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What the hell do I do, this solicitor never replies to my messages, the police really got on my nerves, smirking and smiling when asking questions. The way they look at you when reading out the allegation at the station, this is a feeling that....Theres no words for how I'm feeling.
Hi Scaredashell, I'm sorry you had to find us and can only imagine how frightened you are feeling right now. I am the wife of a man accused and found this site invaluable for both of us, so do encourage your wife to browse here too.
To practical matters - the shock of something like this happening is indescribable and the attitudes of strangers awful. That said, please try to put the behaviour of the police to one side for now, they are just doing their job as they see it, and you need a better and specialist solicitor - eventually, maybe. Rightly or wrongly, the police work on the basis of someone's guilt, hence the 'we've got nothing' comment' and I'm sure they are disappointed every time they find nothing, because their whole remit is to 'get criminals' not to 'get the truth', but that's a whole different conversation. :-)
Because precharge advice is not legally aided, you won't get much joy from many solicitors after the interview as they won't get paid for it unless you pay privately, and quite honestly, it's a waiting game for you at the moment. Use this time to research solicitors, as there are lots of really good ones that specialise in false sexual allegations so that you have someone to contact if need be, but as I said, at the moment it's just a waiting game and the RUI backlog is immense. Also, the duty solicitor has a requirement to make sure you know the seriousness of the allegations, so don't be too hard on him. :-) The issue is more, if he's giving you a negative impression of his view of you, that's not professional and you need someone else.
Try if you can, to concentrate on your wife's pregnancy and the impending birth of your newborn. That's enough to keep anyone busy and it would be a great shame to let this circumstance suck the joy out of it. You will never get this time back again.
There are things you can do to keep your mental health on an even keel and if you've browsed the site much you'll know some of it but to recap -
1 make notes of the whole situation with this girl and what happened as far as you can remember. Having a reasonable belief that she was the age she told you she was will make a considerable difference to the whole situation and even the smallest detail can be significant, so write it all down and add to it as you remember. You may have any number of things popping up in your memory over the next few weeks or even months.
2 find a specialist solicitor to have a chat with to get a proper perspective on your case. If you need help finding one there's a thread on here with recommendations or just respond here and ask. The good ones will talk with you and explain procedure/address worries and concerns without charging you. Call 2 or 3 if you want, so that you can find someone you are comfortable with and know who to call IF anything else crops up that needs dealing with from a legal point of view. EG - very occasionally the police want to interview for a second time. It's rare but it does happen. Knowing who to call and not relying on the duty solicitor will stand you in good stead.
3 you don't say what your wife's reaction to all this was but if you're able to deal with it as a couple and support each other - she'll be in shock too, whether she supports you or not - it will be easier overall for both of you. Neither of you will have to try to keep difficult feelings entirely to yourself.
4 this kind of shock is a verifiable brain trauma. It's bad enough to be accused of doing something bad when you've actually done it. To be accused of something when you're innocent is literally shocking and to be a man accused of a sexual offence can be emotionally devastating. Don't be afraid to ask for medical help if you need it. Most GPs are virtually unshockable, have heard it all before and have a tool-bag of support they can offer you. Any GP who acts like your duty solicitor can be sidestepped and you can find another.
5 recognise that it may be a long wait, running into months before you get a resolution. Covid has shut much down and there is an epidemic of these kinds of accusations. They all have to be investigated, no mater how ludicrous the accusations are or how easily any sane person would see the truth. Unfortunately, yours is one case among hundreds and thousands and they will get to you when they get to you. Your life goes on in the meantime and it's up to you to make the most of it.
There is support here for as long as you need it. You don't really need to do anything at the moment but get up each day and put one foot in front of the other and enjoy your new family as much as you can. Keep as busy as you can. RUI is an abomination that the government was warned about because at least on bail, people knew there was a date they would get an update of sorts, even if it was just 'we are still working on your case, so 'hang in there' is best advice at the moment. 'You are not alone' is a terrible cliche, but it's one that's true. this site is relatively quiet, but you'll generally always get a response if you're patient for a day or two, and if you are on Facebook and need more immediate input, there's a number of support pages including the accusedme page which is much more active. I can let you know of others if you want them, but I don't want to overload you with information right off the bat. :-)
Keep coming back here; there's lots of moral support to be had and practical information if you need it.
'Mongolian Warriors had the courage of lions, the patience of hounds, the prudence of cranes, the long-sightedness of ravens, the wildness of wolves, the passion of fightingcocks, the keenness of cats, the fury of wild boars and the cunning of foxes.' BE A MONGOLIAN WARRIOR WHEN DEFENDING YOUR INNOCENCE!
My wife is telling me not to worry and everything will be fine. I'm just thinking about my wife and newborn, if such a case goes to trial my name will be public and I will not only lose my job but my wife and childs life will be tarnished. The solicitor said in front of the police sergeant "it's a big if for it to get to that stage" stop thinking ahead.
All I care about is the well being of my wife and newborn. Whatever happens to me happens.
It was just tough when the police officer was smirking and smiling when interview/recording. The kinds of questions such as are you into children? No. Is it normal for you to chat up people on the street? Yes, I was a womanizer before being married and would be in the club every week and take a women home. "You were a lad" police officer smiling away. Solicitor said "you were a boy"
The questions and smirking and smiling was unbearable....Even though they have my new phone, if they can find the old messages from the old phone, they would see that there was no sexual messages or anything of that sort.
I asked the police why was this reported after 2 years, the police said it was reported a long time ago but it took them time to track my phone by geo location. I was like what, you just have to call the telephone network and you have me.
I had a solicitor offer to do my case pro bono but rejected him and now I regret rejecting him....I cant afford a proper lawyer......
How can ones life go on when this is hanging over their head....This will show on someones enhanced CRB/DBS, no matter if the case is dropped.
Last edited by Scaredashell; 26 July 2020, 04:44 PM.
I'm so glad to hear that your wife is being supportive. I'm sure that means a lot. The situation my husband faced is resolved now from a legal point of view, but he still thanks me for having his back. :-)
The solicitor was right in the respect that it's important to cross bridges when you get to them and not before. That's not to say don't prepare for stuff, I just mean try not to worry and fret about things that may never happen. My husband was accused of rape of a child and faced a potential life sentence. You wouldn't believe some of the things the police asked him. He couldn't tell me about it for months, years in fact, but smirks and smiles aside, there are people guilty of these offences and the hard questions need to be asked. Ultimately, they don't know the truth of the situation and unfortunately aren't much interested in finding out. It might help to try to think along the lines of 'what other people think of me is none of my business'. It helped us and the chances are that you will never see those officers again.
It might be worth asking your phone provider if they can provide details of your old messages. Some providers store them and others don't. Some will hand them over without a court order and others won't. It's worth asking.
For us, it got to a matter of weeks before trial so there had been several court dates and appearances, but nothing hit the press. it doesn't always, by any means. My husband's boss took the view that he was innocent until proved guilty and wasn't in a public facing job so nothing was any of their business unless and until he couldn't work for any reason, so there were no problems there. His contract of employment didn't require him to notify them of an arrest, but he had to explain why his work equipment had been seized. I know that's not the case for everyone, but again, don't worry about things that may never happen if you can avoid it.
Sometimes I think the police make up the answers to questions as they go along. Months to trace your phone - pahh!! What nonsense.
If you need a lawyer you are very likely to be eligible for legal aid. Most people are. If the solicitor who offered you pro bono work is a specialist in false allegations, and you really need one who is, it wouldn't hurt to get back to him and ask if the offer is still open. It probably is, because lawyers who are specialists in this field know how traumatic the experience is and understand that the shock can have you doing things that you wouldn't normally - like rejecting an offer of help.
This won't necessarily show on your CRB/DBS. You weren't arrested or bailed, and voluntary interviews don't normally show up. If it does by any chance, you can apply to have it removed, but that's a concern that's a long way down the line.
As for carrying on with life while this is going on - you will. With time it gets easier, it really does. It doesn't exactly get better, but you get more used to the situation being part of your life for a while. And remember, however long this all lasts it's but a blink in your life as a whole. There are still great things to come. (Babies!!! Squishy, snuggly babies!! :-))The accusation happened in May which is only a couple of months ago. Shock/trauma of this magnitude takes time to recover from so even if it had been dealt with and ''sorted' within a week, you'd likely still be feeling the effects. Be gentle with yourself. You are stronger than you think, and you will survive this.
'Mongolian Warriors had the courage of lions, the patience of hounds, the prudence of cranes, the long-sightedness of ravens, the wildness of wolves, the passion of fightingcocks, the keenness of cats, the fury of wild boars and the cunning of foxes.' BE A MONGOLIAN WARRIOR WHEN DEFENDING YOUR INNOCENCE!
She always has my back, lately in bed I've laid with headaches and she always gives me a bit of vicks vapour on the forehead.
Police only took my new phone, I have a tablet and work laptop, they didn't take any of that stuff. Why my new phone, nothings on it. No idea.
I would prefer it to be resolved quickly, from my understanding there needs to be an evidential stage to pass for it to go to trial or the cps. If the police keep saying they have nothing, it was 2 years ago, bla bla. Why not just drop it and give a man a break.
I'd love to focus on my newborn. I've bought so many things for the baby....but...I can't even walk out of the house now without paranoia....
Unfortunately, they have procedures to go through, boxes to tick, i's to dot and t's to cross. they dare not 'give a man a break' as there are some guilty people and if they make a mistake, it comes back to bite them. Sadly, that means common sense often flies out of the window and the innocent find their patience being stretched in ways they never thought possible.
As for you getting your phone back, it's certainly not bad news. At the very least it means that your case is being worked and they have found nothing that they think is useful on their phone. Every day that passes is a day closer to the conclusion of the case. :-)
'Mongolian Warriors had the courage of lions, the patience of hounds, the prudence of cranes, the long-sightedness of ravens, the wildness of wolves, the passion of fightingcocks, the keenness of cats, the fury of wild boars and the cunning of foxes.' BE A MONGOLIAN WARRIOR WHEN DEFENDING YOUR INNOCENCE!
I'm sorry that you are still struggling. My advice would be to go see your doctor and arrange some talking therapy.
I remember all too well that feeling of wanting to be invisible but I was also old enough to not care what some small minded folk say about me behind my back and besides, I didn't do anything wrong.
My own experience is that the feelings of dread and unearned shame fade over time and you realise that there are happy memories to be made to replace the bad ones.
You are luckier than some people that have lost their children or split up with their wives and you would do well to appreciate that and focus your energy there before time passes you by.
I have a baby daughter now and my son. I have a happy family. I don't have time for rumours or peoples words. if they were man enough, they would talk to my face. Truth be told, normally I confront people, since this is a delicate matter, I get anxiety.
Thank you so much. I need to enjoy my life and be the best dad and husband. Provide for my family and lead a life of joy. I deserve it...
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