desperately needing reassurance...

[rockbottom]

About four weeks ago my turbulent 18 month relationship came to an abrupt end. For weeks before that i knew it was over, my girlfriends behaviour had become unbearable, from the screaming 'tantrums' over the most innocuous things to the constant horrible insults hurled at me. My family had commented that i had become merely a shell and a shadow of my former self.
The end came when one morning as i left for work my girlfriend got into a rage over, of all things, i didnt get back into bed and give her a cuddle for 5 mins before leaving as i was pushed for time. I left for work and a quarter of a mile down the road i recieved a text message saying she was throwing my stuff out of the windows. I returned to our house fearing what she was doing, as whenever i couldnt bear to be in the house with her any longer and tried to leave, she would threaten to smash up my stuff, televisions, laptop, playstation etc.
On my return to the house, a blazing row ensued before i again tried to leave for work. A little while later i received a call from my sister saying the police had been there looking for me. I went back and presented myself at the police station. I was expecting an allegation of sorts but never imagined what was coming. I was arrested on suspicion of ABH and Rape, in front of my little sister which broke my heart. I was driven to another police station and had to wait until i got there to find out when this 'rape' had occured.
It transpired that she had claimed that i, on returning from a night out with a friend, had raped her in our bedroom on the saturday night 4 days previously. We had indeed had sex, though it was consensual, she had actively participated and even aided me in penetration.
The sex only lasted just a few minutes, as i lost my erection due to the alcohol, though i was drunk i was still in control and my memory of the entire night right up to the point i went to sleep is clear.
I was bailed pending investigation. The police have taken a statement from my friend who was awake downstairs throughout in our tiny maisonette. He was shocked to hear the allegation and has given a lengthy statement to that effect. He has also detailed how he spent half the following day with us, as we interacted normally and happily, cuddling and kissing like any couple. This was actually the happiest day i had spent living in that house as my life had become so depressing with her. My sister has also given a lengthy statement detailing my demeanour in the weeks leading up to the event, and borne witness to the texts and calls i would recieve when i was round there, demanding i return immediately or my stuff will be thrown out/smashed up etc.
Two hours after she made the allegation i was receiving texts from her saying she wanted 'to lay in bed in my arms and forget about all this' along with happy picture messages of the two of us in Paris. The police obviously have my phone so they have these messages. Since then she obtained my new phone number and called me 20 times, telling me she loved me and asking if i still loved her, which to be honest i found a little offensive considering what she has put me through. I made a complaint of harrassment to the police for this.
Since the event my ex girlfriend has been a permanent fixture in the bars of our home town, and has been seen to be laughing and joking, being extrememly flirtatious with numbers of men, and just the other day she went home with a man she had just met and had sex with him.
Everytime she has been out she has approached my nephews father, and not knowing that he and my sister are now good friends, tells him of her worry for my nephew and how she could have my sister in prison for the things she has witnessed. Im not sure what these are, as she rarely would visit my family with me, and my sister is a fantastic mother who im extremely proud of, and my nephew is the most beautiful, happy baby i have ever seen. For this my nephews father has lodged another complaint of harrassment against her.
On the day of my arrest and subsequent interviews i felt fine, my solicitor told me from the start she was not too worried about it. However, the next day and every day since has been an emotional hell. Where i was fit, strong and healthy a few weeks ago, now my body has wasted away as i can barely stand to put food in my mouth and when i do, my stomach will barely take any. Ive had chronic insomnia, and no matter how little sleep i have had, if something wakes me that is me for the day, walking around like a zombie.
I have had suicidal idealisations and wanted to self harm to somehow let my internal pain manifest itself on the surface.
I broke this week and finally went to the doctor and am now being treated for depression, which in my job, the army, potentially could have serious implications.
Even though everyone tells me its ridiculous and will never go to charge, being in the middle is something else.
I seem to have a lot in my corner, especially the witness in the house at the time and the next day, plus she waited four days till a massive row to report it, which looks like an act of spite, a regretful one too from the texts she sent when she had calmed down. The only thing that could possibly support this rape claim is that apparently she had some anal tearage. Though we had been having anal sex fairly frequently and in fact twice after the alleged incident, which i openly told the police.
Im just hoping that someone out there with experience of being in my position or someone with knowledge of rape allegations will be able to look at my situation and advice and hopefully reassure me. I answer my bail in 12 days and i am petrified. I am terrified that the cps will charge and give it a go in court.

[RFLH]

Hi Rockbottom, do you have specialist representation? You should get some that know what they're doing in cases like this - an ordinary legal rep isn't good enough.

If you've read other posts on this site you'll see that there isn't a definitive answer to whether or not this will be carried forward to trial. It really depends on if the CPS considers that there is enough 'evidence' to go against you for a conviction at court.

All I can suggest is to concentrate on yourself for the next 12 days, making yourself ill just makes things seem an awful lot worse, but I do understand how and why you feel this way. Self-harming isn't the way to go - been there and done that, in the long run you end up heaping self-loathing and guilt for doing it on top of everything else you're going through.

I'm pleased that you have good friends and relatives supporting you, its just the thing you need to get you through this.

Please keep coming back and posting, it will help and you'll also get some brilliant advice and support too.

[rockbottom]

As ive not been charged with anything i havent thought much about representation, though im assuming you mean there are barristers who specialise in rape cases?
The allegation itself is very flimsy, and i have a lot backing me up for which im trying to be confident the cps will take no further action, as it seems highly unlikely that 12 people will think i am guilty of this.
Also, there is another witness, an ex work colleague of my ex girlfriend. The night before this alleged rape, she saw him on a night out and told him we had split up, despite me being literally 300m away waiting for her in our house. She flirted with him for a length of time before fully kissing him.
I found out about this and confronted her, after which she attempted a myriad of ridiculous lies to cover herself up.
Knowing my girlfriend to be extremely manipulative and a skilled liar, she has already been on trial for perverting the course of justice, i emailed the man in question who i knew to be an extremely nice guy and i knew id recieve an honest answer.
when she realised she had been found out, she eventually settled on the story that she had been upset and he had tried to kiss her and she had pushed hiim away and come home. This is the story she has told to her family and the police.
what she doesnt know is that the police travelled 200 miles to speak to this person, and they have a true account of her actions as well as the flirtatious text conversation they had the next day. He also has his own experiences of my ex girlfriend, she nearly lost him his job by telling lies to the owner of the pub they worked in, he was the manager.
she even threatened him that i would 'glass him in the face' if he told me, told him i had threatened to 'slit her throat', when all was failing she told him i would beat her up, and went as far as making some superficial scratches/cuts on the inside of her thighs, sending him a picture message showing him that i had been 'cutting her with broken glass'. the police have this entire text conversation also.
this guy is an extremely respectable man, very credible, and a true gentleman, which is why i trusted him to be honest with me, and he is more than willing to go to court if needed to give his opinion of my ex girlfriend, which is far from glowing.
Since i first met my girlfriend, she claimed to have been beaten by her previous boyfriends, and claimed some shocking abuse at the hands of her family, who i didnt meet until months later.
Part of me thinks that if it was to reach court, i believe she would come out of it looking a lot worse than me...

[LS]

hi rockbottom, sorry you had to find us, but glad u did. From reading your account I don't think you've got much to worry about, as you've got more evidence to discredit your accuser than most have.
RFLH was referring to a specialist solicitor, rather than a specialist barrister, I think, as the sol is your point of contact and if they're useless then they'll do silly things.
I speak as someone who had a bog-standard sol who thought he knew it all, and I'd've been better off instructing a barrister myself.

[Saffron]

Hi Rockbottom, sorry you find yourself here.

If your ex has previously been convicted of perverting the course of justice, it sounds as though she does not make a very credible witness. Additionally, the texts she sent saying she wanted to cuddle up with you, and that she still loved you are very important. The police have your phone - how do you know she sent these messages? She has also been ringing you on your new number - keep a record of times and dates and what was said. Keep any text messages or emails she has sent you.

You are right that a solicitor cannot do much until you are charged, (if you are charged) but it is important to get one lined up before that happens.

She sounds like a very troubled woman. Unfortunately, the police will not necessarily see that as a sign that she has made all this up. People with MH problems are seen as vulnerable, and therefore more likely to be abused. However, she appears to have made some pretty wild accusations against all sorts of people. "Victim" status is very powerful. Why does she think she could have your sister sent to prison?

Hang on in there. You did the right thing by going to the doctor, I hope that coming here will also offer you some support and relief.

Saffron

[rockbottom]

Well firstly she wasnt convicted of this perverting the course of justice, i was away in Belize at the time of the trial so i dont really know what happened, whether it was a not guilty verdict or just acquittal due to unable to prove beyond doubt either way.
The texts from her a couple of hours after the allegation were from her mobile phone which was obviously saved on mine. They also have her phone.
Her claims of being able to send my sister are ridiculous and just a vindictive attempt to hurt my family, hence the further report of harrassment thats been made. my sister is of course happy for social services to visit unannounced at any time to check on her beautiful little boy who is the pride and joy of the entire family.
I was sent a link to a chapter of a book online, and reading it brought me to tears as it described my life with my ex to the letter, and answered questions i asked myself all the time i was with her, as why she was behaving like this, how she could be so cruel and spiteful yet at the same time obsessively in love with me. The chapter described borderline personality disorder, but i dont know if it will ever be any use legally as she could probably never be diagnosed unless she was truely honest with a doctor.
My ex girlfriend is an extremely proficient liar, almost compulsive, she lies about everyday things when there is no need to. As i got to know her more intimately i would recognise a lie but would not challenge it as i just didnt want to be up half the night argueing about it. Her own mother once came round our house to confront her about lies she d told, shouting at her that it is 'lies upon lies upon lies with you'. her mum also when speaking to my sister told her that my ex was 'extremely difficult', 'had a screw loose at times' and 'lies roll off her tongue'. all this is in my sisters statement.
my main concerns are that as i have since found out she has been making claims about me for as far back as a year, it appears i am a new chapter in her book of abuse. my ex girlfriend is a highly intelligent, attractive, well spoken girl with a good job. I worry that her skill at lieing will dupe jurors into believing the exterior personality she projects, the one that everyone sees, the one that lured me in and the one that kept me hanging in there so long believing i could make it all better if i gave her what she wanted, like a salesman forever chasing an increased target.
i am however not stupid myself, i can be just as eloquent as her and i am a confident individual not intimidated by public speaking, and with the truth on my side and the tales i have to tell, i feel confident i will not lose to a 'skilled actor'. i will concede that i have not been entirely innocent in this relationship, and will give an honest account of everything i have done. i will never run or hide from any of my past actions, as they are small fry compared to this allegation of rape, a crime which requires a mindset i simply dont possess. i have been considering writing an essay of sorts, detailing my life with her from the second we met right up to today, a completely honest account of our lives together, partly as therapy for myself, and also so if the time comes in court all the finer details wont have slipped from my memory.
i will even submit this piece of writing to the courts if admissable.
One further point, my ex has embarked on somewhat of a slur campaign in our home town, candidly telling anyone who will listen how i have 'beaten and raped her'. If this allegation does not go to charge, which it shouldnt, how do i stand legally on this?

[RFLH]

get your solicitor to write her a letter, go to the police and just create as much fuss as she is doing.

[Saffron]

I think that writing an essay would be good therapy for you. You don't need to share it with anybody if you don't want to, but it could help get your head straight. Interestingly, many genuine survivors of rape use this kind of therapy - they write a letter to their attackers, and then burn it. It's about getting the thoughts out of your head and then destroying them.

With regard her smear campaign - don't do anything until the rape charge is dropped. Then by all means instruct a sol to write a letter stating that she is slandering you. If she carries on, report her to the police for harrassment.

Let us know how you get on.

[rockbottom]

thanks for the advice today, ive been on these forums for weeks and finally decided to ask for help today.
i had already decided to wait until after the 28th when hopefully im not charged on this rape allegation before instructing my solicitor on this slander issue. i have also found an impressive firm online who specialise in serious cases like this and should the unthinkable happen and im charged i will be instructing them to represent me.

[new hope]

Hello

Hello desperatetly needing reassurance as was said before me you have alot of text messages and phone calls from your x, keep them all as they may prove to be vital if it ever makes it to court which I doubt, the girl that accused me had a previous criminal record for assault and all of this would come into it in court I presume! sorry to hear that you are going trough this but try to keep busy and I know its almost impossible but try not to think of it as much as you can, also I think that coming back to this site helps alot as the guys know what there talking about and it helps to know your not alone!

[Rights Fighter]

Two hours after she made the allegation i was receiving texts from her saying she wanted 'to lay in bed in my arms and forget about all this' along with happy picture messages of the two of us in Paris. The police obviously have my phone so they have these messages. Since then she obtained my new phone number and called me 20 times, telling me she loved me and asking if i still loved her, which to be honest i found a little offensive considering what she has put me through. I made a complaint of harrassment to the police for this.

Obviously this is evidence and must be preserved.

Her previous history of lying and police involvement should be put if this matter gets to trial, although the Crown might fight to stop this. If they do then it is up to a good defence barrister to make a formal application to the judge with a good legal argument.

Having said that I would be surprised to see this get to trial. If it is NFA'd I would seriously consider contacting your local CPS direct in relation to a possible prosecution for PCJ because she has obviously done this before, self harming in the process, which makes it "in the public interest".

[rockbottom]

Rights Fighter,
many thanks for your advice and comment, the police have both our mobile phones so the texts are held as evidence.
when i reported the subsequent calls, i had made a written log of the call times, durations and brief descriptions of what she had said. The police did not ask to see my phone, though the call logs are still there, though she did withhold her number. I am going to contact the police tomorrow to see what action was taken on this report, she may have admitted making the calls so there was no need to take my phone.
at first all i wanted was for this all to go away, however as time has passed this no longer seems enough for my family and i. this has destroyed me, i am being treated for depression now, and although i am coping better than i was in the initial weeks, i still have times where my mood plummets, as recently as last night i felt an almost overwhelming need to self harm, i yearned for the physical pain, though i did not carry it out as i was able to stop myself from crossing this line that would inevitably lead to more misery.
what i fear is that when i answer my bail on the 28th, i will be told that there is to be no further action, against me or my ex girlfriend. what is the criteria that has to be met for the CPS to pursue a prosecution of my ex girfriend? Does she have to retract her statement or can she be prosecuted simply on the police's belief that this rape never occurred?
What worries me is that although there is a lot to suggest that this rape didnt occur, there isnt really any solid proof that it didnt.
regardless if this allegation is NFA'd, which i pray it will and everyone expects it to, i already have been given a life sentence, i will never escape the stigma this allegation brings, there will be an element of social ostracism in my small hometown in which she has begun spreading this accusation, candidly telling anyone who will listen maybe trying to give her story social standing.

[Casehardened]

i already have been given a life sentence, i will never escape the stigma this allegation brings, there will be an element of social ostracism in my small hometown in which she has begun spreading this accusation, candidly telling anyone who will listen maybe trying to give her story social standing.

This 'spreading the news' is a recurring pattern in false allegations and people in the know will realise this, so it is well worth bringing this to the attention of the OIC if they aren't already aware.

However the vast majority of folks take a more simplistic view, (not knowing what we all now know about the time factors) i.e. if you're guilty, you'll be arrested & put in prison immediately.

If they see you walking around looking relaxed & cheerful (even though this is a facade covering inner turmoil) they will instinctively assume you're innocent (though you might get little comments expressing how surprised they are to see you!)

[quinnb]

[QUOTE=Saffron;9134]I think that writing an essay would be good therapy for you. You don't need to share it with anybody if you don't want to, but it could help get your head straight. Interestingly, many genuine survivors of rape use this kind of therapy - they write a letter to their attackers, and then burn it. It's about getting the thoughts out of your head and then destroying them.

There is a special word for it - it is called CARTHESIS! - I used that a lot, but it also got me into trouble as what I wrote was read and God the reaction I got was just so OTT! - So yes do write but be careful who reads it.

[rockbottom]

I have just recieved a distressed call from my younger sister, she has heard that my ex is claiming i am to be charged and this will appear in court in around 6months. Could this be true? Would the CPS release this information to her before my bail date is due on the 28th? Please advise?
I was placed on the suicide risk register this morning already and now im worried sick......