Mental Health and FA

[yoda]

I've been doing some research on Bipolar vs BPD as the original poster requested. I'm now firmly of the opinion that my wife(soon to be ex) presented most(not all) of the traits of someone with BPD. It's helped me understand how all those things i've felt but have been unable to articulate really did exist.

I found this link and finally found the courage to follow it as i was trying to be very careful in my post NFA recovery.

http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

I'd been made to feel very unsupportive over the last 5 years when I know deep inside I'd been trying so hard.

I'd been told I'd been so hurtful yet in sharing the incidents no one else thinks they are significant.

Her experiance in domestic violance through her work was tuned on me although we rarley even raised voices.

She commanded our couples councilling by her emotion and i was made to feel so bad...Individual coucilling only caused her to "Split" seeing me as all bad.

Post "Splitting" she pulled the remaining good memories of our marriage apart.

Once their was nothing left our last meeting ended up in a false alligation.

I still love this women! But I see we can never be together I need to look after myself and my boys.

There is a women out there that will love me for who I am, I just hope I have the courage to love her!

[lawlessone2009]

It's good that you are doing a lot of reading and attempting to fully understand the situation and also by the sounds of it discover information that may be of use to your soon to be ex-wife.

Be careful however. A lot of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy etc stuff is very very generalised and more open to interpretation than law, and that is saying something.

You obviously have the first hand knowledge of the situation and the surrounding circumstances which led to the downfall of your relationship so I cannot pass judgement other than to advise caution.

Your soon to be ex-wife will most likely blame you for the breakup and you vice versa even if you both fail to admit it. There will be middle ground in there somewhere whether that be your wifes irrational behaviour and mentally induced rejection of you being the root cause or something else entirely.

I understand the false accusation and also the mental issues as you have put forward. I also understand the risk that you may put yourself in but if you sincerely love her then is there a chance she may still love you? Would it be too late for relationship counseling?

Can you think of any specific external force that 'changed' your wife at some point in your relationship? Job loss, family death etc... The current economic climate is extremely burdensome on relationships and it doesn't take much for a normal relationship to become a dangerous partnership with each party out to hurt the other as much as possible.

[largactyl1]

I understand the false accusation and also the mental issues as you have put forward. I also understand the risk that you may put yourself in but if you sincerely love her then is there a chance she may still love you? Would it be too late for relationship counseling?

Can you think of any specific external force that 'changed' your wife at some point in your relationship? Job loss, family death etc... The current economic climate is extremely burdensome on relationships and it doesn't take much for a normal relationship to become a dangerous partnership with each party out to hurt the other as much as possible.

Hi there, If I were in the OP's position, I would never ever in a million years be able to trust again someone who deliberately, and with malice, made the dangerous and revolting lie that constitutes a false accusation of rape. I know that when a person is Falsely Accused by someone who they are in a serious relationship with is bound to have many complex feelings and thoughts re. the good times, the bad times etc. But trust is vital. What is she actually capable of if given another opportunity?

Kind regards
Jen

[Izzy]

I'm maybe too cynical but I wouldn't try to analyze someone who had made a FA.
Only they know the reason they made it - no excuse for it.
One thing I know is that I would never put myself in that situation with that person again, I think you realise that Yolda and yes you need to look after yourself and your boys.

Take care,

Izzy

[lawlessone2009]

I understand what you are both saying. Love is blind though.

I wouldn't recommend it either but merely asking the question.

Anything is possible in this world.

[yoda]

I understand what you are both saying. Love is blind though.

I wouldn't recommend it either but merely asking the question.

Anything is possible in this world.

You've put me into a little tail spin by those two posts... I rememeber the good times yes I do and I'd love the opportunity to be their again. But the issues remains with this condiation she'll will never be able to relax and be content no matter how hard I try. The hard I try the less energy I have for me and it's never enough.

Yes when the relationship took a dive my with was suffering due to her job "Domestic Voilance Support" transfer to another provider she was also hit by her family 2 deaths in cornwall that arm of her family give her a lot of comfort(that was stable compared to her family in the east midlands. A beloved anty died of cancer and a cousin committed suicide this was dude to many issue not least sexual abuse from a grand father.

We started couples councilling when the job and anty issues occured but she took control of the councilling via her emotion. I was highlighted as inconsiderate and unsupportive. I was on the ropes in councilling and now i'm out fo the relationship i can't beleiave how I let that happen. I work full time and I have shared care of 3 boys, a scout leader and I'm very active with my boys... I'm a very good dad! The couples councilling went from bad to worse suggesting I was sexually abusing her in the marital bed and some how emtionally abusing her leading into sexual abuse in bed, very low times.

The councilling hit me hard and it impacted my self esteam greatly. Now i'm out and i understand more the councilling was me being emotionally abused not her!

Yes love is blind given the chance I'd fall for her again and I'd rememeber nothing but the goodtimes.

The good news is I've got my Dad/Sister and friends that would tell me in no uncertain terms NO. They've seen how shes broken me over the last 6 months..

For me I get to submitt for divorce this week(marriage cert turned up yesterday ).

I get to watch my wife looking bubbly and happy in the school play ground knowing what turmoil is within. I pitty her and love her but I can't be with her!

[Denise]

Yoda

You WILL Move On one day

The hardest thing and ongoing thing I've had to deal with apart from this mans daughters false accusation on my son, was the break up from him

He controlled me totally yet leant on me immensely during his depressive periods
He wanted constant appreciation and ego building and it drained me yet somehow, and I still can't explain it, he made me feel I needed him

When he beat me for the last time and I left, I was heartbroken for months
I tried another relationship but I was useless, I couldn't give my heart to someone while it still belonged to him, I was so angry at myself because my head told me moving on was the right thing to do yet my head and heart weren't running in synch together

During the months I was away from our home he still controlled me
He treated me like dirt and made me feel dirty
He hated the fact I was slowly building a new life even though he had
A gf himself

My friends and family couldn't understand why I didn't hate him
Neither could I

I was only early 40s yet resigned myself to the fact it wouldn't be possible to have another relationship because I was too mentally scarred

Just when I started to relax my present partner got in touch via Facebook, his sister had been speaking to me on fb (we've known each others families for years) he was hearing good things about me, I used to go clubbing with my brother and his brother would come and say that I'm not a typical clubber lol because I'd get tipsy, dance the night away, wear the outfits but I was always right near my brother, would never accept a drink from anyone or talk to men

I straight away told my OH my story and that I can't get into a relationship and that I can only offer friendship, he had just lost his marriage so was ok with that

He came to see me and made me laugh so much, he was so kind and caring but so patient, I missed him so much the evenings I didn't see him and within a week we had fallen for each other

When you've had an intense relationship like you've had it will take a very long time to get your head around the loss, it's a bereavement which has to be mourned

You will move on, but it takes time
And you learn so quick what you will and won't accept in a new relationship

There is definitely a life after breakup
Good luck xx

[yoda]

Thank you Denise...

The sun is out and therefore shorts it is... Time to take me boys out for a walk(no i don't have a dog).

But that can wait till this afternoon as haircut is on the cards and a little squaring away in the house to do.

Romantic Relationships can wait a little while.. Me first and then my boys.

[RFLH]

you will get there - I stood by my ex throughout it all and in the process lost my children and grandchildren and family - only to be ceremonially dumped for a younger model a few years after he came out.

It did hurt and I did lose my marbles for a while - but 2 years on and I share my life with a great bloke now, something I didn't think would happen cos I'm knocking on a bit (well a lot!)

[Faith]

Yoda you obviously have your head screwed on...you know overall that there is no way back for you and your wife.
But the situation you are in is by no means standard so the doubts you have will be normal.
They will subside one day and you will be able to get on with rebuilding your life.
You will find someone who is worthy of you

[yoda]

Sorry but this thread going a little off topic from what I'd hoped for...

I've homed in on BPD almost 2 months after my NFA.. What I want this thread to become is a hint a clue to others as to a potential factor in their accusation.

If you are aware early on that BPD can be playing a part you may play for defense so much better. For me i was lucky i highlighted Mental health early on in police interviews but I mentioned Bipolar and not BPD. This must influence the case somewhat with the police and CPS!

I didn't dare look into it any further becuase is was distressing for me I didn't want to blame the women i loved for all the mistakes that had happened and I also knew i needed to be angry with her to protect myself.

If I had isolated BPD early on i could of colated details that would of helped make the NFA more likely and just generally understood why.

The why is very important to me and now I know i'll be able to piece things together.

[LS]

You can collate all you like, but it's of no relevance to someone being FA'd, as the police only go by evidence likely to lead to a conviction.

You've got the reason behind the FA, but it won't stop the wheels from turning.
So you know why she did it, yippee-do. Getting that across to the police to stop an FA turning into a conviction is a different matter entirely.

[Faith]

Sorry but this thread going a little off topic from what I'd hoped for...

I apologise. I'll take my good wishes elsewhere.

[yoda]

Good wishes always welcome but I also want to make sure we help others...

God only knows how many other people have been accused during 2012!

[Faith]

To be brutally honest, I can't really see how this does help anyone who comes along falsely accused. As LS said, it's largely irrelevant in the eyes of the police and CPS.