Advice for my son falsely accused of rape

[worriedstiffmum]

Today my son was arrested on suspision of rape. Completely out of the blue. He has been released on bail for 1 month. Despite him being innocent of this allegation he is devasted and now worried sick that he will go to jail, lose his job and that this will completely ruin his life. These are my worries too! He is only 19 and never been in trouble with the police, has a job and is an all round good lad! I know that is my bias opinion as his mother but I'm proud of my son and have always had compliments about him and I totally believe him to be innocent. The worries that we both have is that he did have sex with his accuser, twice in fact and unfortunately it took place outside 10 days ago. However, as far as he was concerned there was no doubting her consent. Apart from telling this brief story we both have questions that we hope others can help us with.
What is the score about his job: does he have to tell his manager what has happened or can he keep it to himself until/if he is charged?
Also, if he doesnt tell his manager and he finds out can he be dismissed at this stage of not being charged?
I will just add that his boss is not the friendliest of managers!
Does my son have the right to know what his accuser has said in her police interview which is due to take place tomorrow (9th June)
I hope you can advise. Thank you

[Bigsister]

Sorry to hear that. Poor lad.
He certainly doesn't have to mention it to his boss yet. He may end up geting.. No further action.
Eventually he will get to see her statement, but not sure when that is. He needs it to build his defence. I dont think it was all that quick in my brothers case, but he did get hold of it eventually.

[Rights Fighter]

It's unlikely that the lad will get the complainant's statement unless he is charged. Let's hope he never has to see it........

[edinguy]

In the same position!

Hi worriedstiffmum,

I know exactly how your son is feeling because I myself find myself in the exact same position, I after a night out drunkenly got in a taxi with a girl then walked with her past her house to a park where we had consensual sex. The next day (or early that morning) it was reported (not to my knowledge) and I went to the police station a few days later when I found out they were looking for me. I was let go after 6 hours of questions and handed in my clothes and got DNA swabs taken.

3 Months have passed since the report was sent to the fiscal and still not heard anything yet, my daily life is a living hell and only my girlfriend and family keep me from the dark thoughts that linger in my head. I too know how this has affected my mother who thinks the world of me much like you do for your son, keep being strong for him because he WILL need you.

I have a good job, never been in trouble or so much as a fight in my life! The first time I saw a police station was when this happened and I prey to god that I do not have to experience further misery like that. I have not told my workplace as I have not been charged but I will not lie it is a struggle to keep acting like my life is normal and I am the happy guy I was before all this.

I do not think you will get the details until/if charges are made against him, All I know is what was said in the interview (eg the reasons we were walking about at night ect).

Stay strong and know you and your son are not alone in this nightmare.

[worriedstiffmum]

Thanks

Thank for your advice edinguy, rights fighter and bigsister.
I must say that Im totally shocked at how many people are suffering or have suffered from false allegations of rape. The mental torment, anxiety and desperation that transpires from false allegations are similar to post traumatic stress and can, I imagine, bring on long term mental health problems, which I know a lot about as I work in mental health care.
Is it possible to bring a civil action against an accuser if they decide to drop their allegation?

[worriedstiffmum]

Specialist Lawyers In South Buckinghamshire

Rights Fighter I have seen on another thread that you have advised someone of a specialist solicitor in false allegations. Do you have details of one such solicitor in South Buckinghamshire who also offers legal aid please? Thank you!

[felix]

Hang in there. Until he is actually charged - and we all hope that will never happen - he won't get very much information about the girl's accusations - only what the investigating police officer chooses to ask him about or to reveal at interview. I was read part of the my accusers statement and asked to comment in detail on every point she made. The fact that it was a fanciful and lurid account and implied I was an amazing stud (I am well over 50! ) did cause some amusement. But sometimes they will tell the accused next to nothing.

In faxct you will likely feel starved of information - they will tell you next to nothing and you may hear nothing for weeks or even months on end. I had a gap of nearly 8weeks during which I heard nothing from the officer except that my police bail was extended....

This can and probably will go on for months so prepare for the long haul. More later if I can.

[quinnb]

Does he work with children or vulnerable adults if so then he would have to disclose. Otherwise its innocent until proven guilty. So advise him to keep quiet.

[Saffron]

Hi Worriedstiffmum

RF will reply when/if she can. She works for a solicitor who specialises in defending false allegations and is completely snowed under with cases and appeals at the moment. She also does a huge amount of unpaid work, visiting those in prison who have been falseley convicted, so she doesn't have a great deal of spare time.

What you are going through is incredibly frightening. Most of us here have been FAd, or are the loved ones of someone who has been FAd. We will do our best to support you.

With regard to his employment - as QuinnB said, unless your lad works with vulerable adults or kids, and unless the complainant is a colleague of your boy, there is absolutely no reason he should disclose it to his employers. However, be prepared that if the case does proceed to charge and trial, his boss could sack him for not telling him what was happening.

My advice (assuming he doesn't work with any vulnerable groups) is to keep schtum until/unless he is charged. At that point you will need to re-think whether he says anything to his boss.

You are right about the torment of being FAd. My husband was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after he was accused. We are now 7 years down the line and sometimes I still struggle to deal with it. I find myself skeptical of complainants, which is a real shame. Every time my husband calls to say he has been called into an unplanned "staff meeting" my heart lurches because I think that his boss has realised R has been convicted of a sex crime, and is going to sack him.

Don't get me wrong, we are far more fortunate than most. R has got a good job that he really enjoys, (he wasn't asked to "disclose" at interview) we have 2 beautiful kids and we live in a pleasant enough place. But I live my life under the shadow of this FA. I worry and worry and worry that one day his conviction will be exposed...that a schoolmate of our son will tell him that his Dad was in the paper for being sent to prison....that constant fear will never go away.

Sorry for getting maudlin! Stay strong and positive. Thinking of you.

[witsend]

thinking of you

hi worriedstiffmum
I know that this must be terrifying for your son and you but you really have come to the right place for advice and support. If you read other threads you will find many cases of parents in the same situation, or those of us whose sons have gone through this nightmare and somehow come out the other end. This process is going to take time, can't say how long as it varies so much. The only advice I can add to what other have said is you have to stay strong for your son. If you do find yourself struggling get your GP on board, mine was a god send. Hope your son is ok, keep a close eye on him as this is a very traumatic experience.

[kazzarat]

In the same boat

Hi, worried mum, i am in the same boat although a little further down the line.
My son was charged with this offence on the 16th may this year, the whole thing has been a nightmare for us all and is continuing on !
The alleged offence happened last year on July 10th so this has been going on for what seems like forever.
I have registered onto thios forum as i saw there are other people going through the same. I am not in a good place and havnt been since this started, however i have got my fighting mind on now and the girl that has falsely accused my son hopefully will be proved to be the liar that she is.
In my experience this is a long drawn out process with no thought given to the accused or their families, i am here to listen and be a supportive role and try to answer any questions you may have.
I needed to speak to other mothers that this has happened to but havent been able to find any support groups and boy do we need them !!

[the advocate]

Worriedstiffmum

If it gets to the stage where he feels that he has to tell his employer, I'd recommend making an appointment with the HR department, and to tell them in confidence. Unless it affects his ability to do the job in any way, they are obliged not to tell his manager, and he can simply say to all and sundry that he has personal issues to sort out.

I don't know where he works, but say it's a branch of Tesco's where there's no on site HR person. He should ask for the contact details of the HR person who deals with the branch, and speak to them.

All the best to you and your son!

[OldJoe]

I'm so sorry to hear your in this position

I think you should have a read through my story, and if you need to chat or anything just drop me a message.

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...ccused-of-Rape!

[mrsray]

In the same Boat. This seems to be an epidemic! I am sick about this whole thing, cant sleep, eat function nothing. I have never felt such pain ever

I am sick about this whole thing, cant sleep, eat function nothing. I have never felt such pain before in all of my life. I feel so helpless. I want to fix everything for him but cant. I was glad find this forum for support. Thank you all.

[kazzarat]

its so hard

Hi, im sorry to hear this it is every mums worst nightmare and i wish i could tell you it gets easier. How far along is your son.
We had our first chance to see her statement on Monday and i now feel a little bit more positive, it was my sons first court appearence at the magistrates court so we still have a long way to go.
Our soliciter is very good and has been very supportive to our family. I know what you mean when you say you want to fix everything because as a mum its our job isnt it but like my family keep telling me this one is out of my hands.
I have such mixed emotions and some days i feel like crying all day but i am trying so hard to be positive for him.
I am so pleased this forum excists as it makes you realise you are not a lepor and so many other people are going through the same thing, please keep in touch as this is helping me so much and i hope it can do the same for you.