Ex accused and due to answer bail this week, advice??

[Rights Fighter]

People who do not make things clear are playing mind games. You are not responsible for him. He's made his feelings clear. When he gets bored he'll be back asking for your attention. Do not give it to him. He's here on this planet for himself. His world revolves around himself only.

Deaf him out. Block him. If he contacts you in person tell him you are not interested and WALK AWAY. Don't get into conversations with him as this will go on, and on, and on, and on.......

[Franticwithworry]

I'm going to be really blunt here because I am very concerned for you -

These are your own words: he is a bit of a violent fantasist; he likes violent porn and wanted to act it out; he said he would love to see you raped; you don't know what to believe any more in terms of what happened with this other woman

There is more but that on its own should be enough to have you running a mile and not looking back. You need to be much more concerned for yourself and your own child than you are for him and his.

Please, take your money and get yourself some counselling or as was also suggested some meditation training. Again, to be blunt, you are much too needy and this man is potentially dangerous. This may or may not be a false accusation, as you say you don't know what to believe any more, but you cannot afford to have him in your or your child's life. While you are agonising over him, and how you can help him, you are not getting on with your life in the way that your child needs you to.

If you're not willing to protect yourself, please protect your child. This man is not good for you or them, physically or emotionally.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he is responsible for himself. You cannot fix him, he will not support you and you have to look elsewhere for what you need.

Don't you think he has hurt you enough? You walked away once. You can do it again. Please, please do. Enough people on here are telling you the same thing for you to please - pay attention.

[Rights Fighter]

Well said. I could not have put it better myself.

[Cruel world]

No your not blunt at all its spot on. I am frantic and edgy, I have no idea how I have gone from being stable and logical to being totally destabilised and dependant on the one person who has caused me all of the bother!

Maybe it is mind games. He does have a habit of suddenly calling lots if I move away. I don't know, he is making me out to be the crazy person and in a way I think I have become that!!! God knows how!

Cutting contact won't be difficult, he rarely messages these days because I'm not useful to him now. I have accepted I can't get the reassurances I need from him so there is no point trying.

Counselling ASAP is the way forward! Why do I feel desperate to be validated by this nasty man!? Quite right I have my own child and my own life yet I'm suddenly
Finding I have become totally emotionally dependant on this fool! That's not normal!

I need to cut ties and that's not the hard part, the hard part is finding a way to forget about it and not letting it make me so anxious!

[Franticwithworry]

No, you don't need to forget yet. If you are trying to do that you are making this too hard for yourself. In fact you must never forget the potential danger so that it can never happen again.

Break this down into steps -
1 block him so that there is no more contact between you
2 arrange counselling so that you can work out why you are so dependent on him and get some tools for dealing with that
3 learn to meditate so that you have at least one way of working through anxiety
4 spend some time with your child having some fun so you don't think about all this and focus on that and your joint futures.

If you put all you're energy into doing things like that, time will pass, useful skills will be learned and you will have a chance of turning this man into a distant memory.

Don't ever forget him. You need to remember to walk away from the sight of anyone remotely resembling him in the future. You just don't need him to be in the forefront of your mind as he is at the moment.

He only deserves to be a faint but very effective warning at the back of it.

[Cruel world]

Ahh right. True! I fell into a sink hole with this one!

I m disappointed in myself. I did not want to accept this situation for what it is at all! Every time I poured my heart out to him I was thinking I was explaining my feelings and all the while he never gave a dam and just found it inconvenient, had I realised he never had any intention of a future with me after this was over, or even that the so called friendship was intended to be one sided-ie he takes what he needs and then vanishes... I might have saved my dignity and not rambled on about caring about him and wanting to be supportive!

I have deleted his number, I doubt I'll hear from him again, the doctors is next, I've clearly developed an unhealthy dependancy on this fool, I do believe the allegation has hit me hard but it looks like the treatment from the relationship as a whole has unraveled me. To be fair to him as soon as I became a tad needy and inconvenient he left me well alone, dropped me like lead!!!its now me that is the one struggling with being used, drained and discarded.

[Rights Fighter]

Maybe it is mind games. He does have a habit of suddenly calling lots if I move away. I don't know, he is making me out to be the crazy person and in a way I think I have become that!!! God knows how!

Because you have allowed it to happen. That's why. You have to move on. Take notice of the wise words from FWW and WN.

[Franticwithworry]

Stop right there!!!

No more of - 'to be fair to him.......' No more making excuses for him.

Just turn your back, walk away and work on making things right with and for yourself and your child.

That's ALL who matter now. Yes, work out how this happened, with professional help, so that it doesn't happen again, but without excusing him. Ok? You've had a lucky escape. Go give your child a big, big hug.

Oh, and don't just delete his number, block it. It's just as important that he can't contact you as you can't contact him, and you're not really serious about it until you make sure he can't. 'He's not likely to' isn't good enough and leaves the door open just a crack and just a crack might be just a crack too much.

[Rights Fighter]

Cruel World

Cutting contact won't be difficult, he rarely messages these days because I'm not useful to him now.

Even if you were useful to him, best you don't get involved as this will rumble on and on and on and on...... as it is now.....in your mind..... Move on!


Cruel World

I have deleted his number, I doubt I'll hear from him again

Franticwithworry

Oh, and don't just delete his number, block it. It's just as important that he can't contact you as you can't contact him

I was about to say that! If you delete his number and he rings you, you'll answer not knowing it's him until he speaks. Just block the weasel!

[Cruel world]

Good point!

I roughly know the last few didgets enough to not answer an block it. I think he is too self absorbed to bother and at the moment has enough going on, over the past couple of weeks it was me checking in on him so I reckon he wants rid of me just as much and won't give me a second thought. I have become too much of a headache by the look of it. How very dare I not be there when he needs and then banish till I'm wanted again!

The contact from him doesn't bother me because I don't believe he will bother, he is clear on not wanting me around I just took a long time talking the hint and he could have been more honest and just said so! My issue is me not using him as emotional support because of my now damaged confidence/dependancy/need to be validated by him or reassured about the situation he is in. I need to find a better way to sort myself out and not be thinking about his problem

[Cruel world]

Found number online phone bill, deleted what's app which is where he spends 24/7 speaking to the smackrats off tinder, blocked number, need
To block via Facebook as well. All ave's covered! Doctors in 2 weeks for counselling to work on self esteem after being ditched for porn star wannabes and 1 night flings.... Now just need to make sure I personally don't try to re-establish any contact
With him even if it's to find out what happens. I gotta kick this to the kerb once an for all!!! Wouldn't mind we have been spilt up months and everytime he contacts me i end up re-living the bad break up and stressing about the charge

[Franticwithworry]

Found number online phone bill, deleted what's app which is where he spends 24/7 speaking to the smackrats off tinder, blocked number, need
To block via Facebook as well. All ave's covered! Doctors in 2 weeks for counselling to work on self esteem after being ditched for porn star wannabes and 1 night flings.... Now just need to make sure I personally don't try to re-establish any contact
With him even if it's to find out what happens. I gotta kick this to the kerb once an for all!!! Wouldn't mind we have been spilt up months and everytime he contacts me i end up re-living the bad break up and stressing about the charge

Fantastic! Well done!! Yes - you don't need to know what happens as it's none of your business! Once you've got you're head in order you can think about finding someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. You are clearly a very loving and caring person. Onward and upward, and again, well done; be proud of the progress you have made today as it's significant.

[Cruel world]

Thanks, will take it a day at a time. Right now I feel like I'm living a break up again, maybe when I did just walk away I buried it and didn't address anything, this allegation and the aftermath has pushed me into facing up to the harsh realities. Gonna focus on my life, he has plenty of go to girls and drink/drug buddies! Maybe if he is faced with losing his career and child he might pull his act together and treat his future partners a little bit better

Thanks guys xxx

[Lilyput]

Changed what as I was going to say as you've already cut contact So glad your making a clean break... Mr right is most certainly out there!

[supportivepartner]

advice?

Do not give him any money!!

He has to do this for himself.

There is offering emotional support and then there's him taking the p***.

We all need a good rant. Emotions are complex if only they could be turned off. Some people care too much and others take advantage of that.

We're friends, I'm supportive of him but equally he is supporting me through my own unrelated problem albeit via phone

What you've described isn't a friendship it's one person giving and the other just taking.

Hello. I hope everything is working out in this situation. Sorry to ask, but I could really do with some advice! I have been with my partner for 3 months, and about 9 weeks ago, when my daughter was just about to undergo a major operation, he was asked to go to the police station and charged with rape and harassment. I know this to be completely untrue for various reasons and pieces of evidence. His ex seems to be completely unstable. I don't know what her motives are; child access, jealousy, pure evil, or whatever, but it's happened and its a complete nightmare. What makes it worse, is that because he can't speak to her, he hasn't been able to see his children for that whole time. There have been expensive letters back and forth from solicitors, but things aren't getting anywhere because she's making unreasonable demands based on a complete lie. It is such a stressful situation, as he is understandably very down and angry. He supported my children and I through my daughter's operation, he's been amazing, but he's starting to let this consume him as he feels completely powerless to do anything. The process is going very slowly, the police don't seem to be doing anything. It's so awful that he's being treated like a criminal, when actually now she has made false allegations, she is.

I am doing the best I can to support him. I've read loads of feeds on here about it, and forwarded him the advice to stay strong, exercise, don't let her win, focus on his children, etc, but that all sounds so easy to say and so hard to do. Any other advice?

Regarding the legal processes, what can we expect? He's found out today that he is being re-bailed tomorrow for the harassment charge. Does that mean that the police haven't looked into his case properly? Or could it be a sign that they haven't found anything substantial to prosecute yet?

Regarding child access, if he can't speak to her and we can't afford to keep sending letters back and forth, what can we do? I don't see how even when child access is arranged, how this can work practically?! What if the children are ill and can't come, how will we find out etc? It's utter nonsense as up until she decided to make these spurious claims, he had open access to the children with overnight stays and they were communicating fine. She even sent him an email about reconciling their differences for the sake of the children and asking him to forgive her for things she did wrong in their past. Another question, would that email be admissible as evidence does anyone know?

Thank you and good luck to everyone else in this truly terrible nightmare!!!!