Need some advice please

[lifesnotfair]

It's over

Hi everyone. As you can see from the title our relationship is over. I ended it today. I know I had said I would give him time but to be honest the whole thing was tearing me apart and starting to make me physically ill. I haven't been sleeping or eating.

Even when I tried to 'do my own thing' all I could talk about, think about and stress about was him. So I decided enough was enough. What a shame. I'm sure I'll grieve for him at some point but at the moment to be honest, I just feel relieved.

I want to thank everyone for their input and advice, it really was much appreciated.

Much love xxx

[Faith]

I'm sorry to hear this...
The fact you are relieved says a lot.

How did he take it?

[jamate]

Help Needed

Hi All

First post and help would be appreciated

My case has just been referred from the family court to the County Court, as the Family court stated that due to the nature of the allegations contained within a Scott Schedule were to serious for them to deal with.

Could allegations’ if founded to be true, be turned to criminal proceedings?

Allegations have been made to the Police with no action from them to date ?

Jamate

[Faith]

Hi Jamate.

Is this the allegation you're talking about?

'My mate has been accused (ludicrously) of rape by his ex partner. Every point he was worried about has been totally cleared up by this post. Thanks a lot! Great relief'

If so, then yes, a rape is very likely to lead to criminal investigations

If you want further advice, would you put up a thread in 'Falsely Accused Of Rape?' section as this thread is in use by another member

[lifesnotfair]

How did he take it?

Hi Faith, well. I wasn't surprised by his response.

"Oh I forgot it's all about you. Fine then it that's the way you want it. I hope your relationship advisers gave you some good advice"

That was it.

x

[Faith]

He's in a place now in his mind where all he can really do is lash out.
There may well come a time when you will sit down and talk things through but now, you need to concentrate on yourself and start your own recovery process.

[lifesnotfair]

Hello again Faith. Yes I agree with you. I just don't understand why I'm the one he had to lash out at. I understand that he's been to hell and back. What he doesn't seem to get is that if the worst had happened and he'd have gone to prison, I would have waited for him.

I don't think he will ever see what it did to me and at the end of the day, it wasn't my fault he got accused of something he didn't do, so why was I the one who felt like they were being punished?

x

[Casehardened]

I just don't understand why I'm the one he had to lash out at.

Have you ever listened to ' You Always Hurt The One You Love '? (probably not the original version as it was first released in the 40's but it has been covered many times since)

You always hurt the one you love,
The one you shouldn't hurt at all.
You always take the sweetest rose,
And crush it till the petals fall.

You always break the kindest heart,
With a hasty word you can't recall.
So, if I broke your heart last night,
It's because I love you most of all.

The thinking is (putting my amateur psychologist's hat on) you need to be really close and in tune with someone before you will risk lashing out at them otherwise you risk driving them away.

Children learn this quite early on in life in that they will only play people up once they've formed a close bond with them.

Hopefully this will provide an explanation for you if not a solution

[Faith]

Completely agree with CH. I lashed out a lot at my fiancee...usually very unfairly. It was because I knew she would still be there at the end of it.

Raw deal for the partner, I agree. When someone comes under attack in this way, it affects their partner just as much, if not more. As much as I was in bits through my ordeal...if it were to happen again, I would still choose to be the 'target' rather than it happen to my fiancee.

[Saffron]

Lifesnotfair, I really admire you.
"I forgot, it's all about you, isn't it?" Familiar words! I heard them many times. I found myself wishing that I had the courage to walk away from what was at the time a very destructive relationship.
You have done the right thing. Once the dust has settled he may come back, he may not. But your relationship had clearly been poisoned by the allegation and you did the right thing to call time.
Ending something like this is far more difficult than sticking with it. You have my deepest respect.

[Rights Fighter]

Hi Lifesnotfair

Your situation is not at all unusual. The best thing you could do is to put space between you. If you do not get back together it was never meant to be in the first place.

You have to put your own sanity first regardless of his unkind words. If you had a breakdown while trying to support him (and believe me that could have happened) then you would have been no good to him whatsoever - and he would still have complained about that.

Yes he is in a very bad place at the moment and although I take on board CH's song 'you always hurt the one you love' you can do it once too often. It's often the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Somebody local to me - her ex was falsely accused of something (he was NFA'd). However despite all she did for him trying to find help and support (that's how we 'met' - she emailed me) he was absolutely foul to her, accusing her (and me!) of being in league with the police. There was no need for it. He's a nasty piece of work anyway which is why she dumped him a couple of years back. It's called biting the hand that feeds.

Please do not feel guilty about your decision. At the end of the day - as I said - your sanity must come first.

Take care and please still keep coming back here as you will need that support.

[lifesnotfair]

Oh Thank you!

Thank you so much everyone. You made me want to cry! I've just come back from the Final hearing in my divorce (I was still technically married when we met). Two chapters of my life have come to an end in one week.#

Yesterday I felt relief, today I am starting to feel the grief. I have thought today, maybe I was a bit hasty but then I remember how I've been feeling for so long and I know that I've done the right thing for all concerned. I love him, I miss him and I think I always will. He was very special to me. I don't think he will come back. He is a very proud and stubborn man!!!!! I wish him nothing but the best, I would never slag him off because I know that there is a lovely man in there.

I love the man he used to be. The man he is now is a stranger to me. I hope the old version comes back because he has so much to give.

xx

[RFLH]

I know just how you feel - I was told by a wise lady that I could do it on my own - that I was just scared of the future, but that would pass and once the grieving was over I'd be fine.

It took a while but each day it got a little easier until now I can look at photos without the urge to sticking pins in them!

And I had forgotten that I was a person in my own right and that came as a pleasant surprise!'ll be

You'll get there, it does take time and you'll look back and realise that it has taught you a lot - about others and in particular yourself.

[Saffron]

Wise words from all.
I particularly like what you said, Lifesnotfair: "I love the man he used to be". Strikes a real chord with me.
Lifesnotfair, I wish you all the best. I hope you will stick around for a while...we are all here if you need us. There might be some people here who need your wisdom as well.

[lifesnotfair]

Hi all,

I will certainly stick around. I would be more than happy to help anyone else out who finds themselves in this horrible position.

I know I will be fine. I don't think there is any hope for this relationship to be resurrected but that's fine. The damage had been done and it was deep.

Much love. x