What do we do now

[Devasted]

On weds my partner was called into work office and suspended due to an allegation of sexual assault (he didnt tell me this) on thurs we were visited by two plain clothed officers who asked him to come to station for a chat only when i insisted that they tell me about what was i told he was being questioned about a 'rape' he left and returned 5hrs later and told me that he had slept with a woman on the monday and then went there again followin day and were close to sex again when she shouted at him to stop and get out which he did only for her to claim he raped her he refused duty solicitor because he said 'ive done nothing wrong' he has been bailed to police station until may 2nd since then ive spent the weekend veering between hysterics and anger firstly that he cheated on me that he lied to me and has blown our whole life apart but not for one moment do i think he raped her! At the moment i want to support him but dont know how as im so angry hes totally devastated and doesnt know where to turn and today we found out its all over his workplace about this alleged rape and he has a meeting with them tomorrow to discuss his suspension sorry if this post is all over the place but really cant think straight right now

[Denise]

Hi and welcome

Im so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine , our stories are so different, but you'll definitely get support here, there are a few women going through the same as you right now

The bail is normal, it is so they can make further enquiries plus it gives the accuser time and chance to withdraw their allegation

Keep talking to your partner....at this stage I would advise that you do use a duty solicitor if they need him for further questioning.

Also get your partner to log everything down on paper as is his account of this recent situation with this woman

I hope you'll be ok, keep coming on here and I promise you you will get lots of good advice and support xx

[Faith]

Fantastic advice from Denise

You are in an awful position but you must bear in mind that it is your right and yours alone to punish him for cheating. That can wait. The issue now is that he has been falsely accused of rape.

You are a good person to stand by him on this, it is the right thing to do, regardless of where your relationship goes when it is all over.

Sadly, he has made a bit of a mistake by refusing a duty solicitor but it's not the end of the world. He needs a solicitor NOW though. That is the first port of call and one who specialises in rape cases.

Post up your county and someone may be able to advise you on who to go for and who to avoid

[lawlessone2009]

Oh...

Okay.

This is going to be soooooo hard for you. The very fact you've appeared on here must mean that you care about him.

You are really going to need some time to yourself to decide on what YOU want to do. Being faced with your partner being unfaithful is the most important issue that you will need to deal with.

You're going to need to get answers from him as to WHY. He will be at his weakest just now so I would sit him down and thoroughly discuss his reasons. It is not uncommon for a man to be pursued by a woman these days, enjoy the attention and submit to her without actually considering the damage he could cause. Men are stupid that way (I'm a male...)

Once you have your answers it will then be time to decide whether to remain in the relationship or up sticks and leave him. If you are going to remain then you are going to have to endure the horrific time that lies ahead. Your man will change. You will also change, probably more than him as you have to deal with the cheating AND the allegation.

You will both need to spend time together doing 'fun' things and also no doubt spend time apart sorting out your thoughts and feelings.

If you stay with him then I believe that when both of you emerge from this you will be stronger for it. The relationship will be able to endure anything if it is able to survive the present. Your man will also most likely never cheat on you ever again, he'll be that damned scared!

If you were to post up your county/approx location then a solicitor could be recommended to you. It is tempting not to make a big deal of things at the moment but a proper specialist solicitor from as early on as possible is the way forward for asking legal questions/dealing with bail/collecting statements and evidence when available and also keeping you informed of any developments.

I would refrain from speaking with the Police any further without at least a solicitor present.

If your man works for a larger company or is a union member then I would ensure that he has someone present at the disciplinary. At the very least I would have a trusted fellow employee sitting in with him, preferably one with a little legal knowledge in employment law. Someone needs to sit with him as a witness as he may require them later if there is a constructive and unfair dismissal case as a result of the company treating the situation unprofessionally.

Did your man work alongside the accuser?

[Devasted]

We live in south wales and he was doing some work on her house for his company when it all started he has now been told that she has also slept with other men from another company we have no proof of this though,he is contacting a solicitor tommorow until we can find a specialist one thank you for ur replies makes me feel like im not alone although im now crying fresh tears, ive told him il stand by him through these allegations and if worse comes to worse prison il never believe he is capable of what she says but as for us and our relasionship thats another story even though i want to hug him and tell him its goin to be ok i cant at the moment and dont know if i ever will il always love him he is after all a fantastic father to my two boys and was a great partner until this on the plus side for him he has some good friends who have phoned and spoken to him offering support for him and myself but already the rumours have started and worried things will now get worse how can a woman do this to a man and his family!!

[Denise]

Devastated

One thing you will learn for sure reading stories on here is just how nasty and malicious accusers of false rape claims are

My view is there must be plenty more liars walking the streets than true rapists

Plus, how very sad it is for the true honest victims of rape xx

[lawlessone2009]

Yep.

The dis-service done to genuine rape victims. Sickens me to think that someone can just blurt out the word rape without actually having experienced it. Rape is horrific and not something that should be used for cash/attention/revenge. For all those that falsely accuse there could as a result be genuine rapists escaping justice.

It's going to take a long time for you to get anywhere near trusting your man again but there is no reason why you shouldn't spend time together. Life comes to a standstill in too many ways without adding to it.

He's been extremely stupid and I am sure he realises this. What he will hopefully realise in time is the hurt he has caused you. If you're good enough to hang around and support him then he is one lucky lucky man.

[largactyl1]

Hi there, so sorry you have had to find your way here. Just to recommend a solicitor - Gartsides in Newport - on Corn street near the bus station. I think it was Scott Bowen - he was recommended by Rights Fighter during Tony's traumatic False Allegation which ended with an NFA 14 months ago - after a nightmare of 4 months (which is a relatively short time compared with many people here).

Best wishes

Jen

[Devasted]

Thank you all again for ur advice and support he has now left to attend his meeting with work he couldnt take any work colleauges in with him as he was told that he must not contact or talk to anyone in the firm and that anyone who does talk to him would face disiplinary procedures as well. Two of his friends have contacted him though and told him that most of the workforce know what as been alleged and is now 'out there' . One of them also offered him a place to stay if needs be but at the moment he is still living here while we try to work through things. When he returns we will be contacting a solicitor( thank you jen for the name of one) i just hope that he can help us and put an end to this nightmare. There are a lot of things i dont understand about how things go from here and what happens in a rape accusation such as if she reported him on day of alleged offence why did it take police two days to come and question him? And if he agrees that yes he did sleep with her on first day and everything was fine but only came close to it on second day how can she allege rape?

[Faith]

Has he taken in a union rep?
By law, he is entitled to have somebody, whether a colleague or union rep, in to support him. He needs someone there to witness what is said at the very least or his bosses could claim he said anything!

[lawlessone2009]

I can see the company attempting to 'get rid' of him when this is over.

He is entitled to have a witness present, especially under the circumstances!

Has he got it in writing that he was to attend alone? Did you witness the phone call if it was over the phone?

He is already mounting up the evidence required for a constructive and unfair dismissal case.

If you and him are remaining together then you both need to gather evidence for the rape case AND the constructive and unfair dismissal. You may as well have some recompense out of the situation.

If the company pay him off do not go quietly! A tribunal is easy to win as long as you have the information. If the company are blatantly denying him his rights then they sound incompetent enough to loose spectacularly.

Have any other men came forward as having slept with her?

Do you have a confident, friend or family, that you can unload some of your own strain onto? An ear and voice of reason that can comfort you?

[Faith]

My work are trying the same procedures with me
Unrelated to my case (technically, but we all know their motive) they have said they have found 'discrepencies' on my application form.
It's all a ruse to get me quietly out...the last thing they want is for any fuss to be made...so that's the first thing they have to be threatened with.

[Devasted]

Have looked at the letter there is no mention of him being able to take anyone in with him only that if he has any evidence agains allegations he can take that in with him, hes been to meeting he wasnt asked if he wanted someone in with him at all but i can see where they are goin to be able to sack him he works for a decorating firm and sometimes is asked by a customer to do work on the side which he does but this is also the same for their electricians,carpenters other tradesmen they all do it but think they are goin to use this to get rid of him although the way they put it he touted for business!! He certaintly didnt u just get asked this when ur doin work there already but anyway we will know on thursday what the outcome is,its been said this woman has previously slept with workmen from another company who did work on her flat but as they are married/in a relasionship i cant see them coming forward and admitting it although she did mention the name of one of the men to my partner so ive told him to give the name to solicitor and see if he can do anything with it. Im to frightened to talk to any of my friends about it incase they judge him (and me for staying with him) i know i will get the why dont u get rid of him i would and id have kicked him out opinions and just not up to facing that at the moment im just about gettin through the days without other peoples judgements but most of all i dont want my partner hearing it all because i want him to stay positive and fight this hes been stupid yes but he doesnt deserve to have his life ruined because of it

[NOHOPE]

hi devastated,
just been reading your threads and your story is very similar to mine. my hubby was charged back in oct with sexual assault and this was with a tramp who i work for after a house party at mine. yes my hubby cheated on me but in no way shape or form did he force huimself on her she got scared of the consequences and cried assault.
firstly please beleive me when you do tell your friends you will be surprised with the support they give you and they do not judge. none of my friends have said i should split from my hubby and none think im daft for staying with him.
all his friends have said he is a knob ( sorry ) for cheating on me but again none beleive he could force himself on anyone.

over the next few weeks you will go from anger to frustration to pure depression.
most of my feelings are from him cheating and the rest is all about the court case but i have been with this man for a lot of years and i am not letting one stupid mistake take it all away.
no matter what the outcome for my hubby me my family our friends know he did not and could not do this sop we all stand by him.
you need to decide for YOURSELF what you want to do and do it for yourself no one else. the next few weeks months are going to be awful but this forum is a bloody godsend.

[Devasted]

Well solicitor now workng on it He asked about her reputation did he know of any other workers that had slept with her and was given the mans name also is looking at what his bosses have said ect told my partner to stop worrying and let him do the worrying for him. Feeling slightly less panicked now and hoping to god that he can see a way through this persons lies.He has been called a few choice names by his mate for what he has done to me and accepted that he deserves this. I know in my heart that i cant give up on him but i need to sort out a few things in my head before i can forgive him ( forget never) there will be lots of conditions to our relasionship continuing. Honestly dont know what i would have done without this forum and reading through some of ur stories im shocked at how much this goes on and disgusted that its allowed to so many lives ruined because of vindictive people