Ex accused and due to answer bail this week, advice??

[wakingnightmare]

Tbh i dont judge anybody but find it a little hard as my OH has always been so respectful of women never had a one night stand or cheated and has still been accused of rape

That being said it is a horrific lie to tell about a person whether they are cheater or womaniser or they a celibate priest. I think everybody should come here to get support with out judgement, as its a dreadful thing to happen to anybody.

Though I think OP should leave the support to her exs friends and family she can do far better!

Cruel world knows that, I think she always knew that , she needed to work through her thought processes and reach her own conclusions. She just needed a nudge to realise she's no need to feel guilty nor was she responsible for him or his fate. She'd a lot going on but she got there.

In fairness to her Ex my understanding was this incident took place after they'd broken up so he didn't actually cheat on her. Other behaviour doesn't put him in a good light agreed but it's not fair to accuse him of cheating. He'd moved on and she hadn't. Now cruel world is ready to move on and I wish her well doing that.

[Lilyput]

I agree i think we need to work through stuff break ups are complicated and false allegations are complicated the two together must be very confusing xx

[Rights Fighter]

Wakingnightmare said

In fairness to her Ex my understanding was this incident took place after they'd broken up so he didn't actually cheat on her. Other behaviour doesn't put him in a good light agreed but it's not fair to accuse him of cheating. He'd moved on and she hadn't. Now cruel world is ready to move on and I wish her well doing that.

So sorry I hadn't realised - my mistake and I do apologise unreservedly to Cruel World for my mistake.

I am skim reading at the moment as working on another appeal. This one has lots of paperwork so will take much longer to get through. That's my excuse anyway.....

[Rights Fighter]

As someone who left a cheating husband I agree wholeheartedly.

I am though very mindful that there are men on this forum who've done what you describe and come here looking for support, as do their partners and I'd hate to think they stopped posting through fear of being judged.

It's my day for apologising!

I didn't mean that we should all judge him; my thoughts were that she is going through all this agony for somebody who who appears not to be a particularly nice guy.

Many men who have been falsely accused after a one night stand or an affair are genuinely remorseful that they cheated and of course, they do deserve to be supported. But some just refuse to accept help and support, treat their partners or ex partners like dirt and only change their attitude if they want something.

I was referring to the latter while I was having a rant.

[Rights Fighter]

Thank you and the same to you.
In life there are two people, those that give and those that take.
Please try if you can focus on your studies especially your revision, it helps keeping your mind occupied with positive things.

I won't be much online as I have a exams next week and I need to revise, but when I return, if your still around I will send you a private message so we can talk more in private. I'm sorry I can offer more emotional support.

This seems to be an opportune moment to remind new members that nobody who first joins this group knows anything about the other members.

We recently had a problem with two male members who PM'd ladies behind the scenes and that caused some problems. One was extremely nasty when she didn't succumb to his advances and the other worried her to the extent that she sent me screenshots of the PM exchanges from here and on Facebook.

Not everybody is what they first appear to be.

The way around this would be to deactivate PMs and emails via your own personal settings. If you then feel you wish to contact somebody in the background, then maybe check out their threads and responses to threads first, so you can get a better idea of who they are and what they are about. You can do this by clicking on their profile name; and from there checking out their general demeanour and how they interact with other members.

If you are then happy with what you have read, you can then add them as contacts and chat away to your heart's content!

[Lilyput]

Love this RF! I won't even read PM's if I haven't spoken often on the forum with the person, had some very unpleasant ones before now!

[Rights Fighter]

Thanks Lilyput! Yes I saw a couple......

You can stop them coming. Just amend the PM setting in your profile so nobody can PM you without being a contact.

[Casehardened]

I was going to move these last three posts as being off-topic to Cruel World's thread but can't think of another suitable section to rehome them in so will have to leave them here for now!

However I think it would be good to have something along these lines stickied in the introductory section for the benefit of new members. (will cut'n'paste some of RF's wording unless somebody else would like to write this up)

[Rights Fighter]

Yes CH I do apologise (again today!). I Just thought it an opportune time to say something, as we do know that not all members are no what they initially seem to be. I suppose you could use the same words at the top of each sub-forum?

[Cruel world]

i am staying true to the person I am, I believe he is going out socialising and continuing his womanising ways, that hurts but such is life.

I used to be in the army and I have seen enough of the cruel realitys the world has to offer! I'll never abandon anyone even if I know they are taking the absolute p!ss out of me! Ultimately I can hop off this earth when my time is done and know that I was there, I cared about people even when they laughed or threw it in my face, and I should get to spend at least a little bit of time in heaven for my efforts!

this site is great for ex's and partners, the emotional rollercoaster of these accusations hits more than 1 person and i think the fact people are so ready to offer support to one another is a lifeline! I can feel love, hate, acceptance, worry, anger, paranoia, sadness, indifference several times a day of I let myself think about it too much!

[Cruel world]

Ooooo just to clarify, he did actually cheat and used the 'I was messed up line' and we broke up, I kinda knew he was going off the rails an hoped he could pull hiself together before the worst happened, well worse than worse happened and he called me to tell me he had been dating and this had been the outcome of one of the dates.

I was angry because I had already asked him to leave me alone if he had started dating since I had hoped he was using the time following our split to be a better person for him and his child, not keeping a pin in me whilst he slept around.

he didn't cheat on me with the false accuser. I genuinely think he lives in a hedonistic fashion and it's sad to see because he is good looking, funny, has a good job, a brilliant child and a loving family! He had a lovely wife and a nice girlfriend prior to me and I find it really heartbreaking that he opts a lifestyle that would suit a teenager and seems to have no regard for anyone he hurts in the process!

He sells hmself short and that's sad!

Ain't my problem anymore tho. Supporting from a distance and updating this site with the outcome for anyone in similar scenario.

I will always always wish him the best and hope that one day he wakes up and realises he lets go of too much good in favour of people who he shouldn't waste time on

[Bene]

This seems to be an opportune moment to remind new members that nobody who first joins this group knows anything about the other members.

We recently had a problem with two male members who PM'd ladies behind the scenes and that caused some problems. One was extremely nasty when she didn't succumb to his advances and the other worried her to the extent that she sent me screenshots of the PM exchanges from here and on Facebook.

Not everybody is what they first appear to be.

The way around this would be to deactivate PMs and emails via your own personal settings. If you then feel you wish to contact somebody in the background, then maybe check out their threads and responses to threads first, so you can get a better idea of who they are and what they are about. You can do this by clicking on their profile name; and from there checking out their general demeanour and how they interact with other members.

If you are then happy with what you have read, you can then add them as contacts and chat away to your heart's content!

Okay. Thank you for letting me know.

[wakingnightmare]

I'm even more confused now Hun.

You break up as he'd cheated. He dates other people and ends up being falsely accused. He tells you. You spent time supporting him and tying yourself in knots emotionally for him.

I don't understand why he told you as he's not behaving like he's concerned nor do I understand why you've given him all this headspace.

There is nothing you say that makes him sound anything other than a selfish self absorbed idiot.

My Ex & I have talked about this post and he did say perhaps your Ex is too ashamed to tell family as it's not an easy thing to say. But neither of us understands what you are getting from this. You really must be amazing to put yourself in this position.

No need to answer Cruel World I'm simply thinking out loud

[AmandaF]

i am staying true to the person I am, I believe he is going out socialising and continuing his womanising ways, that hurts but such is life.

I used to be in the army and I have seen enough of the cruel realitys the world has to offer! I'll never abandon anyone even if I know they are taking the absolute p!ss out of me! Ultimately I can hop off this earth when my time is done and know that I was there, I cared about people even when they laughed or threw it in my face, and I should get to spend at least a little bit of time in heaven for my efforts!

this site is great for ex's and partners, the emotional rollercoaster of these accusations hits more than 1 person and i think the fact people are so ready to offer support to one another is a lifeline! I can feel love, hate, acceptance, worry, anger, paranoia, sadness, indifference several times a day of I let myself think about it too much!

What a magnanimous person you must be. All the best to you and I hope you find what you deserve with someone who deserves you. The world needs more people with your humble attitude

[Cruel world]

Walking nightmare I am just as confused! I have no idea why he felt the need to tell me. I think in the shock he felt I was someone he could speak to. Of course it left me beyond worried and confused!

I think this site has helped me to realise I am embroiled in someone else's problems, I worry about it lots but there is no reassurance from him. In fact on occasions if I do (rarely) message to ask how he is doing, sometimes he will ignore me altogether. I get my support here and it's shown me some perspective.