My Story

[Constant]

Update

Hi all - just a quick update - I'm doing ok but paranoid and angry - even a missed call worries me not sure how long it will take me to get back to normal "normal". I see the suffering of others is still occuring and do check out this forum on a regular basis - don't comment as much as feel like I had it easy given the pain some of you guys are in. Still haven't picked up my belongings from the police - can't face it - need to get around to do that.

Good to see that you are all offering your invaluable support to those unfortunates who find themselves here.

[RFLH]

Hi Constant, it will take time, but you'll get there. One day it'll occur to you that you've not thought about if for a day or so and you'll realise that you're on the homeward path.

If you ever discover what normal is I'd love to know!!

[friday]

hi constant, never think that your pain is less than anyone elses or that you shouldn't moan because others are still suffering. your pain is not measured by anyone else's. we can all handle different amounts of pain hence we each have a 'pain threshold' and the pain of a false allegation doesn't end when it is over. in fact i would hazard a guess that once the police stuff/court etc is over the emotions become overwhelming as all the effort put into fighting is (mainly) over giving you more time to think about the 'what ifs' and replay everything in your head. at least that is my experience although i am obviously speaking from the experience of a rape victim not a false allegation victim. post as much or as little as you feel able/want to but never feel you shouldn't.

[witsend]

Dear Constant, so good to hear from you. Normal? what is normal? Remember you have been through an horrendous ordeal and the healing process is going to take a long time. I gather the paranoia seems to be quite normal, our son suffers this as well. After all the emotional effort put into fighting your corner I believe it is only be natural that you will have a lot of mixed feelings, anger, pain, confusion and a multitude of others. just come back here when you feel up to it, even if it is to let us know how you are.

[Saffron]

Great words from Friday. She is absolutely right. Pain is pain, and it doesn;t matter whether others have it "harder". It still hurts.
Don't be ashamed of it. Just make sure you are stronger than it.

[Constant]

I lost it tonight

I never told my wife what happended I never have I told her this was a problem with the revenue and because of what I do for a living she believed me - this made me a liar - usually I dont lie I just do - so tonight we had a fight usual stuff - but I went balistic - even scared myself - I was horrible I know I was - but I couldnt stop I - now I'm locked in my office feeling like **** - Christ I even asked if I could get someone to deal with the ***** who ****ed me up - what is happening - sorry to burden you lot with this **** - but I want to be alone - Friday/Witsend/Saffron/RFLH you have some guts - way beyond what I have - I'm just so ****in tired - wish it would stop . . . . noneed to respond just thought I'd say thanks guys - when I can help let me know -

[Saffron]

Chill out, mate! You will be OK.

I am not condoning being horrible to your partner. However "we" (the collective "we") tend to hurt the people we love the most. We hit out at them because we know (or hope) they will forgive us. Yes, you've been horrible. and you have kept a huge secret from her. But you can pull things back.

My husband also didn't tell me what was going on. He pretended he was going to work, when actually he was at home every day, suspended from his job. I believed him for a while, but then various things made me suspicious and eventually I became convinced that he was having an affair. I confronted him, and he told me he had been accused of rape. The accusation itself was so ridiculous, so monstrous that everything else was driven from my mind.

Of course we have had tough times since. We have got through them, and are stronger for having navigated them. And perhaps you should think about absolute clarity and honesty with your other half? You know her better than anyone....what do you think her reaction would be?

Thinking of you

[Constant]

saffron - -

The point is taken - I will not survive and neither will our relationship if I am "honest" what is honest telling someone you did not get charged with something you did not do - what **** is that - I seem to be getting bitterer every day> Saffron - I assume you read my threads - I feel so silly - you must be gutted - I cant hurt her like that she can hate me but not for that reason it just wont wash and will be cause of all the next rows - I want her to hate me for the right reasons - sorry if this all sounds like ******** - but I cant Smile like it didn t happen - Charlie Chaplin was right XXX

[LS]

Hi Constant, all I can say is that your wife's probably a bit hurt over you hiding this from her, but out of all of us here Saffron's the one who's been in that situation so she's the only one qualified to answer and anything I could say is without experience.

The only thing I can say is that things don't suddenly go back to normal, it takes time and even then not to how it was before. I'm still angry after 4 years, but I've learnt to do other things to keep that person out of my thoughts as much as I can. A thought about her is a wasted thought.
Take life slowly, and don't expect too much, too soon.

[Constant]

Saffron

I should be ashamed - sorry I am pitiful I am ashamed

[LS]

Sorry Constant I read your post wrong. You haven't told her. Okay, well it doesn't come down to being honest or dishonest, particularly. What it comes down to is that you're shouldering all the stress on your own.

Have you thought about sitting her down and telling her what you've been through these last few months, and what you're still going through?

You can't of course say you were not charged with something you didn't do, or you could if you like, but the point is that you're letting her into what's going on in your mind. And she has a right to know if she's sharing her life with you.

No one's blaming you for not telling her, but at some point you need some help and support, and from the sound of it, that time's now. If you think she's going to leave, and only you know her, then does she really know you enough? By the same token, you may be surprised, and a revelation from you might answer questions that might have been rumbling around in her head the last few months.

As Saffron said, she may already have questions, and you never know at the end of the conversation you may find you have a very supportive wife.

[LS]

Constant, you have NO need to be ashamed or pitiful. Sorry our posts crossed.

This is all down to someone else's doing, not yours. DO NOT put the blame all on yourself, which is why you need some support from friends, family and most importantly your nearest and dearest.
Stop blaming yourself. You were not responsible.

[Saffron]

Constant, of course I have read your threads. Please don't feel silly. There is nothing silly about what you have gone through.

I understand why you have not told her. Really I do. I don't underestimate the courage it took for R to tell me what was going on. It was a terrible shock for me. But I wasn't so outraged at his indiscretion/infidelity as I was at our terrible, unforgiving, brutal "justice" system. At the end of the day, he is the man I love and I will support him through thick and thin if I feel he deserves my support. And in this case I felt he did (and still does) deserve my support. Given all that, I am glad he did tell me, because I was able to support him through it.

You are a good man. Yes, you behaved in a foolish way. We all do things we regret. You will be alright. But you need support. If you cannot tell your partner, please talk to someone else. But you need to channel this anger into something positive, or it will destroy you.

Please heed my words. Thinking of you.

[Constant]

yes I was responsible I was a prat I had fun I was a fool of course I'm responsible - if not me then who I hate myself -wow now theres a confession

Sorry all I'm tired but guilty not of rape but of fooliness

[Constant]

R

saffron - R is very lucky I hope you are good