Just found this site tonight ... nice to know there's people out there with similar experiences.
So my story ...
Nearly 15 years ago I was accused of rape after a one-night stand with someone I knew after a drunken night out as a group - not proud of it but it's what happens when you're 19. Equally that does not give someone the right to destroy your life which just the mere accusation of rape now does. It seems my 'crime' was not wanting to go out with her. Whilst it never went to court it still took 6 months before it was over and although I had fantastic support from close friends and family I can tell you all, I'll never get over it. Not a day goes by when I don't think about it, even for a split second.
I had a really nice police officer who was quite supportive really, but back then it wasn't a common thing, well to my experience anyway, and there was no real help available. The advice given to me by the Police officer the last time we spoke was to "forget about it and move on". Much easier said than done.
Let me tell how it affected me and still does today, nearly half my life on:
Initially had frequent suicidal thoughts and I still suffer from very low emotional points for no apparent reason periodically. Never been to a counsellor though not had the guts to - it's not what "men" do is it?
Moved to another part of the country to try and start over leaving friends and family.
Relationship issues - worrying about starting new ones, always wondering about whether to tell them about it or not.
Thinking about it every single day and never quite being able to put it away
Worrying about people, especially new friends and at work, finding out and judging me before I get the chance to tell my side of the story
Self doubt and a lack of confidence
Problems in bed - not being able to let go which still affects me now
Emotional eating (put on a good 5 stone!)
And also something that may be difficult for people to understand - knowing I can NEVER be 'famous' - silly things like that I can't apply for like Big Brother, X-factor or more serious things like becoming a politician or sportsman - all those things that "normal" people could do if they so chose, I can't because of the fear that it will all be dragged up again.
People may say this is self-pity, but you should understand the pain it caused my family and the guilt/shame I have for that. I'll never forget the tears my mum shed when I had to tell her about it all. It's now the "thing that never gets talked about" in my family - they think I'm fine now and I guess outwardly I am because I have this persona that everything is OK.
I know it's still on my "file" too so to speak even though nothing came of it as I have been out with a police woman before who checked me out - ironically she was very sympathetic about it and we ended up going out for a few years, I guess that comes from being more knowledgable of such cases.
Whilst I know genuine victims face devasting issues as well, not every accusation is true and the falsely-accused face equal devastation in their lives.
I can honestly say that in 15 years I still haven't dealt with it. Time does help a bit, but there's always that pause for thought meeting someone new to think "how will they react?"
Whilst there's not much I can do to stop people finding out other than not talking about it with anyone, my main dilema these days is when meeting someone new (as in a prospective girlfriend), do I tell them? If so at what point? In the past I've met women and thought it right to tell them straight away but not exactly a great topic for a second date! Equally though I don't think I could be with someone for a long time without ever telling them ...
I feel a sense of relief just to write this all down really, never done it before.
So my story ...
Nearly 15 years ago I was accused of rape after a one-night stand with someone I knew after a drunken night out as a group - not proud of it but it's what happens when you're 19. Equally that does not give someone the right to destroy your life which just the mere accusation of rape now does. It seems my 'crime' was not wanting to go out with her. Whilst it never went to court it still took 6 months before it was over and although I had fantastic support from close friends and family I can tell you all, I'll never get over it. Not a day goes by when I don't think about it, even for a split second.
I had a really nice police officer who was quite supportive really, but back then it wasn't a common thing, well to my experience anyway, and there was no real help available. The advice given to me by the Police officer the last time we spoke was to "forget about it and move on". Much easier said than done.
Let me tell how it affected me and still does today, nearly half my life on:
Initially had frequent suicidal thoughts and I still suffer from very low emotional points for no apparent reason periodically. Never been to a counsellor though not had the guts to - it's not what "men" do is it?
Moved to another part of the country to try and start over leaving friends and family.
Relationship issues - worrying about starting new ones, always wondering about whether to tell them about it or not.
Thinking about it every single day and never quite being able to put it away
Worrying about people, especially new friends and at work, finding out and judging me before I get the chance to tell my side of the story
Self doubt and a lack of confidence
Problems in bed - not being able to let go which still affects me now
Emotional eating (put on a good 5 stone!)
And also something that may be difficult for people to understand - knowing I can NEVER be 'famous' - silly things like that I can't apply for like Big Brother, X-factor or more serious things like becoming a politician or sportsman - all those things that "normal" people could do if they so chose, I can't because of the fear that it will all be dragged up again.
People may say this is self-pity, but you should understand the pain it caused my family and the guilt/shame I have for that. I'll never forget the tears my mum shed when I had to tell her about it all. It's now the "thing that never gets talked about" in my family - they think I'm fine now and I guess outwardly I am because I have this persona that everything is OK.
I know it's still on my "file" too so to speak even though nothing came of it as I have been out with a police woman before who checked me out - ironically she was very sympathetic about it and we ended up going out for a few years, I guess that comes from being more knowledgable of such cases.
Whilst I know genuine victims face devasting issues as well, not every accusation is true and the falsely-accused face equal devastation in their lives.
I can honestly say that in 15 years I still haven't dealt with it. Time does help a bit, but there's always that pause for thought meeting someone new to think "how will they react?"
Whilst there's not much I can do to stop people finding out other than not talking about it with anyone, my main dilema these days is when meeting someone new (as in a prospective girlfriend), do I tell them? If so at what point? In the past I've met women and thought it right to tell them straight away but not exactly a great topic for a second date! Equally though I don't think I could be with someone for a long time without ever telling them ...
I feel a sense of relief just to write this all down really, never done it before.
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