wife of accused

[goldfish]

I am pleased to hear there have been some sensible outcomes for some members of this forum, I feel for those still going through this ordeal.

for any one in Scotland they may be interested to know that there is an appeal going through the Supreme Court on whether a suspect detained by the police has a right to have a solicitor present from their first interview with the police. Apparently unlike the rest of the UK, Scotland doesn't have this law in place. Police are allowed to interview people for 6 hours after only giving them their basic rights to remain silent etc. The appeal is being lead by Jodie Blackstock, (www.justice.org.uk) Justices senior Legal Officer and other solicitor /Advocates. They claim that the law in Scotland is in breach of the European Convention on human Rights. Other countries in Europe have had to take note of this and change their laws accordingly. More detailed info can be found on their website.

I read over the weekend that the Crown are now giving police guidelines on informing suspects of this right in order to 'minimise the risk' pending the outcome of this appeal. Cases still pending could be thrown out if the prosecutions main argument against a suspect is based on their first police interview which could be argued as being unsafe due to unwilling 'confessions' and lack of knowledge of the legal sytem, for various reasons.

This has given my husband a glimour of hope but meantime like others here we are still in this endless nightmare. We are still waiting for information from the Procurator Fiscal's office. Don't know if thats a good sign or not as if this goes to court it has to in less than 4 months or it will be dropped.

[goldfish]

Hi Everyone

It,s been 4 months since I last posted. I have been trying to stay positive and carry on with family life as normal as possible hoping this would all come to some sort of conclusion but unfortunatly it hasn't. A year has passed now and still no confirmation of a trial, if or when. My husband received his indictment a short while back and his 1st prelimary hearing was cancelled at the last minute, so we are waiting for the next one.
The CPS are just beginning to investigate things that should have been done at the very beginning. It makes me so furious.
I am trying to stay positive for my husband and hope someone sees through the lies of his accuser. It is very hard, my husband is near breaking point. I finally got him to see a doctor which he said was a waste of time, as he came away with anti - depressants which he didn't want.
Has anyone any suggestions on what I could suggest to him? I am seriously worried about his health and well being.

[worriedfather]

Hi Goldfish
Sorry that you and your husband are in this situation. First i would suggest that your husband takes the anti-depressants, they are there to help him cope, i have been on them for about 6 months. My son was arrested and charged very quickly like your husband, we actually made it to court only to have the trial put back 6 months as Plod and the CPS had "forgotten" to tell us that my sons accuser had made a previous accusation that was dropped. I think that they hoped that we would ignore it.
All you can do is go through the "evidence" and point out the stuff that doesnt add up. Role play for the interviews helps. Good luck

[witsend]

Hi goldfish
I would like to back up what worried Father said, try to get your husband to take the anti-depressants, for me they were a godsend, I even ended up on Valium as well, no way could I have coped without them. How are YOU coping? Trying to stay strong supporting somebody through this ordeal is SO hard. We know our loved ones best and to see them accused of something you know they didn't do is soul destroying, but somehow we do it, you dig your heels in and do the things you have to do, BUT the worry is ALWAYS there. If you find things are getting too much for you ring the Samaritans, I did, and still do, they are really good listeners and non-judgmental. Thinking of you

[largactyl1]

Hi Goldfish, I am new to this forum - I am currently supporting a close friend through this hideous experience.

If the Doc has given your husband anti-depressants then s/he obviously feels that he needs them. There are a number of pointers that a doc. will consider before prescribing - I think it's called the Glasgow Scale (Can't remember).

Anti-depressants take a couple of weeks to kick in and then simply allow the amount of serotonin in the brain to balance out to what it should be. Serotonin is one of the chemicals in the brain which helps with mood - it becomes depleted when a person has a long period of stress.

It also helps the brain get to the point where counselling can be helpful for your husband (and maybe you as well - you seem to be carrying a lot), as you are lost in this horrible limbo where you are powerless and have been for such a long time - just talking about anger, frustration, fear, hurt etc with someone who you don't know can be very helpful.

My friend, A. has a nurse to talk it over with once a week which he finds helpful. Although he can talk to me and my husband, he finds there are elements he can't talk to his family about (too sordid) - doubtless he probably edits somethings he says to me too. Most of the time though he has it in his head 24/7. I talk to him daily so at least for an hour it's coming out instead of staying in if you see what I mean. He is also writing a lot of things down - relevant points, feelings all sorts. It has been helping him a lot - took a while for him to get into it as he's a sort of man man - doesn't talk about feelings easily if you know what I mean.

Very best wishes

Jen

[friday]

medication is useful but it isn't the only thing that can help. have you discussed why he doesn't want to take meds? it may be that there is a way around it for example if he is worried about the side effects there are other meds with different and more tolerable side effects. if he is worried about personality changes he could read patient reviews or discuss it with his doctor. if he feels taking medication makes him weak then perhaps talking about the fact this is not a normal situation so it is no suprise he needs extra help and the fact depression effects the brain so it is now a physical illness resulting from a psychological cause. you get the idea...

if he is completely against meds then there are some good books based on cbt techniques that have exercises to work through to challenge thoughts. one that springs to mind is 'mind over mood'. the gp may be able to refer him for a short course of cbt or counselling either from the nhs (usually at the gp surgery) or a charity (such as mind).

there are always options it is just sometimes difficult to find them if you don't know what to look for or where to look.

[Saffron]

Hi Goldfish

I can't really add anything to the advice others have already given, but I wanted to say that I am thinking of you.
Make sure you take care of yourself too. You are being very brave and strong, but we all have a breaking point.

Best

Saffron

[goldfish]

Thank you all for replying. It's good to know there are others who will take the time to help. I think for the last few months I have been trying to be too strong and deal with this myself but it's not working and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

My husband is a manual worker and needs to drive machinery regularly so is worried about the effect medication would have on him. He rarely takes pills, even headache ones. I think he needs to talk to someone, so I was disappointed the doctor never suggested that. Maybe if he takes the prescribed medication he could go back to him later. The Samaritans is something to consider. Has anyone taken private counselling?

I have just bought some relaxation tapes and ones to reduce anxiety and stress. They seem good to me. I will try to get my husband to try them. I do have a book on CBT but I'm not sure he would read it.
On a positive note we have managed to survive a year with this looming in the background, how I don't know.

[witsend]

Dear Goldfish
We managed to get 8 weeks of free counseling for our son with MIND, you can find out about it on their website. She talked things through with our son and taught him some relaxation techniques. The antidepressants I'm on made me drowsy in the morning for about half an hour but that wore off after about a week. Goldfish, have you thought of support for yourself? If you are like me i thought I was going out of my mind with worry at times and if it hadn't been for my GP and talking to the Samaritans, and OF Course, this place, I truly think I would have gone insane. When I found this place i was relieved, and shocked, that so many were going through the same thing, we thought we were alone. Try to look after yourself. Thinking of you

[worriedfather]

Hi Goldfish
I agree with Witsend, i have been on anti-depressants for about 6 months and apart from feeling drowsy for the first week have had no ill effects, i time mine so that i take it after work and i dont have to drive until the morning, i am starting to feel much better. It does help

[friday]

i've been a bit of a medication guinea pig for the last 4 years so if you know which ones or types have been suggested i can probably give some advice.

the most common types prescribed are SSRIs. this is because they are the most clinically effective for the majority of people and have the least debilitating side effects. in fact they tend to make people more hyper than sleepy. some people find it leads to agitated depression and in younger people mainly (although to a lesser extent older people with a history of self harm) it can make self harming impulses greater. the drowsiness goes away after a few weeks in most cases if it ever occurs at all.

the other group commonly prescribed are SNRIs. they work similarly to SSRIs but also work on norepinepherin.

others include NaSSAs such as mirtazapine which have less positive side effects including excessive need for sleep, blurred vision and diziness.


basically there are loads of different types with different side effects. choosing a medication should be a discussion more than just handing out drugs. really his doctor should have discussed what his job entails so they can make an educated decision about which med is suitable.

private counselling/therapy is expensive if you aren't on a really low income. if you search low cost therapy on google you should get some idea of what is available in your area. i'd definetely look into mind in your area. they should have some short term counselling or be able to point you in the right direction.

[witsend]

Dear Friday
The anti depressants you specifically mentioned, Mirtazapine, are the ones i have been on for 12 months in various doses. Apart from the drowsiness in the mornings for the first couple of days I have never suffered any other side effects, but , as with all medications, if you think you are suffering side effects go back to your GP. I was even on Valium and beta blockers as well as the Mirtazapine for a short while. I have read self help books, done the breathing exercises, even tried self hypnosis. i think that's called clutching at straws.

[goldfish]

Just realised that my husband has been prescribed Diazipam which isn't an anti depressant. I think it is more for anxiety as he has to take it only when needed. Shows how much I know.
Mind only appears to be in England and Wales, there appear to be a few Scottish equivalents. I will have a look at them.
You are right i should think of myself also. Between this and every day life I could crack up.

[largactyl1]

Hi Goldfish, yes the Diazepam will help with periods of extreme anxiety and also with sleep. However, your husband should not take them during the day when going to work.

The fact he does a manual job is probably a good thing as there is less time to think and physical things help get rid of the excess adrenaline that anxiety can cause - this is why Diazepam can be good in the evenings - when he has time to brood on things.

I would get another appointment with the GP as Diazepam doesn't actually treat anything - just relieves symptoms, whereas Anti-depressants will actually treat the imbalance in brain chemicals long-term stress can cause - as already has been said - SSRI's are best as they do not cause drowsiness on the whole. As has also been said, mirtazapine causes drowsiness and so is not really appropriate. It is a good idea to research anti-depressants as GPs often only stick to the same ones they are familiar with.

Obviously the real cause of all your problems is out of your power at the moment, when seeing GP, push for counselling. As you say, there is the Samaritans and various other organisations that can help with providing some form of listening therapy for free.
Lv Jen

[friday]

tranquilisers like diazapam and lorazapam are not meant to be used long term due to dependency issues so if your husbands anxiety doesn't improve the doctor should be looking at alternatives. i understand the rationale for the diazapam but it doesn't seem like the doctor took all the factors into consideration when choosing a medication. is your husband confident enough to go back to the doctor and explain that the diazapam is not suitable given his line of work and that only taking it at night isn't suitable if that isn't the only time the anxiety hits?

not sure if this is any help but it is based in scotland and they say they can point you in the direction of other resources.

http://www.samh.org.uk/our_work.php?display=get_help

have a look at the nhs website and see if your husband thinks anything would be suitable for him. doctors are fine if you suggest things, they only tend to get a bit funny if you demand one particular medication and don't have any reasons.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anxiety...Treatment.aspx


witsend-mirtazapine was a nightmare for me. i slept for about 14 hours a night and became more depressed. i stopped it and made a rapid recovery. i'm still on lithium and tolerate it pretty well. after years i finally feel like i am getting my life back