Worried Girlfriend

[Flower]

Hi everyone!
I am not to sure why I joined this site, I gusse i am just in need of some friendly support!!
about 7 years ago, I was dating a boy, this did'nt last long as we were young and lived over 4 hours away from eachother, two years ago he moved back my town and we got back together. afew weeks into our relationship he told me he has been falsely accused of rape, (while we were apart) He was out one night with his two sisters and ended up going home with this girl, she does not remember much about the night, but he remebers everything and said that they had sex, which both of them concented to. He was shocked when two days later he arrested for Rape. I trust and love this man, (always have) so i have stayed with him. We have not really spoke about the case much as it has taken over 3 years to make it to a court date. (court date is now only 3 weeks away). I am not really looking for legal advise, as his sister and mother have been looking after that side of things for the past 3 years.
I gusse im looking for some support advise for him, he does'nt like to talk about it and is very embarrassed about everything. I have told him I want to be at the court to hear what is said, he is afaird that when I hear the details I'll leave him, I dont think my mind could be changed that easily, but im not sure what to expect? I have not told anyone about this, as do not want people talking or thinking bad about him, but I feel so alone and scared for him. His name has not been mentioned in papers as of yet, but people in his local town know about the charges, I just spent afew days up at his home and even felt this dad thinks im nuts for getting involed in all this, but I truly belive he is a good man.
I understand my post is alot different then many of the others, but Im a young girl, who has always had friends advise to go on, but can not turn to them when I truly need them..
can anyone tell me how I help him, How I should act or what the hell I should do, Im near breaking point. He did not do this and this girl has ruined his life, I just want to do the right thing by him.

I would also like to thank this forum, from what I have read these posts have really helped people. Mine is more of a moan ..sorry

[RFLH]

Hi flower, your chap is a very lucky man to have you a lot of girls would run a mile.

All I can say is be there for him, if he doesn't want you inside the courtroom, wait outside so he knows you're supporting him. You may hear something useful if you're outside - a lot of people think that no-one else can hear what they say to other people, you could pick up useful information that could help.

Please keep coming back to post, it'll help you and I'm sure that others will be along shortly to add to advice and help for you.

[LS]

Hi Flower, RFLH is right in that many gf's run for the hills - had my last gf do exactly that so again your guy's a lucky guy, and you're a special person for having the integrity to follow your conscience.
As long as you trust him then anything said in these wonderful dens of iniquity (otherwise known as british courts) shouldn't make any difference to you or your feelings towards him, as you know him for Him, not who others think he is. The best advice I can give is to be yourself around him, as you're clearly a person of strong character and responsibility and supportiveness is in your personality so you're already doing all the right things.
Good luck to you both and I hope all goes right for you.

[Saffron]

Hi Flower

First of all, don't apologise! Yours is not "a moan". Supporting someone who is FA is tough, and so kudos to you.

At my husband's trial I wanted to hear every shred of evidence. Our defence barrister asked me to be a witness, but R (my hub) said he would rather I was there in the public gallery supporting him, so that is what I did. If I had been a defence witness I would not have been able to sit and listen to the prosecution evidence. Perhaps that was the wrong decision. To this day I wonder whether my evidence would have made a difference to the jury. But our "barrister" (I use the word loosely, because he was RUBBISH) said that my evidence was not pivotal, so R and I agreed that I wouldn't take the stand.

Anyway, I digress. If you believe in your heart of hearts that your man is innocent, then I would say be there in the public gallery to support him. Juries notice this sort of thing.

You will probably hear some "evidence" that is not particularly palatable to you....things such as where he is supposed to have touched her, what he is supposed to have done, etc. This is probably why your BF is nervous about you hearing everything. But if you can be a little detatched, whilst still being emotionally involved, you will be OK.

Personally, my hub's "indiscretion" was minor compared to the outrage of the injustice levelled against him. I could forgive and forget, and as far as I was/am concerned, the only person who has the right to judge him for that "indiscretion" is me. No-one else. What I cannot forgive is the terrible injustice that he, I and our beautiful son were subjected to.

So, in summation: If you can do this, do it. You will emerge stronger and better than before. Me and R certainly did, and our story had the worst possible outcome....wrongful conviction...as did other members here.

So stay strong and keep your head high. Let us know how you get on.

Best

Saffron

[Flower]

Thank you so much Saffron,LS and RFLH.
your kind words have really given me the boost i needed.
Ls; i will be takeing your advise to be myself, as I think he really needs to laugh and joke with me and most of all know I am not ashamed or scared of him. (this seems to be an issue of his). I think if I was in his postion, I would want someone to kiss me and hold me and let me no that my partner belives me not only in words but in a physical way also. By the way, your ex girlfriend is a very silly girl, she juged before she knew, you sound like a great guy...your better off without her. I hope things have or will work out better for you.
Saffron; I will also be taking your advise am I truly believe in my heart that he is innocent, and feel that knowing what is said will help me deal with what ever happens after the trial. Last night we booked a sun holiday for the week after...wishful thinking I know! but I think we both needed something to focus on. Even though he has knowen about this for 3 years and I have knowen for 2, the trail date has come as a real shock and everything looks so real plus scary. Saffron, I am so sorry to hear that your "R" was wrongfully convicted, but can I please ask, how did you deal with other people when this happened. I am so sacred of my parents finding out (should be the lest of my worries) but I have always tryed so hard not to let them down, and these days they think very highly of myself and my boyfriend (which they should becouse he is a great person) If his name is in the papers, everything will change, I don't think he will cope with that. I know he loves being around me and living down in my town, because he can pretend everything is normal, everyone takes him as he is and respect him (the fear of loosing peoples respect worries him), any advice on how to deal with other people and the jugements they will make?
RFLH; your comments made me smile!! I wish I could tell him, that you called him a lucky man! (he'd be hurt if he new I joined this forum, I dont want him to know how upset this whole thing has made me)
your advice to be outside the court with my ears open is very interesting, I will keep it in mind, but I think for me, and the type of person I am, I need to see and hear facts. I cant really explain why this is so important to me, but I need to look at this girl, I need to hear her lie ...gusse it might be closure of the anger I feel for her. at first I felt pitty (that she needed to lie for attention or something) but has time as gone on and I see the worry on my boyfriends face and his mothers, I just see red. I have no intention of showing this anger on the day but it is very much so alive and kicking inside.

Ha! I feel great after that big rant!! Im going home straight away, to give my boyfriend a kiss!! as my happy care free moan might not last to long!!
Thank you evryone, I really hope in May I can come back here and give you all good news, and I wish everyone that is either being accused or supporting someone that has been accused the very best of luck with everything.

[LS]

Hi Flower, thank you for the kind words for all who responded. Rest assured we'll want to share the good news with you, and if the unthinkable should happen we'll also be here help, support and comfort as much as we can.
Keeping fingers crossed for you.

[Casehardened]

Hi Flower,

I am just going to pick out one of your boyfriends worries; that of the papers getting hold of his name when the trial starts.

This is something I have had to give a lot of thought to and I eventually concluded that this sort of news is a nine day wonder. I am now fairly interested in any local court cases reported in the local paper involving sexual offences but despite this, whilst I can remember the details of what happened, I can't remember any names or addresses of the defendants. I am certain that this will be the case for most people reading about the trial and fortunately the papers soon move on to fresh news.

Obviously it will stick in the minds of those who know your boyfriend personally but they will probably know already or will shortly find out. Similarly his neighbours will be very interested but that problem can be solved by moving away.

Unless he is a local celebrity I am sure that that it will go quiet after a couple of weeks though I guess it would be sensible to stay indoors while the trial is taking place.

As everyone else has said, well done for supporting him, this will be so important to him.

[fightforjustice]

Hi Flower,

Just want to show my support for you. Found myself in the same position unfortunately. My boyfriend was accused by his ex wife of raping her daughter when she was 9. This is complete lie and I know that he is not capable of anything like that. He is honest and kind man and he always helps everybody around him. But she just wants a revenge for leaving her (even though it was her fault) and is out to completely destroy his life. He is now on bail after being arrested and interviewed and we will go to police station in couple of weeks to find out what is going to happen.
So just want to wish you guys good luck and keep positive even though sometimes it might be difficult.

[LS]

As Casehardened said, stay out of the limelight during the case. What I have to add as well is to try to avoid being photographed, as that is worse. Photographers will try to get you outside the court, as they're not allowed to publish any picture with you inside the court, so they have to wait until you're on the steps or in any event outside the doors.
What I found really bad was that at my local court, the car park was directly opposite the doors, and the photographer merely set up a camera on a tripod in front of his car aimed at the doors and sat in the car operating it by remote control. It was soo easy to be pictured without being aware of it that it must have been like shooting fish in a barrel.

[Flower]

Web of lies.

Boyfriend is meeting with the legal team today, everything kicks off in 7 days.
Its crazy to think that the events of one week could destroy our lives. Girl that accused boyfriend is now pregnant (Not my Boyfriends, as all this **** happened 3 years ago) but you never know she might have lied about this too.
All the above advice has been great and it has kept me afloat for the past few weeks, but today I just don't see any light. I realised yesterday that if the worst happens(He goes to jail) I have no plan (I live by plans) I know the first thing I should be focusing on is if the worst happens, what will happen him. But I keep thinking about myself (selfish), I keep thinking I'm going to be left to answer millions of questions. No1 at all no's about this, what if a picture is taken or if the worst happens (he goes to jail) and a big story is written, what then, how do I explain this to everyone. How I knew, how I lied to my parents,family and friends (they all think I'm working away 4m home next week) He keeps telling me, his family will look after me, but I cant just disappear like that. and then I start thinking about him, if he goes to prison; will he change, how long will he have to be away, could we still be together after all this, and so on and so on. We have booked a stupid sun holiday for the week after, this was meant to give us hope...I DON'T FEEL HOPEFUL.

Do people not understand the damage they do with their lies, can they not see how many peoples life's they destroy.
Their she is now, with a nice boyfriend and a baby on the way. seminally she doesn't even have to show up at court (heavens forbid we disturb her perfect life)

How come someone like that gets all she wants in life and has her happy ever after, and the people that her viscous lies have destroyed are left to rot.

[RFLH]

Hi flower, its just as hard for the one left behind as it is for the one that goes away.

We sorted out everything, in fact we made a 'Book of Everything' where all details for house insurance, mortgage details, gas, electric etc were written, passwords for the computer. I found this invaluable.

It'll keep you busy for a while and thinking about something else.

Whatever happens you will get through this, if it does make the papers, hold your head up high and tell everyone that he's innocent and a liar has made this happen.

As my gran used to say - todays news is tomorrows chip wrapper!

[LS]

Hi Flower, sorry you're feeling down. What I would draw strength from is that there are many inconsistencies in her story, and it may well come across to the jury. As she's an adult, the jury won't have the option of being taken in by her being a child. Your legal team sound hopeful which is great too.
You've got a lot of worries, esp about telling your family. It may be wiser to tell them sooner rather than later, otherwise they'll think you've covered up because he's guilty. Also, there's never anything wrong in telling the truth - if the family have issues with it, then that is their issue, not yours, and it would be quite wrong for them to hold it against you.
You never know, they may be supportive, which is what you need at the moment. That is, support for You, as it is you they need to support. If that extends to your b/f if they know him well enough, then great too.
Support is an awfully large burden to hold on your own shoulders.
Lastly, we're all here and if ranting helps, rant on....

[Flower]

RFLH, I like the idea of a book! But i don't think the boyfriend will go for it. Unlike me he's not a planner, he's always giving out to me saying what will happen will happen all the worring in the world wont change that!! blaa blaa blaa !!! im just so lost today, when I close my eyes, i picture us being apart of some cheesy film. Wife/Girlfriend screaming out while inacent man gets dragged away down to the dark cellars!
LS, I'm from a very old fashioned family, both my parents are elderly, I'm 100% sure they won't understand, they will be heartbroken over the whole thing. Everything is such a mess. I cant handle much more, how can I tell him everything will be ok, when i dont belive it myself. He has such a great attitude happy happy happy, sometimes I just wanna hit him, things are'nt happy Im not happy, this whole thing is a nightmare.
I would'nt be putting myself through this if I did'nt 1005 belv he is inacent, I love him with all my heart and he is a wonderful person, but right now I wanna find the exit door!

I dont really mean that, I love him, but this is without dought the hardist thing i've ever had to go through.
Words are'nt even helping today!

[LS]

Sorry. I get that your folks are elderly and won't understand, but what I mean is how will they react if he goes down?
Perhaps his being happy happy happy is how he is, and you should draw from it. There's a lot to be said for living the here and now (happy) and let later take care of itself. After all, the main thing you can do is be around. That in itself is a huge benefit.

[Flower]

I think when it come's to my parents, if he goes down or not the fact that he has be accused will be enough to send them over the edge. They will more then likly tell me he is no longer welcome in the house and include me in that if I choose to stay with him. I agree telling them now would be better then them finding out later, but if their is some small chance that they wont find out would it be stupid of me to take that chance? I get that my boyfriend being happy happy happy is a good thing, keeps him positive ect, the way he deals with everything is amazing, am in awe of him. he really is quite amazing! he never moans or gets upset, he just plows on!! He gets upset if I get upset, and i really do try to keep things together but today all i can see is gray.

Im scared that if the worst happens,I wont be able to answer question correctly , explain myself and my boyfriends side of things, he is always the strong one, the one that protects me, if he's gone, i'll be the one protecting him, am i really strong enough to do that?

sorry maybe im not making sence!! Everything is being blurted out ther so please bear with my outragous rant!