My story ....

[Stellifier]

Just found this site tonight ... nice to know there's people out there with similar experiences.

So my story ...

Nearly 15 years ago I was accused of rape after a one-night stand with someone I knew after a drunken night out as a group - not proud of it but it's what happens when you're 19. Equally that does not give someone the right to destroy your life which just the mere accusation of rape now does. It seems my 'crime' was not wanting to go out with her. Whilst it never went to court it still took 6 months before it was over and although I had fantastic support from close friends and family I can tell you all, I'll never get over it. Not a day goes by when I don't think about it, even for a split second.

I had a really nice police officer who was quite supportive really, but back then it wasn't a common thing, well to my experience anyway, and there was no real help available. The advice given to me by the Police officer the last time we spoke was to "forget about it and move on". Much easier said than done.

Let me tell how it affected me and still does today, nearly half my life on:

Initially had frequent suicidal thoughts and I still suffer from very low emotional points for no apparent reason periodically. Never been to a counsellor though not had the guts to - it's not what "men" do is it?
Moved to another part of the country to try and start over leaving friends and family.
Relationship issues - worrying about starting new ones, always wondering about whether to tell them about it or not.
Thinking about it every single day and never quite being able to put it away
Worrying about people, especially new friends and at work, finding out and judging me before I get the chance to tell my side of the story
Self doubt and a lack of confidence
Problems in bed - not being able to let go which still affects me now
Emotional eating (put on a good 5 stone!)

And also something that may be difficult for people to understand - knowing I can NEVER be 'famous' - silly things like that I can't apply for like Big Brother, X-factor or more serious things like becoming a politician or sportsman - all those things that "normal" people could do if they so chose, I can't because of the fear that it will all be dragged up again.

People may say this is self-pity, but you should understand the pain it caused my family and the guilt/shame I have for that. I'll never forget the tears my mum shed when I had to tell her about it all. It's now the "thing that never gets talked about" in my family - they think I'm fine now and I guess outwardly I am because I have this persona that everything is OK.

I know it's still on my "file" too so to speak even though nothing came of it as I have been out with a police woman before who checked me out - ironically she was very sympathetic about it and we ended up going out for a few years, I guess that comes from being more knowledgable of such cases.

Whilst I know genuine victims face devasting issues as well, not every accusation is true and the falsely-accused face equal devastation in their lives.

I can honestly say that in 15 years I still haven't dealt with it. Time does help a bit, but there's always that pause for thought meeting someone new to think "how will they react?"

Whilst there's not much I can do to stop people finding out other than not talking about it with anyone, my main dilema these days is when meeting someone new (as in a prospective girlfriend), do I tell them? If so at what point? In the past I've met women and thought it right to tell them straight away but not exactly a great topic for a second date! Equally though I don't think I could be with someone for a long time without ever telling them ...

I feel a sense of relief just to write this all down really, never done it before.

[RFLH]

Hi Stellifier. Thank you so much for telling us how it is.

People think that once you've herd that no action is to be taken, that that is it, you can carry on as if nothing has happened.

I'm sorry that its still affecting you this badly, perhaps seeing someone to talk it through will help you more than you think it will. It's a big step, but the first to becoming 'free'.

I do know that feeling of always trying to keep in the background and not to draw attention to yourself in case 'they' find out.

It's no good pointing out the obvious that you haven't done anything, it's the other person who is and always will be in the wrong.

I don't see why you should have to tell anyone anything until you have to - you're not obliged to. it's no-one's business but yours and who you choose to tell and when depends on the relationship.


I hope you stay around and help others who are starting out on their journey.

[Saffron]

Hi Stellifer and welcome
Thank you for sharing your story. There is a common assumption that once a case is "NFAd" the fears and depressions go away - not so! I know that this will always have an effect on my life, and it will never go away. Like you, I have my good days and then I have days when I just want to hide away and guzzle whisky! My husband still dreams about it, and we are very careful about who we befriend. He won't collect our kids from friends houses unless he knows that the dad is there as well as the mum.

Having said that, in a way it has had a very positive effect on us. Our relationship is stronger than ever before. Having been sacked from his old job, my husband has been fortunate enough to bag his Dream Job. I am far less judgemental and more compassionate than I used to be. We found out who our friends really were - a couple of "BFF"s dropped us like hot bricks, and a couple of peripheral mates became genuinely good and valued friends.

I always try to look on the positive side. Sometimes it isn't easy but you have to try to remain upbeat, or the grief and burning injustice eats you up.

I hope you will come back and help us help others.

Saffron x

[Stellifier]

Thanks both.

I can relate to your bad experiences, but also have to agree with the positive one of not being judgmental. I always try to think of the other side of a story now which has to be a good thing. In respect of friends one really stuck by me throughout the ordeal more than other good friends and we are still best friends to this day. Although I didn't lose any friends I did make a conscious decision to drift away from that group at the time.

I have thought about counselling but not done anything about it - I mean how do you start that conversation with someone you don't know? As I said it's never spoken in my family and so I have just learned to keep it inside. When I am alone, I can become very withdrawn if I'm not careful, but I have learnt to recognise this and force myself to do something to get out of it. I've found exercise very good and lifting my mood even though I still have food issues! Well one thing at a time ...

Although I try to forget those 6 months it took to resolve and time has certainly clouded the recollection but some things still flood back out so vividly that just make me want to scream in frustration that she could just get away with something like that.

Writing this just reminded me it'll be the anniversary next week that the phone call came - I can just remember my mum answering the phone to my solicitor and just breaking down at the bottom of the stairs in tears of relief.

Anyway, I try not to dwell on the past too much but look forward. Now I've found this site I'll definately be sticking around and hope to help others if I can.

[RFLH]

That's good to hear Stellifier, the more offering advice and positive thoughts the better.

[friday]

glad you find us and hope we can help.
it will probably never stop affecting you to some degree, its a trauma that has a huge impact on your life. but although you had no control over her decision to accuse you, you do have a certain amount of control over how much you allow it to impact your life. not saying its easy but you can take back control if you have confidence in yourself.

[SATIVA]

A question

i am in the early stages but have growing paranoia about my wifes intent and pending allegations, but do genuinely believe it is coming since i cannot trust my wife since other recent false accusations (civil) and malicious and dangerous behaviour resulting in her own arrest.


CAN YOU EVER TRUST ANOTHER PARTNER FULLY?


If its that easy for a woman to allege mollestation, rape, or anything, she chooses, then where is the justice.

whats the point in trying to have trust based relationships.?

I am lost and also share ongoing issues since accused of incredible things by my clinically depressed wife

Sex isnt what it used to be ( sad cos i have a new partner who is supportive )
worry
sleep
lost work
emotional distress
focus
finance since my wife has unlimited legal aid funding, i do not, of course this adds to the worry.
i can see my own mental disorder looming. i am seriously worried.
All i need now is the allegation of rape, or whatever she dreams up next.

Paranoia, i dont thinks so as much as i would like to.

veryy sad, i was a nice guy. i dont know what i am now. i shall post my story a fresh topic, if interested.

sat

[AMVC]

Hello Stellifier,

I haven't been falsely accused of rape.
I did have somebody close to me get raped and even to a wee lad the change in that person was indisputably evident.
I feel as though I can impart advice to you because, one, your false allegation incident took place well-nigh 15 years ago, and two, because I wish I could say this to the person close to me, but haven't dared for the fear of awakening a memory/emotion they may have, over time, learned to extinguish and overcome, and thirdly, because I can empathise to an extent.

The following is by no means comparing severity.
I never knew my old man, by age 2 he was gone, but it never really got to me, even though I lived in an area where every household had one.
Sure I payed it some mind from time-to-time when I was a youngen but even prior to secondary school I had evaluated my circumstance. I looked at the world I knew at the time and the people upon her and noted that it could be far, far worse for me.
Most importantly, as I grew older in body and mind, and time made the subjective more objective, I learned to forgive. I accept that my old man did one and I forgive him. I don't want to know that person but I'm at peace with it.

I imagine when you summon the courage to tell somebody that you were falsely accused of rape you will be fretting over your delivery, body language, semantics, anything that may implicate a shade of wrongdoing and guilt on yourside, a nervous innocent man can certainly be misconstrued as a guilty man, or at least a man hiding the whole story.

If you can muster the strength to truely forgive the person that falsely accused you of rape it can set you free from the imprisionment of fear, anger, vengence, and so forth.
The 'should I, shouldn't I tell them' prediciment should become less of Pandora's box if in your heart of hearts you have harnessed the power of forgiveness.

You're with a friend, a new woman in your life, and you want to be straight with them, you say that you were falsely accused of rape, but you accept that the person who did this to you has done it and you have forgiven them(obviously that is a concise version).
This mindset will give the person listening a platform of ease to respond, to understand. Perhaps they will ask why you have forgiven them? This is what most folk do if anyone ever asks about my old man. Perhaps they will want to listen to how you decided to forgive them. Perhaps they will recoil and want you away from them forever, it's no guarantee of a positive outocme.
Point is, negativity breeds negativity, its a parasite, and it consumes. If you can nuetralise the negativity you'll be moving forward.

If you have forgiven what more can you do?

For those in the midst of a recent false allegation the above is worthless, but keep it in mind for when recent is a distant memory.

Peace. Be strong, stay strong.

[Rights Fighter]

SATIVA

Please do not be tempted to "tell your story" to our on-board script writer as the matter is not legally closed. You have no idea whether she will add more allegations into the melting pot.

If you give out details which are then made public before anything else happens, you could do yourself a great disservice - in law.

Technically you have not yet been accused of any sexual offence from what I understand but if this comes out in public and if you are then later accused, you might have a problem in receiving a fair trial.

[Stellifier]

Andrew

Whilst I understand and appreciate your sentiment I do not believe comparisons can be drawn with your analogy.

Whilst I cannot begin to understand your situation in not having a father growing up, I wouldn't have thought his actions generally affect your everyday life. Indeed perhaps if he had stuck around, life may have been even worse for you growing up and perhaps he thought he was doing the best thing for you in his own way. Yours is the unknown, mine is fear. Fear that my life will be turned upside down again. The realisation that as a man you are completely vulnerable to a woman's accusation.

Let me tell you the emotions I felt:
Despair
Helplessness
Confusion
Fear
Paranoia
Suicidal

I'm not sure that these are the same emotions you would have felt.

How many of them still effect me to today, 15 years later - well I am less despairing than I was. I have a good job now however that fear is still there that I spoke about in my first post and there is more of a general depression about me - I have good and bad days. I have real trust issues with everyone I meet. I fear someone finding out at work. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. I have developed this split personality - an outwardly confident one that I hide behind for work and meeting new people. She's done this to me.

I do understand what you are saying about forgiveness though and I have thought about that many times, whether I do forgive her, whether I could forgive her, how I would react if I were to meet her again . The only honest answer I can give is that I know I will never be able to find it in myself to fogive her. Do I hate her? Not sure about that though strange as it sounds. I take full responsibility for putting myself in that situation, but I got to tell you it's a hell of a lesson to learn.

I never had my "day in court", but even if I had would it have made me feel any better? Would I feel any better to be told "not guilty"? Could I have been found guilty - of course I could as it was my word against hers. The other main point is that I would not have been found "innocent", it would have been "not guilty" a subtle difference in the minds of a judgemental society.

How do you prove your innocence anymore than a woman could prove your guilt? You cant but as it was my word against hers and as she made the accusation she must be telling the truth right? I mean there's no "smoke without fire" right? I can't begin to tell you the utter helplessness and despair you feel.

At 19 years of age I felt my life was over. I wanted to end it but for my family and feeling that people would assume guilt if I did and how that would affect my mum and dad when I was gone.

I still to this day do not have a coherent set of thoughts about it all, but I know forgiveness isn't within me. She got to ruin my life and my forgiveness would not imporve my life. My forgiveness would not change my future, it would not put a stop to the emotions I feel, it would not fix my relationship issues and it would not stop me thinking about it everyday for the rest of my life.

As self-centered as it is, it's never really been about her ... it's my life that's affected forever more. It doesn't end the moment the police say it is over - that's just the beginning of trying to get on with your life as best you can.

[AMVC]

Stellifier,

Thank you for your comprehensive reply.

I wasn't under a misguided illusion that not having a Father around and being falsely accused of rape were comparable, I just wanted to give a little info about me as I don't want to be seen as a leech sucking up folks misery and giving nothing in return.
It was tantamount to an insult that I had the nerve in comparing the two.
I imagine finding myself amid the mayhem of a false rape allegation as one of the worst things that could possibly happen in my lifetime, and after leafing through this forum it has become something that I now fear.

I plan to PM you tomorrow.

Take care.

[Stellifier]

An insult to me or to you? Sorry if you felt I was insulting you by assuming that you were comparing the two - I just wanted you to appreciate that it is a very unique experience for a man to undergo and one that affects most situations he then finds himself in for the rest of his life. I know life-experiences are relative to the situation you are in so I can only imagine how truly awful it would have been for you growing up not to have your father around - someone who was there for me 100% through my ordeal.

I don't consider you a leech at all and I would hope others don't either, in fact quite the opposite. Having found this site I fully support the role it has to play in helping other people who are going through a similar experience in their life. As a screenwriter I want you to write the most accurate portrayal possible which I why I was trying to convey how it affected me. I imagine it a very difficult task to walk the tightrope of not writing an instruction manual for rapists in how to get away with it or equally for false-accusers in how to ensure a conviction. What I would urge you to do though is to focus on the emotional affect it has on a man both at the time of the allegation until it is NFA'd (as I have read the term used here) and then the affects thereafter.

What I was trying to portray (and it's always difficult to create context when communicating like this) is that it is as much about being falsely accused of something so heinous as it is also then about dealing with the aftermath it leaves on a person for the rest of their life.

Another thing that you may want to consider is that rarely does a real rapist admit their crime. Therefore when you haven't done it but you are accused of doing it, there is total and unequivical fear that no-one is going to believe you. You often see and hear things on the news and the first conclusion that the majority of people jump to is - "I bet the dad it", or "I bet the parents did it" (first impressions of many I people I know to the Madeline McCann case).

Anyway, apologies once again if you felt I was diminishing the pain your childhood experience caused you, it was not my intention.

[Saffron]

Very wise words, Stellifer, and eloquently expressed. You have absolutely summed it up for so many of us - not just the accused, but the families and partners too. Thank you.

[AMVC]

Stellifier

It was without question an insult to you. As I said, not having an old man never bothered me because I could see how much worse my lot could be. Its an astuteness thing I think. I have oft-felt I can see the bigger picture beyond the portrait, but that is naturally coming from someone who hasn't endured the emotional and psychological agony that yourself and others have had to.

Cheers for the support and sage advice. The story framework I have in place delineates your suggestions. I don't want to take it into court rooms, trail by media, the CICA, et cetera, because the meat of the story, as you knowingly point out, is in the aftermath.

I do hope, for my sake , you stick around these parts because you phrase your reflections and experiences so effortlessly.

Peace.