Can anyone help me?

[whatdidieverdo]

I was accused by my ex girlfriend of rape last year. She has on two other occasions accused me of domestic abuse, both times i was arrested. The first time i was released with out charge, the second i was on police bail for 3 months while they investigated. While i was on bail she made further accusations of harassment saying I had been to her house, damaged her car, all sorts of things. The police never arrested me for breach of bail and I wasn’t charged. I have never been charged with any offence!! We were together for a total of 1 year and 3 months, she became pregnant after 2 months and I basically stayed with her for the sake of the baby. She also told me when I did try to leave her that she would never let me see my daughter, be there for the birth etc. I took her to family court and got a contact order to see my daughter, that really didn’t go down well with her, control freak is not the word, she takes it to extreme!!

I did sleep with her, which is the first thing I told the police when they arrested me. Even though we had split up earler in the year we were still having regular sex up until October, the last time we had sex was 3 weeks prior to the allegation (and of course on theday of the allegation). It took her 7 hours to report to the police which she did via a friend with a 999 call, she also didnt shower and made time for a visit to the driving range!! She is saying she did not consent and has told so many lies it makes me sick to the stomach when ever I have to listen to or read any thing about the case. I have just been released on bail after spending 4 months on remand. I cant believe that the courts put me in prison on the basis of previous allegations of domestic violence even though I was never charged. Im not seeing my daughter, which is killing me, the ex has set out to destroy my life and I feel so helpless.

I don’t really know why im writing all this or what I want from any of you guys in the same situation, just support I suppose from those who know. Im lucky that I have a very supporting family and friend network, none of which doubt me for one second.

I hope we can all help each other in some way get though this horrid situation. Im a professional man whos looking at the rest of my life falling down around me if the jury fall into her manipulation and lies. God help us all!!

[Casehardened]

Hi,

It's good that you found this forum, probably by using the same search terms that many of us did. You will find it so comforting that (a) you are not alone in your predicament and (b) many cases result in no further action being taken.

You were very unfortunate in having been remanded but at least you are now free to seek reassurance and advice on how to prepare your defence.

There are other members who are far more qualified to advise on the legalities, (they will be getting up later on) but I'm assuming you have already been charged with rape & remanded by the Mags Court. Has a C.C. trial date been set?

Heaven forbid it will go any further, but your defence will be based on your previous loving relationship with your girlfriend so it is worth collating any written or electronic evidence which will confirm this.

Meanwhile just bounce your thoughts and worries around in here.

[RFLH]

Hi whatdidieverdo, sorry to see you here.

I'm pleased that you've got a good support network, its the most important thing to have.

As mentioned, collect everything you can think of - get friends statements who saw you together as a couple and know what you were both like.

I hope that you've got good legal representation.

Keep coming back to vent, it'll make you feel better and also you may pick up some good advice from others that have been - or are going through - the same thing.

[whatdidieverdo]

Cheers for writing those words of support, as you can tell by the time of the post im not getting much sleep and today, like most days im feeling really tired and really down.

I have a wealth of information about our past relationship, she states we split up in April last year and that was that. Ive got hundreds of texts between me and her, some of which state that she was violent towards me!! I even have mobile phone footage of me and her having sex!! The first time i was arrested the police officer (a female with a reputaion to come down hard in demestic cases) stated she found my ex to be manipulative and would use my daughter as a weapon against me and she found me to be genuine and sincere and only trying to do the right thing!! They still stuck me in prison for 4 months on the basis of nothing!!!

Sorry, rant over, for now. Im a broken man and this site is a huge help!! I will try to offer my support to others, right now im just trying to do get myself to do simple things like opening the curtains and letting daylight in!!

[RFLH]

make sure you keep everything safe and don't hand over anything unless you have to, make copies and don't volunteer anything unless push comes to shove.

Keep coming back and shout - but don't go into too much detail as this is a public forum and is possibly trawled - don't want anything used against you. Feel free to edit anything you're not sure about.

[Saffron]

Hello and welcome. I'm sorry that you find yourself here.
I can only echo the advice that's already been given. We will do what we can to support you.
I would be very careful about the footage of you and her having sex. She could claim that she didn't know she was being filmed, which could have serious ramifications for you. (unless of course she is seen chatting to camera in the footage).
Have you been charged yet? What stage are you at? We need to know this so that the advice we give is relevant.
I hope you can draw some comfort from the support you get here.

Saffron

[LS]

Hi whatdidieverdo, again sorry you found us/glad you did. Ditto Saffron about the filmed evidence.
Regarding texts etc, if I were you I would copy them off your phone and in safe hands in case your phone/pc/other media get seized. If you've got phone software on your pc, get the texts off and saved to a usb stick or disk and away from your abode.
Although police will tell you one thing to your face ("you're sincere" etc) they'll say and do the opposite behind your back. That may explain how you're told your this, your, that, yet they still remand you. They didn't pass the compliments on, from the sound of it.
Use this time wisely to evidence-gather. It's the one golden opportunity you have over her. Other than that, feel free to rant here. We've all either been through it or are so.
LS

[whatdidieverdo]

Thanks for all your kind supportive words!!

The stage im at is waiting for trial, its a couple of months away. She mentioned the mobile phone footage to the police before i did. She even went on to state that it could have been any one because you cant see our faces. I thought i would have trouble using this because you cant see our faces but as i say she told them any way. I have been charged, i gave all my clothes, i told the police that the top i was waring at the time was at my house, the police asked my brother to go and get it!! One huge thing, i performed oral sex on her before we had sex, she denies this took place. Surly the forensic evidence will show that my saliver is in that area and vice versa on my face. Does any one know about this subject and how they test for quantity etc??

Thanks again for all your help!!

[Casehardened]

Hi Whateverdidieverdo,

A worrying time for you then, hopefully you are occupying yourself by preparing your defence with your solicitor (Is he your family solicitor, the duty solicitor when you were arrested, or one you chose?)

It is really important to be proactive, (and this also helps with the waiting) the sol will do his very best for you inc. briefing the barrister, but he needs all the information you can give him to decide which to use in the defence and which to discard.

I completely agree that having oral sex before intercourse is very indicative that the act was consensual, but my hunch is not to rely too much on this angle. Even if you could prove it forensically, she could then simply change her story to say you also forced her into this. However if this always was a regular part of your foreplay it is well worth hammering.

As you have lots of proof of your previous loving relationship, far better IMHO to go down the road of occasional consensual sex during the access visits. After all the jury are not monsters, they are folks like you and I, and hopefully you will come over as a presentable and articulate witness, (which from your posts you obviously are) and this situation of consensual intercourse during the access visits very likely and believable (after all it must be a fairly frequent occurrence for many couples, especially if the woman hasn't started a new relationship)

[whatdidieverdo]

Please can some one answer this??

I am just wondering if the person who has made the false allegations against me can get an injuction from the court while i am on bail set out by a crown court judge?? Also if any action was to be taken out against me regarding our daughter would i have to be informed via my solicitor or myself, i represented myself thoughout the whole family court process untill i gained a contact order giving me rights to see my daughter only 3 weeks before the allegation was made. Can any action be aken at a county court regarding my daughter with out my knowing or say so?? IE, her trying to remove my name from my daughters birth cert??

Can i take out a non molestaion order against her while im on bail?? The paperwork is filled out ready to go for when im aquitted but i would feel better if i knew it was in place now.

If anyone can shed some light on these questions it would be a great help.

Just to let you know im still having very up and down days. Im finding the hardest thing is to remain possitive even though i know im not guilty. At the end of the day my life is in the hands of 12 strangers who have to believe that she is telling lies!!

Thanks again for everyones help and please know that all of us in our different situations are joined by one common aspect.....we know the truth and truth will out!!!

[quinnb]

Hiya
As far as I know - once you are on the birth cert - that means you stay on there. You can not be removed. This also means you have PR over your child.
Saying that in my opinion PR is just hyped up - and dont count for all that much,The resident parent does hold a lot of the cards. the only thing it really stops her from doing is leaving the country for longer than a month.

This is just a guess - but you should still be able to see your daughter but again (guess) at a contact centre and it would be supervised. Well worth looking into it. If you are not working at the moment a family sol would advise you on that under LSC.

As for the rape allegations been there done that - good luck is the only practical advice - have the police seized your mobile/pc etc etc?

[whatdidieverdo]

Thanks for that. I know what you mean about PR. I represented myself all the way through family court and the only thing i relented on was the resident part, being a dick head on my part because she said we were working things out, look at how that turnd out. Invite me round for sex then drop the bomb!!! I know the ex is going through some money problems so im hoping that county court was for that. I just want to be sure that what ever is going on about my daughter i would have to be informed one way or another. I only draw breath because of my daughter and she is what keeps me strong throughout all of this. Im being honest when i say this but if the 12 people good and true believe my ex's lies then i have nothing to live for!! By the time my daughter is old enough she would have been brain washed and god forbid she will be just like her mother!!!

Thank you for the info, its a huge help. Could any one or yourself expand??

[quinnb]

What do you want me to expand on?
How old is your daughter - is CAFCASS involved yet?
What happened to your contact order is that still in place?
The law and the childrens act is very specific about fathers seeing thier children. (Again in my experience and from what I have been told by my soll/ss/guardian fathers for justice were just a scare mongering group and the reality was much different) So you have every RIGHT to see her even if it is supervised.

If it is supervised be very careful as every word/action - you change her nappy and dont wash your hands after will be recorded.
So DONT talk about the rape allegations to her or to the supervisor
Go on the net and google search "vera falhburg" - she is considered GOD in children in care (ok does not apply to you - but they use the same principles) -
But you will uncover some check sheets they use when they evaluate you if you like.
They are full of "buzz word and sayings" LEARN them act on them and QUOTE them. - i.e I am demonstrating my ability to comfort the child.
Make sure you attend contact every time on time
Dont smoke if you can help it - it all gets written down and used against you.
Look up the childrens act - its 179 pages in word and 98000 words but it is worth getting to know it or familiar with it at least.
Look on CAFCASS website and your local areas social services website for thier procedures.
MOST IMPORTANTLY - do NOT get into any more TROUBLE - STAY OFF THE RADAR. Can not stress that point enough.
IF you take drugs - DONT - they may very well drug test you (i had to take one)
Be prepared to see shrinks etc etc and go and again be prepared. Mine tore me to pieces literally and I NEARLY gave up - it is a harrowing experience but they do it to see how you hold your temper - dont give them the pleasure of losing it.
I know most of what I have written is for a child in care - but I belive if it goes through the family courts quite a bit of it will be applicable.
Good luck

[whatdidieverdo]

Thanks for writing back.

Ive been through the process of supervised visits and your right its very harrowing. CAFCASS became involved at the first family court hearing back in June last year, they are so bias towards the woman its unreal!! I submited statements to the court as did every member of my family. The statment outlined every thing that i would do for my Daughter even down to the brand of nappies i would buy her. The ex's statment was 7 pages of lies and all about her, nothing about my Daughter, in fact she used the 'c' word in the content more than she did my Daughters' name!!! I work as a medical practitioner as took loads of advice from Dr's at work which helped a huge ammount at the contact centre. I'm almost glad i went to the contact centre as it gave the powers that be a chance to see me for who i am and not what i was mad out to be. I even changed the wheel of a staff member after an session before i went away. For doing that reduced the hourly rate of the sessions. Every report was glowing and your right, they did put in the report that i washed my hands after changing the nappy!!

The contact order is still in place but under the conditions of my bail it would be very hard to see my Daughter, i feel it would also jepordise my own safety and leave me wide open for further false allegations from the ex. When this is all over i'll be going back to court to revise th order and then way up my options for the long term.

About the current allegation, the police took everything from me. I had to almost beg them to take my phone!!! Ive got nothing to hide, i was still waring the same clothes. They were like the Keystone cops as far as the samples go, they didnt have a clue. Im used to dealing with swabs and medical examinations on a day to day basis and i just couldnt believe they were having to read the instructions before they took the swabs. I also thought it was down to the police nurse to do it?? She took the intermate swabs. Again i had to beg the police to take swabs from around my mouth, they didnt think it was "that important"!! They did do it in the end, only after i gave them a quick lesson in opening sterile water amps and swab packs!!

If anything i hope that this post has helped others out there, its nice to just get things out. Any more advice about anything would be good. Chins up out there!!

[quinnb]

This is me learning things now?
How much did you have to pay for the contact centre??
I got all that free of charge - so amazed you had to pay especially if court ordered.
You were also lucky - i only got to see 2 contact reports from approx 100 of them and even then I had to beg/threaten/cajole etc to get to see them
The contact centre said - See SS, SS said see my sol, my sol said see the contact centre and around and around it went to the point I gave up.
The ones I did see where a total load of bollox and the contact workers made out that they were the best in the world. One even "lied" - but i left that to lie having no wish to cause a war with them.

Are you back to work now? or are you off? what does your employers think of all this - mine were excellant and even gave me time off to go to doctors if I needed it.