wife of accused

[goldfish]

have decided to post after following this forum for a few months and seeing that a recent new member is in a similar situation.
A few months ago my husband of many years was accused of rape by a woman he had been having some sort of affair with. At his first police interview and without a solicitor present he was charged. He thought if he was honest and admitted to having consensual sex it would be sorted out and he would get home. Instead he had to undergo the usual DNA testing, spent a night in the police cells and was up in court the next day. He was allowed out on bail and the next day his name and charge was in the papers.

Needless to say our whole family were devastated. My first reaction was to have nothing to do with him but after a lot of talking and listening to his side of the story as well as knowing the woman involved I decided to stand by him. I have been with him on every visit to his solicitor and recently seen the prosecution statements. It has not been easy, I have experienced every emotion there is.
We are hoping that this does not go to trial but we have been told to be prepared that it will, considering the current political climate.
Does any one have advice on how to prepare yourself emotionally and physically for this?
We also have children who have had to go to work and school knowing that people know about their dad. How do you support your children as well as your husband? The police have also had to become involved with this woman on a couple of occasions with incidents unrelated to my husbands case. Can this have any bearing on my husbands case in relation to her character?

I have taken on board all the information and advice that has been given on this forum but would welcome any more as there are times I feel at a loss, solicitors visits are few and far between and the whole process is so slow.

[wutheringheights]

Hi you seem to be in a very similar situation to me, I can't offer you any help because I don't know what I'm doing either. I also have read statements etc. it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I knew my husband would be no good at picking through - there are so many lies it is unbelievable that they managed to even charge him. Yes he did have sex with this woman and cheated on me but I will not see a good man and fantastic father sent to prison for something he hasn't done, so I try to be clinical when I sift through the lies (I know there are lies because I can prove it) and when hopefully it is all over and there is a favourable outcome (I pray to God every day) I will have to deal with the hurt he has caused. I just needed to know why he cheated because we really were very happy - his answer he was flattered by the attention given to him by a beautiful girl. Its true you know Men are from Mars and Women from Venus X

[Saffron]

Hi Goldfish and welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us.

If your husband has been charged then the case will almost certainly go to trial, although it is unusual for someone to be charged immediately after arrest/interview.

It's true that there is a long period of waiting for a case to get to court. Use this time to gather as much supporting evidence as possible. Ask friends to be character witnesses. Pick the accuser's statements apart and question, question, question everything your solicitor does. Ask him/her about bringing up the accuser's police record in court - it is unlikely that would be allowed, but in cases where consent is being contested it is vital that she appears as discredited as possible (I know that sounds harsh, but it's true).

With regards to your children - how horrible for them. My son was only 3 when it happened to us, so it was relatively easy to conceal from him. the only thing I can suggest is that you be completely honest with them, and make sure they know what really happened. It might be worth thinking about moving away until the trial. Just a thought.

Please make sure your sol is one experienced in defending False Allegations of sexual assault.

Finally, take care of yourself. Being The Supportive Wife can be exhausting. Keep coming back, even if you just want to have a wail and rant.

Saffron

[Rights Fighter]

Hi Goldfish

Are you not a member on the other forum?

[goldfish]

Finally got a minute to my self, children in bed, also husband. He is finding this all very difficult, not only worrying about the future but also the hurt he has caused all of us and the repurcussions it has caused.

This is the first time I have been on any forum so I hope I am doing this right. It is all completely new to me.

We have an Advocate who is over seeing my husbands case, the defence lawyer is acting as a go between. They seem to know what they are doing and have told us if we think they are not doing their job to tell them. how do we know if they are? We have spent weeks waiting for information to come back from the police and even then we havn't got all of it.

[Rights Fighter]

I asked as somebody calling themself "Goldfish" became a member of a private forum (that members of the public cannot view) and has not taken part since, which is a concern as she is missing out on a lot of solid support. If this is not you then OK.

You use the word "advocate" - are you in Scotland as that is not English terminology in our cases?

[goldfish]

yes, we are in Scotland. I know we have a slightly different legal system here and it has caused a bit of confusion sometimes when trying to gather information.

[Saffron]

Hey Goldfish

Don't worry about doing things "right" or "wrong" because none of that matters. We are here to support you and will do our level best to help you.

The laws in Scotland are different to those here in England, but if we can help we will. My understanding is that actually things are slightly more "just" north of the border, ie: they have a "not proven" verdict.... but then again I am a bit of a simpleton at times, so don't trust what i say.

Thinking of you, and Wutheringheights too.

Saffron xx

[goldfish]

Yes it's right there is a verdict of 'not proven' in Scotland. It has come up a couple of times in some recent cases that i've read or known about.

I have to say I'm relieved to know that other wives are in or have been in a similar situation and have decided to stand by their partners. I was feeling quite isolated. I was also worried at first about the reaction I would get from family, friends and neighbours as we live in small community. In my case most people have been supportive and non judgemental, there have been no nasty comments to any of us even my husband.
I have to say my husband has been fortunate in being allowed out on bail immediatly, back to his own home and still has his job as I can see that others have not been so fortunate. His bosses and workmates have been very supportive and helpful.

For that reason we are going to stay put and cope as best we can. I think I have the same determined attitude as you all to do the best I can to help my husband through this. It's not just for him but also our children.

I would also be interested to know if it's possible to retrieve a voicemail that has been deleted from a mobile phone.

[LS]

I would also be interested to know if it's possible to retrieve a voicemail that has been deleted from a mobile phone.

Sorry Goldfish, but voicemail messages are not stored on the mobile phone, but within the mobile phone company's telecommunications centre.
For that reason you deleting the message means it is usually gone. You could contact the mobile company concerned, but I would think it very likely that deletion means it is gone for good.
Similarly, Microsoft here in the UK and US do not hold copies of Messenger messages or emails sent or received. This I found out the hard way when data my case hinged on could not be retrieved, and these were not deleted items.
Sorry to burst any bubble, but I would not like to have anyone led on.
regards LS

[Saffron]

I would say it is still worth asking your mobile phone company if they can retrieve the message. The police often seem to have some success in doing this, both for voicemails and text messages, so give it a whirl. You might have to ask your sol to do it on your behalf.

I am pleased that you know you are not alone. And also that no-one has judged you for sticking by your husband. I had a few comments from people such as "why are you still with him?" but I felt very strongly that it was none of their business. No-one had a right to judge him for infidelity other than me and me alone.

Chin up, stay strong

[LS]

Yes, I agree with Saffron, in that it's worth asking your sol to make the effort anyway, as you cannot afford to discount any avenues worth chasing. He/she may need to approach someone from the Register of Experts initially to ascertain if it can be done.
Also good for you for standing by him. I find it's a special kind of lady who supports her man at this time of need, when lesser ones run for the hills. This can only help to make you both stronger in the long run.
regards
LS

[goldfish]

I havn't written for a while but still following other threads.

Recently been to see husbands solicitor and they seemed confident that through an expert a voice mail could be retrieved from a mobile even if deleted.
My view of the police has completely changed since all this started. Everything that I've read about them trying to manipulate people and evidence to support a charge appears to be true in our case. Anything which backed up my husbands version of events has been conveniently put aside. Thank goodness we found out about this. I didn't realise what a defence lawyer did before this, I feel so ignorant of the whole legal process. It has been an eye opener! Is being a defence lawyer a growing profession?

I also feel at a loss at the moment, my husband still has his job which has been beneficial for him especially as he is now admitting to being depressed alot of the time, but due to the nature of my work I have had to stop because of the charge against him. I have done the same work for many years, was really confident in my work and enjoyed doing it. The whole situation is so heart breaking and embarrasing for me and my family. Most of my anger is towards this woman but there are days when I have to watch what I say to my husband. I am trying to carry on as normal but it's difficult.

[Saffron]

Hi Goldfish

Yes, it is very difficult being the "support" to those falsely accused. I'm sorry to hear that you have had to stop working - work is sometimes the one constant we have.

Stay strong, and remember to look after yourself. Being the "strong" one is exhausting! We are all here to support you.

Best

Saffron

[LS]

I echo what Saffron said. At times it seems hard to offer little more than words, but at least we can offer some emotional support so you don't feel alone. I wish my folks had found this site when I was away.