Ex accused and due to answer bail this week, advice??

[Lilyput]

Sorry this happened to your ex and your going through the emotional stress of supporting him. I have to say I don't like that he went on about 'her big fake boobs' or graphic sexual details with his very hurt ex whom he cheated on.

Sure he's a nice guy but if he isn't going to put your feelings first please make sure you do <3 as you seem like a really kind caring person.

[Cruel world]

Thanks lilyput. He hasn't actually ever demonstrated any small sign of being a nice guy. I don't believe he would hurt anyone physically but there has never been any thought for me. In any case her massive fake boobs looked ridiculous and spoiled what would have otherwise been a pretty face had she been wearing clothes!!!

It has all been hurtful, best to move on and hope he can be happy and get hiself through this ordeal and come out a better person..................!!!!

[Rights Fighter]

Wakingnightmare said

Do not give him any money!!

He has to do this for himself.

There is offering emotional support and then there's him taking the p***.

We all need a good rant. Emotions are complex if only they could be turned off. Some people care too much and others take advantage of that.

We're friends, I'm supportive of him but equally he is supporting me through my own unrelated problem albeit via phone

What you've described isn't a friendship it's one person giving and the other just taking.

Excellent advice!


Lilput said

Sorry this happened to your ex and your going through the emotional stress of supporting him. I have to say I don't like that he went on about 'her big fake boobs' or graphic sexual details with his very hurt ex whom he cheated on.

Sure he's a nice guy but if he isn't going to put your feelings first please make sure you do <3 as you seem like a really kind caring person.

Excellent advice!


You said

Thanks lilyput. He hasn't actually ever demonstrated any small sign of being a nice guy. I don't believe he would hurt anyone physically but there has never been any thought for me. In any case her massive fake boobs looked ridiculous and spoiled what would have otherwise been a pretty face had she been wearing clothes!!!

It has all been hurtful, best to move on and hope he can be happy and get hiself through this ordeal and come out a better person..................!!!!

He's put himself into this situation.

He doesn't come across as being a particularly pleasant person.

He appears to be treating you like sh*t and expecting money from you on top of all that.

BLOCK HIM! You don't need this sh*t - really you don't! You don't deserve it.

Let him to sort it out himself and please try to find yourself a decent fellah. There must be a few around somewhere........

And breath......

[Rights Fighter]

I hate to see good women supporting complete wastes of space, even if they are not guilty. It's not your job to sort him out it's his. You're not his mother!! GGRRRRR!

And breath

[Lilyput]

It sounds like she has a costly lifestyle plastic surgery etc maybe that's he motivation for lying to get compensation. I wasn't saying he was a rapist just he doesn't sound very respectful towards you hun, I hope you find someone really amazing when the time is right.
And hope it all works out for your ex no one deserves to go on trial for something they haven't done <3

[Cruel world]

Lilyput your spot on with everything
You have said and I appreciate it. Coming here is the best move I made! From the details I got she sounds like a very spoilt brat, although I am also wondering if she has her own personal issues, I mentioned she was married to another girl which ended in Jan, the stream of guys since and the seemingly attention seeking behaviour towards me ex doesn't spell a happy content person. I wonder if she either had a bit of a tantrum or was disappointed with my ex-because he isn't nice to woman, he didn't try to message her when she left the room to even check she got home safely. I wonder if she felt used and angry and regretted the whole thing but has mistaken regret for force, told her mum who has then reported it. I am not sure how it will be looked at, they have his phone so will look at the messages between them both but I have been reading that her sexual history won't be brought up at trial because in the end even if she instigated sex she is within her right to remove consent during, so nothing about her past would seem to matter.

Who knows!

Thanks rights fighter that's really sweet, I am far from perfect but I would have cared about him to the bitter end most likely at my own expense, I can only hope that he survives this and his kid doesn't have to go through anything, and ultimately that he wakes up and starts to treat his future girlfriends/friends/family with respect! It is too late for me but he would find it easier to be around nice people if he actually behaving in a nice way!! Like attracts like!

So many people seem to go through this horrendous situation, there doesn't seem to be any particular pattern, I think online dating app's are not helping much!

[wakingnightmare]

Whether he survives this or not is down to him not you. You know what you need to do so do it. He's probably so self absorbed he won't notice at first.

You mentioned a decent bloke you'd met, why not give him a call and see if he's still free. Good luck with the course

x

[Cruel world]

Cheers guys.

The money thing was me, I would have paid towards it, in fairness he probably wouldn't have accepted that. He is disrespectful but full of male pride.

I am going to leave him too it, I'll update the thread if I hear anything so the people in their hell can follow.

I think I have felt like I can't be with someone else until I know he is ok because I would feel guilty having an ex occupy my thoughts! Suppose life is a bit short to be wasting my own life on someone else's mistakes.

Still hopefull it will all be over ASAP and I will t have to give him any brain space at all!!!

Hmmmm decent guys...... Sure there are some, I just have an innate ability to pluck out the wrong un's!

Best of luck to all in a situation like this accused or supporting accused x

[Bene]

Cheers guys.

The money thing was me, I would have paid towards it, in fairness he probably wouldn't have accepted that. He is disrespectful but full of male pride.

I am going to leave him too it, I'll update the thread if I hear anything so the people in their hell can follow.

I think I have felt like I can't be with someone else until I know he is ok because I would feel guilty having an ex occupy my thoughts! Suppose life is a bit short to be wasting my own life on someone else's mistakes.

Still hopefull it will all be over ASAP and I will t have to give him any brain space at all!!!

Hmmmm decent guys...... Sure there are some, I just have an innate ability to pluck out the wrong un's!

Best of luck to all in a situation like this accused or supporting accused x

Dear cruel world,

You seem like such a sweet girl!!! My heart breaks for you as it seems like your suffering more than he is, and this is his mistake not yours!! From what you've described he seems like a right piece of poo) forgive my language) maybe not a rapist but still a scumbag)
I know you want to be there for him and support him as a true friend, but to what cost? A friendship or any form of any relationship consists of giving and receiving. As You've stated he doesn't consider your feelings and all he does is take and demand things from you but his not there when you need him. So therefore What are you truly getting out of this friendship?

This might sound quite harsh but in all honestly forget him!! You've had a lucky escape. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that treated you so poorly as you've described he treated you in the past? Your allowed to move on with your life) a lovely girl and can do billion times better than him. This is his mistake that was caused by his poor actions. I'm sure he has family and other female friends to offer him support.

Please focus on yourself like you've said. In one of your posts you said your doing a law degree and revising? Girl so I'm I) anyway back to you!!! Sometimes in life, regardless of how much we love and care for someone the best think well the right think to do is to care from a distance.


I wish you the best of luck with your revision and studies. Please I know its hard but think about yourself and your needs come first.

[Cruel world]

Aww good luck with the dreaded exams!!!

I will be ok. Before him I was so laid back an not the type to be jealous or insecure, now I find myself making comparisons to this girl and god knows what else he jumped in with! It's floored my confidence and trust in other guys. I was doing ok moving on until this shock revelation and for some reason I almost hyperventilate when I think 'rape charge' he might have the depth of a shallow puddle but his family will be crushed by this as I have been.

I was so hurt this week, i poured my heart out to him a while back and after the flippant conversation we had this week I realise how misplaced my feelings and concerns have been. There are people who go through these things and deserve as much support as possible, maybe they will be difficult or emotionally they may struggle but they need and deserve the help that people can offer. Then there are people like him who despite the huge trouble he lands his self in will continue to use, drain and enjoy other people's despair. I am fast learning some people genuinely learn from the mistakes they make and others carry on bulldozing through life at the expense of anyone in the way.

I will make sure I offer my support more wisely in future!

[Bene]

Aww good luck with the dreaded exams!!!

I will be ok. Before him I was so laid back an not the type to be jealous or insecure, now I find myself making comparisons to this girl and god knows what else he jumped in with! It's floored my confidence and trust in other guys. I was doing ok moving on until this shock revelation and for some reason I almost hyperventilate when I think 'rape charge' he might have the depth of a shallow puddle but his family will be crushed by this as I have been.

I was so hurt this week, i poured my heart out to him a while back and after the flippant conversation we had this week I realise how misplaced my feelings and concerns have been. There are people who go through these things and deserve as much support as possible, maybe they will be difficult or emotionally they may struggle but they need and deserve the help that people can offer. Then there are people like him who despite the huge trouble he lands his self in will continue to use, drain and enjoy other people's despair. I am fast learning some people genuinely learn from the mistakes they make and others carry on bulldozing through life at the expense of anyone in the way.

I will make sure I offer my support more wisely in future!

Thank you and the same to you.
In life there are two people, those that give and those that take.
Please try if you can focus on your studies especially your revision, it helps keeping your mind occupied with positive things.

I won't be much online as I have a exams next week and I need to revise, but when I return, if your still around I will send you a private message so we can talk more in private. I'm sorry I can offer more emotional support.

[AmandaF]

Cruel World- yes it is indeed!

You appear to be an articulate , compassionate woman and I'm sure you will eventually decide what is the best for you in these circumstances.
Your story reminds me a bit of Ched Evans!! I don't believe he is a rapist but to cheat on his girlfriend which became a very public affair was pretty low I might say.

However, if you feel you can give him support whilst distancing yourself so as not to be hurt any more it may be worth considering as being falsely accused is a terrible place to be . If not, it may be time to move on.

Does he want your support still? Is anyone else offering to help? (Sorry have only skim read your story).

I hope you find peace in your decisions either way, but concentrate on yourself.
Atb

[Rights Fighter]

Your story reminds me a bit of Ched Evans!! I don't believe he is a rapist but to cheat on his girlfriend which became a very public affair was pretty low I might say.

Absolutely! We read so much about men who go off on one night stands, the girls regret it and then cry "rape". Many of these men already have partners - it must be awful for those ladies who still stand by their man despite the disloyalty and cheating. Some say "well he's so sorry he cheated". Actually he's sorry he was found out about it, in the worse way possible.

Leave him to his own devices. You deserve so much better.

[wakingnightmare]

Absolutely! We read so much about men who go off on one night stands, the girls regret it and then cry "rape". Many of these men already have partners - it must be awful for those ladies who still stand by their man despite the disloyalty and cheating. Some say "well he's so sorry he cheated". Actually he's sorry he was found out about it, in the worse way possible.

Leave him to his own devices. You deserve so much better.

As someone who left a cheating husband I agree wholeheartedly.

I am though very mindful that there are men on this forum who've done what you describe and come here looking for support, as do their partners and I'd hate to think they stopped posting through fear of being judged.

[Lilyput]

Tbh i dont judge anybody but find it a little hard as my OH has always been so respectful of women never had a one night stand or cheated and has still been accused of rape

That being said it is a horrific lie to tell about a person whether they are cheater or womaniser or they a celibate priest. I think everybody should come here to get support with out judgement, as its a dreadful thing to happen to anybody.

Though I think OP should leave the support to her exs friends and family she can do far better!