Has a false accusation been of benefit to your life?

[lawlessone2009]

A little bit of a strange question in a way but I thought it was worth a poll.

Obviously not everyone on here will be able to answer the question in the same manner. Some have been unfortunate enough to have received a custodial sentence as a result of a false accusation after all!

I'm keeping it in general terms. Has been accused benefited your life?

By benefit I am kind of implying:

Improved a relationship.
Made you grow up.
Changed your perspective in a positive manner.
Educated you.
Changed your behaviour in a positive manner.
Given you drive and determination.

(This list is exhaustable...)

Now obviously there are a lot of negative things around being accused falsely and we can all generally understand that these virtually always outnumber the positives BUT there are still positives and please focus on these when attempting the poll. It's a POSITIVE poll for all us positive people.

I'm going to say that being falsely accused has drastically changed my life for the better. I am far more appreciative of my partner, my daughter, my close family, my existence... I am also, lately, finding everything easier to deal with and more rewarding. I don't find 'dead ends' any longer just hurdles and I am getting good at jumping!

It's strange but a life of ease is a life wasted in my opinion now. It's far better to suffer a tragedy, pick up the pieces and then come out the other side with all guns blazing and a great big smile on your face than it is to have everything handed to you on a plate.

[Faith]

Seems a weird question at first, but I see exactly where you are coming from

Myself, I have found that it has strengthened my relationship with my fiancee dramatically. She stood by me throughout and was my rock...if you can come through a false allegation as a couple then you know you will survive whatever else life throws at you. Our relationship has never been stronger.

I am a bit more worldly wise and, through joining the two forums, and attending appeals and meeting up with other members I have made some lifelong friends.

A false allegation will send you onto an unexpected path...but it doesn't have to be a path to be oblivion...it's what you make it.

Naturally, we would all rather not have been falsely accused...but some of the changes can actually suit you better in the long run.

Depends on the outcome of course...I got an NFA, some are found not guilty...not everyone is as fortunate and I doubt they can approach the topic with the same amount of positivity, which is understandable.

[Casehardened]

I can completely endorse what has been said about this sort of event strengthening relationships with one's partner and weeding out fair-weather friends but in addition to this, my first thoughts after that knock on the door (that date in May is as significant an anniversary as Christmas or my birthday) was that I was going to miss out on the summer; this is of course before I researched and found out how long the investigations and legal procedures actually took.

I spend as much time outdoors as I can and the looming prospect of incarceration filled me with dread, so one of the beneficial effects of my NFA has been to try to seize and enjoy every single moment of my days, much I imagine, as someone who has come through a life-threatening illness might feel, rather than just letting them slip past.

While it would have been infinitely preferable not to have gone through the whole episode at all, the spin-off is that I will no longer be bothered with trivialities and savour to the utmost my remaining years.

[Faith]

That last sentence is very significant...that's exactly how I feel CH.

[Saffron]

Hmmm. Sometimes I feel irreparably damaged by what has happened to us. At other times I feel like it was the kick up the arse that we needed to sort our lives out. List as follows:

Mr Saffron was stuck in a job he didn't enjoy. When they found out about the allegation, he was sacked. After years of unemplyment/casual labour he found a job that he genuinely loves. He now actually earns more than he did before and is highly respected in his field. (My dad helped him get the job, but I can overlook nepotism in this instance!)

Through all the bitter recriminations and tears we grew closer and stronger as a couple.

We both learned a huge amount. Not just about the legal system, but about tolerance and patience. And that one can never really know what goes on behind closed doors. I am less judgemental and, I hope, kinder.

We know who our true friends are. We did lose some friends, but in my opinion, those who turned their backs on us are not real friends. And some people who were mere acquaintances stepped up and offered genuine, heartfelt support.

However, there are so many bad memories and sometimes I feel like I am drowning in them. This is a bad time of year for us. Mr Saffron was convicted in May and sentenced in June. I can't remember the exact dates because it all feels like a bad dream. There is so much to forgive. Not the initial infidelity which led to the FA, nor the FA itself, because despite his infidelity, the FA was not his fault. It was the stuff afterwards - the screaming, tantrums, throwing things, smashing the house up, blaming me for his self -harm, the suicide threats. In hindsight I think he was trying to drive me away for my own protection. He very nearly succeeded.

Some of our neighbours know what happened and some don't. I live in fear of him being exposed as a "Sex Offender" in some way. Whenever he is called into an impromptu meeting at work I tremble with fear. (He didn't "disclose" his conviction because his employers never asked the question. Given that he isn't on the SOR, he doesn't have to 'fess up unless he is asked that specific question about previous convictions).

I find it difficult to make friends. I feel like I can't truly trust anyone until they know what happened, and accept his innocence.

Our house in on the market and we are hopefully moving to a little village away from here, where no-one knows us.

That's it really.

[Faith]

That's a mixed bag of emotions Saffron
I really hope that you and hubby can get to that village as soon as...could signal a very fresh start for you both. We are currently looking at a nice cottage in a small village...the business of the city has become daunting these days. I don't like being around people and you just never know who you are going to bump into.

You do learn a great deal you're right...but at a terrible cost. The more you know and learn, the more paranoid and suspicious you are of people. I remain angry that the trusting part of my personality has been effectively destroyed. While being less trusting (VERY less trusting) will no doubt keep me safer, in the vast majority of situations where people deserve trust which I cannot give, it really is a sad loss.

However, CH's point is a great one...other problems that once upon a time would have felt like the end of the world are now trivial. If you can survive a false allegation, then you can survive anything...

[RFLH]

Only in the past few months has it been of benefit - but that's another story.

When my ex was inside he did a lot of thinking - mainly that after over 20 years of marriage to someone 12 years his senior was a bad idea. Hence we divorced a few years after he came out - once he had found someone to swop me with

During the previous 6 years I stood by him and lost my family (and children - 2 sons and 3 daughters), because of it.

It took me quite a while to trust anyone again, the friends I have are mainly through this site and the other one. I was lucky that I only lost one 'friend' when it all hit the fan, my true ones are still there for me, as I am for them.

[Saffron]

RFLH, I hope you can count me among your friends. I count you among mine. When (if) we get the house we have set our heart on, I hope you and G will come and visit us. We will have a proper spare room, so no sofabeds required!

[RFLH]

I do indeed - and I even forgive you for turning up when the painting of my bungalow was done!!

I shall try and twist himselfs arm up his back - failing that you can come and have a paddle and a cream tea and a meal here, its a place to behold - in fact its almost as curious and weird as I am

[Faith]

Steady on! It can't be THAT bad surely...

[RFLH]

it is - I have to walk uphill to get out the bedroom, the floors bounce and there's not a straight wall or ceiling. There's bits cobbled on down the side - I could go on, but I love it!


I shall now myself!!

[Saffron]

Hmm, I think the painting was still ongoing when I arrived. Unfortunately (or possibly fortunately?) I had the Smallest Child with me, who demanded entertainment. Which naturally meant I couldn't be trusted with a paintbrush....

[RFLH]

what a rubbish excuse!!

[lawlessone2009]

All mods and you're starting to trash the post!

LoL...

I'm feeling stronger and more 'different' everyday just now. Just thought I would throw the topic out there and see what people think.

I'm genuinely not caring what happens in my case in the long run as it won't ruin my life. I'm also thankful that it has happened as it's guided me onto a different and better path. I've had one good long hard stare in the mirror and made a lot of changes for the better.

[RFLH]

ooops - sorry Lawless, we do that sometimes - very bad form!