Husband has been accused

[lucya]

Hello,

In september of last year, my husband was arrested by 4 police officers at our home. The accuser was an ex employee who had been fired for gross misconduct, who's first appeals of 'bullying at work' didn't work.

He was released pending further investigation and we've not heard anything since. We are stuck in limbo as the accuser flaunts her happy life on social media (I know i shouldn't look, but i do). They took my husbands phone and he was told he'd get it back 'at some point'. It's been 4 months!!

I'm finding it so hard to be there for my husband whilst also trying to be okay for me.

Does anyone have any advice? How long will we be in this limbo? Am I within my rights to talk to this woman (not threaten, I just want to understand why she has done this)

Thank you

[Peter1975]

Hello and welcome to DM Lucya, although I'm sorry that you needed to find us.

I'm afraid that these things can take a very long time and there is no telling how long you will remain in limbo, you could hear some good news tomorrow or it could drag on for some time yet.

DO NOT speak to the accuser at all - it will do you no good, might give her some twisted pleasure to know she has caused upset and could be seen as witness intimidation which the police and courts take very seriously - She would only have to say that you made threats and you could be in trouble yourself and it would seem she is quite capable of lying.

It is always worth taking screenshots if you are stalking the accusers social media - save these for your other halves (OH) solicitor if he has one?

Good legal advice is always the best thing to have. Although there is no legal aid for pre charge advice it can be worth paying someone to make representations to the police or CPS - if your OH remembers something post interview for example. You can ask here for a recommended solicitor or see the thread and google map in the useful information section.

You should never give the police any further information without taking legal advice.

As far as the phone is concerned, all the police have to do is clone it - although there is always a backlog, 4 months is long enough - my advice would be to simply ask the officer in the case (OIC ) if you can have it back - email or telephone them and just ask nicely but again, it's better to go through a solicitor. Some police are approachable and some are not.

It is worth your husband writing everything down in a timeline and to keep adding to it if there is a long history with this woman.

By way of some reassurance, the vast majority of these cases go no further than an investigation, although it may be a long wait yet, just hang in there and try to live your lives - if the accuser wants to cause disruption and upset then you need to make sure she succeeds as little as possible.

[lucya]

Thank you so much for your reply.

He went to see a solicitor, who seemed to imply there was no need for his services as it was quite evident that this was a false claim to get back at my husband.

I think a time line may be a good idea, I’ll suggest it to him, thank you.

He had phone the OIC before Christmas, but she informed him that ‘he’d get it back when they’re done with it’ so I’m guessing that’ll just be another waiting game, too.

It’s just so hard to sit and let this happen to my husband. I’m worried about what comes ‘after’. Even if there’s a NFA, it’s still there. It’ll always be there.

It really isn’t fair. I feel for every single person on here who has been wrongfully accused and is living this nightmare

L x

[Peter1975]

Sigh - to be honest I don't know why I do this "job" sometimes, the pay is nil and I am frequently heartbroken by some of the accounts I know of.

I guess I stay because I also see plenty of hope, resilience and stoicism and I try to pass that on.

It would seem that legal advice is hopeful in your case and I will cross my fingers that this is so.

Hang in there

[Franticwithworry]

Hello, Lucya. I'm so sorry that you had to find us here. I don't have much to add to Peter1975's excellent advice but I wanted to add a little wife to wife.

My man is the subject of an historical complaint, so it's not quite the same situation as yours, but the support that a wife/partner/spouse can offer is much the same. Please first understand that you are not in any way 'sitting and letting this happen' to your husband. Guilt will eat you alive if you let that thought take hold and end up feeling that you could and should be doing any more in a practical sense to stop it. Guilt and grief - and both of these emotions can loom large, the grief for the life that you have lost because this accusation now hangs over it - need to be made to take their proper place and by that I mean you are not responsible for any of this and you cannot control or end it. ALL you can do (and it's a very big all), is support your husband as it unfolds. There is so much that is totally illogical about it all. There are times when I think that the police get some sort of perverse pleasure out of being as difficult and obstructive as they can.

'You'll get your phone back when we are done with it' is nothing more than a power trip. 'I'm afraid phone enquiries take an average of x months in our area and it could be less or more, I really can't say' conveys the same message without the 'power' element, but seems to be outside the capabilities of those who wield the imaginary big stick.

Hopefully, the accusations is as self-evidently false to the authorities as it is to the solicitor, but in the meantime, your support of your husband, emotional, moral and practical where possible is what will matter most to him. My man tells me that just knowing that I am with him through this matters enormously. Many women walk. Try to keep as much to your normal day-to-day life as possible, and as Peter says, a time-line is a great idea and gives you something practical to do too.

Help him take care of his mental health and be sure to take care of yours as well. I honestly believe that this kind of accusation shakes good men to their very core, and in many ways is the worst thing that could happen to them, causing them to question their very existence. Just being with him and loving him, in the ways that you have always done, will mean everything to him. It is a waiting game and it can be a long one, and no-one can say what it will be like after, but cross that bridge when you get to it. One day, one step at a time at the moment, and I wish you the very speediest of decisions.