I'm a father of 3 falsely accused of rape and other matters by my wife

[Sonic757]

Hi,
Im feeling so isolated at the moment and stuck and hoping someone may be able to help!

Last Sunday i was arrested by the police at my home by my wife.I was taken to the police station and charge with weilding a kitchen knife and common assault.Then i was taken for fingerprints,DNA,photos etc i was very frightend as i have never been in any trouble with the police before.They then took me to a cell where i was kept overnight until i would be interviewed ,they asked if i wanted a duty solicitor which i said yes to.

After about 17 hours in the cell i saw the solicitor who informed me that things have got worse and my wife has now claimed 2 instances of alledged rape one in Oct2011 and Oct 2009.

I was stunned,speechless this cant be happening and on top of alledged assaults on my wife and alledged assault on my 14 year son my world had changed forever.

Just a bit of background :-My wife was having affair back in 2008 with a guy from a local rugby club,she denied everything until he came round one day and confessed.
That affair ended and my wife begged me to take her back and for the same of our 3 children i did and belive it or not i still loved her then.

Things where good until Sep2011 when my wife took a very stressful job and in December that year i found her cuddling another man in the changing rooms of our new fugby club.

I was heartbroken,angry this cant be happening to me again,things improved slightly over xmas then was the sucker blow. That i found out she started to have sexual relations with this man and wasnt going to stop.We where living in the same house i begged her to leave and stay with him she refused saying im not ready to yet and i will not leave the children.
I could not more out as i relied on her income and job seekers allowance as i was made redundance and the end of November when my company went into administration leaving me with no money at all.
We continued to lead double lives she would go away at weekends with her lover leaving me the childcare then she would come home and expect things to be normal.

As a net result the police bailed me until April with restrictions that i have no contact with my wife,or go to the family home and whats breaking my heart is no contact directly for indirectly with my 3 boys 7,13,14.

Im living with my mother now along way from friends but i do start work soon

Sorry this seems long winded,but this is the shorter version!

[fighter]

Hi Sonic, welcome to the forum. So sorry to hear your heart breaking story. You must still be in shock. April is a long way away for a rebail date; hopefully the police will see through your wife story. At this point it is a waiting game and definitely a time you would feel helpless; but I think what most people will say is for you to try to document everything that had happened in the last few years which would be helpful when you talk to your solicitor or if you will be charged.

Try to get busy with other things (easier said than done) and take care of yourself. Read through some of these threads so you will be familiar that these things do happen because some women are motivated by desire to get their husband out of the house; and get the kids. The threads would help you how people go through it.

By the way, being here is a good start to fighting this. We have a lot of experienced members and helpful bunch we are. :-) Again, welcome to the forum.

[Faith]

Hi Sonic
Thanks for being brave to tell us your story and sorry that you have had to find yourself here.
We are all very supportive here and have all been affected by the evil that is the false accusation before.

A former spouse is a very common form of accuser...and this sounds like a classic motive of revenge...and getting you out of the way.
You now face a waiting game until the CPS decide whether or not you will be charged.
It must be tearing you up being apart from your kids, there are other men here who are going through this, it can't be easy.
You must stay strong and prepare for the fight of your life.

How did your interview go? Did you answer questions or did you go 'no comment'?
Your first job needs to be to find a specialist solicitor. This is the advice we always give out first to anyone...it is so important that you get someone who knows how to deal with these things.

If you can give us the county (nothing more specific), someone may know of a decent solicitor in your reach.

What happens now is the police will build a file and send it to the CPS who decide what the course of action will be whether it is to NFA (No Further Action), Re Bail or charge.

Hold onto the fact that you are innocent. Hold your head high and be ready for this fight. I'd advise a visit to your GP as you will feel under a lot of strain and that can help.

Take Care

[Sonic757]

Thanks for you response guys
Did nt know this is happening to others as well !!
I have contacted the C.A.B and have a appointment with a family solicitor next week he said he may be able to help with contact with the boys.

My interview was very stressful i had hardly any sleep in the past 24hr as in the cells they keep waking you up saying is everything alright and the drunks singing all night.

I answered most of the questions in the presence of the duty solicitor,but they kept asking personal questions about how and my ex wife made love which i choose not to answer as it was personnel.

Of all the charges i admited one of assault that was against my wife and lover when i found them in the changing rooms together,a slight loss of control on my behalf,but again put down to a constant lack of trust.I collected the boys from the club and went home.
Like i said we talked about it and at xmas we laughed about the episode.Little did i know she was making a log agaist me!

Thanks so far for you support //Sonic

PS I live in West Sussex,Worthing area

[Faith]

Did you duty solicitor advise you to say 'no comment' to those questions.
Be aware that it is generally advised that if you are going for an open, frank interview then you should try and answer everything otherwise it could be arguing that you were avoiding those questions to hide something.
They are not easy questions to answer, granted. Questions about sex life can be lose/lose, which is when no comment is preferable.

E.g Do you and your wife have a lot of sex?

No= So you felt you needed to TAKE sex by force
Yes= You're sex mad and never have enough.

That is why having a solicitor is so important. If you had taken this route without one, a big deal could have been made. Now when the question comes 'Why did you refrain from answering this question' your reply would be that it was on legal advice.

When you say you answered most of the questions in front of the duty solicitor, what do you mean with the word most. Which questions were answered without one?

[Sonic757]

Hi
Duty solicitor advised to answer questions as saying no comment would show that i might be hiding something.

When asked by the Police how did you instigate sex was it you or your wife,what was your sex life like to which the duty solicitor answerd NORMAL.

All the time i refutey denied having raped my wife,police didnt have any dates just a month,why did she not report rape to the police there and then ?

I told them we where happily married and that i loved my wife,but for the life of me can i remember every date that we had sex..

I think the police are designed to trip you up..

[Faith]

Sounds like you did the right things then.
Yes, the police are there solely to gather enough evidence for conviction. It is their aim to trip you up, guilty or not.

[lawlessone2009]

Sounds either as if the Police were vague so that you would 'fill in' the blanks and possibly incriminate yourself or that the allegations are deliberately vague to give your wife scope for altering her version of events.

Admitting to the assault, in my view, was a sensible move. It happened and you've put your hands up to it.

The rest of the situation as you describe it is a complete mess. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news on this one. I am by no means indicating that there is guilt but you really are going to be facing the battle of your life, as previously stated.

Regards family solicitor. Use them for access to the kids by all means but do not for one minute consider using them for the rape allegations. Use a specialist rape solicitor. You need an absolute expert in the field to be in with a chance, the prosecution ONLY use specially trained experts now so you are going to need the equivalent.

I find it incredibly odd you were held for so long before questioning (it's definitely not rare though!). Were you at all aggressive or uncooperative with the Police upon arrest? How busy was the Police station? I generally find that interview follows arrest reasonably quickly unless you catch a shift change or are drunk etc. Was it the arresting officers that interviewed you or what it detective inspectors?

I am actually visualising a variety of officers involved now, just trying to figure out the series of events and your help would be appreciated.

Using the duty solicitor was very very sensible. I didn't and regret it even though nothings actually happened with me so far but the solicitor does limit how far the Police can probe and the methods used for extracting answers. You made a good choice there.

You will no doubt be under enormous strain and stress. As mentioned visit the doctor and possibly get some Propananol (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Propranolol) or similar. I find that this is the least invasive drug on the market for more or less 'stress'. You may need more powerful drugs but I would start with asking for this as you don't want to be a long term pill popper and some of the relaxing drugs tend to be addictive in the extremes.

I see a battle ahead. Do not blame yourself in any manner! From your description you have a heartless wife that is only out to suit herself at YOUR expense. As mentioned, it seems as if you've just to 'disappear' now and the allegations against you will tend to make that clear. You're going to have to build up the will power and strength within yourself to break away from her completely whilst maintaining contact with the children.

From what I can gather from your description your wife WILL send CMEC (child support) after you to ensure she gets money, be prepared for this also but do NOT think that staying with her is a simpler method of dealing with the situation. It appears to me that she wants her cake and to eat it too. You have been getting used.

If it is as simple as this for me to read the situation then I am sure that the Police will have been able to build up a far more detailed version of events and this will hopefully bear fruit when it comes to making decisions later on and filling out their reports. The fingerprints/DNA/picture taking are simple formalities and although these seem daunting they mean very little as far as guilt is concerned. The prosecution service, of course, decide whether to proceed but they are fed the information from the Police. If you've been full and frank with the Police then hopefully all will be well.

At the moment you will be left in complete limbo without your kids/wife/hope/comforts. Just now is probably the hardest period in your entire life. It's good that you have a job starting shortly, this is one building block in the right direction (getting your life back on track) and I would throw yourself into it head on. Make sure you get 'you' time and also be aware that your body and mind will be undergoing a vicious assault and ultimate change. Look for signs of anger/stress and give yourself adequate time to relax before boiling point is reached.

You're going to have to simply grin and bear your present situation and realise that it is not the end. People have been through far worse and come out the other end smelling of roses and semi-content. Decide what you want and then go about getting it. It's a good time to realise what you value and what you don't.

Above all else this forum is here. Feel absolutely free to drop by and post questions/problems for all of the lovely people here to answer. You might not get a 'legal' answer but you will no doubt receive wisdom and some sympathetic responses which will help lift the strain or guide you towards a solution. At other times of course you will get a brutal straight forwards answer, again it's only for your benefit. Nobody here wants to see you suffer however shallow that may sound at present, given time you will realise that the people here are genuine and caring.

In the meantime have some . You need it after the hell you've been through. The worst has already happened, you're now in the driving seat to your future.

[Faith]

Police will often hold the 'suspect' for a lengthy amount of time to try and 'crack' them
The excuse could have simply been that a duty solicitor would take time to arrive

[lawlessone2009]

Oh, I understand the 'cracking' procedure.

It's generally met with 'no comment at this time due to a lack of sleep and proper time to consider my answer'...

They try every trick in the book but if you're innocent it's a pointless exercise. No doubt many have admitted to things, wrongly, simply to get the ordeal over with. One only needs to look at the state of the USA injustice system for clarity on this.

The knock every 15 mins and the 'you okay in there' has to be one of the biggest pains in the ass imaginable. You'd think they could simply kit out the cells with thermal imagining and sit on their asses and leave people in peace.......

[fighter]

lawlessone,

i recall my partner also waited for a few hours in that cold cell; immediately after he got cold and flu, must have been the shock and the cold temperature just blending in nicely to kick your body and mind!

[Sonic757]

Today i m feeling down as Sundays was a family day that i watched my sons play rugby.I know that my Ex is at the club with her lover(who is on

the commitee)watching my boys and laughing about what a good job they have done on me!

Answer to your question i think they held me longer as me and a mate had a couple of beers that afternoon watching the six nations.

What is cutting me up still was last Sunday i found my 7 year old barracading his bedroom door with his bed sobbing,i hugged him and asked him

what whas wrong he said im just sad i dont know why!
I phoned his mother who was at the rugby club with her lover,she said ill come back home,so i went out to give them space and on my return i

found out she had taken him back to the club.

Sorry but this is very raw and upsetting and im worried that the children will suffer as i did 80% of the child care even when i was working is

there anything i can do to make sure there cared for?

Your right this is a flight i didnt want but is one i got.

Upwards and onward!

[Faith]

Sonic, for you to be feeling so brave so early is a credit. The first weeks are undoubtedly the worst. You will never get your head around this totally, but it does get gradually easier to fight.

Many people choose this time to give up so I am very heartened to see that you are preparing to meet this fight head on. That is half the battle and it will stand you in a very good position.

There's a long road ahead, and you simply don't know what path things are going to take. There is little you can do until it gets to charge BUT there is some. Please don't just sit back and hope for the best.
With the motivation of your kids to fight for, I have no thoughts that you will do that

This is my advice:

-Get a decent solicitor BEFORE charge. You need to have someone in place as soon as so if it does happen the fight can start immediately. many will offer a free initial consultation. Someone here may be able to reccommend you a solicitor close to you.

-Put together a folder of any evidence, no matter how significant it is. If these are emails, Facebook/MSN messages etc, these should be screenshots, not copy/paste and should be printed. This folder is for you and your solicitor only, NOT the police.

-Do not take any action or make any statement or comment to the police on this without running it by your solicitor.

-Visit your GP

-Keep in touch with this forum. Familiarise yourself with the sticky threads but AVOID reading too many horror stories. It's pointless frightening yourself.

-Try and lead as normal a lifestyle as possible. That is notoriously difficult in the first few weeks, even moreso when there are children involved. But while you should be on the ball, you will not cope if you focus on this sh*t 24/7. Have some you time with hobbies and leisure.

-Find a trusted friend/family member (or a few) that you can confide in. You need a rock right now and as brilliant as the people on this forum are, you need someone in the 'real world'

-It's hard in your circumstances but avoid contact with your wife wherever possible. She can say whatever she wants at any time so be careful.

[fighter]

Faith, that is a good list of advise of doable things for Sonic.

Sonic, about Sundays, I can relate to you with that, Sundays are special days for family, it has always been a happy day for me. But I have found sunday to be the most depressing day of the week since this happened to us. I emphasize what Faith said, find somebody to talk to; you definitely need somebody to lean on for support; for company and to process things with you.

It is a long fight ahead; we are into this fight 14 months now... so reserve your energy as you would need an alert mind and stronger and more courageous you later on in the fight.

take care!!

[Sonic757]

Thanks for the advise guys,i have made them bullet points for this week as a focus for me