Coming Home

[Saffron]

On Friday my husband came home after serving a 6 month prison term for indecent assault - something he didn't do.

He has now been home for six days and after a promising start, he is having difficulty adjusting. He is scared to go out, his employment prospects are pretty dim, and he is desperately down. He can't seem to motivate himself to do anything and even the smallest tasks seem insurmountable. I have suggested counselling, but he has tried this in the past and did not find it helpful.

The only time he seems able to make decisions and go outside of the house is when I am with him, but after taking the remainder of my annual leave, and as the sole bread winner for our young family I have to be in work.

Does anyone have any ideas about how I can help him adjust to "real life" after the unreal and nightmarish prison regime?

[diana_holbourn]

There are several different types of counselling, and some are a lot more helpful than others. Some can even be harmful. One kind that isn't very good for problem-solving and which can make people feel worse is the type where the counsellor doesn't say much but just lets the client talk. I think that's quite common. But a much better type is cognitive/behavioural therapy. Unfortunately, it's not as common as it should be on the NHS, apparently. But your GP might be able to put your husband in touch with someone who can do it. The behavioural part would be encouraging him to go out of the house for short periods at a time at first, gradually building up the amount of time he spends out until he's confident about going out; and maybe doing small things and building up to bigger ones till he feels like doing more. The therapist should accompany him when he goes out at first to encourage him and reassure him if he gets panicky. The cognitive part would be helping him to develop techniques of changing the way he thinks about the problems of going out and anything else he doesn't want to do until he's more confident and positive.

I think what he's going through is possibly a common problem among ex-prisoners, so if you get in touch with an organisation for them, they might be able to help. There's a NACRO helpline where people can get information about a variety of things including employment, and information about it at http://www.nacro.org.uk/safersociety...ingthepast.htm
The email and phone number's near the bottom of the page.

It's possible that you might be able to get a bit of compassionate leave from your work to help him.

[maria]

[hi saffron i'm so pleased that your partner is now home at least you have each other now just take one step at a time and eae him back into the real world he must be scared anyone would be, im still scared to this day for my son and its coming up a yr ago that ge went to court he still has nightmares and so do i just let him no he feels safe with you and secure eventualy he will feel a little more relaxed after each day go's by good luck and take care xoxoxoxo

[diana_holbourn]

I hope your husband's getting on OK. I've just been learning about the importance of relaxation techniques. Apparently, when people are very anxious or upset or depressed or feeling other strong emotions, a part of the brain called the amigdala floods the brain with so many signals that it blocks the intelligent part of it from functioning, so people find it much more difficult to solve problems or make decisions. The process is designed for when people are in extreme situations that might be life threatening where to stop and consider a decision before doing anything about the situation might be a fatal delay. But in today's world where humans are much less likely to be living alongside life-threatening predators, the response isn't needed nearly so often. Relaxing causes the signals to subside, so the intelligent part of the brain can take control again, so the person finds it much easier to start making intelligent decisions and solving their problems again.

Perhaps your husband could try doing relaxation exercises. People are often advised to start by controlling their breathing, counting while breathing in and out. It's sometimes advised that it's better to spend longer breathing out than breathing in, so, for instance, a person could breathe in to the count of seven and breathe out to the count of eleven. Apparently, just doing this can make people feel calmer in a fairly short time. Then your husband could perhaps breathe for a while focusing all his attention on those breaths, deliberately blocking distressing thoughts from his mind. Then perhaps he could imagine for a while that he's sitting in a woodland and all his upsetting thoughts are gradually being carried away on Autumn leaves or clouds. Then he could imagine doing things he used to really enjoy like his favourite hobbies or parts of former jobs he was keen on. Maybe if he does a relaxation routine like that for half an hour to an hour once or twice a day, he'll end up feeling much calmer all the time and will regain enthusiasm for life, so he'll begin to go out and do new things and function well again. There are websites that guide people through relaxation exercises. If he needs something more, he could also try a technique for getting people over trauma called the rewind technique. I wrote about it to Taylirr yesterday (or early this morning). The thread's at http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/invision_for...p?showtopic=182

Perhaps if your husband still hasn't got a job, he could look into the option of self-employment. Perhaps he could be supported by a careers adviser. I don't know if he would qualify to be helped under the system, but he could try looking at New Deal for jobseekers -New Deal: self-employment.

[val lavender]

Hi Saffron

sorry to hear of your troubles.

There is an organisation called FASO which tries to assists victims of false allegations, they are contactable from 18.00 - midnight Mon - Fri on 0870 241 6650.

They do try and help people at all stages of an allegation including the post-sentance phase.

Regards

Val

[Rights Fighter]

I have an idea that part of the problem is that because he has already been falsely accused and done time in prison for this, he's scared of it happening again, hence the need for a "chaperone" or "witness"....... just in case "it" happens again.

This is common in guys who have been released from prison having been falsely accused of a sexual crime.

Eventually he will find his confidence but in the meantime you'll need to accompany him on most outings unless he can find another "witness" or chaperone.

When my friend Rob came out on appeal he needed a chaperone to go everywhere with him. This was a guy who knows all, has an opinion on everything and he's the one who is always right! He became a shadow of his former self but he's getting there. He came out in 2001 but I managed to find him an excellent "counsellor" who lets him talk, talks to him, takes him out, and in fact for some time now Rob has been going out alone. It took over a year I believe for the first time he set foot out of the village without his "witness" but he's done it.

He's getting on with his life, no wife or kids around or any family for that matter. But he has his mates, and they've been great. In September he's taking the police and SS to the high courts because the Home Office won't pay compensation. This is the guy who "couldn't be arsed" when he came out. His get up and go got up and went. Now it's back!

You'll both get there. Give it time and don't forget to lean on your friends. That's what they are there for!

RF

[val lavender]

Hi Saffron

from personal experiance and from trying to help others with this kind of problem I can tell you that it can be a long, hard process.

The best cure is a slow relaxed and gradual return to "normal life", accepting from the outset that there are going to be good days as well as bad and that the only real objective is to maintain general upward progress.

Its a good time of life to concentrate on things that you enjoy doing and getting round to doing the things in life that you have missed out thus far.

On a practical front there are a couple of steps that can provide reassurance if more allegations are feared. There are a couple of companies that provide a tracking service for mobile phones, the use of this can help to prove your location at any given moment and prove that you were not somewere else.

If the fear of further allegations includes the likleyhood of unwanted approaches by the accuser a disposable camera can prove very useful, doesnt cost a lot and can prove the sequeance of an event if such a situation arises.

I hope that the above is some use and that the recovery process is speedy and painless.

Regards

Val

[Rights Fighter]

Good advice Val! I shall remember that!

Which mobile phone companies offer the tracking services, just for future reference?

[val lavender]

Hi RF

there is a company called Trace-a-Mobile, they have a comprehensive website at www.traceamobile.com and I believe that they can work with any network. There is also another organistion who can be contacted via www.followus.co.uk who offer a similar service

Regards

Val

[Saffron]

Hi Val and RF

Thanks for your advice. It's been 3 months now simce he came home, and he is getting back to normal, and has even taken some casual employment, which really helps. He finds the visits to probation very difficult, mainly because the probation officer insists on asking him to admit to his "crime". When he refuses to acknowledge guilt, she claims he is "in denial". He in turn insists that he is not in denial, he is merely "maintaining his innocence", and as we all know, there is a BIG difference. She also tells him that his family probably hate him for putting them all through this ordeal!

He still worries about going out, and carries his cigarette butts with him so that his DNA is not left anywhere. sounds mad, but I can totally understand his reasonings.

we are attempting our first social function soon. some of the people there will know what has happened, and some don't. any ideas?

Thanks for your input.

Saffron

[maria]

hi saffron me and shane had to go through that same thing it was difficult to start with but it got easier, i was not and still not ashamed to be seen in public with my son if anything i'm proud to be seen with him, personaly the best way to get round this event for you would be to hold your head up high and stand proud if there are any comments ignor them mix and chat to everyone you no, this will show people you both have nothing to hide and are not ashamed ( you have nothing to be ashamed off ) go out and enjoy yourselfs just think its been bad enough so try put that behind you, easier said then done i no but beleive me if you think to yourself we will have a great time you will , you will find out who your true friends are and the others well there not worth knowing good luck and have a fab time x
ps have a drink for me :P

[maria]

forgot to add his probabtion officer needs reporting for saying to him ....She also tells him that his family probably hate him for putting them all through this ordeal! thats not the way there suppose to talk shanes p/o is really good and very pleasant to him and myself she needs repromanding x

[Rights Fighter]

Val

Many thanks for the info re tracking mobile phones.

Saffron

Has your husband tried to appeal his convictions? Just because he is "out of time" doesn't mean he can't try. Also, if his barrister says he has no grounds, does not mean that there are none.

RF

[Saffron]

Originally posted by Rights Fighter@8th March 2005 - 10:50 PM

Saffron

Has your husband tried to appeal his convictions? Just because he is "out of time" doesn't mean he can't try. Also, if his barrister says he has no grounds, does not mean that there are none.

RF

Quoted post

Hi RF

No, we haven't yet tried to appeal the conviction. Our barrister told us at the time that there were no grounds. We need fresh evidence, and in this case where it was her word against his, it is unlikely we will find any.
Since the conviction she has been telling more lies, saying that my husband got a 5-year custodial sentence, (he got 12 months) and that after the trial it "came out" that he had done this before, but there hadn't been enough evidence to make it "stick". (again, this is a total lie) We have heard this through a mutual ex-colleague who has been very sympathetic to us.
She has also told various colleagues that she had a heart condition, and that she was 3 weeks away from having a pacemaker fitted. However, when she gave her statement to the police she said her general health was "good" and that she was not on any prescription drugs.
I think the best chance we have of appeal is to discredit her, in order to cast doubt on the veracity of her testimony. But I am not sure how to start it all off. We have no spare cash to pay for a top barrister. Would any of the above lies be enough to cast doubt on her truthfulness? We will only get one chance at an appeal, and I want it to be successful. Even if the conviction is ruled unsafe, there may still be a retrial. My husband doesn't feel he can face the trauma of a retrial, and the possibility of being found guilty all over again terrifies him.

how does one go about making an appeal?

any advice/comments gratefully received!

Saffron

[Saffron]

Originally posted by maria@8th March 2005 - 09:07 PM
hi saffron me and shane had to go through that same thing it was difficult to start with but it got easier, i was not and still not ashamed to be seen in public with my son if anything i'm proud to be seen with him, personaly the best way to get round this event for you would be to hold your head up high and stand proud if there are any comments ignor them mix and chat to everyone you no, this will show people you both have nothing to hide and are not ashamed ( you have nothing to be ashamed off ) go out and enjoy yourselfs just think its been bad enough so try put that behind you, easier said then done i no but beleive me if you think to yourself we will have a great time you will , you will find out who your true friends are and the others well there not worth knowing good luck and have a fab time x
ps have a drink for me :P

Quoted post

Thanks Maria, I will raise a glass for you and Shane!

Saffron