Ex accused and due to answer bail this week, advice??

[Cruel world]

I have been reading posts on here for the past 10 weeks since my ex was accused.

Brief background.... I met this guy 12 months ago. Our relationship ended because he had his own emotional issues and was not really in a great place to be in a relationship. I think he had struggled from a previous relationship that ended badly and he probably should have stayed single!

I feel for him and despite the relationship ending I always hoped that at some point in the future then his 'going off the rails' was done we could give things a real shot. We kept in touch from time to time but I could see he was still living a chaotic life, drinking and partying way too hard!!

Anyway..... He meets a lovely lady (sarcasm) on tinder. They text for a few weeks, the nature of the messages are mainly sexual, she sends pictures of herself naked and masturbating, brags that since divorcing her wife in January she had slept with 4 guys. He is the type to get an ego boast from attention because he is very insecure despite being lovely looking. She paid him the attention he craved but also did and said odd things that made her sound like a spolt and slightly odd gal (attempts to make him jealous and implying she loves getting presents) this is before they even met!!

He eventually booked a hotel in a city in the middle of where they both live on her suggestion. They have this date and all goes ok with them doing the usual kissing and fondling. She says some odd things like how he won't be going on lads holidays now he is with her and even though she dabbles with drugs he won't be doing any of that. He has a few alarm bells but stupidly and by his own admission he was fascinated by her and her huge fake boobs (he is a stupid typical male)

They decide to go back to his hotel for drinks at about 7pm, in the taxi she is grabbing his groin, they get out and walk to the hotel room without any need for discussion. He said in the room they kiss and she took her own clothes off, they have sex (stomach turning!!!) and afterwards they lay there cuddling (sick in mouth) and she starts to get insecure about him seeing her again now they had sex. He reassures her but said she wouldn't let it drop. He does lack patience with that kinda thing so he started getting a bit frustrated and said her acting spoilt and dictating what he can and can't do is what will make him not want to see her! In the end she got up got dressed and called her mum from the room to collect her, walked out and waited for a lift. He waited for a while then went to the bar as he couldn't drive home. Then arrested on rape charge about an hour later!

She says they started having sex and she changed her mind but he wouldn't stop, she then went to the bathroom and called her mum-not true, she stood by the bed and Called because my ex could hear the full conversation from her mum as well!

They have kept his phone but when he bought another he was surprised to log onto Facebook to see she hadn't deleted him, she had posted selfies the very next morning after making the accusation, then started bragging about going away on holiday!

He was re-bailed after the first 3 weeks for another 7 and he is due to go back this week.

Any advice???

The worst thing is I can't help him. I am far too emotionally involved and I realised he needs friends, I obviously love him and I miss him, I find in trying to be there as a friend, I end up getting worried and I then need the reassurance!!! It all came to a head last week and he said the last thing he can think about is a relationship! And I understood I have actually been really selfish thinking we could ride off into the sunset when this is over! I really laid into him because on one hand I feel stuck and I can't move on until I know he is ok, and on the other hand I just want to be with him and make everything better! In the midst of my own confusion I ended up lashing out at him and I felt like the worst human on the planet!!!!

I am leaving it alone now because I can't be a friend to him without adding to his problems (hate myself for that!) and A future relationship between us is less than likely!

I just want to know he will be ok, how can she do this to him?? I know he is stupid but he is not a rapist! He has a daughter who adores him and he is a fun, decent person who just has some issues that have led to him making poor choices, most men would have legged it!!! The thought that this girl could ruin his life destroys me!

I hope this doesn't come across as being insensitive towards true victims, I have actually tried to look at this from her point and maybe she has her own insecurities or battles, I just don't know! But I do know that sending the pictures she sent (seen them :-/) , groping him and going back to his hotel room and bragging about her previous sexual history doesn't sound to me like someone who was forced into the vilest act o can think of.

No shouts, screams, torn clothes, bruises, marks.... Again I know psychological trauma may mean not all victims struggle but can anyone suggest the likelihood of this goin anywhere??

Guess I just want to know he will be ok so I can let him go, and if anything happens to him it will affect his daughter who I adore with all of my heart! The very thought kills me

[Cruel world]

Any advice? I know it's long winded but any nfa stories to give some hope?? Anyone know if 10 weeks on bail is likely to see another extension??

[wakingnightmare]

Hello

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You'll find lots of people here supporting OHs, family members and you will get lots of support.

For once I'm tired so I'll reply properly tomorrow but I noticed your post had gone unanswered and as I'm supporting an Ex I feel for you x . Your feelings are totally normal, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. It sounds like you Ex wasn't in a good place to begin with. Sometimes you might need to give him some space and allow yourself some space and a day off from the worry.

I'll reply properly tomorrow

WN

[joe_3178]

Hi sorry to hear about this. You sound like a true friend to him even if a relationship is not going to happen. One thing I want to say is that an awful lot of cases do get NFA'd (ie dropped once they go to the CPS and not charged). The events prior to the allegation, the messages, the sharing of pictures etc should help to weaken the case so from what you've described I think it's good to keep positive and where possible offer him friendly support, as he will need it.

[joe_3178]

Additionally you mentioned he was answering bail very soon. Just so you know there are a few outcomes of this; he may be rebailed for another period of time (basically because the police are slow and lack in their duty of care resulting in lengthy periods on bail) or he may receive a NFA (no further action) which would be fantastic. Or he could be charged, which if happens will be difficult but a chance at least for the case to be properly determined by a jury.

Let us know if you have any specific questions or advice you are looking for and if you wish to please keep us updated on the results of the bail date

[Cruel world]

Thanks loads for the reply. I am defiantly giving him space, by his own admission a relationship is the last thing on his mind! He told me that during an argument and it really hit home how I have been fairly selfish to have any expectations! It's difficult. Obviously you want to take any pain an trouble away from someone you care for and at the same time I found I struggled and worried and I needed someone! In caring and trying to be supportive I think I probably caused more upset than help.

In a very odd way I kinda would rather a charge than another re-bail! I know no jury in the world could convict on this and she would be put right! This re-bail situation is a form of torture!

I am giving him as much space as possible an trying to move on with my own life, I just can't believe someone can do this!! And when a child is involved! What an absolute creature! And to think she has absolutely no remorse..... It was her mum that actually made the call and reported it.

And it's the aftermath, rebuilding a life after someone has done this!

Hopefully he will let me know how he gets on an I'll update, I messaged him last week to say I was thinking about him and to let me know as I would be worrying! I am trying to revise for uni exams (law funnily enough!) keeping busy an wanting to hug him an kill him at the same time

[wakingnightmare]

I think you're doing the best thing you can at the moment letting him know you're there if he needs you. Recognising that a relationship isn't an option is best for both of you at this stage, don't feel guilty that you'd hoped for more. You obviously care for him a great deal and it's only natural to want more.

It's incredibly difficult you want to make it all better but you can't. Sadly he needs to wait for the system to run its course and it can take months even years. His emotions and moods will fluctuate rapidly and that's hard to predict.

As I said I'm supporting an Ex and it is a hard position to be in, you want information and to know what's happening yet you've no real right to ask him. You need to work out what is easier for you, stepping away and not knowing what's going on or occupying the odd position you do now but knowing what's happening and supporting where you can. If you can accept he's purely a friend going through a horrible trauma then hang in there. Who is supporting you whilst you are supporting him? You can't invest all your energy in him whilst neglecting your own wellbeing.

[Cruel world]

I think stepping away is going to be better for him. He was a bit of a womaniser before so I think he has lots of female friends who probably support him. I'll always pick up the phone to him if he calls an I don't think I'll ever fully rest easy until I know that this is over. You got it spot on with saying wanting to know but having no real right, I am pretty much just an ex so to make any demands or have any hopes is unjust. It's just sad because obviously I hoped we could have a future together at some point in the future, then this has happened and it's just ripped any dreams I had apart. Again it seems selfish to be thinking of what I wanted to happen, it's the injustice that one persons false lies can devastate so much!

She is a good looking girl, makes herself look like a porn star extra but certainly attractive, so I can't see why she would conduct herself like that in the first place!!! And to then go on and accuse someone of this makes my blood boil!

I'm finding it difficult because if I try to put it to the back of my mind and go out on dates an move on I struggle, then I get irritated and feel stuck again all because of one persons stupidity!

ill just be there when/if he needs an try to move on with my own life, we are only in our early 30's and I'm at a point in life where I want to be settled down an in a stable relationship, I can never ask that of him now

Horrible scenario for anyone to go through

[Cruel world]

Re-bailed till the 24th. Got a letter on Wednesday but had been out on Monday and lost phone, I called to check in and he basically said he is happy and getting on with life and he was sure if they thought he was a rapist they would be knocking on the door to arrest him.

Can't help but worry. Seems he is still drinking to extreme lengths, hasn't put anything in place financially just in case, I have spent hours researching outcomes and the best legal teams, what might happen in regards to his job or access to his daughter, I feel like he is burying his head in the sand and still taking huge life risks when he should be making sure he is mentally sound and as prepared as possible for what may happen!!! He hasn't told his family, I am worried about his mental state because it's his poor choices that got him into this mess in the first place!

Anyway after the conversation we had he was very flippant and tanked me for my concern and told me in future he would let me know what's going on rather than leave me wondering. Basically I took the conversation as a big F off I'm dealing with it in my own way and enjoying my life as best I can

i did shed a few tears but maybe his naivety and this strong belief that justice will prevail is the best way he can cope. I just worry his world will come crashing down if they attempt to charge, I have read the CPS handbook back to front and they are very clever about giving pages of info and actually saying nothing! So to me there really is no way of knowing what they will try!

He is of the illusion that they will clearly see reason and drop the entire thing, I know that actually they are trying anything possible to get another statistic!

Anyway long winded rant, it's nothing but my own perspective and Ranting on here stops me from wanting to shake him! It really is none of my business I think he made that clear on the phone in a nice way. I just hope more than ever that the cps do drop it!!!

He does have a slightly perverse set of fantasies and I worry that they will be obvious in any text messages he sent to her and other girls he had on the bounce, and they could be used to tar his character.

What I would say is if anyone reads this and they have a partner who they have pushed away.... Re-think that because the chances are they are struggling just as much and you might as well struggle together because feeling lonely in this nightmare makes the hell even harder! Bit different in my case because the relationship was already as dead as a door mouse.

[wakingnightmare]

Oh how I feel for you, so been there.

Remember there was a period of time when he didn't answer calls etc and I'd convinced myself he'd done something stupid. He talked about doing it so I'd grounds to be worried. When he eventually resurfaced I told him in no uncertain terms how selfish he'd been and he really hadn't thought. Not realised I was going through this too.

The burying head in sand approach seems quite common reading others posts on here. I think it understandable in a way too, think about what he's facing. You know how worried you are but you're not the one facing prison imagine how much worse you'd feel if you were. Hopefully he will work his way through this period.

In my situation by the time the charge came he'd got his head together enough to have a very good solicitor in place and had refocused. I'm really proud of how well he's coped because there really was a very dark period when I thought he'd never make it.

It's good to be informed but you can scare yourself by trying to second guess what could happen.

You can only help him if he wants you too and right now he's giving a pretty clear indication he doesn't want it. You need to decide whether you're going to heed that or ignore it. Sometimes the burden of involving other people can be too much

Perhaps you could agree you'll speak once a week/fortnight so you get peace of mind and he gets space.

I think you need to wean yourself of this relationship and allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you'd wanted and I suspect part of you still hopes for.

WN

[Cruel world]

Thanks,

Defiantly lost any hope of a relationship in the future. Just won't be a possibility. It is the worry, knowing he hasn't been in a great place mentally for some time I can't help worry! And it has infuriated me slightly that he knows this and at the very least he could drop me a text when he has been re-bailed. He did message me after the phone call to say he isn't really happy and ok he was just at work so couldn't really go into it. Kinda annoying he is happy to drop his problems on my doorstep without sparing me any of the gory details and hasn't got the slightest shred of afterthought as to how I might be sat getting anxious because he had a pending bail date, I held off calling at first because I didn't want to bother him but I was so worried! And he was like yeah I got a letter days ago but I lost my phone on a bender. He had absolutely no idea as to why I would be concerned!

I do need to leave it. I suppose I can't really influence his actions in anyway. So frustrating. If someone came along and told me they could take away all of his problems but I would never see or hear from him again I would happily take it. I jist feel totally stuck and unable to move on with my life until I know this is over, realistically that could take years so I'm being stupid. Also having read so much I feel he will face a charge, I know a jury wouldn't convict but the entire case rests on consent, she could withdraw consent even after penetration. The law says consent is a matter for a jury to decide....

I guess all I can hope for is he finds the strength to focus his prioritise and be prepared, I'll leave him to it, if he calls I'll be there as best as I can, I feel better knowing you have had a similar scenario and he pulled it together, I can't begin to imagine how he feels or what he is going through but it seems like he is beating the hell out of the self destruct button and mentally isn't stable enough

[wakingnightmare]

You can't save him sweetheart however much you want to.

Hopefully he'll realise he has to fight this soon. You can only do so much.

I found doing constructive things helped - people suggest social media as a good place for information evidence. Screenshot anything you find that might be useful. You mentioned solicitors have you actually approached any, they can't do anything before charge but you could find out if they take legal aid or how much it might cost him.No names need mentioning at this point. Hopefully none of it will be needed but it will help you. I'm sensing you feel like you can't walk away. Perhaps doing this will give you a sense of control.

He probably couldn't talk at work. He doesn't really think about what you're going through because he's so overwhelmed by what he's going through. He's desperately trying to pretend it's not happening and if he acknowledged you were worried he'd have to admit this was happening.

How far in to this is he? Is this 1st bail date?

Here after initial free fall he boxed it off until bail date and it was when re bailed he went to bad place. Because of developments I knew charge was inevitable so I really did hang in there. After about a month something seemed to click and he started to take some control and as I said focus.

The police spoke to me at the very beginning so I've always felt very involved and I will be needed as defence witness so I can't just put it to one side although I really wish I could at times.

For your own sake set yourself a period of time a day or week whatever you feel you need to worry about it and the rest of the time don't think about it. You'll drive yourself mad otherwise the waiting for something to happen on bail is unbearable yet you don't want anything to happen in case it's bad. Very unique type of torture this.

If you want to PM me any time feel free x

[Cruel world]

Thanks so much nearly brought a tear to my eye! He has always been the type to call or come round when he wants and then expect me to go away when he doesn't want. That hasn't changed and probably never will. The lack of care or thought towards me does hurt, I am pretty much a go to girl nothin more. I am embroiled in the worry for him, for his child who I love very much. None of that is relevant to him and I do understand with what he is dealing with my concerns or emotions are not even entering his mind.

I would just find it so much easier if he took control. I have found a few solicitors who seem to come up on these sites, I have money to at least lend him for initial appointments and then hopefully he can tell his parents who might help. He spends all of his money on socialising-this really irritates me! He is a unison member and thinks they will pay. I am a former unison member so I contacted an old friend who works quite high up in unison and he basically said no chance, they may offer a discount but even that is pushing it.

In my humble opinion he needs to level out the social activity (stay away from girls beer drugs and gambling) he could be approaching solicitors, many offer free initial 30 mins, he could tell his parents and get a decent support network, go to the doctors for anti-depressants.

I will do as you suggested and try
To keep focuses on my own life and only allow a smaller space for him to occupy, I have absolutely no problem being there for him as and when needed but I think there needs to be a bit more of an understanding between us!

I do get slightly bitter because he lied and cheated on me and I walked away without getting overly angry, of course I hoped for miracles and a change in his behaviour and I think he always messaged me to put a proverbial pin in me just in case he wanted me. All the while he was actually put on dates and sleeping around on tinder. I had met a lovely guy and I was doing ok moving on and then he dropped this bombshell!!! I was so angry because I had told him by all means keep in touch but if your going out with other people let me go! Anyway he didn't listen and now here I am concerned about someone who just doesn't and hasn't ever cared about me! No matter how hard I try I cannot rest until it's over and he and his child are ok. It makes me laugh in spite
Of it all because he thanks me for my concern like its a voluntary action and I opt in ha ha! What I wouldn't give to wake up one day and not have to worry about him!

For anyone reading this please just take at as it is-the slightly bizzare ramblings of a scorned and rejected woman! I have a slightly strange sense of humour and I am writting my thoughts and feelings freely as a form of expression to prevent me from committing murder! I'm sure there are many ex partners and partners who are lackin support, it is a lonely time and I have had so many odd thoughts and feelings. One moment I think I love him again, then I think I don't, then I question is this really something he could have done, then I replay everything he has told me and the lovely picture of said 'victim' he showed me.... It's a cycle! Doing a law degree could not be more ironic, guess what I am revising!

I will keep the post as up to date as I can for anyone on the midst of their own battles. At least we are all together!

[wakingnightmare]

Do not give him any money!!

He has to do this for himself.

There is offering emotional support and then there's him taking the p***.

We all need a good rant. Emotions are complex if only they could be turned off. Some people care too much and others take advantage of that.

We're friends, I'm supportive of him but equally he is supporting me through my own unrelated problem albeit via phone

What you've described isn't a friendship it's one person giving and the other just taking.

[Cruel world]

Guess so. Yeah he was the one bleeting on about wanting to maintain a friendship. My stance was always clear, friends with ex's doesn't work... Then his child called me and I decided maybe I should try and be friends, but your right there has never been a point during or after our relationship where he has offered any loyalty to me even as a friend. The more I think about how bad our relationship was and how poor his behaviour towards me is and was, the more I think I really do need to close the door on this and hope from a distance that he will be ok for his child's sake more than anything.

He has always been a let down, forgot things that are meaningful to me (birthday when we were together) constantly lied and cheated, in the aftermath I was half relieved it was over but I am a stupid romantic at heart and I suppose I let it drag on hoping he might change. He is no rapist but prior to this accusation he was beaten to a pulp on a night out 2 weeks earlier. He has been on a downward spiral for as long as I have know him and undortunatly I am not seeing any signs of the wake up call he should be having!!

I'll exit the situation whilst my sanity is still just about there and maybe with distance I can be sympathetic to what he is going through without my emotions being so tied into it all.

I do find the law on all of this really poor, for it to drag on so long and have the ability to hinge on a he said/she said basis is not fitting with modern day approaches!

Thanks for all your replying, so glad your OH managed to pull hiself together and can offer you support in whatever issue you have, that really is friendship, I could never call my ex and expect him to be there for me