False Accusation from College Resuraces

[QuarterLifeContemplations]

First, let me go ahead and establish that I'm a lesbian. I'm 24 and graduated from college 2 years ago.

Three years ago, at a new years eve party, I ended up spending the night and having sexual contact with an ex-girlfriend. Alcohol was involved, but as far as I knew it was consentual. The next day I received the nastiest email you could imagine, from her, telling me that I had taken advantage of her and that I was a disgusting person. Let me also mention that we'd been friends all through college. We began dating freshman year and remained friends even after our breakup.

Two months after the party I was called in to the judicial affairs office at our college and questioned about the events of the evening. I was told to have no contact with her for the remainder of the school year. (She was graduating that May anyway.) At the time and still to this day, I feel as though I've been accused of something that I am not guilty of. I do not have an aggressive bone in my body, nor would I intend to take advantage of anyone and especially not a close friend.

Today I found her on facebook and sent her a message simply asking how she's doing. I said- I apologize for the things that have happened in our past and I'd like to catch up sometime, even if it's just over facebook. *I did this thinking that 3 years after the fact maybe we could mend our friendship, particularly since we have mutual friends that I have also not been in touch with for the last 3 years. Apparently I thought wrong. This is the response I received:

"F*** you for contacting me. f*** you for thinking that night didn't change my life. f*** you for almost ruining that holiday for me. f*** you for existing. no amount of apologies or time will ever undo what you did nor make me forget it. seriously, how dare you think that you could just send me a message to 'catch up.'

however thank you for showing me what i'm made of. you completely rocked my world and then made me scared to live in it. i'm a better and stronger person now because of it.

do not respond to this or ever try to contact me again."


I am incredibly saddened and feel as though I have somehow failed as a person. She's made me feel horrible and dirty. I just thought we could fix our friendship, and boy was I wrong. This is eating at me. Why do women make false accusations like this? I welcome ANY advice and/or comments. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[Saffron]

Hi and welcome

Just to let you know, I have edited your post slightly to remove the swearing. Hope you are not offended!

What a nasty message to get, no wonder you are upset by it. I do think it was slightly naive of you to think that the friendship was worth another go - she had accused you of forcing yourself on her sexually. Maybe she was uncertain of her sexuality at the time, and her relationship with you was an experiment? Perhaps she has since chosen a hetero life, and is a little embarrassed by her dalliance with lesbianism. Of course, I don't know this for definite, but it could explain a lot. Many people experiment with their sexuality at some point, some even having long term hetero relationships before realising that they are gay, and vice versa.

The other thing to consider is that perhaps she genuinely believes she was sexually assaulted by you. I am not saying for one minute that you did, but she could well have "convinced" herself that you did, perhaps to mentally justify the casual sex.

If I was in your shoes, I would simply delete the message and try to leave it behind you. You know in your heart that you did nothing wrong. I know it's not easy, but perhaps you should just let it go.

Good luck. Thinking of you.

[Poncho]

I agree with Saffron.
The girl does not want any contact with you & I would not contact her even to find out why she has said what she has said, as this could escalate.
Also writing the word "apologize" does not help matters as it can be seen as an admission of guilt. She is not your enemy but definatly not a friend.

You have not failed anyone & don't feel or think that way, put it behind as best you can.
With regards to why women lie about sexual offences, I have no complete answer. For many, they seek attention for one reason or another.

I wish you well