Need some advice please

[lifesnotfair]

Hello again. Any of you that have followed previous posts of mine will know that two weeks ago, my b/f's case was dropped by the CPS after16 months of hell. Thank you all for your good wishes and congratulations. All should be rosy now right? Wrong. Our relationship is hanging by a thread. Last weekend it nearly all ended for good and would have done had it not been for me fighting for him with every fibre of my being.

I know that at the moment he is feeling anger towards the Police and his accuser which I know is perfectly natural. But I'm also feeling anger. This woman has all but destroyed what we once had and I fear it will never be the same.

You will remember that at times he had become distant towards me. He changed, our relationship changed and so did his attitude towards me. No-one seems to understand that all this affected me too. It was a horrendous time for him because it would have been him to went to prison, etc but not one person has acknowledge my role in all of this and that makes me sad. Even last weekend he said to me himself 'there was no reason for you to walk because I had done nothing wrong'. This cut like a knife.

He continues to be distant. It's his birthday this weekend and I'm not included in any plans; I don't even know if I'll see him. I am trying so desperately to understand what he has and still is going through but for the life of my I cannot understand why his attitude towards our relationship has changed and I don't think I ever will. Am I thick? Can someone please explain it to me?

He his a very honest man. There is no b******t with him. I know that if he wanted it over he would tell me but the way things are at the moment is breaking my heart.

Are there any partners/wives etc out there who have been through this and can help? What were your experiences? I would be very grateful to hear them, good or bad.

Thank you

[RFLH]

Sad to say it is a 'normal' experience. My ex decided when he was in prison thst he no longer wanted me - didn't didn't say anything until he found someone else 4 years later.

If I were you I'd give him space, but let him know that when he's ready to return - you'll be there. You may have to set yourself a time limit to that, otherwise its not air to you.

It sounds as if he's already distanced himself from you emotionally, I would hate you to be in the same position I was two years ago - but at least you can see it - I didn't. I don't think it can be explained - its just something that happens as a way of self preservation.

If you want to pm me for a chat at any time, feelfree to do so.

[wunderland]

maybe the guy is suffering from post traumatic stress i agree give him some time to go into his man cave as guys need to do what did my old man say if you love your horse let it run and if it comes back its meant to be......................also there is plenty of other fishes at the fish shop

[Faith]

This is never an easy thing to go through but many people wait for the day the case is dropped thinking that it will bring euphoria and everything will be rosey again. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
You have both been permanently scarred by this experience.
As RFLH says, he now needs some space to get his head together. His life has been shaken up and he needs to re-evaluate. Don't push him as you will likely push him away. But let him know where you are.

Don't wait forever, hon. The time may come when you may need to make a tough decision yourself.
However, it is entirely likely that he just needs a few weeks to recover and then the time will come when you can get together and begin the recovery process

Take Care

[Izzy]

Depression can cause people to withdraw from their partners.
After going through 16 months of hell, I think it would be hard to get back on track
straight away.
I've never tried it myself but would counseling help?
Maybe just talking through how you feel might help, plus him acknowledging it's normal to have feelings of anger but finding a way to deal with them and see a way to move on from them might help to.
It's hard to support someone through this and then be left on the sidelines, you need some support too.

[wunderland]

very wise izzy i agree 100% The guy probably feels like damaged goods

[lifesnotfair]

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. It really helps. I've had so much conflicting advice from friends. Some tell me to ditch him, others agree with you and say that he needs time. I think I just need to understand it.

I definitely won't wait forever. I hope that in time we can get back to where we were but I can't help feeling that the damage is done. I'm giving him space for now and will take whatever may come.

You are all wonderful. Thank you again. xx

[RFLH]

its all you can do - I really do feel for you. Now start to look after yourself.

[lifesnotfair]

Oh RFLH. That's what I'm trying to do!!!! At the moment it's hanging by a thread!

[RFLH]

you will get through it - you may think its bleak at this very moment - but each day is a little better than the last.

Time to look forward and not back.

[Saffron]

You'll be OK. Look how far you have come!
I would suggest that you set yourself a time limit though. You can't wait forever. Yes, give him space, but don't let your own life go to pot.
I know you are hanging by a thread. I've been there too. But you will get through this.
)))))))))HUGS(((((((((

[lifesnotfair]

Thank you Saffron. It is so difficult. I go to feeling that there is hope and everything will be ok to feeling so low that I feel I should end the relationship.

I definitely will not wait forever. I haven't told him that and don't know if I should. It just feels like he got his reprieve and I now feel like I'm being punished. It's horrible but you all help to keep me strong.

xx

[Faith]

The rotten truth is that something like this punishes everyone close to the man accused, not least of all the person who loves him.
Stay strong, sweetheart. Have you got your own network of support?

[lifesnotfair]

Thank you Faith. I have a support network. All with mixed messages though. I'm trying to stay strong, but don't know how much longer I can do that for. I just can't seem to reach him. He talks now in terms of 'I' when it used to be 'we' and that is so painful.

The reason I decided to fight to get back what we had in the first place is because I didn't want the heartless b****h to win but the heart and soul has been ripped out of our relationship.

x

[RFLH]

it does sound as if he's detached from the relationship.

You could try putting the ball into his court and see how long it is until he contacts you to see how you are. You seem to be doing all the running at the moment.