Life In Tatters

[gareth589]

Glad i came across the site although I am as writing this in the most saddest of moods and to say my world and life has come crashing down, does not even come close to how scared I am and un sure of what is happening.

I have been accused by a ex of raping her in 2007 by 2 counts of Anal Rape.

She has not yet made a formal statement and the duty solicitor advised me to go no comment during the interview as she had not made the formal complaint.

The Police have bailed me for two months till 9 Aug why in the officers words process a allegation of rape. These words have have played havoc in is a a forgone conclusion that they will charge me with just her word against mine and that there is no evidence.

My current partner, who i have been with for over two years knew of my ex, and she has had to endure me crying, trying to end my life through a overdose and seen me go, from happy to empty, i have lost over a stone in 3 weeks and cant bear to even bond or spend time in the family home, and am finding I want to be alone.

The back ground.

I met my ex in 2006 through a internet dating site called Plenty Of Fish.

i went round to her one evening and met her and her dad and daughter as she was living there due to a marriage break up.

We ended up, having sex and for me, I was looking for fun not marriage like she wanted.

We continued to see each other, all though i was playing the field and meeting other girls, as in my eyes i was not attached in that way.

There was a age difference to, i was 30 at the time, she was 44, so for me it was no more than fun.

We spent time together and I suppose that a relationship of sorts did develop as I enjoyed her company and the sex, although i continued seeing other woman.
She was not aware of this, although she would accuse me of this from time to time.

I was in to the swinging scene and dogging as found it curious, and used to go to some of the parties around here and the dogging spots with my best friend.
My ex was aware of this and said she would like to come along to see for her self what it was all about, so I took her. She said it opened her eyes and I asked her if she would have a 3 sum with me and my best mate, she agreed and this set us along a swinging path meeting people and having fun on the moors.

My ex become close to my mum and confided that she needed to leave her dads house, as he drank, and when he was drunk, he would often touch her up and try things and she said to my mum she could not cope, my mum introduced her to a friend and debbie moved in with her. During this stage debbie moods were erratic and she would be fine one min, then the next min she would be off on one saying i was this and that, and cheating on her.

I got so used to her moods that I became good in allowing her to blow and cool down and go back and it was fine.

Things with my ex and mums friend went wrong and one morning I got a phone call from my ex saying she had been kicked out and that my mums friend had beaten her up. she was crying so i asked my mum to come with me, and help her move out, she had no where to go so she moved in with mum and I, during this, i was arrested, defending my mum and ex from mums friend as she went mad, i was released with no charge, but some what frustrated.

I met a girl, and had a relationship with her while my ex was at mine, I was from time to time sleeping with my ex, as it was on offer. My girlfriend at the time did not know, and she was not happy that my ex was living at my mums, but her and my mum had become good friends and my ex helped my disabled mum around the house.

In 2007 i was involved in a bike accident and suffered injuries to my body from being hit head on and was being honest in no fit state to be interested in sex.

My ex had moved from my mums in to a rented house and I would go to visit her with mates and she would often cook breakfast and be around, we still had sex and in her eyes I was her man, but for me it was not like this, i cared for her, and would look out for her but i wanted to be single.

Things at her new place went wrong and she moved again in to a friends of her sons house, where she continued to work, she was a mental health nurse and was telling me she was under pressure at work and being bullied and that this woman had taken a dislike to her.

She went on long term sick and then quit her job, during this time she just uped and left the house she was at, I tried to make contact, but got no joy. I was hurt as i was worried about her, i then found out she was back at her dads suffering depression. I went there to be confronted by her dad, telling me i was to stay away or he would get the police.

I told him that I knew he touched her up when he was drunk to which he said was lies.
In time I met my new partner she fell pregnant straight away and I set up a home and business to support my new family.
My ex found out and become very nasty and jealous towards me saying i was evil and that she would destroy me, and that she held all the trump cards. I used to laugh it off and just allow her to calm down and go back after a few days.

Over the coming months, contact stopped as I was with my current partner and going through a tough pregnancy with her. I was also starting up my new business.

my ex continued to text me, and keep in contact with my mum, she went to see my mum, and mum informed her that she could see how jealous she was about my new partner and that she not prepared to stand by and watch my ex destroy my new relationship or harm mums new grandchild.

My ex said she would not, on a few more occasions she turned up at mums and mum has told me some of the stuff my ex did, saying to my own mum, do you like the underwear i have brought for gareth I was shocked at her behaviour and my mum not impressed.

i moved in to my new home and told my ex that i was living in a different part of the county, as I did not want her turning up here causing stress or harming my new family. My best friend at the time was invited round and this is where things went wrong.

My ex found out where I was living started to try and stalk me.

I was alarmed at how she had found out, i laughed it off with her and she continued to contact me, asking how baby was doing and how much she would like to see babes. i kept it nice as her moods were not normal, and i was concerned for my family.

At Christmas, 09, she called me in tears saying that her dad was dead, I said what do you mean she said, he was in the chair, I explained to my current partner and she did not want me to go there. I went against her as i knew my ex had no one as her son had beaten her previous that i had to sort out through the police. When I got there, It was very upsetting as her dad, sadly had passed away. I gave my ex a cuddle and said have you called the Police and the Ambulance, she had not so did all this and stayed with her trying to keep her calm.

The Police and ambulance arrived and I went round to her neighbours to see if one could come and comfort her.
During this time I called her Daughter and broke the news and asked her to come down, I had to leave as my partner wanted me home. I gave deb a kiss on the cheek and cuddle and said I would be here for her.

During 2010 I went round to her dads a couple of time with out my current partner knowing to make sure my ex was ok, she at the time was going through her dads stuff, and i told her to leave it as she was just giving stuff away worth lots of money. I could she she was sad and did all i could to support her and help her clean up her dads mess.

I went round with my best mate as she needed stuff moving, it was agreed that we would meet the following week, I said to my mate to not go there without me, partly as i did not trust him and will be honest. Sadly I could not get there on the day, but my best mate did turn up which is when all this started.

I was very hurt by his actions, and said he was out of order, I sent him a few nasty text messages calling him a c**t and that our friendship was finished.
Told my ex she was welcome to him, took a load of abuse saying my best mate was more of a man than me and that at least he helped her. I replied well feel free to carry on.

I cut contact with my ex and she still texted from time to time, accusing me of being on sites and with different girls. I told her where to go and that she was mad, she said she was going to report me for rape, I laughed at her calling her a sad pathetic cow that was angry and twisted as I would not be with her.

This led to texts from her that I did not keep, as did not want my current partner to know saying she had just met a new guy in the army and that she had just had the best sex with him and that i was a looser and well you name it i was it.

It later turned out that my best mate had told my ex all the dirt on me, and that what we used to get up to, and where i was living and where my mother in law worked, My ex was also now friends with my best mates wife and they were all meeting up and i was being bad mouthed, I rang my best mate telling him to stop the **** stirring.

My ex then texted me saying that she was out side one night, i replied to her yeah yeah prove it, to which she said look out the window, she then told me my currents partners car reg and where my works van was and when i did look she flashed her lights and drove off.

I told her straight that if she came anywhere near my partner or daughter, I would hammer her.
During this she is telling me she is sleeping with my best mate and how much more of a lover he was than me.
Then she would text me pictures of her breasts which I have a girlfriend that can vouch she saw the text as i said I have a mad ex on my case.

My ex was having major mood swings and one min nice but the moment i did not do as she wanted it was blow a gasket and threats galore.

I then continued to have problems with her and my brakes on my works van were tampered with, causing me to crash in to a building at low speed. i did not report this to the Police, as they are a waste of time. It was brought up in a website forum that i use.
The garage said someone had slackened of a bleed nipple in the brakes so that every time i braked, i would loose some fluid, till my brakes went.

I thought it was maybe my best mate, but cant prove it.
On the day I was arrested, I got a call from my ex saying she had just come back from Belgium, I knew she had been there with my best mate who was married, so said to my ex, I was only down the road to put the kettle on as i would pop in for a coffee while waiting for my mate to come back to the garage.

When i got their she went off at me again shoving me calling me a ******* and all this, she then told me it was my best friend she had been to Belgium with. I told her to wake up and get a life, and that he would only hurt her like i had.

She then said no its different he is leaving his wife and they were moving in together, to which i said I'm happy for you. I told her to her face that i was calling my mates wife to let her know that her husband was leaving her to be with my ex, My ex went at me saying I had opened a can of worms and that she would destroy me, i said fine, told her I was on way to best mates to let his wife know in person.

i did this and felt good for getting back at him and causing him the trouble like he had done to me.

I went back to work and 3 hours later, I m arrested on suspicion of abh and then during interview was arrested on allegation of 2 counts of rape.

Was told no complaint had yet been made but they would be investigating me, Legal advisor told me to go no comment as he felt seeing at at that given time no complaint had been made, this was the best route. I wanted to put my side but did not.

Since i have been released, i have had phone calls on with held numbers, reported this to the police along with the brake issue. The officer in the case said i was making it up to make her complaint less, i lost my rag and said how dare he, this has been logged with my legal team.

She has had some person approach me, saying if i pay her 2k from my damages, it all goes away.
My mum has been receiving funny calls and my business is going down the pan.

Hand on heart, I have been a player with woman, but Rape, its not me, I have ex girlfriends that will vouch anal is not me.

Also she has given no exact dates from 07, as i wanted to know as it could be i have a witness in the form of my mum, as was recovering from the bike accident. It was also reported i was on anti depressants and had no sex drive due to the tablets.

In my eyes, i stirred up the nest by telling my best mates wife, and my ex has done this to spike me fully.

What do i do, how do i not worry and stress and how do i support my partner and keep myself alive as daily i want to end my life.

I have been in Prison had issues with DV in past relationships, and as for know about Rape, was violently raped in 2001 while in Prison and know the anguish and pain as i had 2 failed suicide attempts in 2008 .

[LS]

Hi Gareth
Welcome the site, sorry it's under these circumstances. What a tale of woe. As far as practical help goes, as you've probably seen from reading others' cases on here, it often takes many months to go to court, often on very dodgy evidence which means it's a case of sitting it out and hoping commonsense prevails and that your case is either not proceeeded with, or goes to court and hope for an acquittal.

In the meantime the best you can do is try to keep any physical evidence you may have which may prove useful later - text messages, msn messages, records of phone conversations etc. Of course try to write down like you have done here, as memories fade over time and what is clear now may not be so if it comes to trial.
No doubt others will be along to say hello and offer help and advice, but one of the main things you'll need is to not be on your own so feel free to come here and rant or speak your mind or just discuss worries. There are also a few who are knowledgeable about the legal process and can advise accordingly.
regards
LS

[gareth589]

LS.

Thank you for the welcome. I wish that it was not under theses grounds, and to say be strong is harder. Thought I had been through stress and pressure. This is a different thing all together, your waiting for some Police Officer and CPS Person to decide your fait.

I would welcome others feelings on this and if they can pick up any findings on this, as really I don't know where to start.

Thanks

Gareth

[witsend]

dear Gareth. Glad you found your way here, it is a great place to get advice and support. What you are going through is awful, read other threads on here and you will discover that,even though the circumstances may be different, we have all been in similar situations. PLEASE do not contemplate another suicide attempt, unfortunately there will be people who would think you did it out of guilt, and think of how your family would feel. Have you seen your GP and explained how this has impacted on you? If you need to TALK to somebody impartial please consider ringing the Samaritans. Please keep coming back here.

[gareth589]

Thanks witsend.

I have been to the doctors and put on various tablets, that just knocks me out makes my mouth dry and in general have the ability to want to be in the real world.

I am at a complete loss of how to function, and constantly asking my closest what they think will happen, while every one around me has said they cant see this going any where, i read the post on here reference the Police and the CPS and they seem to have a law to themselves.


It makes me feel, yes i have a good degree of evidence even mails that i sent her asking her to leave me alone and that I could not deal with her lies or constant change in behaviour. My mum is prepared to go to court to say how debbie acted in 2008 2009 and 2010 I have a few ex girlfriends that have said they would give references that when they have said No, i never pushed, and that anal was never my cup of tea.

I just am so destroyed, and to those that read this, is it not clear of the reasons why she has done this, one being I went to my best mates wife and told them what was going on?

She has done this in my eyes to be bitter and to spite me, but still the Police are prepared to trust her and believe her.
I still dont know if she has made the complaint formal, as in a written statement.

I have questions,

1.Will she need to have excat dates and times of when this happen, or is it enough to say it was at some point in 2007?

2. Her mental break down during the period of 2008 and 2009 would this be important for me, in trying to say her behaviour was not right or that her mind was wrong.

3. The mails I have from her where she has joined swinging sites, and then sent me the link through, trying to make me bite

4. Asking me to take sex purity tests on the same site, and the mail i sent her telling her to stop her behaviour

5. Going to my mum saying do you think Gareth will like my new underwear, and in my mums words, mum felt she was acting up being like a 16 year old not that of a 40+ year old woman.

6. Turning up at my house, although it was in the last few months I cant remember, but have my current partner to back this up

7. What will be happening with the officer dealing with the case, what sort of enquires will he conduct, or will he just wait for a statement and then they charge me, without me even giving my side of the story.

I know there are lots of questions, but really from the time i wake up till the time i go to bed, i am worried sick by this.

I put my hands up, that I have been foolish in allowing my grudge against my ex best friend to fuel my actions, but to have this done just is insane.

[gareth589]

I am now sat in complete tears typing, thinking i would be better to be dead than face the thought of whats ahead.

I dont know if coming on to the site is helping me, I rang a firm of solicitors, called falselyaccussed.co.uk and come of the phone a mess, as was told i could get 8 years for this.

Reading certain stuff on this matter of rape, it seems that the police need no evidence and the courts seem to convict on this.

I am scared of losing my life i have for a crime i really did not commit.

I called the officer in the case and asked him for a update, he said he cant tell me nothing, i said when i answer bail, do i need to bring a bag with me for prison, he said that wont be needed, he said i need to get all my history together and all the e mails on this and bring it with me.

It feels like he has been very fair on this and made welfare checks to my partner, but i cant help think from what others have said on here that there as nice as pie to your face, but behind your back they shaft you.

All i know is I'm loosing my fight with life and really feel at rock bottom.

[LS]

Gareth
You won't need to take a bag with you for prison. If you were going to prison you'd be there now.
Just to put your mind at rest, the worst case scenario as you say is 8yrs. That is the absolute worst, but out of that you only do half, I think it is now, and that's if you get 8 years, it's likely to be a lot less. But you've got to be convicted first, which is why you need to start collecting evidence now.

Officers in the case will never tell you anything, and much of the time they will lie to you anyway, so don't let it bother you that you haven't heard anything. In time you will.

I may be wrong on this but I would NOT take anything to the police which would help your case, unless you have copies.. They have a habit of "losing" items which are damaging to their case.
Every minute you are still breathing, you are winning, because the other party hasn't won. You need to buck up and concentrate on gathering evidence right now.

And should the worst happen, well I've been convicted of far worse despite my innocence, yet I'm still here.

[RFLH]

Gareth - please rethink using them. Whereabouts are you? County will do.

Please don't think about going down the suicide route - many of us on here have thought the same way - but we're still here and we're still fighting.

You shouldn't need a 'nasty bag' for a bail hearing.

[Saffron]

Stop talking like that right now. Ending it is NOT an option...people would assume you killed yourself because you were driven mad by Guilt. So you can stop that right now.

Sometimes things seem hopeless, but there is always hope. So take a deep breath, step back and look at the facts.

Until she makes a statement, it is highly unlikely that you will be charged. In fact I am amazed that you were even arrested without her making a formal complaint. But without her statement they simply cannot press charges.

Unfortunately her mental condition since the "rapes" is not going to be admissible. Many genuine survivors do suffer mental breakdowns after an attack. And many people who have MH problems are more likely to be genuinely raped because they are vulnerable and therefore easily coerced.

I don't mean to pry, and don't feel obliged to answer, but the following is important: I am not sure why you have previously served time - you mention DV issues: was that the conviction you were sent down for? Regardless, this could potentially be used against you in this case.

However, lets look at the positives. You have a plethora of evidence that she has behaved in a threatening and volatile manner towards you and your family. You have a witness who has attempted to bribe you on her behalf. You have ex girlfriends willing to testify on your behalf. You have a loving and supportive Mum who will give evidence in your favour. As survivor of rape yourself, your testimony will be very compelling.

And, at the risk of repeating myself, she has not yet made a formal complaint. How did this come to the attention of the police if she didn't make a statement? I find this very strange, and it could even possibly be an Abuse of Process.

So please please calm down. I completely understand what it's like when the black clouds engulf you. But there is hope.

Chin up.

[gareth589]

I am based in the South West, under Devon&Cornwall Police ruling.

Saffron.


I went to prison in 2001 for filling my car on petrol and got 3 months for the offences.

I then come out of prison and in 2008 was convicted of common assault to my ex partner who was a police officer after months of hell with the police hounding me. I was given a two year community punishment order with a rule to attend IDAP, Integrated Domestic Abuse Program.

Met my partner where my life changed for the better.

It come to the before the Police, as after I called my ex best friends wife in front of my ex to tell her my ex and her husband had just got back from Belgium, and that her husband was going to be leaving her to go with my ex.

I left went back to work and my ex called the Police to say i had assaulted her by pulling her hair. I was arrested and 5 hours later was informed in interview that she had made a allegation of rape but not made a formal statement yet that i had raped her in 2007 on 2 separate occasions, one being the moors the other being at her house she was renting.

Saffron, you mention at the bottom of your post, it could be a Abuse Of Process.

What do you mean as dont quite understand.

Thank You

Gareth

[Saffron]

When you are arrested, there are certain procedures that have to be follolwed. The most basic of these is offering you legal representation and warning you about not having to say anything, etc. If these procedures are not followed, a good barrister will argue that an Abuse of Process has taken place.

I find it astonishing that you were arrested and interviewed under caution for an offence where the complainant has not even made a statement. How can they possibly ask you relevant questions if they do not know the full details of the allegation against you? I am not a legal expert by any means, but others here are and will be able to answer in more detail.

Chin up and no more talk about ending it please!

[utterlydestroyed]

Oh Jesus...my heart sunk when I saw you were in the domain of the Devon & Cornwall Constabulary.

As a FALSE RAPE survivor, attempted suicide survior as a result of Devon & Cornwall police corruption & failure of duy of care & a survivor of dishonest & homophobic Devon & Cornwall Constabulary police officers (nothing I would not testify to in court)....DO NOT TRUST ANY DEVON & CORNWALL CONSTABULARY POLICE OFFICER...NONE....not a single one!!!!

A list of Devon & Cornwall police officers against who complaints have been made to the Independent Police Complaints Commission regarding my own experience can be found on my blog here http://www.pinkpasty.blogspot.com

Gather evidence, statements, etc...BUT DO NOT HAND IT OVER TO THE DEVON & CORNWALL CONSTABULARY...they suppressed over 48 witness statements in my case...and other statements I became aware of. They also DID NOT bother to obtain text msgs by the false accuser ADMITTING FALSE ALLEGATION. Hand any evidence, statements, etc. only to your brief (solicitor)

I cannot stress enough the genuine concern I have for you being in the Devon & Cornwall Constabulary area as I know bitterly the depth of their police corruption & dishonsty.

[witsend]

Gareth, as others have said PLEASE calm down.We can all understand why you feel the way you do, honestly we do. if the tablets aren't agreeing with you then you need to see the GP again and explain this, but as with all tablets they do take some time to work. please take on board advice and words of wisdom given by other members. chin up mate.

[gareth589]

utterlydestroyed,

I read your post and it caused me to worry that will the Police act in the correct manner, as in my eyes it feels that they think i have done it and am guilty.

In my eyes i don't get that if i raped her in 07, i was not fit due to a bike accident, my medical note with the consultant confirm i reported my loss of sex drive due to tablets and the fact it was very painful with my neck and back.

She then moved in with mum and I after stating her dad touched her up when he drank.

Her son then beats her up, and she asks me to help her on this so i advise her to call the police.

She keeps in contact with my mum by going there when my mum said to stay away.

Discuseed our sex life to my mum.

Then her dad dies and I am the first person she calls to help her.

She has played constant games with me trying to make me bite, i even have mails where she told me she was meeting a woman, who was a swinger, I said be careful as this woman is experienced and said don't be pushed in to nothing that you don't feel comfortable with.

This woman is bitter and so jealous and angry towards me, she hates the fact I am happy with my baby and that I have moved on with life, she always said she had a trump card and would destroy me, she threatened me years ago with the Rape thing and I said your twisted.

Can anyone tell me, do the phone providers hold down the texts you send on there system?

I dont know where to begin to write down my history and defence, do i contact some of the men she slept with to gather info from them.

Please could anyone help.

Daily I wake up becoming more withdraw from life, my partner and I our nearly splitting, my business is going down the pan, i cant bear to be near my daughter, and feel like every day i wake up, is another day less till bail, and another day closer to me being behind bars for years.

I really understand about Rape, as i was a victim of male rape while in Prison, and really can understand the pain, anguish of being forced down against your will and violated in the worst way going.

For 5 years it bottled up inside of me and then I cracked and tried twice to end my life one through tablets and one through hanging.

This woman, I cared for, not enough to spend my life with, but enough to not want to hurt her or see her hurt. i thought she would always be someone in my world.

Now the vision i have is a woman that i dislike and feel the pain through my body that I ache and weep daily.

I am now losing my home family and life and really hate life.

[macdougal]

Hey Gareth chin up man. Try and keep yourself busy and dont even contemplate suicide. It'll mes with your head more just with the thoughts of it.
Embrace your time with your daughter. Im a single dad and it was my daughter who kept me going.
Be strong, your family need you and it is important you dont push them away because you need them too.
Im not very good on the legal system so wont advise you on that but Reading your story I feel the need to ask: Does your accuser know about you being a victim of rape? She has always said she as a trump card against you. This could be it. It seems to me like she is somewhat disturbed. Shes claimed anal rape. Knowing that this is something you have had to suffer. Not only is she screwing you over by trying to get you in prison but shes also playing with the mental torture that, I suspect, you have relived many many times in your head.
I think this is something that should be pointed out to your solicitor. Not sure what angle they'll approach it with but it could be worthwhile.