Son falsely accused

[freeme]

Im not sure how far i'll get with this before i break down, im crying already, just being here on this site (sorry, that sounds awful but i think you understand my meaning) Three years ago my son was accused of rape. He was just 11. The circumstances were that he had been playing dares with a few friends and had jokingly dared another boy to do something. The boy didnt do it and they all carried on playing together for a few hours. The next day one of the other kids told his mum and she told the other boys mum who flipped and called the police.

And my whole world collapsed. He was arrested on suspicion of rape, he didnt even know what it meant The next few weeks were hell for us as word got out and he was bullied at school, had kids waiting outside for him. We had our door kicked in one night, my children were terrified. After a few months of this we were told that the rape charge would be dropped if he accepted a caution for ' inciting a minor to perform a sexual act' (this was for another dare that he gave for someone to run across the street and flash their bum)

Since this time, i am unable to move on. Every day i torture myself by replaying his arrest in my head, i can hear the words and they devastate me. I'll never forget social services interviewing my other children, and making me sign a declaration that i would not let him be alone with them. I blame myself for everything that happened, i tried to keep him a baby for as long as i could, he was absolutely clueless as to how a silly game could turn so serious. I had never spoke to him about sex, at 11 thought he was far too young to know. An example of just how innocent he was is when his solicitor asked him had he ever had an erection, to which he replied " no but ive had chicken pox"

I feel ive let him down so badly. And i continue to do so by not being able to move on, and not being able to be a good mum to my kids anymore ( i have 4). I dont eat, i hardly sleep, some days i cant go out the house. Im convinced people are still talking, although my partner insists theyre not. We see the other family every day, as we live in the same street. I live in fear every day, that it could all happen again so easily. Obviously hes a little more clued up now, and knows whats appropriate and whats not. But then again hes a 14 year old boy, just showing an interest in girls and the simplest things he says could be turned around.

I worry for example that if he said a girl was "fit" and she didnt like him, he would then be labelled a perv. Simple things like that scare me. Does that make sense? It causes a strain between us as im constantly on his back, when he talks to his friends on the pc i watch him, which doesnt go down well lol. A simple bit of banter between them and im having a go at him. I just have it in my head that, if he calls someone a name, they will retalliate with something to do with what happened and it'll be 'this weeks news' again.

I know i'll never be able to forget what happened, but i cant go on like this. I have no-one to talk to, i didnt even tell my family at the time' and ive cut myself off from all my friends, convinced that theyre talking behind my back. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids, they're my world, but im even making a balls up of that.

One good thing is that my son has coped really well. He still gets name called, on the odd occasion but he copes with it. I hope it stays this way.

[Saffron]

Oh Freeme, your post made me cry. My boy is 11, the same age as your son was when he was accused. All he is interested in is football, computer games and music. He has a crush on a schoolgirl friend of his, but that's as far as it goes! These accusations must have broken your heart.

First of all, please don't ever think that you are not a good mum, or that you let your boy down. You have done your absolute best, which is all anyone can ever do.

I would recommend that you go to visit your GP and ask to be referred for some counselling. It might be good if it was family counselling that your son could attend too. He needs to understand why you are so protective of him, and you need to be able to let him lead his own social path.

Maybe you could text a close friend and apologise for not being in touch, but you've had a lot of family and personal issues to deal with. If they are talking about you behind your back it's probably out of concern. Alternatively take up an evening class in another town close by and try to forge new friendships. But definitely definitely contact your GP. Your doc will be sympathetic, and they are bound by the hippocratic oath not to reveal to anyone else what you tell them.

I would also recommend the Samaritans. It sounds like something you would only do if suicidal, but I can tell you that they are very kind and helpful in all circumstances.

I'm glad you found the courage to post. Please keep coming back

[Rights Fighter]

Saffron, is this post in the right forum? I ask as the OP may get more support in the FA section. It might not get noticed here.

[Saffron]

Thanks RF, I hadn't spotted where it was. I will move it to the FA forum.
Freeme, I am not moving this post because you have done anything wrong - far from it! I just want it to be in the best possible forum for other members to see so that they can offer support. We have a few other mums of FA'd children on as members who will be able to empathise with your situation. xx

[Bigsister]

That was heartbreaking to read
I cant really offer advice as not been through it, but since my brother was accused I have been worrying that my son will one day be accused. I think I started a thread about that recently.
My son is 16 now & just started dating a girl in his class, he wasn't interested in girls until now, I too am a bit protective & my kids are not mature for their age, my son & this girl will be in 6th form together in september, & I already worry about this situation.
But I cant imagine how awful it must have been for you when your son was 11. How could people even think of making abig thing out of kids daring each other to do things! They just dont think further than that though, that's the trouble.
There is too much not thinking how things affect families as a whole these days.

[largactyl1]

Oh Freeme, what a terrible thing to happen. I completely understand why it has caused you to have somekind of breakdown.

With it being so unexpected and so very unnecessary to have your child accused of inappropriate sexual activity (when it's just a dare to flash bums when running for crying out loud) you would have had no idea that the weight of the law was about to disrupt your innocent family life as you would have been just going about your daily business and then a knock at the door..... Suddenly, your life is turned upside down and inside out when an innocent children's game is so terribly misconstrued. I'm heart-felt sorry that OUR laws have made this possible.

Now to the present, as has been suggested before, you need help. You are of course completely on pins all of the time as the last time was unexpected so the "next time" (in your head, not reality) could also come at anytime. I would say that you need a new start. Maybe don't move away as a "Geographical" often does not work, but you need help. This is what I would suggest:

1). Go to the GP and explain fully
2) If s/he considers you depressed, take anti-depressants as directed.
3) Request family counselling to start roughly 3 months after start anti-depressants.If not family, then just on your own.
4) If no to counselling, sit your boy down and explain why you are always on tenterhooks.
5) Talk to your boy re, appropriate sexual behaviour - the good things about sex, the bad things about sex and the down-right dangerous things about sex. This should have happened in school in Year9, but in my experience, the boys never take much notice as they are too busy pretending they've done it already and are not even remotely embarrassed haha.
Girls will take more notice, and these days a very large part of the Sex Ed curriculum is "Inappropriate behaviour" ed.
6). One way or another (and I found this out over many painful years while my boy went from drug user, to drug addict, to mental breakdown, to getting back on his feet (please god keep it going)) you are going to have to let go. You simply have to. If the reins are too tight now, when he breaks them he will just bolt.

An example of this is when my boy gave up drugs, time 3. We had him back home, did drugs tests, kept him busy, got him a job etc. 9 months later he starts Uni, moves house, we help him. I go back the next day and the house STINKS of skunk and burning crack. Could I have helped in this situation? No. Did having him home help? No. I was powerless, and I'm afraid, as your boy grows up (of course he did nothing wrong - society misjudged and woefully stigmatised and let him down- whereas with my boy it was entirely his own bloody fault). Make sure you have "The Talk" and then you are going to have to wean yourself off the addiction of trying too much to keep him safe. He's a young man - give him the rules but you have to let go - and I KNOW how difficult that it. You owe it to him, your other kids and yourself. It is unfair that you kepp suffering to all of you in your family

7).Confide in someone - well you have made a start by confiding here and I can guarentee you that everyone here will be moved and disgusted by what happened to your son. Don't you think that most mothers of 11 year olds would understand? I think the vast majority would be very upset and supportive of you. Please do come here again.

Thinking of you

Jen

[witsend]

Hi there, you really have come to the right place for the support you need!!! What you and your family have been through is just awful and my heart goes out to you. There are many of us on here that have been through similar situations, having a child falsely accused. It doesn't matter how old they are, your world seems to fall apart, but your son was very young to have to go through this. I truly agree with other people, your GP really needs to be your first port of call. Without mine I don't know how I would have got through our sons FA. The vision you have in your head of what your son went through after "the knock on the door" will stay with you. How could any parent forget that? Would moving help? I know this would be an awful upheaval for your kids but maybe it's an option? Try to stay strong, you really have done the best you can. Keep coming back

[mrsray]

Young men need to get release signed before sex

as girls and women have the right to cry rape for any reason, and the man accused is basically guilty util or if he can prove innocent, I feel you boys need to be told that they need to have a release signed before they ever have sex with anyone!
This is what our society has come to.