My story + Precautions on moving forward

[TempAcct123]

Hi everyone, and to most of you, sorry you are here.

I have not written in this forum before but I feel I must return to give back for how helpful all of you have been. I was FA early last year, and it was the worst experience of my life. This forum gave me useful practical advice, warnings, and stories that made me realise I wasn’t alone. I also want to thank frantic and casehardened for your incredible work here. To have a community based around allegations specifically in the UK, is so helpful. I figured any ‘case studies’ can be helpful, so I’ll add mine here.

A quick background: was FA early last year by recent ex, called for voluntary interview. Had a very decent solicitor during the interview, who also did some representations after the interview (letters with some information that would give proof towards my innocence). Had to pay for the representations as it wasn’t covered under legal aid. Kept in contact with the relevant police officer through my solicitor. 2 months after the interview, case went to CPS for early review. Got a call soon after asking for a phone download. Asked solicitor who asked the officers what it was for, then stated anything relevant can be taken from the complainant, and so not needed. officers concurred, so didn’t give phone (it was my only one and I am quite financially tight). Kept waiting since (long time..). Was told in June 2020 that it was with CPS. Last month (appx 17 mths later), was informed it was NFA.

Some advise from me (as someone who went through the process, caveat emptor):
- If you find yourself here before your interview, PLEASE SIT DOWN AND TYPE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED CLEARLY. Keep this confidential and safe. This refers to any incident(s) that could have potentially been the subject/context of the allegation. Be clear and concise. Get dates, times, what was said, what happened etc. Your lawyer will love you for this. Let your lawyer decide what they want to do with it - they can consider giving it to the officers, or keeping it to themselves.
- During interview, treat it as an examination (it pretty much is). Ignore anything the police do that isn’t directly related to a question. Be very clear in what you say and do not let anything seem to suggest it might be your fault. Be clear in your mind in what happened - some officers may try to stress/play you you to change your stance (“are you sure that is what happened?” “She said it was this instead. Why do you say this?” “She just want closure. It wouldn’t hurt to give her that, right?”). Focus specifically on the questions only, and answer clearly and in a way that protects yourself.
- Once you have an allegation made against you, do not ever reach out to the complainant. Any attempt to reach out will be seen as harassment and will only be bad. If they contact you, do not say anything that my wrongly incriminate you. It’s best to avoid contact entirely.
- Private lawyers aren’t necessarily better than legal aid ones. Good law firms have legal aid lawyers in their rotation. If you need one, I recommend calling a firm and asking them to send someone who is on their legal aid rotation, rather than ask for a specific one (who would be private).
- If you are voluntarily interviewed, you’ll first be briefly told what it’s about, then given indefinite time (within reason) to talk to your lawyer. They will advise you on the best course of action. Mine advised me to just give my version of events and answer questions. Depending on the situation, it may be better to give no comment, hand a written statement to them etc. I let my lawyer decide for me, and went with just answering questions fully.
- After interview, it helped my mental health to keep checking in, and being proactive. However, I did not contact the officers directly at any point, only ever going through my lawyer. But no point overloading the lawyer either. Contacted them on a biweekly basis, then monthly.

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Now for my question bit! What’s the best way to move forward?

This whole affair has been such a rollercoaster. I expected to be jumping for joy when I heard the NFA, but while I am happy, the most I can really muster is a smile. I know I must sound ridiculous to anyone still under investigation, and I apologise. Getting an NFA is unquestionably the most important hurdle. But now, I am faced with a large majority of my (former) friendship circle cutting me off. Many of them are in the same line of work that I am, and we are very likely to bump into each other in a workplace setting. How would you manage these interactions when you go forward? I feel the need to raise some form of counter allegation to clear my name, but I know false allegation reports have a very high bar of evidence (which I don’t have) and harassment suits are civil and cost a fortune (which I also don’t have atm, lol).

If I see former friends again, what do I say? Do I say anything at all? Do I try to defend myself? Oh I so dearly want to! But I know its probably a bad idea.. Do I confront them and ask them how they could possibly cut me off without so much as a conversation to get my side of the story. It’s not like the complainant had any evidence beyond her words.

Finally, I am very concerned that the ex (the complainant, FA) tries to contact my workplace and tell them false things about me. She is very good at stalking etc. I have avoided social media entirely, but as I said earlier, many of us share the same profession, so someone would connect the dots. What can I do to protect myself? If she does say something, and HR contact me, what would be the best way to respond?

Sorry for this very long post! I hope it has been a little helpful, and perhaps I could get some advise on your journey after NFA as well.

[Casehardened]

Thank you for your kind words towards the forum and your very helpful advice for others who might be in the same situation as you had found yourself.

There are always many 'guests' who view the forum without registering or posting and it is gratifying to be able to meet someone (virtually!) from behind these statistics.

As to where you go from here, I'm probably not best suited to offer advice but I fear that it will be a long time, if ever, that you will forget about these events and so your life may never return to what it was before though, as always, there are positives to balance the negatives......for instance those friends, family, and workmates who stood by you while you were under investigation and before you received your NFA are to be valued. As for your FA, anecdotal evidence from other members stories suggests that further accusations are unlikely.

[TempAcct123]

Thanks for sharing, and I appreciate the support!

I would like to hear from anyone on how they deal with a former friend or colleague who ‘sides’ with a false accuser! Any thoughts?

[Franticwithworry]

Hi there. It's really good to hear from you and understand the issues you face.

To address your specific question - while I am not the accused but his spouse, the issue of how to deal with people who sided with the false accuser is relevant to us both. It was family members who accused my husband, and some of the family sided with them, as did all their friends, some of whom were friends with us by default, however indirectly.

We have had no option but to sever all contact with anyone who acccepts the accusers bizarre stories, and bizarre they are, or who will not accept that my husband was acquitted or even harbours any doubt about his innocence and that includes a few who say they support him but maintain contact with the accusers. The risks of another accusation are too great besides which, neither of us want them to know anything more about our future lives. Who knows what they will try to use against us. (Though there was no formal complaint made against me personally, the nonsense and lies that popped up in their statements was mind-bogglingly insulting and potentially damaging.)

It was drastic and cost us relationships with grandchildren, but given that they had already had their minds poisoned against us, it was heart-breakingly necessary.

Colleagues, I have to say, have been less of an issue. Very few people in that category got to know and all who did were unfailingly supportive. As were, I hasten to add, many other members of the family. In fact, people we had not heard from for some years, got in contact when they learned what was going on - FA's often spread their nets wide in the search for support - and expressed their outrage at what was going on and offered whatever moral support they could. I can only suggest that if you have colleagues you cannot avoid having contact with, you treat them with unfailing politeness and have contact for the minimum possible amount of time.

I'm aware this all seems drastic, but I hope it helps and if you decide on a similar course of action you're reassured that your not the only one who considers it necessary. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

[TempAcct123]

Thanks for your very useful sharing Frantic. I was partially considering the route you recommended but had been wondering if it might perhaps be too extreme. But your experience and sharing is convincing, and I will follow it. Sometimes it is best to stay away as much as possible, and presume that any interaction with them can be made malicious if they wanted it to be. It was also useful to hear your advise on how to tackle the workplace conversations - simple, concise, formal, and strictly professional. Again, I will focus on avoiding giving any opportunity to tarnish me. As you say, it is not fun and does seem excessive, but it is probably for the best.

I have indeed had a small handful who were supportive of me (family and close friends - I did not open up to many others) and I am incredibly grateful and thankful for them. Also, I may never meet the members here in person but I am also so thankful for the support from those here. I will visit this page regularly and try to offer support where relevant.

If anyone has any further recommendations, I am always open to hearing as well. Thank you all.

[Franticwithworry]

It will be good to keep in touch via the forum and hear how you get on. Very best wishes for the future.