Husband who is innocent has been charged today..am freaking out...please advise!

[fighter]

Ok, work.. Do you trust your manager?? i have told my manager, in the beginning i didn't tell them anything, then i told them it was a close family member and then i told them the truth when he had been charged and jesus i could not have got through it without them, they have been amazing but i did trust my manager 100% and the only time i would suggest been that honest is if you do?? if you don't trust them, do you trust them enough to say its a distant relative as such, so they give you support and time off without questioning you ??

good advise joan about work. Absolutelygutted, I also told my line manager but made it very vague because of the nature of the allegation plus the fact I was so disgusted with it and wasnt ready to tell them yet that time. I think the line manager also appreciated it. Our work would definitely be affected; at the beginning prior to being charged work for me was an escape; but once my partner was charged I couldnt pretend anymore and that was when I told them.
But as Joan said it really depends on how much you trust them and that it wont be taken against you. It helps to have some understanding people around you at this time. It would prevent them putting a lot of pressure on you.

[Absolutely gutted]

I've checked them online before hubby called them - they are present on facebook and twitter and have dealt with sexual offences particularly allegations of rape in the past - they are called BIRDS SOLICITORS (Steven Bird runs the firm).

They keep up to date with cases they've won or are working on at the moment on the above mentioned social networks. Apparently Steve Bird is listed in band 1 or something (don't really know what that means) and two others from the firm in band 2 in the Chambers of Law...some form of award. So I hope they are good.

[Faith]

A good indicator is their past records. So if they have a good record of winning these kinds of cases, it sounds like they will be fine. Glad you have found a speciliast.
You should also get your own gut feeling about them. how confident do they make you feel and how interested do they seem? Are they going to be pro-active?

I'll do a bit of research on them while I have a bit of spare time but I'm sure you have probably done it yourself already. Better still, someone might come along who has had dealings with them

[Joan1978]

Thanks Faith, didn't know i couldnt pm new forum members!!!

If i help in a little way then thats all that matters, even the smallest of replies have given me support and help xx

[Faith]

Me too Joan. Just knowing that people out there understand and root for me is enough of a boost often.

[Absolutely gutted]

Like i do on every thread i write on, i will apologise as i have no useful information.. I have tried private messaging you but it wont let me for some reason..

I am going through very similar, ill be honest i haven't read all your emails throughly purely because its painful as its quite similar but i wanted to tell you how i had coped, may not help you at all but you never know!!

Ok, work.. Do you trust your manager?? i have told my manager, in the beginning i didn't tell them anything, then i told them it was a close family member and then i told them the truth when he had been charged and jesus i could not have got through it without them, they have been amazing but i did trust my manager 100% and the only time i would suggest been that honest is if you do?? if you don't trust them, do you trust them enough to say its a distant relative as such, so they give you support and time off without questioning you ??

Its amazing what a roller coaster you will be on, one minute i want to give him massive hugs and then i wont to hurt him (not psychically clearly haha you know what i mean!!) but what ever you feel you know he hasn't done it, he's a cheating rat but not an evil attacker ( i cant say that word as it knocks me sick!) its just unreal, i think i will wake up and it be over but it never is, but this forum has really been a life saver. my family and friends are amazing but no one understands exactly how it feels till you have been there and although i wish to god no one will feel like i do, its nice to know you aren't alone!!!

take care and sorry i probably wasn't much use xx

Joan, of course you're helpful, to me everyone who takes a minute to read and reply to what I have to say is helpful to me So thanks a lot for your reply!

I'm not so sure about telling my manager because I'm afraid of what he might think (due to the fact that my husband cheated on me) and how it could possibly affect our work relation...he's usually very understanding and I'm sure he would give me the occasional day off as a "holiday"...I'm actually sure that most of my colleagues woudl be understanding and would even try to help and give advice but the fact that he cheated on me and the effect it could have on any gossip or anything prevents me from telling anyone.
As to the roller coaster you mention, I already feel like I'm in the middle of it - today I probably snapped like 50 times at him and aplogized 2 mins later, my emotions are all over the place...I feel exactly the same, one minute I want to hug him and tell him everything will be fine and the next I am ready to shout at him and leave because of the absolute idiot he's been!!!

When he told me 3 months ago I was fine after a short while but now I just feel so disappointed in him sometimes and not sure if I can trust him again (in terms of cheating). I guess it's due to the fact that we as wifes/gf are dragged into this mess as well...
But I have no doubt of his innocence and will fight for him - I just hope I never come across his accuser...god help me!

[Absolutely gutted]

A good indicator is their past records. So if they have a good record of winning these kinds of cases, it sounds like they will be fine. Glad you have found a speciliast.
You should also get your own gut feeling about them. how confident do they make you feel and how interested do they seem? Are they going to be pro-active?

I'll do a bit of research on them while I have a bit of spare time but I'm sure you have probably done it yourself already. Better still, someone might come along who has had dealings with them

Thanks so much Faith!
Steven Bird seems to be an outstanding individual and the clerk told us he's supervising every case the firm takes on...so I think we should be fine, but you're right about the gut feeling - that's definitely what I usually go by. Will see how the first meeting next week goes and which solicitor out of his team is going to take our case.

[Casehardened]

I also am curious to hear what's on the recorded tapes that the police have given us to hand over to hubby's solicitor - I'm scared that hubby said something in a way that they could use against him...but we'll see.

It's well worth listening to these several times. Memory plays tricks especially when you're in a state of shock from the arrest etc. You might pick up clues from the way the questions are phrased.

I'm wondering why you've not already done this.....unless you belong to the ipod/mp3 generation and don't possess an audio cassette player...lol

[Absolutely gutted]

It's well worth listening to these several times. Memory plays tricks especially when you're in a state of shock from the arrest etc. You might pick up clues from the way the questions are phrased.

I'm wondering why you've not already done this.....unless you belong to the ipod/mp3 generation and don't possess an audio cassette player...lol

LOL...you got that one right casehardened...sadly we don't own a cassette player and funnily enough I wouldn't know anyone of our friends/family who owns one...I grew up with these until teenage years but now definitley belong to ipod/mp3 generation...we'll have to wait until next meeting with sol.

[Faith]

How long until your next meeting with solicitor. I do think it would be very helpful for you to listen to it at least once beforehand.
Can you have a poke around in charity shops/gumtree/ebay/car boot sales for a cheap casette player. One of the small, portable ones would be fine.

I wasn't aware tapes were still used to be honest. My interview was recorded onto a CD

[Absolutely gutted]

We have to wait for the application for legal aid to go through which shouldn't take longer than 2 days the clerk said, so Tuesday...Wednesday at the latest. Once that;s cleared a sol out of their team will be allocated to our case... so ideally we should be able to listen to it on Thursday.
Until then, I will have a look if I can find this mysterious thing called a "cassette player"...;-)

[Absolutely gutted]

good advise joan about work. Absolutelygutted, I also told my line manager but made it very vague because of the nature of the allegation plus the fact I was so disgusted with it and wasnt ready to tell them yet that time. I think the line manager also appreciated it. Our work would definitely be affected; at the beginning prior to being charged work for me was an escape; but once my partner was charged I couldnt pretend anymore and that was when I told them.
But as Joan said it really depends on how much you trust them and that it wont be taken against you. It helps to have some understanding people around you at this time. It would prevent them putting a lot of pressure on you.

fighter, how did they react when you told them the truth and did it affect your work relations?

I have a very good friend at work, we get along very well, and we can always tell if the other is having trouble.
She's already noticed that something's going on and asked me a couple of times but only asked if it's a private problem and she keeps her fingers crossed and it will work out (if only she knew what is actually going on)...she also offered to come to her whenever I felt ready to talk..she's so sweet and I trust her to not tell anyone else.

but she can tell that it's killing me and I told her that my hubby is in trouble and that it's serious but told her I don't wanna tell anyone fearing that they will judge him (she's only met him once briefly)....

the irony is that she might actually be able to help because her husband and his friends are from the same small town as the accuser (and around same age) and they might actually know her and her character or any weird things that she might have done in the past...but that's probably just me being in investigation mode and trying to grasp at anything that could be used against her in court.

I will have to mull over this once more...I would really like to have someone at work who could support me and knows why I'm more and more absent but as I said before, I'm scared of what she might think...we'll see.

[Faith]

Think your best bet will be a charity shop or boot sale...they're more expensive than I thought; just been looking for one on Ebay. Tried to dig mine out to send you but I think it must have been at my mum's.

Sorry about that. Maybe not worth it if you're likely to see solicitor on Thursday anyway.

[Joan1978]

I understand how you feel its so scary telling someone for the first time but i have found such comfort after telling them but just because i trust them (people i trust a 100million%)and from been on here i thank god for my friends and family and those i have met on here who know they have helped me, i really couldnt do it without them, as much as people say they understand no one does till they have been there and dealt with it in some way!!

It is brilliant you have no doubt he has attacked her, yes hes a cheating rat and you should punish him but no one elses buisness.. i know my partner is a cheating rat ( yes this is awful!) but i just know 100% he hastnt attacked the skank and i will clear his name and not let her destroy everything!!!!

chin up and keep smiling, you just dont know who is watching xxx

[fighter]

fighter, how did they react when you told them the truth and did it affect your work relations?

the irony is that she might actually be able to help because her husband and his friends are from the same small town as the accuser (and around same age) and they might actually know her and her character or any weird things that she might have done in the past...but that's probably just me being in investigation mode and trying to grasp at anything that could be used against her in court.
.

They were very understanding and supportive; in fact they left me off for one semester, especially as I have lighter load last semester; and now I am ready to go back they give me work I needed. No questions asked. They know it is personal and I was clear to them that I find it hard to talk about it then.

About the co-worker, it is something to think about really as she might be a helpful source of information and may in fact know the character and can give statements. Like today, my partner found out a co worker knows the accuser; all the time he didnt give a name! Sometimes a piece of vital information will be worth taking a risk. Knowing about the accuser is very important at it will help discredit her; maybe she is a serial accuser; previous false allegations are helpful to know.