Relationships

[lawlessone2009]

Will it ever be the same again?

No.

I'm accused of rape and I am changing. It's extremely scary. My thoughts race all over the place with little to no set patterns. Mood swings go from joy to complete rage at the drop of a hat. There are days where I literally want to cry my eyeballs out but know that if I start I simply won't stop.

I've be through the belief that maybe I suffered some kind of 'black out' and did commit the crime I am accused of. I've thought and thought and thought about every conceivable angle of attack and defence and run a thousand court cases through my mind. I know that I am not going to do well on the stand but equally I know that I did not commit 'oral rape'. It just isn't my 'thing'.

I have no escape from my partner for 'space'. I've tried explaining it to her but she just doesn't get it. I can't go anywhere as my bail stops me going to my parents which is the escape I've been using for years (1 night a week or every other week). I don't even have a date although apparently they have until November this year to put a trial in motion...

I can fully understand your partner needing space and I believe that in the long term giving him that space will help to prevent him rejecting you when it's all over. I'm really struggling with the resentment that is building in me every day that my partner doesn't give me space. I love her but I really can't talk with her just now. The accusation is breaking me, I know I won't be the same ever again and I haven't even been as far as a trial yet.

A guilty verdict from a jury and god only knows what happens. In some ways I feel that I would then get the 'space' that I crave so badly just now because I know if I don't go to jail my partner is only going to attempt to tighten her grip and restrict my life even more. I'm not saying I had a particularly free time before but I did treasure having the chance to miss her and my youngster if even for one night. I know jail changes that perspective but the alternatives to me just now are up and running away from my partner and youngster.

Space is paramount!

I wish dearly I had it right now... Instead I get a deadly and accusing silence. I can't even talk about the accusation with my partner as I genuinely believe that she doesn't believe it's going anywhere and so is not worth discussing. She also says I repeat myself too often... Hell, rape is a four letter word but it is one of the most damaging words in the English bloody dictionary! I'd rather get accused of murder.

[lifesnotfair]

Hello lawlessone2009. Your post is very frank and honest. Thank you for that. I think at times in the past few months I have been a little bit selfish. I have told him this. I've also admitted to him that at times I haven't fully appreciated just what he's going through.

I've read through the replies to my post several times and now I see things from both sides. My other half is probably better off because we don't live together. He has his space and I have mine.

I've decided not to press him about thinking about the case because I think that if he wants to talk to me about it, he will.

I sincerely hope that all goes well for you. I know it probably sounds a bit hollow, but I do truly mean it.

Thank you again for your honesty. x

[fighter]

yes that was a good and helpful posts from lawlessone; showing another perspective.

Your bf might also be protecting you as well as thinking it is his own problem :-) so hang in there :-)

[lifesnotfair]

Just as an addition lawlessone, your last comment about rape is so true. I think it is probably the worst thing a man can be accused of.

[lifesnotfair]

Oh Fighter! Trust me, I intend to hang in there! I spoke to him earlier tonight and I always feel better when I've heard his voice. I worry about him so xxx

[Saffron]

Brilliant brilliant responses here, thanks everyone.
It might be uncomfortable to read, but it's the absolute visceral truth from those of us who really know what it's like.
Thank you so much x

[Corkycat]

Stay Strong.

Hi Lifesnotfair,
I've just been reading your thread and all the posts from these fantastic people on here, and i have come to this opinion. The infrastructure of the man you fell in love with will always be there, the exterior has taken a massive battering though and therefor the whole thing is wobbling! The pressure and stress that your man (and yourself) is experiencing, is ridiculously extreme, he has changed, but only to preserve his sanity, and most importantly, this is temporary! He will be feeling so weak that he cannot even muster the strength to talk to you, let alone try to support you back. Just as an example of this, we have two brilliant Parsons Jack Russell Terriers, i have always absolutely adored them both terribly, but i couldn't even bring myself to look at them, talk to them...anything, i was just too 'numb' (perfect word to describe the feeling) to interact with them. I understand everyone handles things differently, but this was the only way i could handle our ordeal. My girlfriend just gave me the space i needed, but always told me that she loved me and that she believed in me. I promise you this...even though i couldn't physically bring myself to offer my girlfriend much in return for her faith and love, hugs, kisses, activites, at least in the early stages of the hellish ordeal, i was very much aware inside that i loved and cherished her deeply. I was always so grateful to her, but only on the inside, i couldn't show her from the outside, i didn't have the strength!

Luckily for us, the fight grew within me and the determination to not let my accuser (mother to my lovely children) ruin even another second of our lives, pushed me out of all that shadow. I would put my life on it that the fact is...he is completely the same man that loves you just as much (and most probably loads more besides) as he did before his/your ordeal began. But this is trauma and it won't start to heal until he gets the correct verdict, unfortunately. I don't want this to seem nonchalant, but you need to both try and get out and do loads of different things, activities like even horse riding, the Zoo, go to a Footy match, fly kites...anything. Sorry if that seems a little silly, but i can tell you that it worked for me, I couldn't completely escape the dread and fear of it all, but all different stuff like this certainly put some distance between us and the wretched thing!

I apologise if this is not helping, but i can only offer advice from our experience of it. I wish you both all the best, try to draw strength and courage from something, and then get stronger and stronger with it, you are going to have to, but you will do, trust me.

Love and best wishes,
Corkycat

[felix]

"Dread and fear" sum up well the terrible undertone of the accused's existence. This is not to underestimate the girls' huge support, but until you are actually facing potential charge, trial and jail can you "get" it. Any more than a bloke can really get the days before the first child is born or what it feels like to give birth - however wonderful a birth partner he may be..... give him space and love him lots....

[barney]

Really sorry to hear your plight, for me it's like part of myself has closed down, my GP described this as normal as when your body goes into shock, it ensures the esentials keep going but non essentials get put on the back burner. He may also be preparing you for the worst because no matter how much he knows the truth the fear that this will never be found makes him want to protect you from any more hurt, so he may be distancing himself because he loves you so much.
Trust me when I tell you this, he knows you are there and knows you support him and when this becomes a bad memory you will get him back and maybe a bit more.

God Bless.

[lifesnotfair]

Ahhhh, Barney, Felix and Corkeycat, thank you! I have to say I'm feeling much better about things since I first posted the thread on here. I think I understand him more now. As a result, our conversations have been more upbeat over the past couple of day because when I speak to him I try to stay cheerful and demand nothing from him. Over the past few months, I think I've taken things far too personally.

Getting out and about together is difficult for us both, because we are both so skint. I'm living a hand to mouth existence at the moment and he is not much better off, if at all. However, I am going to seem him and spend the night tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him.

I hope I will always keep the comments everyone has made in mind over the next few months.

Thank you again, you wonderful people xx

[fighter]

lifesnotfair, nice to hear you are feeling much better.
No need to spend a lot of money, we are tightening our belt also. simple things can be done; just a lot of hugging; watching tv cuddled up and cooking dinner together and eating would be enough for now or even taking a walk.

[lawlessone2009]

Corkycat; I really am hoping what you're writing is true... I'm not yet anywhere near that stage but I really really look forward to it one day being mine regardless of what happens in the interim. Thanks.

I was maybe a little OTT with the 'space' thing as your situation is a little different from my own, lifesnotfair. I have no escape or time actually on my own, hell I can be in a different room but I don't have the complete 'on my own'. Even a night would do me!!!

I do agree with the mentioning of keeping busy. Even a walk in the countryside is enough to shift the mind.

It's hard to explain but ANYTHING can throw the mind back to the 'allegation'. The news on TV is particularly bad as are newspapers (amazing the neuro-linguistic type stuff that's EVERYWHERE to ensure compliance or alternatively, misery).

Getting away from people is also handy, I find. General conversation throws up words which cause the mind to start rehashing over the 'allegation'.

There is no simple answer as I suppose it varies with the allegation, closeness of trial, doubts in the mind about the fairness of law and numerous other things which will be having a direct impact on the mind.

Guilt would be easy to deal with! You'd KNOW you were guilty and then hope for a flaw/piece of missing evidence/something else which may get you off. You'd also be aware that going to prison was a consequence of your actions. Having a clear and clean mind is unleashing complete destruction and mayhem with untold effects.

I can't even begin to image how I have changed. My mother gives me information but I just blow it off as untrue or over-concern (that a word?).

You of course will be only too aware of the changes but also powerless to do anything about it except hold your partners hand and be there for him. Thoughtful actions and reassurance about him as a person could well help. I'm just lost beyond this point as I really don't know what you can do at the moment as I have absolutely no idea what is happening to myself and the consequences it's having on others...

Corkycat is clearly the more knowledgeable one for guidance on what works in the longer term.

[largactyl1]

Hi there,

Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone who is thinking so deeply about his needs.

Thing is, he probably doesn't know himself what his needs actually are - his brain is probably full of conflicting thoughts and trying to push the reality of his situation down until it feels like a pressure cooker. The worry he must feel about his daughter and what might happen if everything goes badly must be awful. The stigma, possible seperation, who will care for her etc.

And of course you have needs too and it's good that you have friends to talk to, and they are right to be protective of you while you try and deal with this alien and unreal situation. However, for an impartial ear, the Samaritans are excellent - they won't give advice, but neither will they judge. You can let off steam without the need to defend him as you probably have to with your good friends.

Remember also that sometimes (like we all do) he's going to do regular selfish boyfriend errors - which while you don't want to burden him by pointing them out, your feelings are entirely valid.

Instead of writing a letter, why not just send him a card, or write on a post-it note that you love him. Just simply that. Nothing complicated, but reassurance and I guess a little reminder that you are there too and are more important than his False Accuser. Just an idea.

Very best wishes
Jen

[lifesnotfair]

Wow, more replies! I never realised I would receive so much support. It is truly heart warming. I take on board everything that everyone says.

This morning I sat and wrote him a letter. I've re-read it to myself many times. I'm not even sure if I'll send it but it was kind of cleansing to write my thoughts down and say what I wanted to say.

Thank you again x

[Faith]

lifesnotfair: There is nothing more cleansing than writing down your deepest thoughts, I agree. I've spent many a time writing down my deepest and darkest thoughts and often just destroyed them afterwards. There is no harm in not sharing them, even if the words are intended for someone else.
I once wrote to my accuser and of course didn't send it. But it did help to get some feelings off of my chest. I discovered some thoughts that I didn't even know were there and I daresay that you did as well.

I would think carefully about whether to actually give this letter. Will it put added pressure or guilt on your OH. he is going through a lot and the added burden of feeling he has to constantly reassure may add to his already full plate. it all depends how it is worded.

He is a lucky man to have someone so caring on his side and thinking of him. I couldn't be getting through this without my OH but sometimes I do push her away without meaning to. She always comes back though and always understands. She has been my rock...and part of that is due to the fact she knows when I need space...and knows when I need her support.

It's just as hard for you as the person being accused. So take care of yourself.