In Need Of Advice/Help

[Help For My Son]

My son, who is 18 (in October this year) has been accused of Rape by his ex-girlfriend.
The allegation is oral rape.
My son maintains that he did nothing that this girl objected to, at the time. They did not ever have intercourse, only foreplay
and oral sex (which she is now calling rape).
The alleged incident took place 6 months ago.
In her statement she accuses him of three times orally raping her and two times that she gave her consent.
We are, as a family, all very scared of what we have to face and need someone to talk to/help us.
We are seeing a lawyer on Monday (one that was appointed at the time my son was taken to the police station, duty lawyer)
This was my sons first relationship with a girl. He is a lovely boy but very naive. The girl is far more 'street-wise'
Can anyone be of any help? - I would be most appreciative.

[Casehardened]

Hello, and sorry that you have needed to find your way here.

If you look through some of the past threads you will see that regrettably there have been many cases similar to the position your son finds himself in (but on a positive note many have ended with NFA)

Hopefully some of these parents will be able to offer you some support from their own perspective of this situation, but in order for folks to give you any advice could you tell us whether your son has actually been charged with oral rape or was he interviewed and bailed pending further enquiries. Also, was his girlfriend over 16 at the time of the alleged incident?

You mentioned that the incident happened 6 months ago; has his girl friend only recently made the accusation, i.e. after the break-up of their relationship?

Has he started just started a new relationship with another girl.

Could there be a motive, such as anger or jealousy for her to make the accusation now rather than at the time it happened?

Personally, I consider it is a positive that they were previously in a steady relationship (hopefully there will be some texts, messages, etc still available to confirm this), that he was under 18 at the time, and that she has stated she gave consent on some of the occasions.

[Help For My Son]

Help For My Son

Hi - Thank you so much for replying so quickly.
My son was interviewed on Wednesday this week and bailed. His ex-girlfriend was 16+ at the time and has only just made the accusation. No - my son has not had any other relationship since they broke up some months ago. The police asked for his mobile phone which he gave them.
I have not seen his texts but do know she was very abusive to him constantly, calling him nasty names if he did not text her all the time. She told him she has Compulsive Obsessive Disorder and that she has had counselling for abuse from her parents. Whether that is actually true or a way of making my son feel sorry for her I do not know - but that is what she told him. My son is a kind lad, always willing to help people, listen to their problems - but as I said before he is very naive.
The duty solicitor that helped him at the police station did say he thought it was a flimsy case, but who knows, the law is confusing. I just need to find out as much as possible to help him. It seems to me that knowing what not to do at this stage is as important as knowing what to do.
Again my sincere thanks to for your help so far.

[Casehardened]

It's always better to prepare mentally for the worst case scenario rather than to have your hopes dashed if he is charged, but I'm in agreement with your solicitor.

However the waiting (and waiting and waiting) will be hell for you both; it will be helpful to put down on paper all the reasons you can think of for the girl to make the accusations now, so long afterwards (motives are paramount should it get to trial)

Can you obtain documention to confirm her counselling and Compulsive Obsessive Disorder?

Can you get independant witnesses to confirm that they were in a steady relationship & how it ended? (amicable or otherwise) You mentioned the abusive texts, but you may not get the phone back for a few weeks in order to be able to extract them.

Hopefully you won't need any of this but it will help you both to be doing something meaningful in the interim (it may well be months before the CPS make a decision)

Keep thinking positively!

PS edit to add one of the things not to do is to be tempted to have any contact directly, or indirectly, with the girl or her family (but you probably know this already)

[RFLH]

I'm sorry that you've found yourself here, you will get advice and support here from those that have been through similar and those that are still battling.

Have a look at

http://www.cps.gov.uk/publications/d...uting_rape.pdf

[Help For My Son]

Help For My Son

Thank you both for your replies.
Since they broke up the girl has been threatening to report him to the police. This has gone on for some time - all by text. She was saying it would be better for him if he handed himself in and if he did not she would do so.
Goodness knows how he handled that pressure and continued to keep up with his college work. Being naive she had him convinced that he had in fact raped her.
On Tuesday last he tried to hurt himself with a knife - slashed his arm. Fortunately not doing too much damage. He said he did not want to put his parents through the shame of being accused of rape.
Will any of this affect things? Is trying to hurt yourself in some way an admission of guilt? Or is it a cry for help?
Regards

[RFLH]

that's a cry for help - the only thing that he has control over at the moment.

Oral sex can be classed as rape now.

[Help For My Son]

Help For My Son

I have read through many of the threads. Frightening mostly.
Can someone help in giving me info on the stage we are at.
The police have to now gather evidence to then decide if to take the matter further.
What do they actually do ? What will they be looking for?
Will they interview anyone - teachers, friends etc
How will they look at the texts from mobile phones?
Will they only look for incriminating comments or putting all the correspondence in context?
Thanks to you all

[RFLH]

Everything the police find will be handed over to the CPS - its their job to decide whether the police proceed.

Their job is to find any 'evidence' that will back up the claim - not to try and disprove it, the police are not on your side.

[Shatteredhusband]

Sorry you have found yourself in this position but glad that you have come to a place where you can get help and support.

I am on bail at the minute for a false rape allegation. It may be useful for your son to write down every detail that he remember relating to his relationship and the allegations. Did any of his texts back to his girlfriend deny the rape. You say she had convinced him he was guilty, was this documented or would any witnesses corroborate that he believed this.

I appreciate the self harm your son committed. I felt suicidal a lot at the beginning, but thankfully I have gotten through that. If he needs help coping, he should go to the GP, they could prescribe something or arrange counselling. If he is embarrassed talking with his family about the intimate details, he could try FASO or if he is depressed again, I did find the Samaritans very helpful.

A good start would also be to try to identify why she would lie about this (police/CPS/court may be more easily convinced that she is lying if you can explain why)

For Revenge
The rape accusation is an extreme and criminal way of punishing someone. This situation can be found in romantic relationships and even marital situations.
To Break Up a Relationship
A false rape accusation against a step-father/boyfriend by the step-daughter may be an attempt to break-up mother’s romance.
To Gain Legal Advantage
A false accusation of rape/sexual-abuse is often used in court to gain a legal advantage in child custody cases or divorce actions. The accusations are dropped when the accused individual agrees to legal terms demanded by the accuser.
]For Attention
This is a severe/extreme attention-seeking strategy often seen in individuals with significant personality or mental health problems.
To Deflect Responsibility
A false accusation of rape is often used in an attempt to avoid responsibility for sexual activity, as when a pregnant teenager makes accusations of rape rather than admit that she’s sexually active to her parents.
For Blackmail
A false accusation of rape can be a criminal strategy to blackmail, extort, or threaten an individual. We have seen this frequently with celebrities with the accuser offering to settle out of court for money. In this situation, most file a civil suit or use a media accusation rather than file a criminal charge in an attempt to avoid their own criminal charges for filing a false felony report.
As a Dysfunctional Relationship Strategy
Emotionally unstable or Personality Disorder individuals (see my introduction to personality disorders) may use false accusations of rape to gain the attention of a partner. This is one of several extreme strategies they hope will actually improve a relationship by legally forcing the accused individual to interact/talk with them. In this dysfunctional relationship strategy, the accuser has a fantasy that the extreme act will somehow prompt a positive change in the relationship (it doesn’t!). Other examples of these strategies include faking pregnancy, theatrical suicide gestures, and faking a serious or terminal illness. False accusations of rape are almost always an extreme strategy of some kind with a reason that is specific to the individual or the situation.

[Help For My Son]

Help For My Son

[QUOTE=Shatteredhusband;13314] You say she had convinced him he was guilty, was this documented or would any witnesses corroborate that he believed this.

Thank you so much for your input especially as you are going through something similar - that takes a special sort of person in my opinion.

Let me say right away that if I thought for one minute that my son had forced himself on any girl I probably would not be on this Forum - not 100% sure of that - but I certainly would be feeling very different.

There are many texts apparently over several months, since they split up , that the girl is threatening him with going to the police - she even tried to get him to turn himself in. At the beginning of December this year she asked him to meet her in town - which he did - only to be confronted with her 'snogging' with her new boyfriend.

In their relationship she called the shots - she was very nasty to him a lot of the time - he says he put up with it because he thought he loved her - like I said before , he is very naive and this was his first relationship encounter with a girl.

What I am having great difficulty with is the motive behind all this. I do not think the girl realises what she is going to have to go through as well as my son.

We seem to be on a path that could destroy two young lives not just one.

Very sad.

Anyway I very much appreciate your input and wish you all the very best in your case/situation.

Bless you

[RFLH]

is she on any social networks? If you can get screenshots of anything that she has put that may help you.

[allatsea]

I'm really sorry you have had to find your way here but welcome. We were in a similar situation until recently. Our son is just 18 and was accused of rape by a girl he had a one night stand with who was afraid her boyfriend would find out. His case was NFA'd recently so there is hope - and you have to hold on to that. I would suggest you try and find a local solicitor that deals with cases of false accusation (not deals with rape accusations - I stress the 'false') We were lucky to find a wonderful firm locally who were totally on the ball and kept us up to date every step of the way.

Good luck to you and your son. The first weeks are the worst -- you do settle into a sort of numbness after a while,

allatsea

[Midnight and Worried]

Hello there,

I am in a similar situation with my Grandson and ,like you, I am 100% certain that he is the victim of a false allegation.

He was arrested last July and has been rebailed three times now so I would warn you to be in for a long wait until this gets sorted out for no other reason that the Police and CPS seem to work very slowly.

After the initial shock of him being arrested I came to this forum and have found a lot of support and some really good advice,if you read through some of the threads you will see that there are so many people that our going through this torment.

I can only say that I am clinging to the hope that the truth will come out no matter how long it takes and just knowing that I am always here for him helps my Grandson cope,I am sure it will be the same for your Son.

[Help For My Son]

Help For My Son

Thank you 'Midnight and Worried' and 'allatsea' - I am most grateful for your support.
Bless you both