ROUGH time

[witsend]

not much help

already had self help books before all this started, not finding them much help at the moment. I just feel at times like life is unravelling under our feet and we have no control over it. Off to take son back to GP again today, he in awful state at times what are we supposed to do?????

[RFLH]

sadly witsend - you can only do what the rest of us do - battle on and hope you survive.

You can and will get through this, whatever the outcome, you have no choice, just do the best you can with what you have.

We know how you're feeling, we've been there and come out the other side. It isn't easy, but keep coming back and posting because it will help.

We do care here, but we are limited in what we can do.

[macdougal]

I've been trying to compare what we have been/going through with something else in an attempt to use similar methods of coping. I can honestly say I'm at a loss. But I suppose its a similar feeling to that of finding out a loved one is terminally ill (for the family of those falsely accused) or like finding out that you are terminally ill (those of us who have been falsely accused). You feel like the whole world is crashing down on you and theres nothing you can do about it. Well thats true, there is nothing any of us can do about but sit and wait. However, when you find out you're terminally ill, you have two options. To sit and dwell and feel sorry for yourself until your time is up or to grab hold of life and enjoy what time there is remaining, be it weeks months or years. For the families there is the option of sitting and dwelling on the awful news, feeling sorry for themselves, which has a negative effect on the person who is ill and makes their final weeks, months or years a living nightmare. Or you can use the negative feelings of sadness and dispair to rally yourselves to make the most of your family members remaining time wiith you, make them enjoy life for the final stretch and leave the world happy people.

The big difference though is, a terminal illness (failing miracle cures) has only oone outcome. This may be the catalyst to force yourselves to make best of the remaining time.
The falsely accused have several outcomes and this is the reason why we sit there waiting, dwelling and feeling sorry for ourselves. Because we have no idea whats going to happen.

Bu surely we've got it better than death?
Ok a prison sentence for something we havent done is the worst possible thing we can imagine is it not? Months or years inside a cell for merely being in the wrong place at the wrong time is a living hell. Right? That is the very worst outcome. It might not even get that far
But whatever happens there is an end!
You are going to see your loved ones again, you're going to have many more years to spend with family and friends. (And the true ones will stick by you regardless of the outcome)

Lets look at cancer. You could see it as "those cheeky, nasty horrible cells have the audacity to take over my/myloved ones body in that way and cause them so much pain and hurt. I cant believe this is happpening to us!"

And the accuser "That cheeky,nasty, horrible person has the audacity to say such a thing and cause so much hurt and pain!"

I believe that they are similar things in the fact they have negative impacts on our lives to a very high level.

Lets treat the FA's like a terminal illness. How do we deal with it?
We make life as comfortable and enjoyable as WE possibly can for those in the situation.
We are the victims of lifes cancerous people and we deal with it appropriately.
The one thing we can take from this though is we're not actually going to lose anyone we truly care about. We may not have them around for a while but they're still with us.
If you get the phone call or letter saying the CPS have decided to take NO FURTHER ACTION. Then the weeks of 'chemotherapy' have been a success and life can go on.
There will still be feelings of bitterness and resentment but we've been to hell and back we're stronger than that.
And as much as it hurts us to know that this person who has put us through the hell, this cancerous being is still walking around like nothing has happpened just say "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da" life goes on. And thats the point I'm making. LIFE goes on. For somebody with a terminal illness, when they get their judgement day, life doesnt go on.

I hope my comparison of the two things has not upset or hurt anyone in anyway, that was not my intention. My intention was to give hope. That even if the worst happens. The people who love you and who you love will still be around!

[witsend]

yep

yep i see where you are coming from, you words of advice have been taken onboard. I think, as you so rightly stated, it's all the uncertainty, it seems to be all consuming. Been to GP with son again today, he has had to double his anti depressants and will see him again next week. Our son has managed to find the strength to go out for a few hours on his own but unfortunately still cannot find the inner peace to enable him to go home to his own place. Him moving back home permanently seems to be on the cards whatever the outcome of this situation. Thanks again you are a great comfort at this time.

[RFLH]

It may well be the best thing for both of you at this time. You probably need the support of each other on tap.

If he's with you, you won't be worrying about him so much and you can make sure that he takes his meds at the right time and the right dose. I know I kept forgetting mine!

[witsend]

Well I know it best thing for Me! that selfish I know but tend to no be quite so stressed when he at home with me and my husband. Yep need to keep an eye on him the next few days due to side effects of his medications. I think the hardest thing for me to get my head around is the fact that nobody lets you know whats going on! Gather by reading stuff on here that the normal.

[witsend]

bad day

having a grotty day, trying to keep busy but nothing seems to distract my mind today, feel physically and emotionally exhausted. All of this waiting waiting waiting for any small piece of news is horrendous. It really is getting to the point where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, but have to. Son not having too bad a day as he had a good night sleep due to the increase in his medications. Will probably try to clean the kitchen floor in a while, just to distract myself.

[macdougal]

Cleaning is great witsend. And this coming from a 24 year old male who before his daughter was born would go out of a weekend and wear the same underwear friday-sunday lol. It really does help, and once you get into the swing of it you'll find you're actually enjoying yourself. Because for that period of time the main focus of your problems is "why wont this bloody stain come off the cooker?!" Keep busy it does help

[RFLH]

I'm with Macdougal - as much as you want to do nothing - forcing yourself to do something will help - or just go out for a walk. Anything that will distract you for a while.

[witsend]

try my best

well cleaned floors, they clean if nothing else. Had a problem with going out, due to anxiety disorder, before all off this s--t happened and it definitely no easier now, try to avoid it unless I have to... Well the shopping won't do it self. had toyed with online shopping but know I need to make at least half effort to get out. Am i the only one that feels as if every body watching you while you are out even though nobody knows what is going on?
As i said before the female who has done this terrible thing to our son has said some terrible things. If he did what she said why would she tell him before they had sex what contraception she was using? It just beggers belief. Everybody else keep strong..we need each other. thanks again

[macdougal]

Witsend, the first two weeks or so after i got was accused of it I only went out if it was in my dads car going from my house to theirs or to the shop literally 20 yards from my house. I felt like everyone I passed was staring at me, people on the passing buses were staring at me even the shopkeeper who was still being as friendly as always, I felt like he was looking at me differently. This is completely normal and expected. Its a psychological thing where-by you feel more paranoid than usual because whats been said about your son makes you feel like youve done something wrong and (although you dont doubt him) makes you feel like he's done something wrong and EVERYONE knows about it. Its highly likely they dont and even those that do may not know you're his mum so try and get on with things as best as possible.
Although you had problems before this with getting out of the house, now is the time to conquer your demons. You should hold your head up high for your sons sake. Show the world you have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. You've no need to shy away from the world. It'll do you more good to get out the house, do your shopping, take your son for a country walk. Go for a drive out to a beach get plenty of fresh air and you'll feel better for it.
My daughter had never been to the park so much in her life after I'd got over the initial shock of the allegation. The park I take her to is right in the middle of where my accusers family and friends live as well. But I was not going to hide away and keep my daughter locked up inside either.

Be strong and get out there and do something. It WILL help!

[RFLH]

No you're not alone with that, but since no-one ever takes any notice of anyone else these days its safe to say you can go outside and be anonymous as well as invisible!

Well done on planning to go shopping - it'll do you good if you can manage to go - be proud of yourself.

PS - I have a kitchen floor you can come and have a go at!!

[witsend]

question

never having been in a situation like this before am I correct in thinking that our solicitor will get in touch with us if he hears anything? or is it a case of having to chase them up?
his words still ring in my ears " go home get on with things, as I believe he has nothing to worry about" This is so unbearable at times but do try soooo hard to hold things together, you lot really help as a sounding board.

[RFLH]

You can phone them up and ask - just keep it short and to the point as they're busy and may be working on a lot of cases at the same time.

[witsend]

another day

well dropped the solicitor quick email yesterday, won't hold my breath about getting a reply too soon, but fingers crossed! yesterday was an awful day, just wanted to sit down and cry. My poor husband is at his wits ends, not sleeping or eating properly. We still have another 2 weeks until bail date and don't know what that involves? have to TRY to get through another day some how and stay strong for our son. While our lives have been wrecked I bet this woman is getting on with hers. As i say fingers crossed solicitor was correct when he said don't worry