Relationships

[lifesnotfair]

Hello there. I know that this forum may not be the place to discuss such things, but I've searched online for anything that can help/reassure me but can find nothing. I would be so grateful for some reassurance/advice. The issue is this. My b/f (we don't live together) was charged with rape in April last year after being accused at the end of January. As the court date looms he is becoming more and more distant. He's not the man he used to be. I'm not saying that I'm surprised by this but I really don't know how to cope with it. I'm trying so hard to give him the space he needs whilst still trying to show that I love him and giving a lot and expecting nothing much for myself. I wonder, if he is cleared of these charges, will I get back the man I once knew? Where will be end up if the worst happens?

Thank you x

[RFLH]

I don't think anyone can answer that question. Without doubt going inside does change a person - whether to the good or bad its a case of you'll have to wait and see.

In my case it slowly destroyed my marriage, it limped along for a few years afterwards and the problems that were always there came to the fore. Pity he didn't tell me about it until it all hit the fan, but that was just my experience.

I know others will be along to give you their point of view later.

[billykickass]

I agree you sound as if you are doing everything you can to support him, and for this you deserve a medal, all i would say is try and keep it up. I like to believe that love will shine through and pick you both up again. Maybe have a dirty weekend away together before the trial and make a rule that it is not to be mentioned for that weekend. Might remind you of how it should be.

Keep strong

[Rights Fighter]

Possibly he is preparing himself (and you) for the worst so the "split" won't be too difficult if he is convicted......it's not unusual.

[LS]

Having been there and "come out the other side" I can only say from my experience the trial puts the most stress they'll ever face on a person.

Behaviour goes from the most bizarre to the most extreme. In my own case the littlest things would be overwhelming, such as feeling an abject failure from not being able to give money to a beggar, to wearing clothes I normally wouldn't be seen dead in.

My relationship was unimportant, and had she been a nicer person I perhaps might have missed her when the crunch came; that's not to say this happens to everyone. You need to work on the relationship and make sure it's something he would regret losing. He may not appreciate it right now, but later he will.

[Saffron]

This affects everyone differently. My relationship with R was very strong in the run up to the trial, but when he came out of prison he was hell to live with. He had lost all sense of worth, was furiously angry all the time, self-harmed and flew in rages at the drop of a hat. He smashed up the house and said spiteful, horrible things to me. I was working full time, so all financial responsibilities were on my shoulders. I wrote his CV, found him temporary work in a warehouse; gave him money to buy things for himself; in short I did everything I could to support him emotionally and financially but he would still tell me that his life was sh1t. I found this incredibly hurtful. I was on the verge of leaving him so many times.

It only really changed when he got a permanent job. He still has dark days when the past haunts him, as do I.

We have both changed a huge amount and our lives will never be the same again. But ultimately all the hardship and hurt has made us stronger.

[fighter]

lifesnotfair, my partner is also charged of rape and he had changed slightly. But we have also become stronger. He needed time for himself, so I just let him be and if he needs me Im there. We live together and I guess it helped us.

We wont be able to say if your BF will come back to his old self; maybe not, but he could also appreciate you more and let you to come closer again after this. I think when somebody encounter this situation they do change and it depends on the individual if he comes out fighting or comes out feeling like the world is against him now

I dont know how long you are together or how serious you are with each other together. Does he expects you to be with him even if the worst happen? Do you want to stay with him if he isn't cleared? Maybe a good talk is what you need if you can manage.

My partner has told me he wont tie me down to me and I can move on with my life if I want to. I told him I will wait for him. So what did he say to you when things go wrong?

[lifesnotfair]

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support and advice. I can definitely see a pattern here. We have been together for just over two and a half years. He used to be the most optimistic, happy go lucky person I'd ever met. He was loving and giving. He used to ring me as soon as he woke up and we always talked several times on the phone during the day but a few months ago that changed. I still sometimes see the old him, but it's very rare. He knows that I still want to be here for him should the worst happen and I've told him I will wait for him.

He is single dad to a 14 year old daughter and they are very close. He is extremely protective of her at the moment and no one else seems to matter. I can understand that he is worried about the effect it will have on her. I've tried telling him how I feel but he gets very defensive and we've had a couple of rows, something unheard of up until a few months ago. I think the best thing to do is not to appear needy, to put my own needs on the back burner for a while. It's hard though as you all know only too well. This is a man I love very, very much and I hope that I'll spend the rest of my life with him, if that's what he wants. I am prepared though to 'hold on' unless he should ever say it's over.

Sad, horrible times but thank you again. x

[fighter]

lifesnotfair, you made me cry! Your bf is very lucky you are standing by him and willing to wait for him. Yes, just give him time and space. I do see now why he might be like that, for him he would protect his daughter as much as he can and maybe also spending time as much as he can with her in case things go wrong.

Yes please try to be strong and shrug your shoulders when you are feeling needy. We do get needy; there are times my partner is just in his computer at nights doing his projects, and all I want is just for him to sit beside me, cuddle up and watch tv with me. Not much no! but he need to escape from it. We do talk too much about the case; everyday, so he needs that. I always remind myself, if it is hard for me; how much more for him.

Just keep holding on and supporting him.

[lifesnotfair]

Thank you Fighter. Didn't mean to make you cry!!!!! The thing is, I've tried talking to my friends and they are very protective of me because obviously they've known me longer than they've known him. Plus, I've got my own stresses too; money worries, acrimonious divorce, which doesn't help. So, they say I should take care of myself. What they don't see though is that our situation is different.

He mostly refuses to talk about the case. I have to be very careful how I tread on that one and wait for him to bring it up. He's convinced he's going down but on the other hand, I don't think he's every really sat down and thought about the 'practicalities' if he does. I just hope he realises that I love him and would do anything for him if he only asked. At times like this I think actions speak louder than words. x

[fighter]

It's okay lifesnotfair, I am in one of my crying days again as it seems, but also I saw myself saying that to my partner to.. exactly the same as you said and I can feel the hurt you are feeling :-)

Yes, friends would definitely protect you. One of the most painful question I was asked is: are you sure you are going to stick with him through all this. So after I get that reaction, I stopped telling people who cannot accept my decision.

You are right about carefully treading, and waiting for him. It is not hard when all you want to do is jumped on them, shake them and make them talk :-) Maybe you should tell/ask him, if you can do anything to help him? It is like walking on wire...

If he cannot talk, can you write him a letter to say what you feel :-) like laying all your cards on the table. Try to look back on how you settle issues between you; it will help you reach out to him.

[Saffron]

Ha! I was asked that question several times by several different people. My answer was always the same: Because I believe him and because I love him.
Hang in there friends

[lifesnotfair]

Crying days - oh yes I have plenty of them and nights too!! The feeling of total helplessness is sometimes overwhelming. It's so hard to watch someone you love suffering so much and not be able to do anything about it.

I've thought about writing a letter, but again I would have to pick the right time to give it to him and if it didn't achieve anything, I think I'd feel even worse than I do now.

So, I think I will keep quiet for now and keep smiling :-)

Mucho love to you all xx

[lifesnotfair]

P.S. You have no idea how much all your comments have reassured me. Even if some of them aren't exactly what I want to hear, I appreciate the honesty. You don't know what it means to hear from people who have been through/are going through the same thing. x

[fighter]

I've thought about writing a letter, but again I would have to pick the right time to give it to him and if it didn't achieve anything, I think I'd feel even worse than I do now.

So, I think I will keep quiet for now and keep smiling :-)

Mucho love to you all xx

yes, the writing is risky too, can be misinterpreted..yikes! :_0