A question for discussion: Is it possible to still be friends with your rapist?

[Lunar Eclipsus]

Hello guys and gals.

Someday soon I am going to type out a whole complicated story that had happened in a span of 1 1/2 - 2 years whenever I get the time here. (the "climax" happening about 6-7 months ago). Ultimately, the result was a termination of a friendship of mine. I was not the one that was raped, by the way.

But yes, the question I want to ask is: Do you think it is possible to to still try and be friends with the person that raped you?

In a nutshell, the friendship between the friend and I ended because I had doubts about her really being raped (By my boyfriend's best friend) . She explained to me the night it happened...but then after that day, she would still talk to him online, talk to me about how she thought he was cute and would still consider dating him, went to his apartment and even to the movies, alone. She even did this while being with her boyfriend (and she told him about this guy supposedly raping her) and then gets upset when he gets mad at her for trying to hang out with the guy she accused of raping her, saying that "We were just going as friends"

ALSO, she tried to get one of my other friends to date him , telling her that "he's good in bed" and whatnot. But when we got in that argument a few months ago and I asked her about this, she told me she did that because "I was letting her know it wasn't a competition and that she could have him if she wanted". How is that logical? That shouldn't even be a thought...the first thing that should've been said was "No, he's dangerous. Stay away from him"

Then something happened awhile after that (which I will go into detail in another thread whenever I get the chance to type everything out) that pretty much made her hate the guy's guts and want to really say it was rape. She threatened taking it all to court...but, yeah.

Ultimately, I just want to try and understand...I do understand that not all rape victims react the same after the event and that every girl is different. But really...? I haven't gone through that experience before so I do not know how I would 100% react/deal with the situation but I do not see how you could possibly even be in the presence of the guy that would so such a thing to you without being filled with anger or depression. I just don't see how you could even fathom the idea of friendship...unless it wasn't really rape at all =(

I really wanted to actually find a counselor or somebody to TRY and understand the psychological effects of rape on women...because like I said, it bothers the hell out of me that I will never really be able to put myself in my friend's shoes of what she claimed happen. I also feel bad that even 6-7 months later after the big argument, that I still feel like a lot of things in that situation doesn't add up.

[Saffron]

Sounds like a very odd situation to me.
Survivors of rape can react very differently. Some try to block out what happened and carry on as normal and some completely break down. Some can't bring themselves to report it and some march immediately to the police station.

I know of one survivor who was raped by her husband's best friend. She kept it secret from her husband for years, because she was very drunk at the time and had passed out. Therefore she felt partly to blame. She also felt very guilty that she'd had sex with her partner's best mate, even though it wasn't consensual. As a result she had to carry on being "friends" with this man.

However, this girl has not kept it a secret and has told you and her boyfriend about the attack, while still remaining friendly with her alleged attacker. This is the part that sounds strange to me. If they share a circle of friends, then you would expect them to bump into each other from time to time, but actively going to his house and out on "dates" doesn't sound right to me.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

So, in a nutshell I can't really answer your question.

[friday]

i could kind of understand if she was trying to play down what a big deal it was. i could understand if by "staying friends" she was making her denial of the impact stronger but i find it very difficult to imagine that there could be any real friendship. i'm not saying it is impossible but i certainly think it is very unusual.

if she blamed herself and had made up some excuse for him (of which there is none) like he was drunk/he didn't know it was rape or she didn't think it was aa "real" rape (i.e. stranger jumps out from behind the trees) then she may feel she has no "right" to feel victimised.

maybe she is trying to erase the rape by having a consensual relationship. i can't possibly know why your friend is staying friends with someone who raped her, or even if she was really raped.

you could ask her why she has stayed friends with him? but if you are not really her friend anymore that isn't a possibility. if you want to know the effects of rape you could have a read of some of the posts on here. but, as with most things, you can learn and understand about rape and the aftermath but only experiencing it gives you the full picture. if your friend has been raped then learning more about the effects will help you understand her behaviour and support her but there will be things you just won't be able to get your head around.

everyone responds to rape differently. some people do not want to have sex with anyone (even their partner) while others become promiscuous, feeling sex has no meaning or there is no point saying no. some people have a sudden breakdown after the event while others suffer a delayed reaction. some people have nightmares/flashbacks for a short while, others have them for many years. some people have physical effects like an enhanced startle response while others seem outwardly unaffected. not all people react in the same way in any given situation. some people cry at funerals while others laugh so of course people react differently to rape.

[Lunar Eclipsus]

Yeah, she didn't really keep it much to herself really. She actually talked to a few other friends of mine about if it was rape or not. And friday, now that you mention that I guess I can see that happening. Maybe that's what she was going through. And I did ask her why she stayed friend with him, and her answer(s) were:

- "I felt like out (her and I) friendship was going to end since it seemed like I wasn't able to hang out with you a lot. "(I don't really understand this because my bf's friend was over all the time at all. Like he would come over in maybe like 2-3 week gap. Since I live 4 houses down from my boyfriend, we would all just go chill at his house most of the time, btw) This made me feel guilty because I didn't like hearing that she would put herself through that kind of traumatic pain because of that...

- "I did have feelings for him because he was charming and was just...a really nice guy" They pretty much met because my bf's friend saw a picture of her on Myspace and wanted to meet her. I told her about this and she was psyched. SO yeah, we were all kinda hoping it would work out so we could do double dates and stuff (One of my best friends with one of his best friends kinda thing) But, oh man...if I had known things like this would happen...

- She did say at one point that he "convinced" her it wasn't a big deal and therefore stopped thinking about the possibility of rape. She said that he kept saying "He didn't remember" or something. Which conflicts with what she said at first when she told me he kept apologizing, so he had to remember whatever happened, right?

(Those are all the reasons I remember her telling me)

Specifically what happened the first time she claimed he raped her...We were all having a party at my boyfriend's house. Me and others had went outside to talk and chill, my friend was in the bathroom when we went, and my bf's friend was pretty much just sitting in the chair watching TV inside. Everyone's been drinking a lot. While the rest of us were outside, he apparently "stumbled" over to her and they both started making out hardcore.

I remember her telling me that she was feeling really vulnerable at that point in time. So at first, she didn't really try to resist it all, cause she figured that maybe it would make everything better. But then he started leading her to the bedroom, then she started feeling unsure about it. I'm confused about whether he "coerced" her or literally pulled her (because she kinda kept altering her story over time) but they eventually made it to the bed.

They started making out again, and he tried to lay her on the bed but I guess they were too into the moment and he accidentally ("accidentally eventually changed to intentionally as the months pass by in her words) made her hit her side on some part of the bed. She ended up getting a really large and grotesque bruise later. And yeah, other sexual stuff happened that I don't feel like is appropriate to describe here.

(FROM MY VIEW) I see them both walk outside to join us. She looked alright, but there was a hint of something in her face that seemed like something was wrong. But she didn't tell me about it til' the next day. She showed me the bruise and I looked shocked and asked her "What the hell happened?" She explained this whole story to me. She never told me at that time that she had said "no" at any point in that though. She didn't say she did until we got into that argument 6-7 months ago. She told me a few days later (back to the incident) that my bf's friend kept asking her if she was okay and that he didn't mean to hurt her (when she also showed him the bruise from seeing him later on).

(FROM HER VIEW. She told me this part in the argument months ago): Before they got to the bedroom and they were making out, and when he started leading her to the room, she said that she told him no but he still pulled her to the bed room. She said she grabbed the edges of the door to resist from being pulled in, but he pried her off and threw her on the bed (how she got the bruise) She still went ahead and made out with him and eventually did other stuff that he forced her to...and yeah...

When she told me this, I seriously was about to first talk to my boyfriend about it and then have him confront his friend about it. But then a while later she talked to me about (casually, and she told me not to tell anyone) that she went to his apartment alone to watch a movie with him and hang out. Apparently, after the movie was over, they kinda fooled around a bit, and eventually my bf's friend was like "Do you wanna go have sex?" She said she said no (or at least tried to not look interested) but he grabbed her hand and they both went up to his room. She said he took the time to put on a condom first, and then they had sex. She said she kinda just...laid there and didn't really move much during the whole thing. At the end of it, he saw the look on her face and asked her if she was okay. She just nodded. He just said "Sorry..." and got up. Then she just left.

(along with the movie theater and whatnot I mentioned she went to with him, alone) She lastly told me about how she snuck out of the house at 2-3am in the morning to see him. (He drove to her house) She got in the car and they talked for awhile about whatever, then eventually he tried to make out with her. (Before telling her all kinda of compliments and how he thinks she's cute, etc) Yadda, yadda. At first she's buying it I guess but then at some point she wants to go home so he takes her back (its about 4-5am now)

So maybe something really did go down and she DID try to just "fix" everything by thinking everything was normal, I dunno...Another thing that contributed to my doubts about the situation was with what happened with another friend of mine and this dude (I'm just gonna call her "friend B" to not confuse)

After me and friend A (the one that this whole thing is about) had that argument and stopped talking 6-7 months ago, me, my boyfriend, his best friend, and my friend B went to a club and had a good night. We eventually came back to my apartment/dorm on campus and we drank more. Friend B doesn't usually drink often at all (same with me) and so it doesn't take her much to get drunk.

And til' this day I WISH I didn't just let her sleep out in the living room. But its not a big place at all, so me and my boyfriend had my bed and his best friend and my friend had to sleep on the couch and chair. From what Friend B told me, she said was standing up trying to turn off the TV when he grabbed her with his legs and pulled her down on the couch. She was a little caught off guard by this, but she was a little out of it and just went ahead and made out with him. Eventually they have sex on the couch. Her exact words were "He wasn't aggressive about it all. He was actually really gentle and asked if I was alright throughout" Though, I guess the alcohol started wearing off, she realizes she's not wanting to do this anymore. She looks him in the eyes and says "Can we stop? I don't want to do this anymore."

He says "Okay. I'm sorry" and he simply stops. They sit around for a few minutes. She said she saw that he started looking really depressed and ashamed or something. This is where my boyfriend walks out of my room to get some water to drink and in the dark he sees my friend asleep on the couch, though his friend has already gathered up his things and was heading out the door.

Yeah, later she tells me about this incident. Then kind of out of the blue she says " I...honestly don't believe friend A anymore. I can't see him raping anyone. He was way too gentle with me." Then after all that, a few days later she tells me that she was feeling really depressed about something and she was talking to him through text, he suggested that she comes over. She does and they have sex again. She told me though that she willingly went over there with that intent. Thus reinforcing her feeling that she doesn't see him as a rapist.

Its obvious that these things seems to happen when he's consumed way too much alcohol. (He actually has a problem with his liver because of it). But when he is not drinking he's a hilarious and...pretty good guy. So this frightens me yet confuses me a little bit...He's not the BEST guy out there obviously, if anything I would say he's quite the womanizer. (Which is not good either, but to me, it seems natural for guys to be like that. I live in the US btw) But I can't go as far as saying he's a rapist now that my other close friend has told me this.

Not only that but her and other friends had similar doubts to mine, which only fueled me in the argument (since at first I thought it was just me thinking these things) Friend B also told me that after awhile, friend A and the dude slowly stopped talking all together, and friend A told her "I don't understand. We were SUPPOSE to be dating. That's why we met in the first place...but I guess its not meant to work out"

There's a lot more to the story but I'm gonna stop here since this post is already long enough...