If convicted, how do you explain to a young child where daddy is?

[noodles]

I am sorry to ask this and as hubby's trial fast approaches this is the one thing my mind cant answer, if unfortunately hubby is sentenced, what on earth do you tell a four year old who loves their daddy!? I know it's a longshot but any ideas or advice would be welcome as I like to be prepared for any eventuality.

[Saffron]

Hi Noodles

We told our son (he was 3 at the time) that his Daddy had got a job in a different country, so would be away for a while. We were fortunate that the sentence was only 12 months of which he served 6. If it had been longer I would have had to tell him the truth, I think.

There are other members here who have had to have that conversation with their kids, hopefully they will be along soon.

It might not come to that, stay strong xx

[noodles]

Thank you for your reply, it really is the one thing I cant get my head round, spesh when I read that Kermit got 10 years I even thought of telling her he worked in a prison, so if she had to visit she wouldn't kind of twig. Sounds so stupid I know. I didn't realise you could be accused and get a 12 month sentence, I always thought there was a minimum amount of years xx

[66dw99]

To be honest if it were me I would try to explain the truth, especially if it's a long sentence. Tell them a bad person made something up about their daddy and he has had to go away for a while. That way you don't have to change your story as the child gets older. You can also use it as an example of why lying is not a good thing.

[noodles]

That does sound like a really sensible idea for a long sentence and keeps in tone with our parenting tone of trying to be as honest as possible. I thing Im just feeling so stressed lately that I'm over thinking everything!

[Saffron]

Great advice from 66dw99.
To be honest, when R was first sent down, we were informed by our sol that he would be out on a tag in 3 months, so we decided to tell our lad that Daddy was away for his work. Obviously he wasn't let out on a tag after 12 weeks, but by then we knew he would be home after 6 months, so it was simpler and less painful to maintain the white lie.

It's hard to tell your children what has happened, but I think 66dw99's advice is excellent.

R only got 12 months because the forensic results proved that sex, consensual or otherwise had not actually taken place. The accuser then changed her mind and decided that she hadn't been raped, but that he had "digitally penetrated" her....so he ended up being convicted of indecent assault. Apparently the CPS were pushing for a 3-year sentence, especially as he had pleaded Not Guilty. I think the judge knew the jury had made the wrong decision, and therefore only gave a 12 month sentence. He also ordered that R did not have to sign the SOR, which is exceptionally unusual. So in a way, we were fortunate.

[Rights Fighter]

Great advice from 66dw99.
To be honest, when R was first sent down, we were informed by our sol that he would be out on a tag in 3 months, so we decided to tell our lad that Daddy was away for his work.

It really annoys me when solicitors and barristers give out bad advice like this - it seems to have occurred on another thread today as well.

I'll say something (that I have learned from experience) and then somebody else will come along and say "well my solicitor/barrister told me this, that and t'other so you are wrong......" Months down the line I've been proved right but by then the person who has believed their legal rep has gone and passed on this "legal advice" to others........

Somebody I am supporting who was convicted last October was told by his solicitor or barrister he would be out on HDC very soon - of course he's not!! Another was told after his wife died that he would be entitled to compassionate leave - another lie.

[Saffron]

Yes, it was a kick in the teeth. However he did get approved for home leave after 3 months....again, I believe this to be very rare.

He was allowed to come home for 3 days after he served the first 3 months. He had to be at home between the hours of 7am and 7pm and wasn't allowed to enter licensed premises (which seems odd, because he was allowed to have a drink at home, as long as he wasn't intoxicated when he went back to HMP Elmley) but at least he got to spend some time with our boy. This obviously supported our "Daddy is working abroad" thing.

[Rights Fighter]

Lord luvva-duck, you were lucky!!!!

[Saffron]

I know!!! What does that tell you....that they thought he was guilty of a terrible sexual assault, or that they knew that he didn't do it?! hmmm.....

[Saffron]

Sorry, slight amendment....he had to be at home between the hours of 7pm and 7am, not the other way around as I posted earlier.

[Kermit]

Hi Noodles

Its really hard to explain to any child, my daughter is old enough to cope with what has happened to her step dad ( kermit ) and was a defence witness but as for the other kids in our families some think uncle kermit works away and wont be back for a while and the ones that were old enough and would understand where told the truth as best as any of us could. Uncle kermit is in prison as someone told lies about him.
I pray you dont have to go through that conversation but in the case of the youngest a white lie is better than the pain we all feel and protecting the children is the most important.
Kermits Fiancee

[LS]

Sorry K's F
"Uncle Kermit" took me back 30 years to a certain other Kermit who was called Uncle Kermit by someone small:
kermit_robin.jpg



I digress, white lies are ok when they're young, and maybe massage honesty for the not so young.

[noodles]

Well we saw our barrister yesterday who although he seemed positive he did want to say that the minimum by hubby would get is 12-15 years so looks like it would be the truth. Mega stressed!!

[Rights Fighter]

Barristers, by law, have to offer advice their clients including the fact that if they plead guilty NOW then they would get a certain amount of "credit" for the guilty plea. Some defendants read this as being told to plead guilty when they are not.

The barrister will tell a defendant what he is likely to receive so that there is no nasty shock should a guilty verdict be found.

I know it is easy for me to say but try not to worry on that score - this advice is par for the course. The jury have to come to their verdict first. Do you have any idea when the jury go out to deliberate? Once that happens, you should prepare for the worst case scenario and pack the "nasty bag". LS will have listed what you need somewhere on here. If you can't find it I'll try to write out that list and post it up.

I really do feel for you.