four and a half years after falsely being accused of rape, what next ?

[lifetorubble]

hi all thankyou for reading my thread,

Four and a half years ago i was accused of rape, it took about 2 months to give the decision of no further action after this decision i realised life would never be the same again.
Since this accusation i have never been in trouble with the police nor had i been before this time. though the stigma has reduced my life to a state of mistrust for all of the opposite sex, if i am honest i even experimented with relationships with the same sex as my self, as i felt i was never going to be able to replace the sense of trust that had been taken away. i have now been single for at least three years and i dont see that changing soon.
The journey i have had to under take has included being befriended by people who then behind my back whisper that i am a rapist, being made a public spectacle. Social networking sites like facebook and others have concentrated this parading of my charactor and even destroyed friendships since and before they have begun. My last dreadfull experience was on plenty of fish where friends of the girl who accussed me, had plotted to meet me, only for them to try and create a second scenario of a simalir allagation against me. fortunately for my paranoia of people now in general i was able to see through these attempts. i have moved house twice now, only for my location to be discovered and again been subjected to abuse and the cold shoulder from neighbours and potential friends all because i dont know who is my friend any more.
This has left me drained and i have even considered ending my own life at times.

I recently discovered that someone i trained at a gym with was introducing me to his friends (female) in an attempt, again for them to cry false alligations of rape. i also discovered that this persons auntie was my mothers friend ( though he new this and never said anything), i also discovered his auntie was pretending to be nice to my face but secretly deformating my charector to other family members. though my mother was aware of the allagations and the hard time i was receiving she always stuck by me, it infected other family members who turned their back on me. these other family members did nt even tell me or my mother they knew about it untill recently but still gave me the cold shoulder, i can only suspect this was because of the fear of social isolation as i had exsperienced.
At the time my mom just said tell the truth and it will all blow over soon, but we will just keep it to ourselves as you know how people talk.

As years go bye and you become tuned to the patterns of body language that are transmitted to you. you would be surprised how similiar it all is on a day to day basis, and how it hurts you to the bone to recieve it. My mother has recently been in an accident and suffered major brain damage she is in a full time care home. Some of the staff who work their are from the same geographic as where the first accusation came from and i am petrified word has gone round all ready as i go their on a dailly basis to see my mom. it makes the whole experience of caring for someone elses needs much harder to do as even though i have never been convicted for any crime, only last week, management at the home said i was not allowed to be alone with my mom on the grounds of health and safety.

I used to be a fashion model so was never short of female attention though after these experineces i feel am constantly in a state of paranoia as to who to trust or is some girl going to try and set me up. because i know better than any one that no body likes a rapist or any body who has even been accussed. unfortunately most people think an accusation makes you a rapist anyway.
one women who was the cleaner at the company i worked for used to talk to me about the first accusation as she was a local she always seemed nice and i used to chat with her before this all started, she once said to me " they who shout loudest get believed " it turned out she was the mother of a guy who recently stated dating the girl who accussed me.

I ve had to give up all my hobbies which was jujitsu and MMA as secretly to me but my instructor new, family members of the girl who accussed me where coming to class to fight with me i always thought these guys where taking it to far and trying a bit hard. but my instructors just said your being paranoid. then it turned out that my instructor was friends with the girl who accused mes father.

I understand people will have opinions , though what hurts is as i try to rebuild my life their seems to be a constant campaign against me. Nobody takes into account the girl had cried the same allagation three times before, with three different guys. i was nt the most popular person in the town as i was admittedly know as a bit of a bad boy. though ive never hurt any one in my life. ive always considered myself to have good morales and know what right and wrong is. though people wont listen. Every new guy who hears the story from someone else, instantly wants to be a hero and try and either entrap me or fight me. ive never gone to the police as am worried of what might happen if i do in terms of social consequences, i dont want to be termed as a grass as well as a rapist, and even though the decission was no further action, im afraid that the police wont believe me.

At the time of my police interview i was so sure that i was innocent i did nt even have a solicitor present, the interveiw was for over 4 hours. I had a second interview which lasted 30 mins and before it happened my mom begged me to get one, just in case. when the solicitor read my notes he could nt believe id spoken for that long with out one, but i told him the same as ive told everyone else, that am innocent. You either know it or you dont and i know am telling the truth.

So as the name says my lifes turned to rumble i only dread the next day. i have nt been convicted of anything but i cant get certain jobs because the accusation stays on file forever and am embarrassed to have to explain what happened if i do try and its revealled.
Every where i go because of social networking sites the whispers follow me. People want to set you up because they want to use you as a social stepping stone and be a hero all at my exspense. Even though the people who befriended me know what am going through with my mom , theirs no empathy , no compastion, no understanding not just for me but for my mom either. I dont want to live the rest of my life thinking the world is a untrustworthy dark , loveless place , but its feels this is the way its going.

thanks again for reading my thread

regards lifetorubble

[Izzy]

Hi LTR,

welcome to the forum and sorry you have had such a horrible time.

I can understand how the accusation has turned your life upside down but I'm afraid you do find out who your true friends are when
something like this happens and the rest aren't worth bothering about. You will always get small minded gossips where-ever you are.

I think that the case against you was NFA in such a short time, was a blessing as a lot of people are left hanging for so much longer.


I dont think the world is a untrustworthy dark , loveless place , I think you came across the wrong person and I think you should have
the determination that you won't let them ruin it, or else they have won.
As for the people trying to fight you, I would advise you to phone the police and report them, it's what they are there for and get it out of your
head that you're being a grass, all it needs is for you to retaliate and you would be in trouble, so I would make a statement of who is bothering you.

I think it's easy to give up on everything when you have had a FA made against you but I think you have made a mistake in giving up hobbies, I think you need to take them up again and start acting like someone who has done nothing wrong and hold your head up high.

I'm sorry about your Mum, that must be so hard but you need some answers on why you not allowed to be alone with her on the grounds of health and safety, what a load of tosh. Get a meeting with the Care manager and demand some answers.

Please try and fight your corner because nobody else will.
Maybe see your GP and discuss counselling as it might help having someone to talk it all over with.

[erin]

Izzy is correct you should go see a psychiatrist it sounds like you are in deep pain and they are trained to help out when the black dog comes and visits

[lifetorubble]

thanks guys for the response, i would love to start up my hobbies again, though when i found out my mma instrictor actually was nt my friend . He said he would spread the word about to all the classes near where i ve moved to. i was a fool trusting and saying where am going but i gueniunely thought he was a friend. am going through so much at the moment i could nt take another episode of this two faced behaviour. I feel as if i should just speak to the care manager and come straight out with it , that i was accussed and not convicted, though am fighting to be my moms full time carer and dont want this to ruin my chances with social services.

At the time that i was arrested i felt the police did nt believe me. Im scared that false evidence could be put against me as i have found out that friends of this girl have tried to create a second scenario of rape. i understand if i was accussed again then the first allegation would be reinvestigated again, if i felt stronger i dont mind going to any court in the land. but at the moment am not. i just think that if someones prepared to make another false allegation on behalf of this girl then . what else are they prepared to do ?

I am so paranoid at the moment about every one, At the the care home my moms at, theirs a young girl who works their and she has links to the town where my instructor for MMA is from, she flirts wildly with me and i find it uncomfortable. shes 18 am am nearly 33. one afternoon a colleague she works with started talking about going out and partying, the 18 year old girl looked me straight in the eye and said " i dont just want it , i need it" i nearly shat myself. i thought im just here to visit my mom whos really sick.

This week another girl who has just started on the ward, i felt was again being overly flirty with me. i ignored it out right. then later that week i saw her out in the pub accross the road from the care home and she was with another girl and it turned out shes gay. since i saw her in the pub, she just tries her best to ignore me now. i dont mind at all. But if a conspiricy is going on behind my back. what can i do ?

i have nt tried to initiate anything with any one, i just go to the care home to see my mom but its becoming a stress full experience.

[IvorBinWronged]

Yes, you are paranoid.

Hi there pal. A bit of paranoia is healthy, but yours is spoiling your life. So you are into gym and MMA? If you are taking t5's or anything else like that and drinking coffee, did you know it can have really bad effects on your pattern of thought. It's just a piece of information to think about.

Why not get your GP involved, who can help you with some of it. Your devotion to your Mum says good things about you. You are also right to be wary of anyone with contact with your false accuser.

Free dating sites like POF will take anyone, but a paid site that needs a credit card is like a chav filter so you're less likely to get the transient trash that some of the other sites are awash with (please note, there ARE some really nice people on POF - it is a good site for some, but not you at the moment).

Stay strong and fit pal. You've worked on your body, now time to work on your mind and soul.

Good luck.

[RFLH]

good post ivor.

[Izzy]

good post ivor.

I agree and if you do speak to the care manager there is no way I would come straight out and say that you were accused and not convicted. If it was my Mum I would question what the 'Health and Safety' grounds are, no more.
There is a chance you are maybe reading to much into the way others are perceiving you.

[lifetorubble]

Hi there pal. A bit of paranoia is healthy, but yours is spoiling your life. So you are into gym and MMA? If you are taking t5's or anything else like that and drinking coffee, did you know it can have really bad effects on your pattern of thought. It's just a piece of information to think about.

I don’t take any steroids or supplements at all, I have not trained now for at least 3 months as ive been dedicating my life at the moment to my mom. I go see her every day. I ve never used at all, as I know so many people who have had their heads turned up side down by them. Cheers though bud

I went to see my mom yesterday, and heard the young girl who was flirting with me out rageously has been moved permanently to another ward. I walked into the main lounge where my mom watches television. And the carers where talking about someone being shook up. When I got further into the lounge the conversation stopped and everyone’s looking at the floor. I ve just checked out on face book that one of the carers has direct links to the town the girl who accused me comes from. This carer also changed their profile picture to one hiding their face, as it says this on their timeline.

The girl who has been moved to another ward came with me in an ambulance three weeks ago when my mom had kidney stones and was taken to hospital from the care home. I did not feel as paranoid then as I do now. I made sure if I went out for a cigarette and she came with me I was in full view of the public and cameras , it just a habit I have now I don’t like to be alone with any female at all, after what happened to me.

Also another member of staff in the lounge started talking to me about what’s going on with jimmy Seville, frankly I was preoccupied with my mom, feeding her. She said if that many girls come forward how on earth it could not be true. I just said you never know it could be a conspiracy and what’s important is that all the accusers don’t know each other and have links so they can communicate a story together. she just ignored me pretended I did not say it looked preoccupied looking at the floor and then opened a file and told me my mom had an important meeting next week with the doctors that would decide who could be possibly caring for her for the next year, then said, she had to go to lunch. 20 minutes later I went for a cigarette in the gardens on my own and theirs the 18 year old chick who had been moved and she looks at me like she’s scared of me, honestly. She eating a punit of grapes and tells me she trying to lose weight so she can get some guy (not get with)....and she’s only got till next week. She then looked at me with a smile asked me if I was ok. As I did not look well almost sarcasticly.

[lifetorubble]

My worse case scenario is that one of the carers is related to the girl or that they share friends ECT and the word has got out. I ve been documenting all my experiences in the last six months. From POF to the care home and I spoke to a friend who’s been a rock to me the last 10 years and he said we should go to the police to be safe and he will come for support.

I’m the first person to say yes am paranoid, but am not crazy I don’t hear voices, but I ve experienced so much negative body language and gestures over the last four and a half years, I cant ignore it any more as I used to at first. I ve had people befriend me to make a public spectacle of me, telling people their with am a rapist when I ve been out with them. I ve had so much betrayal it’s untrue. I could go on all day about how POF nearly ruined my life and the experiences I had.

My friend suggested going straight to the police instead of speaking to the care manager as he would protect his own interests instead of mine if I told him I had been accused of rape. You see it’s the stigma that’s attached to it, it lasts for ever.

I just don’t want to lose my mom as if I don’t visit everyday she has panic attacks and cries for me. She has korsakoff syndrome and everyday is like a new day to her she can’t remember anything longer than a few hours at best. I look after her every week end for the last 3 months at my house, and I visit everyday. Yes am under allot of stress I know this; I don’t speak to any other family members as they don’t have much to do with me since. I know this much, that I know what empathy, compassion and understanding better than any one, but I don’t think any one else who I see at the home sees it.

when my mom first became ill I though I need someone more then anything, my mom was admitted to a psychiatric ward, she was like a walking zombie, she thought she had two sons both with my real name and am her only child. Her mind was scrambled and has never been the same.

I joined plenty of fish as a friend said it would do me good to meet someone nice considering what I was going through. My profile was looked at quite a lot and I got a message from one girl who lived in the next town from me. we met up , went bowling, had a laugh but she was not my type and she was, I thought younger than she made out and its not my thing as the girl who accused me was 7 years younger than me a the time. At the end of the night I dropped her of home, she hinted and then asked if I wanted to come in for a coffee I politely refused and went home.
I never saw her again after that night.

as the week went on I noticed more girls from the town I was from and accused in started viewing my profile, when I looked at the profile in return I could see them with pictures of their brothers all looking quite menacing and I clearly recognised some of the guys. I thought to myself that I know who I am and ill find a girl in the next town or so and maybe am just being paranoid. I told a friend I thought that some one could try and start some trouble but he just said your being paranoid.

a few days later I wrote a letter to a girl who was 3 or more towns along from me and she instantly gave me her phone number and we only exchanged a few letters through POF. we talked the same night and she asked if i wanted to me for a drink, i thought it was abet keen but I kept being told am paranoid so went with the flow. We met up and the girl was dressed quite provocatively, she asked if id been to the bar before and I said no but I had, it was the last time I was with my mom before she had her accident. I did not want to have violins playing when I was trying to get to know someone. We talked for about 30 minutes then she received a text, looked at the text for a minute and said she had to leave, earlier that day we had become friends on face book as well. So I suspected a friend had texted to tell her about me. I politely said no problem if she had to leave it was ok. As I opened the door for her to go she said how did you know how to open the door that way if you had never been here before. I said because it says pull on the handle. As she got in the car I jumped into mine and I could see out of my window she looked abit panicky and was struggling to reverse her car. At the time again I thought that am being paranoid. I left the car park first in my car. Later that evening she texted me to say that she was not ready for a relationship because she was suffering with depression. I texted back to say no worries and I hope she gets better.

I thought no more of it
The next day in the evening she texted me to say her car was in repair and she needed a lift to work the next morning. And that she worked in the same town as me though I don’t remember her saying this when we first met. I said where did she want me to pick her up from, and at what time it took about ten further messages before she told me and she wanted to be picked up behind a pub car park at a time that would have made us at least an hour late for work if traffic was bad. I said ill pick you up at the front of the pub at 8.15 take it or leave it. she replied in the following text " is that when all the rapists are on the road" I shown the text to a friend I lived with and he just said that am being paranoid and he also new about what I had been accused of. I replied to her " am not sure if that was a joke or not but if you want a lift ill see you at 8.15 as am out the door at 8 sharp" she replied just "ok"

I did not sleep much that night. I picked her up in the morning at the front of the pub; I made sure my car was in full view of the cameras outside the doors.
She got in the car commented on the car I was driving a bmw said it was nice and I thought phewwwwwwwwwwwww. As the journey continued she was quiet I had no problem with this. Though the last 5 minutes of the jounerny she started to talk about, what she said was her ex boy friend and his last girl friend was a lap dancer who committed suicide when she was pregnant.
The strange thing is that my last girl friend who I was with before I was accused was a lap dancer though not when she was with me, and she committed suicide two months pregnant with my baby. She was bipolar and had other issues as well.
I asked her who her ex boy friend was? The girl replied a name which was also one of my ex girl friends, friends.
I kept my cool as I just wanted this journey to end, I said where did she want dropping off and she replied just here will do it was a piece of waste land you had to go through before reaching the business park she worked at.... I said no way; I said I will take you to the doors of your work, because if anything was to happen to you it’s on my head.
I dropped her of at her work.
And never saw her again.

[lifetorubble]

I explained to my house mate what had happened how I ve explained it here; he just said your being paranoid.


The third and final time I went on a date on plenty of fish I had changed my location to inner London I thought this might do the trick if I was being targeted. I waited around 10 days before the last encounter and steadily had interest from the London area. I received a message from one girl who was an actress and we exchanged emails for a few days before we talked on the phone. She even spent a whole day texting me whilst she was visiting what she said was her brother who also had brain damage the same as my mom, she said he was her twin. I thought she would understand what I was going through as I opened up to my own situation with my mother. I was at work one afternoon and she asked if I could pick her up from waterloo station, I politely refused
As I said I had work commitments but maybe another time. We continued to talk on the phone for a few more days. Then on the Friday before Valentines Day we arranged to meet at her house where we would go to a restaurant to have a meal.
As I arrived at her house I texted to say I was outside. She came out to greet me but did not make any eye contact she just took my hand and started walking towards the town centre of where she lived. as we were walking I was talking and I felt little uncomfortable as she would laugh at anything I said, it felt quite contrived, I put it down to nerves on her part. And made are way to the restaurant. As we went to are table and sat down she would make quite distinguished eye contact with me. Fluttering her eyes and holding my gaze. I thought she was trying hard but again thought nothing of it. We talked about life and things in general but I had an underlying feeling something was not right but I just thought I was being paranoid. We ended the meal and walked back to her place. It was quite cold so I gave her my coat and as we passed a particular bar she said " you need to earn over 24 grand to get in their" I thought wow you hit my basic salary before commission their, but did not say anything. We got back to her house she invited me in; I accepted this time but thought their no way am staying the night.
She made me a cup of tea, and she invited me to sit on the bed with her. We talked for about 20 minutes. Then out of now where she just said "sometimes you no, I just need a good faking". If am honest I literally crapped myself. I rolled my eyes as all I expected was a good night kiss and just see the girl again. I paused for a moment and simply replied that id better go.
I got up and went to the door she opened it. And as I turned to her she slammed the door in my face.
I felt like a an absolute loser I did not know what to do I felt some how id been less of a man for not taking the offer and I felt embarrassed, I felt as though I had humiliated myself.
That night I texted her o say I was sorry and did not mean to offend her, and said am going through a lot at the moment, but I would still like to see her again.
She replied “thanks"

We continued to text each other though I felt because of my insecurities I had to make her feel I sexually wanted her, but did not feel comfortable telling her as to what the catalyst of my insecurities was.
I never texted anything sexually explicit to her I just sent texts describing how I would romance her and win her over, how it feels like complete cheese now.
Valentines Day came and she was busy visiting her brain damaged brother as he had a turn for the worst that week, I said I understood completely because of what I was going through with my mom.
So I drove to her house and left some red roses outside her door as a surprise for when she got back.
We arranged to meet on the Friday after valentines a week since we first met.
I thought I had to go the extra mile because I felt I had rejected her, so I bought a pinic hamper with loads of nice stuff inside, just in case she did not feel like going for a meal.
I got to her house and this time rang the door bell, no answer, so I called. She came out and I said I ve been ringing the bell for ages, she looked at the door bell as if she had never seen it before which I found odd. I went into her apartment which was a converted annex at the back of a house which she said she rented off the owner. I looked around allitle move closely this time and noticed no clothes. No books, the kitchen looked bare and no used for a while. Their was just a chest of draws and a computer table with a laptop on it. I never used the toilet so I did not see that.
I said let go for a meal my shout she said ok and we left. As we where walking down the street I felt I was on the right track and thought to myself just let the paranoid feelings of mistrust go away and relax. Suddenly the girl stopped and said she did not want to go to a restaurant any more but wanted to sit in my car and have a look at what it was like. I thought it was odd but harmless.
She sat in my car for about 2 minutes strangely rubbing the back of her head against the seat, weird I thought. She got out and I opened the boot and said look inside and she saw the hamper id bought she picked it up and had a beaming smile on her face.
We went inside opened up the food and started eating, and then she said “have you ever **** yourself before?" I nearly choked on my cracker.
I said in more ways than one with the cards I ve been dealt. She continued to eat and ask questions quite bluntly like “what’s it like seeing your mom with brain damage?" Id previously told her that my moms estate of any value had only contained a car and a watch. The girl said she found it funny that my mom was basically penniless. I was angry but did not let it show I felt I was being pushed into a reaction.
One side of me was saying this girls a complete ass hole as the evening went on and the other side of me was saying your paranoid, but either way I still felt alone with the situation I was going through with mom, I felt the world was on my shoulders, but I had to survive. But I felt I needed someone more than anything.
The evening was turning to a nightmare; I just drank more wine and absorbed the abuse as best I could. I kept thinking have you got it out of your system yet that I rejected you? The girl then went on to tap the bed and not quite shouting but abruptly say "come on , come to bed" I took my shirt off but kept my trousers on, the girl at this time was learning over an open draw twiddling around with what looked like a mp3 or recorder of some type. She was continuously glancing at me with a smirk on her face thinking I did not see.
she turned the light off and got into bed with me I waited a minute or so and tried to put my arm round her she said quite loudly " no means no" , and rolled over turning her back to me.
I don’t need this I fought I got straight out of bed put my shirt on and said I want to go home I tried to open the door it was locked, she said what do you mean your leaving , I said exactly that I jump in the car and never come back here again. As she was opening the door I looked inside the draw she had been hanging over and I was correct in my assumption their was a voice recorder with a red light on recording what we were saying.
I said to her your friends with the girl who falsely accused me of rape she said nothing this time. I just left and sobbed in my car out side her house.
After 5 minutes I drove home and explained what had happened to my house mate. He said this is not paranoia; this is a set up mate.

The next day the girl texted me if I was ok with a smiley face at the end of it.

I should have gone to the police then but, I thought I would not be believed and it could up the campaign against me.
The girls family who accused me are known football hooligans and I already had my work windows smashed once before and the police did nothing.

So what do you guys think if this happened to you? Would you be looking over your shoulder every where you went?

[Izzy]

I don't know much about dating sites but I think it is very unwise of someone who has been the victim of a FA to be using them.

You said - My friend suggested going straight to the police instead of speaking to the care manager as he would protect his own interests instead of mine if I told him I had been accused of rape. You see it’s the stigma that’s attached to it, it lasts for ever.

I don't understand this part, you have no reason to tell the care manager you have been accused and I don't understand what you would speak to the police about, but I'm maybe missing something?

[lifetorubble]

I don't know much about dating sites but I think it is very unwise of someone who has been the victim of a FA to be using them.

You said - My friend suggested going straight to the police instead of speaking to the care manager as he would protect his own interests instead of mine if I told him I had been accused of rape. You see it’s the stigma that’s attached to it, it lasts for ever.

I don't understand this part, you have no reason to tell the care manager you have been accused and I don't understand what you would speak to the police about, but I'm maybe missing something?

what am trying to say is if their is a conspiricy against me amongst the staff at the care home should i go to the police or speak to the care manager first.

the exsperiences i have had through what i beleive has been an online campaign against me through plenty of fish could have now filtered through to the staff at the care home

[Izzy]

what am trying to say is if their is a conspiricy against me amongst the staff at the care home should i go to the police or speak to the care manager first.

the exsperiences i have had through what i beleive has been an online campaign against me through plenty of fish could have now filtered through to the staff at the care home

I could only say what I would do. The first would be to delete all online accounts, dating etc.. It's to easy to ' hook up ' with people you know nothing about and might not have your best interest at heart or at all, as you have discovered.
I doubt the police would be helpful in a conspiracy theory, unless a crime has been committed.
I wouldn't ask for a meeting with the care home either, when you go to see your Mum I would ask for privacy to talk to her, I can't see why that
should be an issue, if your request is refused ( which I can't see why it would be ) then I would request a meeting with the care manager and if you don't agree with the outcome ask for the decision in writing.