Is finding Love again Possible?

[Pond31]

Hi All

I wanted to start this as a new thread rather than tag it onto my other post. It is coming up to valentines my favourite day of the year, as I am a soppy romantic. The question I have is "Is finding love again possible". Due to my ongoing case I have very little social life but have tried dating websites. Unfortunately I cannot see myself going anywhere near a woman for a number of reason :- 1) I would not want to drop someone in the middle of my personal horror 2) I lack the confidence to be the kind hearted, charming and witty guy I was 3) I confess that I was in love with my FA and had never felt that strongly attracted to someone before 4) I am not sure I would feel comfortable being alone with a woman in case she turns around and becomes another FA.

I know the last one appears a bit paranoid. I was wondering has anyone found love after being FA? How did it happen for you? How long did it take before you where comfortable opening up to a woman?

[Franticwithworry]

TI don't think that the last one sounds paranoid at all. For the moment at least, it's very sensible.

That said, I'm an elderly woman so can't tell you from personal experience what WILL happen in these circumstances, only reassure you that, from personal experience, these kinds of experiences do fade into the background over time.

You'll never be the person you were before, but that's no bad thing. You will be older, wiser and will likely navigate life with a bit more caution. You may be even more kind-hearted and sensitive to others than you were before, in the end.

Maybe this year's Valentine's Day will be a write-off but there will be many more. Any romantic break-up takes a while to recover from. This one probably more than most as the betrayal was so deep. Be kind to yourself and take things slowly. I'm sure there is more romance out there for you, but heal first, and be the strongest best person you can be for any new love.

I wish you all the best there is.

PS I hope someone else comes in and is able to answer your questions more fully from a man's perspective.

[terrifieddad]

It is possible

I know this may be a bit of a late reply but I am sure it will help someone out there.

I was in a relationship at the time of my trial. Sadly it ended not long after as my partner was not really ready for a relationship, or so he said. Like the OP, I was firmly of the opinion that a relationship with a woman was all but impossible in the future. Being bisexual, I was quite prepared to accept that I was now effectively gay. I firmly believed that no woman would come near me and I doubted that I could trust a woman not to falsely accuse me again.

You will note that I write in the past tense. I was able to find a wonderful woman who is prepared to take me as I am and believes my innocence. I was very cautious at the beginning as you might expect, but I have learned to trust. It may have helped that I was honest with her from the beginning about trust issues.

I don't pretend that it was easy or that it is a bed of roses now. I have a loving relationship and a home and in less than 9 months after my acquittal. I still have no job but then that's nothing new for me. I still don't get to see my kids. I might be doing things in the wrong order, but I am still in a much better place than I was this time last year. It does not always feel like it, but it is much better now!

[Franticwithworry]

It's good to see you back here, terrifieddad, and I'm so pleased to hear that life is getting better for you now. I hope that the improvements continue and that gainful employment and access to your children are in your future.

[terrifieddad]

Thanks FWW. I do feel like a heck of a burden to others at times and I have warned my girlfriend that there could be some very tough times ahead. Every dead end job I fail to get will make me feel less worthy of existing. I hope I find something soon as I really don't want to drag her down too.

[Franticwithworry]

We all have baggage, terrifieddad. As for not finding work, try to think of it this way - we live in an ecomomy that doesn't function without at least a small percentage of unemployment. Potentially, we all need to take our turn and for the moment you are 'it'.

Who knows what's round the corner? It's as likely to be something wonderful as not.

[terrifieddad]

I have been "it" for a long time now. My arrest - despite my subsequent acquittal - has in all likelihood prevented me from pursuing any of the careers I ever wanted to. I can't even get bar work because of these stupid online assessments most pubcos use nowadays! The same applies to most of the bigger retailers.

I have not had proper employment for over 6 years now. I can't think of one employer who would take on someone in that situation. I am worried that my lack of employability (and self respect) will put a strain on our relationship when my partner ends up having to pay for everything. She says she will cope but a salary of 16k to support two people is going to be a hell of a struggle. I already feel that it is now impossible for me to ever be a net contributor to society in financial terms and I am finding it difficult to justify my own existence.

[Peter1975]

Good to hear from you TD

Have you thought about self employment? Starting a business? Is some education an option? A bloke that writes as intelligently as you must have some skills that the world needs. You perhaps just need to think outside the box.

[terrifieddad]

The problem with any form of self-employment is twofold. First you need a good idea for a business (and the skills to carry it out). Then you need capital! The latter is highly unlikely given my credit worthiness or lack thereof. Education would have to be alongside paid employment and that's if I had any clue of anything I could do that would give me a realistic chance of getting work. I live in Greater Manchester and we know what that means as far as police records are concerned, so it's pretty much a given that all "sensitive" sectors of employment are off limits. I also can't take the risk of any kind of notoriety in case this all blows up again and more publicly!

The only thing I know I have sufficient skills to scrape a living doing is doing pub gigs as a singer/guitar player. The two problems I have are that it's very hard to get into - especially with pubs closing down at a rate of knots; and that fear of any kind of fame!

[soulbug]

Although my ex was not the one that falsely accused me , we where living together at the time of my arrest , a deal was struck , If I was charged then we where game over , if I was not charged then life could continue as normal , this made things pretty difficult as everything seemed to be on hold in my personal life....anyhow I was charged , we broke up , I moved out , I then decided to try the dating game online whilst my case progress through the court system, but I must say their is some very dubious characters on those dating sites , but I did meet a fair few very nice ladies , one I had a relationship with for around 8 months....but she had issues with her ex .... we split and a few months later my case was thrown out by the judge as a abuse of process and I was given a permanent stay (case sealed never to be opened again) .

I went back on the dating game and happened to stumble across the person whom I was eventually to marry ! I have to she is ACE !!! we have been together for around 4 years , married for 2, so I can honestly say their is a light and love at the end of the tunnel.