone make love to her. There was no sex from pregnancy until a year after our son was born. And then I think about twice in the next 12 months.
She ramped up the pressure and I eventually capitulated and agreed to another baby in July 2008. She became pregnant with our daughter and my motives for agreeing were again misguided. Being that I didn’t want our son to be an only child, at the time I didn’t want our son to have half siblings from other fathers (again I realise in retrospect this was utterly misguided), I didn’t want to be removed from my son (who I had forged a very strong bond with). Anyway to cut a long story short my ex left me 12 weeks into the pregnancy. I went away for a weekend with friends and came back to an empty house, which she had cleared out in my absence.
I knew something was going on if I am honest and I was finally relieved it was over. Friends were supportive and the general consensus was ‘there is no way you should have put up with that for the rest of your life…’. When we finally made contact after she left her stance was I have what I want now and I just need you for money and occaisional babysitting.
Our daughter was born at the end of April 2009.
I took legal advice on the child issues immediately when the relationship finally ended in 2008. My solicitors advice was to hold off on issuing proceedings straight away and try and build up a status quo of contact with both children and then try and formalise the relationship with a court order at a later date. It was somewhat complicated as she was pregnant at the time the relationship ended and his advice was that no court was going to order the removal of our son from a pregnant mother etc etc at the time.
Anyway, she gave me good contact with my son. When my daughter was born she was very possessive of our daughter for about a year. I put this down to natural things like breast feeding and indeed this is what she said although the possessiveness was ott. She insisted I only had contact with our daughter at her house and would not even let me have her alone for an hour or so. I hated going to her house but it was a choice at the time of that or not seeing my daughter at all. There was also a time when she went skiing and was happy for the daughter to be left with a childminder (who was not breast feeding her) between 8am and 5pm while she hit the slopes but insisted I go to her for contact with my daughter.
I carried on trying to build contact with the children until February 2011 when I finally issued proceedings in court to try and formalise contact with the children. I had got fed up with the excuses, the hypocritical behaviour, cancelling contact at short notice, changing plans at short notice. I just finally lost patience and went for it.
I may have been a bit heavy handed in the application to court. I applied for joint residency and care and in my pleadings my solicitor used the phrase that she was a ‘professional victim’ (which was true) who knew what to say and how to obtain services from people.
This is where it kicks off. Her response was to say that as well as having physically abused my daughter and her with violence, that I also raped her 5 times between March and June 2008. She had been to the Freedom project and that they had urged her to go to the police which she did (this is after her repeatedly inviting me to her house to see my daughter in 2009 and allowing me overnight contact with my daughter from summer of 2010 but her still inviting me into her home to fix things and do things and have additional contact).
On the 8th April the police turned up at my door in the morning and arrested me. I was taken to the station, processed, held in a cell until they were able to interview me. I am a solicitor, albeit, a commercial one not a criminal one so I opted to not have duty representation (which was a mistake) and I was interviewed for a couple of hours and bailed. Throughout the interview I explained how my ex had lied about one thing after another, and maintained my innocence and that she had only done this to advantage herself in the child proceedings (I was not aware of the other possible motives until I started to research it afterwards and I am shocked by what goes on).
I was bailed until 13th June. During which time the investigating police woman had called me to tell me my ex had not turned up for a medical examination. The investigating officer had also taken 3 weeks annual leave. I was then repeatedly re bailed and rebailed – with varying and inconsistent accounts of why from the police – until 13th October 2011, when I was charged with 4 of 5 alleged counts of rape. So just over 6 months on police bail.
I had got representation in the meantime. The police would not tell me which 4 of the 5 alleged rapes I was charged with and did not seem at all interested in the other allegations of domestic violence and abuse of my daughter. I believe that the police were more interested in improving their detection rate states when investigating and presenting evidence to the CPS.
Anyway, in January 2012 I had a call from my solicitor who had received a fax from the CPS saying that they were discontinuing the case. My instant reaction was relief. But commonly this was followed by anger that it happened at all.
My ex had placed a massive financial burden on me. Nearly bankrupted me (that is so close I cannot say and I am still up to my eyeballs in financial difficulty), my mums health really deteriorated during the episode, it held up progress in the child contact matters, some people who believe that most rapists get away with it look at me like I am the anti Christ and someone who has luckily evaded justice… the usual stuff.
What really angers me is that the police and CPS could not have had any more evidence in Janualy 2012 when the case was discontinued than they had in April 2011. They simply wasn’t any.
Also, like many people on here I would have liked my say in court. I know this is risky and a jury could have believed her. But my account of things isn’t anywhere. Whereas my ex appended her police report to her statement in the child contact proceedings and will no doubt use it again when she wants to try and poison our children against me at a later date.
I now have a dimemna. Which is to report her to the police. I have proof that she either lied in court or lied to the police. Her police report directly contradicts written statements she made in court. My sisters would also both witness the fact that she threatened to ‘ruin me’.
Also there are some other offences she has committed. Among these are possessing and distributing indecent images of children. Although this could be a bit low level in that she forwarded some jokey round robin emails of cute pictures of children. However, among them were some more sinister pictures of children, one naked boy holding a knife to his penis, another of a naked boy with sanitary products wrapped around his penis and another of another naked boy with his genitals in some food. They are definitely technical offenses but how interested the police and cps would be I have no idea.
She also committed fraud, obtaining credit cards using my address using a postal redirection after she had moved out of my home. I can also prove that she committed an insurance fraud and some other low level stuff.
My ideal situation would be that she is jailed for making false allegations and I have residencey of the children. My family solicitor says this is unlikely and that reporting her won’t in any way help my ongoing relationship and contact with my children.
My criminal defence solicitor says the police and cps are very unlikely to charge her and take her to trial.
But I still haven’t dropped the idea. I know she will use the fact that she made a report to the police to poison my children against me. I just haven’t had my say anywhere.
Also, peace hasn’t broken out following the CPS dropping the case. She is telling everyone who will listen that just because the CPS have dropped the case it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And what next, will she be coaching my daughter to make allegations against me? I would love to cease all contact with her but I can’t. There has to be a level of contact because we have to hand over the children (the civil courts have reinstated full overnight contact with the children).
On a more positive note I did meet a fantastic woman shortly before this started kicking off. I was completely honest with her about everything and she made the informed choice to stand by me. She has been fantastic. We married on the 29th January. So I am not dwelling on things. I am getting on with life. I just don’t know what the best course of action is for my children.
The other consideration for me is that my ex is a childrens nurse, training to be a midwife. If she was only cautioned for her behaviour it may have an impact on her advanced CRB check and prejudice her chances of employment. 1. It may be better for me if she is disctracted with a professional job, and 2. It would be better for my children if she has a professional job that pays a reasonable salary.
Conversely, the children have not suffered (in terms of being fed and having material needs cared for) while she hasn’t worked for the last few years and she didn’t care that she has prejudiced my career and almost put me away for 8 years minimum when she made the allegations. My new wife is a physiotherapist and also needs advanced CRB checks. Any new allegations by my ex against her could prejudice her career.
What do I do next? If I report her I do it now before the evidence becomes too aged. And if I don’t I simply don’t do it at all.
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