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Lifesnotfair, yes I agree with Faith no need to send it :-) The writing has served already a good purpose. Maybe you can keep it and afterwards you can show it to him. :-)
Hello everyone. No I didn't send the letter. I agree, the writing itself served an excellent purpose. We spent the night together last night with cuddles in bed this morning. We had a little chat about 'the case' without anyone getting over emotional. I think we both believe we have something worth fighting for. Personally, I want to get it over with. I know you'll all relate to that!
Thats a good step cuddles and talking.. yes, i also want this to be over. I am too scared for the trial to come but definitely it will keep it hanging over our head.
Sounds like you handled things perfectly!
I'll tell you this; when you need it in times like this, there's nothing quite so comforting as cuddling up with someone special.
He'd have felt safe and care for.
To repeat, be there for him exactly as you are do, talk about the case only when necessary (and it will be necessary sometimes) and allow him space.
You're doing brilliantly. This whole thing will make you both stronger, even though it feels awful right now, you will take some good out of it
Hello everyone. I'm sorry but I'm back again. I'm having a bad day today. I don't know if this feeling will last but today I feel like giving in and letting him go. I just don't know what to feel any more. I know I said that I could carry on giving and giving and taking nothing, but the fact of the matter is, it's destroying me. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't feel loved or attractive any more. I just want to cry all day today.
lifesnotfair, I can relate to how you feel. I did have my bad days few days ago and giving up is easier option indeed. However, because we love our man we wont give up in the end. I did became miserable and I cried hard on his shoulders but I regretted it after I saw how it made him miserable. He told me I shouldnt cry because it is not helping us. It is so unfair, I want to shout I want to be weak this time. After the crying, I feel much better.
These are days that have to be there; I cannot make him understand it. But I did see his point; he wanted to be strong and the only thing that cracks him is when I cry We do have to be selfish sometimes; but I guess we have to do it without them helping us. They have enough on their plate as it is. I was feeling unloved then; but I also see his love for me comes through when I could make him crack like that. He doesnt need to say it. I just have to believe in it. He is trying his best to come out the better man in all this crazyness. We cant change how they deal with things. I was told if I cannot handle it I am always free to go out; for somebody who needs support that is hard to say but it also shows love. I hope I make sense. :-) They are just hard to understand; hard to change in their ways; and we are weak, and sensitive and we need to be understood but in a way we have to be understanding of them! nyaahhh!!!
Hang in there.. get some time for yourself. do something you like, forget about him for awhile even for a day :-)
Thank you Fighter. You really seem to understand where I'm coming from. This is my second attempt at posting this reply. My internet disconnected. Grrr
I would love to do something for myself but my money situation is so desperate at the moment that I can't which means I have far too much time to think.
Anyway, we managed to have a bit of a 'heart to heart' the other night. He seemed open to talk about his situation and I managed tell him some of the things that have been on my mind. He said he doesn't mean to be the way he is and of course I believe him. But still all he could talk about was his daughter. I know she's his number one priority but my heart sank. I just don't feel that I'm the woman he wants or needs any more and at the end of the day I have a life to live. Before he was accused we talked of marriage, moving in together and being together forever and of course I understand why we can't talk of those things any more because his future is so uncertain. But selfish as it may sound, I still need to know that he values our relationship.
So many of the little 'rituals' we used to enjoy have gone because he stopped them. Early morning phone calls (because if he didn't hear my voice before he went to work the day just wasn't the same), speaking on the phone 3-4 times a day and goodnight texts.
I don't know how long I can carry on like this. All he needs to do is to let me know he still needs and wants me.
I agree with Fighter. Take some time out for yourself. You don't have to spend any money - just have a long soak in a scented bath; file and paint your nails; put a face-pack on. Alternatively Supercuts will give you a complete hair makeover for as little as £13! (that's where I get my hair cut and they are great! They are a chain with branches all over the place, no appointment necessary and they do a fab job).
Could you meet up with some girlfriends for a night in with a soppy film and a bottle of wine? You sound like you could do with some non-judgemental company.
We all have bad days - don't be hard on yourself. Thinking of you
Thank you Saffron. I think you're right. Today I think I'm going to do some distancing myself, give myself some space. Ugh!! I knew it wouldn't be easy but damn!!!! I never thought it would be quite this hard.
he does, but he's solely concentrating on himself and trying to get through the day. Its hard to be the one looking on and it seems that you can never do or say the right thing.
It all boils down to him knowing that you're there for him.
But if you feel you can't be (no judgment here from anyone) tell him.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the world round .... and laughed and laughed and laughed ..
Being "the strong one" is devastatingly difficult. You feel as though you can't grumble because it's not you who has been accused of a horrific crime, even though it affects you on a visceral level.
When I look back, I tolerated some incredibly bad behaviour from R. He would self-harm and then tell me that I had driven him to it. He would get drunk and scream abuse at me, that he hated me, that this was all my fault....(I knew it wasn't, but it still hurt terribly)....he would veer wildly from being incredibly affectionate and needing me desperately to absolutely despising me. He was verbally abusive to both his and my parents, who were quite frankly bewildered at his behaviour - they had done nothing but support him. I was a hair's breadth away from leaving him....in fact on several occasions I wanted to change the locks so that he couldn't get in...but he was so volatile that I knew he would simply break a window to gain access, and then God knows what would have happened after that.
It was only at sentencing that he actually apologised to me. He gave me a letter he had written, and as we stood outside The Old Bailey his exact words were (I can remember them clearly) "I am so sorry for everything. I'm sorry you have had to deal with this and I'm sorry for all the shouting. This isn't me. Please wait for me. I need you. Please don't let H**** call anyone else "Daddy"."
Oh sorry. Bad memories. Didn't mean to hijack your thread, sorry.
lifesnotfair, i do understand the small rituals that means a lot; we lost some of it. We are hard on cash also brought on by this crazy situation; so we dont go out for drives on weekends and walks; or movie nights. We launch a project for himself and he spends more time on it than spending time with me. It does make one feel neglected huh! And same as you we talked of marriage, family, etc. but it gets dropped off the conversation also. I just know I want to be with him and he doesnt deserve this and I feel it is so cruel to leave him at this point too. when you are down, try to think of happy memories, of how good he is as a person and you and him as a couple.
Saffron, I am so sorry to hear how it was for you. I dont think I can be as strong as you!! :-)
Saffron, please don't feel like you hijacked my thread, you certainly didn't do anything of the sort. I just confirms that what I'm feeling is what many others in our situation have been/are going through.
I just feel that we don't have a relationship any more. As it is we only see each other once a week if we're lucky. I was supposed to see him last night but he said he wasn't well (I was a little suspicious of that). I put a post of facebook today saying that I needed some time away. Next thing I get a text of him saying 'does that mean me'. To be honest I wanted to say yes it does, but I didn't. Today I just feel as if I can't breathe for everything that's going on the moment. I've got my own stuff to deal with (severe money problems, facing eviction). I just can't be doing with it today!!!!!
you can't spend 24/7 worrying about someone else - put yourself first. It sounds as if you have more than enough on your plate at the moment without anbything else heaped on.
Take some breathing space and then see what you want to do. Do what's right for YOU.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the world round .... and laughed and laughed and laughed ..
cuddles and talking.. yes, i also want this to be over. I am too scared for the trial to come but definitely it will keep it hanging over our head.
We do have to be selfish sometimes; but I guess we have to do it without them helping us. They have enough on their plate as it is. I was feeling unloved then; but I also see his love for me comes through when I could make him crack like that. He doesnt need to say it. I just have to believe in it. He is trying his best to come out the better man in all this crazyness. We cant change how they deal with things. I was told if I cannot handle it I am always free to go out; for somebody who needs support that is hard to say but it also shows love. I hope I make sense. :-) They are just hard to understand; hard to change in their ways; and we are weak, and sensitive and we need to be understood but in a way we have to be understanding of them! nyaahhh!!! 
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