Confused and left hollow

[accusedhusband]

Hi
I am new to this kind of thing and have never posed on a forum before!
I have never been in trouble with the law before and I am so out of my depth.
History; I have been accused, falsely, of raping my wife, twice, while we were in the process of separating during January 12. The first I knew was when my wife had gone out for the night and I received a knock at the door by a policeman at 03.30, via bedroom window, I saw her car was missing and thought the worst!
When I answered the door I was met by 8 police officers and informed that I was being arrested for 2 counts of rape and threatening to burn down my property????
I was home alone with my 2 children, in bed, and was dumbfounded. Obviously I was supportive and willingly went with the officers, leaving one male officer in my house with a 12yr old daughter and 6 yr old son in bed “waiting for someone to come and have them?” This seemed wrong, but I had no choice.
I spent 15hrs at the station and was interviewed, told that I was released under police bail pending further investigation, and that I could not return to my home as my wife was still removing her possessions and should refrain from returning for at least another hour???
As it turned out, I was accused of raping my wife on 2 accounts; we did indeed have sex on both these occasions, one instigated by me and one by her. Although she claimed the 2nd was in front of our children. How has consensual sex turned into rape???
This has left me confused, worried and dumbstruck… I work within the public sector – education and this has left my career in question/over.
I am currently suffering high blood pressure and am at risk of heart attack but this is how she responds???
I do not understand how or why this has happened and I am in a really dark place, feeling that my life, career, relationship with my children is all over. I hope someone out there can understand how I feel and where I am. I have done nothing but work hard for my family, creating a safe secure environment a safe future, but now am in hell.
I am now have to have no contact with her, my kids until I report to the police on the 4th April, and from the posts I have read that will only be extended as it is her word against mine.
How do I cope, how do I not end it, what is there for me to focus on. I have no friends or family here in the UK, they are in the US, where I cannot go to…. Please can someone give me words to help or steer me into the right direction.
I hope this is not breaking the rules of the forum, but do not know where to turn next.

[Faith]

Dear accusedhusband

You have come to the right place. Please try and remain calm and collected. This is not easy, you must be very frightened and feel alone. You are not.

As you can see from our membership, false allegations are highly common. Your wife has made these vile accusations either as a motive for revenge or by means of getting some cash out of you and/or the system. You are an innocent man. Any thoughts of harming yourself should be combatted with that. You owe it to yourself and moreso your children to fight this.
Whatever else you may lose you are, and always will be a father. Do not ever deprive your children of their dad.

Onto what you do from here.
Did you have a solicitor in your interview?

What happens from here is the police will try to build a case against you. it will then go to the Crown prosecution Service who will then decide whether or not it will go to court.

You must get a solicitor who is a specialist in the field of sexual crime. There is no other option. Many work on legal aid if you can't afford to go private. post up your county, someone may be able to suggest a solicitor for you.

Because of your health issues, you must visit your GP. it is important that you do not put your heart at any more risk.

Keep visiting here and asking questions or ranting. We understand what you are going through. It is a winnable battle. Take Care.

[accusedhusband]

Thanks

Thank you for your quick response Faith, I am still trying to work out how this all works.

I had a solicitor at the interview but all she has said is to wait till the CPS decides what to do next, 4th April. She was the duty solicitor and I know nothing about her, so how do I find out if this is her specialty? All she has said is that it is a typical case of my wife’s word against mine and should it proceed it will be a long drawn out case that the CPS probably won’t take on. I should not worry as it will be removed from my record and wont show on enhanced CRB? Is that supposed to be words of support???

Do I wait or do I seek a specialist solicitor now?

I am based I Canterbury, Kent if anyone can help, please.

My GP has only prescribed me medication for my heart condition and I don’t want to consider anti depressants as they have bad press, although I do feel like dropping the medication and awaiting gods decision, again it does seem easier to check out on my own….

I wont make any promises as I am really in hell, I am sure others know how I feel, but I will keep trying here.

[Faith]

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but your solicitor is incorrect here. An accusation like this WILL show up on your eCRB if you get NFA'd. From that alone, I would doubt that this solicitor is a specialist.
Unfortunately, the fact that it is one word against the other is no guarantee that the CPS will not take it on. Many times they do. often there is no other evidence in a rape case, including genuine, true accusations.

She is encouraging you to be complacent. I am afraid I'd disagree with her. You can tell by researching solicitors, viewing websites, speaking to them and reading customer reviews to discover their specialities and success rates. Search the sol name on Google and see if you can find any news stories.

There are a few members near your area, so I am sure someone may help with a solicitor.

Certain meds for depression arent addictive and all they do is take the edge off. It's worth having the conversation at least but they aren't for everyone.

Feeling suicidal is normal in this situation. As a father, you have more to fight for than some. Even if you lost everything in the world, you still have children in this world. That is worth holding on for.

[accusedhusband]

Not sure I have the fight in me; I have never been in this kind of position before and cannot relate to it. As a father who cannot see the only driving force in his life, his kids, is actually making me feel worse.

I will, if I can get over tonight, research sols tomorrow. This has been going on since the 26th Jan and I have no drive or fight left in me.

Why do people see suicide as an easy way out, it’s not, as its tough and takes some bravery to do, trust me....

I know there are lots of people in this place, but they all seem to have someone there, I am alone. My local friends have all disappeared and everyone I know is at the end of a phone but in another country. Sometimes a hug is all it takes. Sorry for the self destruction point of view, but I feel as betrayed as is possible…I have not done anything wrong, but feel guilty till proven innocent.

[largactyl1]

Hi there, so sorry that you are going through this hell. Your emotions are bound to be affected by the situation you find yourself in. Although they won't give advice, I really do recommend The Samaritans, as you can talk through everything that you are going through.

I truly understand your suicidal feelings, but you can fight this. People here will support you as much as possible and give you invaluable advice. If you are depressed, you should be seeing your GP. Anti-depressants are very useful drugs which work on the brain chemistry. They are NOT tranquilizers which can be addictive if used inappropriately. Anti-depressants do not change anything about you - they work on increasing the levels of Seratonin and regulate noradrenalin and dopamine - all of which are affected during stressful situations, and then make you feel worse, and then you are more depressed and so the cycle downwards. Anti-depressants put an end to this downward spiral.

Talking about your situation is also vital, bottled up inside, with feelings of anger, fear, loss, confusion, disgust etc. adds to the pressure.
Very best wishes to you
Jen

[Faith]

You must seek help. Your feelings are normal...we all experience these thoughts and many people here have been left with nobody and have to deal with it alone. Contact Samaritans and also Michael from FACT http://www.factuk.org/contact-us/
This is a support line for falsely accused teachers and carers. He is very good...he helped me through my darkest days.

This is the worst ordeal that you will face...but it is beatable. This could just be a small blip in your life. There is life after the false allegation, honestly

[lawlessone2009]

I've actually been feeling suicidal the last few days. Not entirely sure why.

My mind is just numb.

When I was initially faced with my accusation, suicide was one of the first things that crossed my mind. I am sure it is one of the first things that cross everyones mind regardless of guilt or innocence. One man against the power and resources of the state with the Police more or less telling you you are guilty and all it takes to end the mind games is for you simply to confirm their suspicions...

In the aftermath you will feel degraded, isolated and violated. Not unlike an actual victim of rape, I would imagine.

You've been through a horrendous time and no doubt your visions of the world and your place in it have been swept from under your feet. You'll feel as if the door has closed and there is no future.

Well, there is!

The absolute worst thing that can happen to you is a period in jail. That's it! Your life may be changed forever after once you are released but you'll still be alive and breathing and your life will continue albeit slightly differently. Thousands of people have wrongly endured jail terms and come out the other end.

The general advice at the moment that you will need to focus on is getting yourself the absolute best of legal representation. This can be legal aid or privately funded. If possible I would go with legal aid although it depends on your finances but a defence could cost tens of thousands going private.

I wouldn't feel too pumped up to go out there tomorrow and rush into getting a solicitor. You have posted your county etc so I would give it a couple of days and someone on here will make a recommendation or maybe even two.

You're situation is reasonably common these days so do not feel isolated. It does feel as if you're the ONLY person that is enduring such vicious circumstances but rest assured that many others are also going through the same. Members on here vary from those who have been accused/NFA'd to those found guilty and having spent years innocently in jail. They will share their wisdom with you happily and also listen patiently to your problems. You have made enough of an effort simply to log on and post your problem. Relax and let others attempt to give some answers and guidance.

The pressures within the first few weeks of being accused are almost unbearable but with time they will subside. I generally find that other issues in life are having a far bigger impact on me, at the moment, than the accusation but the root of them ARE the accusation. I suppose this is normal and no doubt when my time is served in whatever way it ends I will be a far greater person than I ever imagined possible.

I understand your avoidance of doctors and drugs. I am the same, a gluten for punishment even if unjustly served.

At the moment I would ask your questions on here and listen to the answers. It will allow you to build up a little understanding so that when you do go on your quest of securing legal representation you will be empowered with enough information to make the correct decision.

Your wife 'may' withdraw her statements or it may be decided that there really isn't a case to answer. The unknown is what's causing a lot of your grief. This forum will hopefully begin the process of giving you the knowledge to conquer the unknown and prepare you for whatever battle may lie ahead.

PS. Welcome.

[Faith]

That's a brilliant post, lawlessone.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now?

[lawlessone2009]

Oh, I do try...

I'm feeling better now. Not even sure if I was feeling suicidal, just so utterly confused at the moment and seem to have suffered every cold and flu known to mankind over the past few weeks. I'm drained, cranky, grumpy, saddened, negative and my mind has packed up and disappeared on holiday.........

My better half is all set for murdering me I think....... She's been a real gem and given me ample space though (on my insistence!) but I'm not sure if I really wanted that or a great big hug. I just don't seem to know anything at the moment...

[Faith]

That all sounds very familiar...it's such a painful journey isn't it?
It's very good your OH has been there for you. Sometimes you can want both space AND a hug...very confusing.

If you ever want a chat just send me a PM

[lawlessone2009]

The journey is terrible... Thankful that my better half is putting up with me... (and all you guys!)

I'll keep you in mind for PMs if I need a shoulder for a virtual cry on.

Off to try and sleep now... Nite.

[RFLH]

nope - no black thoughts allowed here - this is a place for fighting and righting wrongs - you can't do that from the other side!

Welcome to the forum - you'll get support and advice here, we've been where you are now, either as the person concerned, partner or parent.

[Saffron]

Hello Accusedhusband
I can't add anything to the excellent advice already given other than to say please hang on.
Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but glad that you have.

[wunderland]

Dear accusedhusband,
I am was sad reading you story me being the victim of a false rape accusation as well.It has been over a year allready for me 1 year and 1 month.In the begining I to longed for an end to the horrible tourment I was like a walking zombie -massive paranoia MAJOR MAJOR Depression .The police traumatized the hell out of me -Me to never broken the law in my life and they put me in a jail with crazy people all i can say is things became a loving hell then as he months pass by slowly better i have been taking zoloft and will continue taking it untill my trial is over it should start the middle of this year maybe 1-2 months more .IN the begining i was sooo angry with everyone I lost it mentally pushed everyone who loved my near tears I WAS IN SOOOOOO MUCH EMOTIONAL PAIN THE PARASITE POLICE and This EVIL SATANIC false accuser even admitted to other people she was never raped try to detsroy me BUT im still standing what can we do ! whats the worst thing that can happen to me i go to jail I thing about the poor people who were in death camps and i say IM going to be fine im going to let this black hole make me stronger what's the use of dwelling on something you can't control to all the legal mumbo jumbo get the best help you can get do what they say but also it's important to let yourself go I think it took me 7 months to let go now Im so so so much stronger then I was Enjoy your time without the kids they will allways be there go for walks watch movies try do any kind of work WHO GIVES A DAMN what people think anymore life is short some people have no arms and no legs but they still smile I found that watching comedys help me laughter is the best medicine i save money now i take my anti depressants i also know im stable now and i just watch a funny movie instrad of seeing a dr This website helps a lot you will find a lot of love here We all genuinely care about each other and there is allways somone here online to help So it's very important to find peace with yourself forget everyone else your wife sounds sadastic but the only thing to do now is help yourself by the way I would highly recommend the anti depressants they REALLY help and working helps remember time heals all wounds and things will get better hang on