Boyfriend Accused - Please help

[sadface]

I'm not entirely sure if I'm in the right place for this as his case is not so clear cut, but at the end of August my boyfriend was accused of raping my (older) cousin. The only thing is though that it's not 100% clear cut that he definitely didn't do it as he was so drunk on the night in question that he can only remember the odd thing - but the stuff he can remember (like her asking him to stay when he wanted to walk to my place (in the next village) and her asking him for a hug him as he left her flat later on) implies that nothing of the sort happened.

What's more, it's simply not him: he's incredibly respectful of women and has had the opportunity to take advantage of drunk vulnerable women in the past (including me when we were friends) but never has done anything untoward. Indeed, when his gorgeous flatmate (though they don't live together now) walked into his room naked once when she was drunk, he gently shepperded her back to her room and told her to go to sleep. So even though he can't remember that night, I genuinely believe he did not do it (even the few close friends we've told laughed in disbelief when they heard what he's been accused of, as he's nothing like that).

Anyway, this apparently happened on the 21st August and he was arrested on the 26th and is on bail til 21st October. At first I misinterpreted what my cousin meant when she called me on 25th to tell me and so until I saw his bail sheet I thought that he'd just made a drunken lunge for her (i.e. tried to kiss her and possibly grope her) which, while is a bit rubbish of him, I could believe and forgive. But the weird thing was she kept facebooking me to ask was it true he and I were having problems (it was but they were getting better), was it true I was going to leave him when I started uni in October (it wasn't but he'd got it into his head that I was, apparently he poured his heart out to her about this over the course of the night) and stuff like that.

Since then aswell, she's been texting me randomly and sporadically to (apparently) see how I am. This culminated in her ringing me at least 5 times one day (a week and a half after the arrest) in quick succession. I ignored it because I was at the cinema, but in the end it got a bit annoying so I texted her to explain I was at the cinema and she texted back saying that the police will want to talk to me (which they did a week or so later) and she asked me if I was with my bf. I replied that I wasn't and was just watching a horror with an old school friend (which was the truth) and she replied with "Sounds decent... im proprr struggling with being raped x" which seemed very odd and blasé to me (later that day, her brother (who I'm very close to) told me that she'd been throwing it around in arguments as well (e.g. "I think I'm allowed to have a drink since I've been raped!" that sort of thing.) which again seems odd to me.

Anyway, she rang again later but withheld her number so I'd pick up (again, odd) and then went on about supposed evidence mounting up against my bf (DNA on a shirt at her place and bruises on her thighs (tho even if these are genuine marks, I've had them from sex with him before, always consensual (sorry if that's TMI!)). She also said that she'd tried to drop the charges (for my sake, apparently) but the police had told her there's enough evidence to proceed without her. She also said that the police said that he's looking at 8 years, which is terrifying (I haven't told him that bit, he's barely coping as it is).

The whole thing scares the hell out of me; before this I was a slutwalking feminist (and for the genuine survivors' side I still am) and I don't want to believe someone would lie about this, but even her mum said to me (when I asked if she was mad at me for sticking by my bf) that she was "keeping an open mind about the whole thing" which surely doesn't bode well on the accusers part if her own mum would say that? Plus she has a lot of weird stuff going on at the moment:

• She's an alcoholic who has lost her 2 kids over her alcohol abuse (in my experience (I have an alcoholic mum and my dad and aunt are recovered alcoholics) alcoholics tend to lie a lot, even about stuff not to do with their addiction. Sorry if that's a generalisation, but apparently she's similar (her mum recently used the expression "another one of her lies").
• When she'd made the accusation she was a few days from being evicted from her flat (and she'd also implied on facebook that her landlord gave her the option of sleeping with him to stay in the flat)
• This is the most she's spoken to me in years where she's not asking me for money
• Her brother told me that (while he was living away) she told him their mum was overtaking her pain medication - when he came home it turned out that the accuser had been taking them instead

And what's more, some of her story doesn't seem to add up: he apparently smashed a bottle (he's not aggressive in that manner, he only ever defends himself, even when he's had a drink), he apparently tried to rape her orally (TMI alert: he's not a massive fan of oral sex; he'd never even had it before he met me and while he likes it he's not exactly fussed about it), he apparently bit her lip and she apparently had a bad swelling on her lip when she reported it (but this was a fair few days after the assault, so surely it would have gone down?), she apparently managed to fight him off with one kick (but 1. he's a boxer, and a damn good one at that, so why would a kick off a very weak girl bother him when he's taken kneecaps to the eye before and still fought on, and 2. the nurse couldn't find a single mark on his legs (and even she said he didn't seem the type to do anything like this)).

But here's the kicker: physical evidence aside, things apparently look dodgy for my boyfriend because his sol advised him to respond "no comment" because him not being able to remember much of the night was not a good defence (though I'm worried now as if it goes to court then he apparently has to say "no comment" there as well, which probably won't look good to a jury). Also he has a previous record for assault - but that was defending his female friend after her boyfriend hit her; but still, assault doesn't sound great...

This is so awful, he's had a difficult life and he was finally getting his life where he wanted it: he had his own home (rented, but to himself nonetheless), he was starting his own business, following a lifelong dream, everything was going well. And now this.

We're petrified and could really use some words of advice; but if this is not appropriate for this forum due to the ambiguity of his absolute innocence then I sincerely apologise for wasting your time. And sorry as well for the length of the post; I've been keeping much of it in (the only ppl I talk to about it are my best friends who have gone off to uni at opposite ends of the UK, and me and my bf try to avoid the subject as we get upset) so this has been quite cathartic if nothing else!

Thanks for your time
x

[LS]

Firstly, welcome Sadface, and don't worry - your post was in the right place, so no apologies or anything needed and most of us can take the TMI!

Much of this is the same pattern many face; a lot of inconsistencies and "conveniences" in the accuser's allegation. It's a sad fact that compensation is often the lure for people to make these accusations and they know it's a politically correct time to do so, especially since the government is always trying to increase rape convictions.

Don't worry about your bf's sol advising him to go no comment - there are advantages and disadvantages to this. The main advantage is that if you don't give the police any concrete facts, they cannot twist them around against you, or convince your accuser to change their version to match your genuine one.
Regarding having to say no comment in court, the whole purpose of the court is to prove a case. It's not for you to have to prove your innocence. That's how it's supposed to work.
Thus there is no need to stand in the dock and go no comment to every question. There's no obligation to even stand in the dock and say anything.
But this is a long long way off and may not even be relevant, as bf hasn't been charged.

What you need to do right now is gather as much evidence as you can about this individual's behaviour and actions, both in the past and also right now. Messages and emails, and screenshots from Facebook etc of any dealings you and he have had with her need to be kept and stored somewhere safe and ideally given to his sol.
Store evidence you've gather safely and preferably away from his/your home, as the police can and will seize anything which could help their case or harm yours.
This means computers, laptops, mobile phones, digital cameras and all media like memory sticks SD Cards, iPhones, etc etc. It would be disaster if you save everything on your pc, only for plod to seize it later. Save all you get onto CD or memory stick and get it to the sol.

Be prepared for a long wait, because it's very common for this to take around 9 months for police to either drop the case or charge. Don't think this will be settled in a couple of weeks, it rarely is that fast.
What you mustn't do is let this take over your lives. Be aware of it, gather evidence, discuss it, but not to the exclusion of everything else.

And keep coming back because you're not alone, many have gone through/are going through the same, and many can give more specific help and advice.

regards
LS

[RFLH]

Hi Sadface and welcome to the forum. LS seems to have covered all the bases - but please ask if anything else occurs to you, you just want to vent or just need a chat. There's usually someone around.

[Casehardened]

Hello Sadface,

LS has given you some excellent practical advice so I will just add a few inconsequential comments based on what you have written down.

Quite obviously, as your cousin is a mature woman, any consensual sex between her and your boyfriend, while being somewhat annoying for you(!), is hardly a matter for the police and the courts, so the issue revolves around, if actual intercourse did take place, was it consensual at the time. The emergence of 'post-coital' sobriety and regret is well documented in this forum but rape cannot be retrospective, the 'victim' must indicate in some manner at the time that consent is not given.

From your account, as she reported the allegation almost immediately, DNA evidence from an internal examination should confirm whether intercourse actually took place or not.

If say, for the sake of argument, intercourse was proven to have taken place and, as you mentioned, your boyfriend is not the type of person to force himself on her, then a reason for the 'morning-after' accusation has to be established.

My immediate thought is that your cousin is jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend; presumably because of her various problems she doesn't have one of her own or secretly desires yours?

Possibly whatever actually happened between her and your boyfriend has been developed into a scenario where you will drop him through anger at his actions and he will then turn to her; she will 'forgive' him and withdraw the accusation.

These may be idle musings but on the other hand, if the matter should get to court, it is as well to have some sort of explanation to give to the jury members for her accusation.

[felix]

Hi, please keep strong and prepare for a long haul. Keep in mind police are your enemies not friends. Don't worry if sex did take place in any of its forms - this issue is did she consent and if she did not was it made clear at the time. Write down and keep safe every memory of the evening, events / communications since then, every possible motive she could have for lying and everything bad about her character or actions you can think of. Love your bf to bits. If behaved badly once cos of alcohol by having consensual sex with her he is now paying for it 1000 times over and needs your love..

[Rights Fighter]

When she'd made the accusation she was a few days from being evicted from her flat (and she'd also implied on facebook that her landlord gave her the option of sleeping with him to stay in the flat)This is the most she's spoken to me in years where she's not asking me for money

The landlord can be called by defence to rebut this.

She is short of money - a motive "compensation".

But here's the kicker: physical evidence aside, things apparently look dodgy for my boyfriend because his sol advised him to respond "no comment" because him not being able to remember much of the night was not a good defence (though I'm worried now as if it goes to court then he apparently has to say "no comment" there as well, which probably won't look good to a jury). Also he has a previous record for assault - but that was defending his female friend after her boyfriend hit her; but still, assault doesn't sound great...

Who told him that he would have to go "no comment" at trial? What utter tosh! A def cannot go "no comment" at trial in any event.

He can decline to give evidence which is rather different and that would be on the advice of a barrister who might be concerned that the def may not behave well in the witness box. It does not follow that a "no comment" interview is followed by a "no comment" response at trial.

If the solicitor gave proper legal advice that he should go "no comment" at interview and if a defence statement was submitted to the police at said interview then the judge cannot direct the jury that they may take an adverse inference.

[Saffron]

Hi Sadface and welcome.

I'm glad RF wrote "utter tosh" in response to the advice that he would have to say "no comment" at court - I was going to, but she summed it up perfectly! He can choose whether to take the stand or not, but if does give evidence he will be allowed/compelled to answer the questions honestly.

I can't add anything to the excellent advice given above, but wanted to say welcome.

[largactyl1]

Hi Sadface, welcome to the forum. It is a good place to vent as well as get good advice and support. All of us either have been, or are close to someone who has, falsely accused.

Something that always confuses me is that if 2 people are drunk, then surely either could be sexually inappropriate - not just the man??

Anyway, that just popped into my head. You have been given excellent info and don't worry about what you describe as TMI, we're adults here and examples are sometimes necessary?

Strength to you and your fella
Jen

PS - it's very odd that she is contacting you - trying to find out what is going on on "the other side". And bringing up about the "rape" all of the time, and using it for special treatment...odd.

[Rights Fighter]

Something that always confuses me is that if 2 people are drunk, then surely either could be sexually inappropriate - not just the man??


PS - it's very odd that she is contacting you - trying to find out what is going on on "the other side". And bringing up about the "rape" all of the time, and using it for special treatment...odd.

I recall back to my 20'2 nd 30's how "sexually inappropriate" I was! Mind you it didn't me getting my wicked way. I am sure I was not the only one waking up and thinking "who the hell are you??!!!!"

Maybe this accuser is trying to garner support and sympathy......

[Saffron]

I agree with Jen and RF. She is contacting you for any number of reasons, the most obvious of which as as follows:

1) she is trying to get you "on-side" and gain your sympathy - split you up from your man.
2) her attempts to contact you are so that she can find out how much you know about what is happening in terms of the case.

Resist all contact with her for the time being, but do keep records of when she has tried to contact you, what she said/wrote and the frequency/method of the communication.

Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and frequently makes us behave in a way we wouldn't if we were sober (and I know this through embarrassing experience!). However, as Jen said, behaving in an inappropriately sexual manner is not just limited to males. (again, I know this to my own embarrassment!)

And incidentally, excellent advice from Mr G. Please pass it to your Boyf.

[sadface]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support - I've passed the advice on to my boyfriend and we're planning to sit down and go over everything he can remember the next time we're together.

As for my cousin, I'm wondering if she and my bf slept together that night (consensually) and she's then accused him after realising that if he told me she might be shunned from the family for betraying me. Also I agree with Rights Fighter's theory about the compensation as she does always seem to be skint. And my bf points out as well that with this under her belt, she now has an excuse to drink (her mum banned her from drinking in her house and her custodial restrictions state she's not allowed to drink when she has the kids over) so really there's a lot of reasons that making this up would prove beneficial for her.

Thanks as well on the reassurances about the "no comment" stuff, I'm really glad that - if this goes to trial (touch wood that it doesn't get that far, though...) - it won't bode badly for him (which was something that had us worried). We're preparing for the long haul now - he's taking it as though nothing is happening (beyond the occasional chat about it all) and get on with his life as he would had she never made the accusation - and we've decided that when this is all done and dusted: be it NFA or acquittal (we're trying to stay positive!) that we'll go on his first ever holiday abroad

Thanks again for all your advice and support, it really means a lot

[sadface]

her attempts to contact you are so that she can find out how much you know about what is happening in terms of the case.

I think you're right on that one - when I spoke to her the day that she called to tell me the police wanted to talk to me she asked if she could call me that Friday night (as the cops were supposed to be contacting me on the Friday morning - although it ended up being over a week later than that) to see what I'd said to them. She also kept texting me every other day for almost a week afterwards, asking if they'd got in touch with me :/

She was also telling me about how one of our mutual friends was really happy with her for pressing charges and she said "I bet you're not, though - are you?" and was then asking me if I thought she and I would be ok (as friends) if this went to court. Again, odd.

She also mentioned to me that the police said it "looked bad" for them that my bf and I are still together despite her accusations - does that sound right?

I haven't really heard from her recently for a while - I think the last time was a few weekends back but it was pretty innocuous, her asking how I was then whining about how annoying house hunting is (last I heard she was living in hotels since being evicted - though I wonder how she's affording this on benefits - could it be that the police's victim support people are footing the bill? (I'm probably wrong but it's just a thought)). Though from now on I'm holding onto every text and making notes about any and every conversation...

[billykickass]

She sounds like a girl that has deep seated issues and your boyfriend is the one having to suffer for it. I cant offer any advice as i am in a similar situation but just to let you know that i wish you all the best and i really hope it gets NFAd. My girlfriend and i are also planning a long trip away to canada when this is all over and that helps our mental state a bit too. Good luck.

[Amre]

Just a few small points:
Make sure you pick up the withheld numbers and document them if its her. Recording them would help too. If you can, i think there's an app for that!

Careful about saying she is an alcoholic, its classed as a condition and this would make her a MORE vulnerable woman.

Do you mind telling me what age ur fella is? The ball park would do.

I'm Irish (lucky me) so Ive had some experience with drunk men! Bit delicate but, have you ever shagged him when he was drunk? We are talking the kind of drunk that gives giant gaps in peoples memory right? He doesn't remember it even happened so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say he was pissed-blind-drunk (medical term).
My husband wont thank me for this, but I know that for a large percentage of men, alcohol has an affect on "performance". This affect generally correlates with the amount of alcohol consumed. As one goes up, the other goes down!, sorry for being gross, but You cant rape anyone if you cant get a hardener.

On a completely unrelated topic, I adore your command of the English language, you have quite the vocabulary and its an pleasure to read.

[sadface]

Just a few small points:
Make sure you pick up the withheld numbers and document them if its her. Recording them would help too. If you can, i think there's an app for that!

Careful about saying she is an alcoholic, its classed as a condition and this would make her a MORE vulnerable woman.

Do you mind telling me what age ur fella is? The ball park would do.

I'm Irish (lucky me) so Ive had some experience with drunk men! Bit delicate but, have you ever shagged him when he was drunk? We are talking the kind of drunk that gives giant gaps in peoples memory right? He doesn't remember it even happened so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say he was pissed-blind-drunk (medical term)...

On a completely unrelated topic, I adore your command of the English language, you have quite the vocabulary and its an pleasure to read.

I only have a crummy old phone but I'll look into recording on it just in case (if nothing else, I might invest in a Dictaphone and put her on speaker-phone if she calls again!).

I suppose, I guess I was focusing more on the generalisation that alcoholics tend to lie about really awful things to get sympathy. Maybe I should avoid the alcoholic route and stick more to the "she's a foul liar, even her close family say so" route.
Indeed I got a facebook message from her brother last week asking me and a few other friends to delete her from FB and called her his "EX-sister", a liar, a waste of space, and accused her of trying to break up the family. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the case but considering that 1) her brother is the most tolerant family-orientated person I know and it takes a lot to anger him enough to do something like this, and 2) he's the second person in her immediate family to delete her from facebook whilst calling her a liar (or, in her mum's case "sick and twisted") then I do start to wonder whether these things at least leave a basis for assuming that she's capable of lying about something like this.

He's 26, while the accuser is 28.

I've slept with him when he was drunk but never gaps-in-memory drunk - so I don't know if booze would affect him in that way. As I said, it wouldn't shock me too much if consensual sex happened, but he simply would not rape someone.

Thank you, that's very kind