Need Advice...

[Monday1510]

Advice and assistance required...

My husband’s daughter has told him that her uncle acted inappropriately with her several years ago. Having just found out my husband is trying to find out if this is true. Unfortunately his daughter won’t discuss it with him further and wishes to drop it.

My husband is off the opinion that if this is true; it needs to be dealt with correctly.

The background to this is my husband and his daughter had been fighting and arguing (over other matters) over the last couple of weeks, and she told him about the abuse, because she was angry and wanted to explain her behaviour to him. She advised us that she had told her mum, shortly after this happened and has subsequently received counselling, however when my husband spoke to her mum, she indicated she was only told about a month ago, in addition her dates don’t match up (she claims it happened 8 years ago, when it could only have been 6 years ago).

Can anyone offer any advice going forward as we have no idea what to do and clearly any accusation like this, can rip families apart, we are at a "she said moment". My husband hasn’t informed the Uncle of this accusation as he is desperately trying to get a clearer picture and doesn’t want to make any false accusations (if it is instead false). Can anyone advice how we confirm her accusations are correct (sorry wrong use of word), but I hope you understand.

At the moment only myself and my husband are aware of these accusations (it hasn’t gone further).

I apologise if I put this on the wrong thread...

[RFLH]

My gut feeling is that its something said to excuse her behaviour. You do remember when things happened like that, but to be a couple of years out sounds a bit unlikely. And the rest doesn't pan out well either does it.

I'm not sure where it leaves you - if she is fibbing and you take it further then the harm it can do isn't dreadful - if it did happen and you do nothing then that's not right either.

I can only think that you need to sit her down and talk to her qas an adult and spell out what will/could happen and see if she tells you the truth.

Sorry I've not been of much help, but I've seen first hand what harm false accusations can do - but then again I wouldn't want him to get away with it if he has.

Hopefully someone else we be here soon and offer you further advice.

[Monday1510]

Thank you

Thankyou for your quick reponse, i have passed your advice onto my husband and we will see what happens...

[LS]

The first thought that goes through my mind is, is it (legally) your right to decide if there's any truth to the allegation. That's generally for the authorities to decide.
Having been through this myself from the other side, I'd be the last to suggest accusing someone of this, but I wonder if it ever came out again later, would there be any recriminations against you for withholding evidence; ie is it any offence not to report a crime?

[RFLH]

I'd sooner a bit of digging was done before reporting it - if it turned out to be a false allegation the man would have it marked against him for life and the girl would never be believed again.

If it does turn out to be true, then report it.

[Casehardened]

At least you considering the matter rather than jumping in at the deep end and dialing 999 thus unleashing the vast unstoppable juggernaut that is the police/CPS process (if daughter was a minor at the time this will be taken very seriously)

As you say, the 'family' element is the difficulty in deciding what to do. Try to consider your husband's daughter and the uncle dispassionately as if they were strangers: does daughter ever tell lies or exaggerate; does uncle pay lots of attention to younger girls?

My gut instinct is that you and husband should have a quiet non-recriminatory chat with uncle, explaining daughter is acting irrationally, and gauge his reaction to what you say.

[LS]

should have a quiet non-recriminatory chat with uncle, and gauge his reaction to what you say.

What reaction would one expect? Even if totally innocent I would imagine he's going to come over as anything-but; thinking he's going to be beaten up or villified at the very least. And I've seen the most guilty possible come across as saints in a courtroom yet they're far from it outside.
I don't think any kind of chat will produce anything of value. Far better to chat with the daughter. However, if she is telling you the truth and you both decide otherwise, there will be resentment which may result in recriminations I mentioned earlier if she takes matters further. This is why I said you may actually not have a legal choice. If she is under 18 she does not have the luxury of a choice to "not press charges." She may well not want to discuss it, not because she made it up, but because she may not want the stigma/the hassle/the whatever.
Personally I would seek legal advice to know where I stood, just in case an impropriety did take place. But, no harm in "digging" in the interim.

[Monday1510]

Update...

An update so far:

My husband has discussed this with her further and she has started to contradict herself, for example:

Claiming abuse occurred on days (when we know it couldn’t possibly have).
Counselling was for other matters and not the abuse.
Informing other family members.

She has indicated she won’t discuss this any further, or co-operate with any institutions if it’s reported.

One of my concerns is her mother’s reaction (if this is all correct), she has said she is respecting her daughter’s privacy but it appears as if nothing has been done or reported (in the past). As she is now saying she told her mum (immediately) when the abuse occurred, but we are surprised she didn’t remove her from the situation, as it happened on a holiday (she was away on her own).
Also both are claiming they cannot meet my husband to discuss this (due to our locations and child-care), I feel like barriers are being thrown up when we are only trying to help.

Any further advice would be useful, we are seeking advice from other sources at the moment.

[LS]

I'm sorry but I don't understand what you are asking. You say she is now contradicting herself and dates don't match, so it looks now as if she was lying about any abuse having taken place. Therefore there is the likelihood that no abuse actually occurred?
If that is indeed the case, how is there a problem? Sorry to sound flippant (it's not intended) but surely her lying; ergo no abuse having taken place, by inference, was the ideal outcome?

[RFLH]

make sure that you right all this down whilst the information is clear and fresh, date this too.

If she's contradicting herself now - then she'll keep doing it. IF it had have happened then the details and dates would be the same - although the police would try and say that its not surprising that she gets things wrong - it'd be the trauma causing it!

[friday]

i don't think the fact she got dates wrong necessarily means she is lying, especially if the allegations are from when she was young (5-10ish). i know that some inappropriate things that happened when i was that age i can only estimate based on where i was living at the time (i moved a lot). i'd be more suspicious abut the dates if she was saying she was 12-16 for example.
Given that it is not recent and if she is no longer in contact with the person she has accused i would leave it up to her to report. There isn't going to be any forensic evidence after all this time so it will make little difference if she reports now or in a few years. If it is a false allegation then hopefully she will mature a little and leave the allegation in her past without dragging an innocent man through the system.